Tag: NewsRevue

Norman Lamont, Topical Lyric, 17 January 1992

This is a sardonic song about recession and Norman Lamont, who was Chancellor of the Exchequer at the time.

I wrote this a few months before my NewsRevue era began, so it wasn’t written with that show in mind. It was almost certainly one of my Spitting Image submissions, which led to their editors’ recommendation that I get involved with NewsRevue.

However, several of those earlier that had shelf life (as indeed this song does) found their way into NewsRevue later.

I’m pretty sure This one found its way into NewsRevue in the end.

My more upbeat, slapstick, “Norman the Chancellor” song the following year, when Mr Lamont got his political comeuppance, was an even bigger hit in NewsRevue – click here or below for that one. 

Norman The Chancellor, Topical Lyric, 30 May 1993

Meanwhile, here is the January 1992 sardonic Norman Lamont song:

NORMAN LAMONT

(Sung, preferably in a Scouse accent, to the tune of “Norwegian Wood”)

1st BIT

I once had a job,

And my own house,

And a small car.

Then it all went wrong,

Not what I want,

Norman Lamont.

2nd BIT

My boss called me in and he told me that business was bad.

He said I was fired, and that made him feel rather sad.

3rd BIT

I tried to climb back,

Not one to shirk,

But there’s no work.

My girl left a note,

Sorry to run,

I’m now a nun.

4th BIT

They reclaimed my house and they sold off my car and my fridge.

So I took to meths, now I sleep under Waterloo Bridge.

5th BIT

Now when I awake,

All that I’ve got’s,

This cardboard box.

It’s not very warm,

Not what I want,

Norman Lamont.

Click here or below for a link to the song Norwegian Wood on YouTube.

This is a link to the lyrics and chords for Norwegian Wood.

Cuba, Pre-NewsRevue Lyric, 22 December 1991

This lyric dates from that early period when I was writing just for fun and/or hoping to impress Spitting Image. This one certainly wasn’t going to impress the latter, as I fear it is more than a little one-dimensional.

I do quite like the Amnesty International inspired idea of writing to Fidel and Raúl Castro to complain about human rights abuses.

The closing line, “soon it will be others”, infers that I thought they were reaching the end of their line in 1991. Wrong.

If you want to know how Janie and I got on when we visited that country, in 2007, while it was still “governed” by those two brothers, click here or below.

Cuba and Jamaica, Placeholder and Links, 17 February to 9 March 2007

Next up, my 1991 lyric:

CUBA (To the tune of "Cuba")

CHORUS 1

Cuba, we eat a lot of pasta,
Cuba, and smoke a lot of Ganja.

VERSE 1

We haven’t much money, we haven’t much oil,
Tobacco and poppies grow well on our soil.

CHORUS 2

Cuba, a good place for a Rasta,
Cuba, with reefers from Havana.

VERSE 2

This island is boring, there’s no place to go,
And six hour speeches from Fidel Castro.
He’s the one,
Does go on,
On and on,
And on and on.

CHORUS 3

Cuba, the people like a martyr.
Cuba, especially Che Guevara.

VERSE 3

The workers are friendly, the soldiers are cruel,
Write and complain to Fidel and Raul.

CHORUS 4

Cuba, is ruled by those two brothers,
Cuba, but soon it will be others!

To see and hear Cuba by The Gibson Brothers click here (where you can also read the lyrics in the information section) or just watch the embedded link below:

Bye Bye NHS, Comedy Lyric, Subsequently NewsRevue, 29 October 1991

I wrote this lyric during a bout of comedy lyric writing for no particular purpose other than to entertain friends in the very early 1990s. NewsRevue came later and indeed I later revised this one for NewsRevue.

                                                               BYE BYE NHS

                                                  (to the tune of “Bye Bye Love”)
 
 
CHORUS
 
Bye bye lab,
Bye bye surgery,
Hello misery,
I think I’m gonna cry.
 
Bye bye staff,
Bye bye NHS,
Hello stinginess,
I feel like I could die,
Goodbye Health Service goodbye.
 
VERSE 1
 
We had our baby,
In Bartholemews,
We asked “which one’s ours?”,
They said “you choose”.
 
They said “the reason,
for uncertainty,
Is lack of budget,
In maternity.
 
Bye bye love,
Bye bye pregnancy,
Hello celibacy,
I think I’m gonna cry.
 
Bye bye cap,
Bye bye IUD,
Hello vasectomy,
I think I’d rather die,
Goodbye Health Service goodbye.
 
VERSE 2
 
I need a hip joint,
But it appears,
The NHS list,
Goes back three years.
 
Now there’s a reason,
Why I’m serene,
Cos while I’m waiting,
I’m on Morphine.
 
Bye bye blood,
Bye bye saline drip,
Hello Opium trip,
I think I’m gonna cry.
 
Bye bye drugs,
Bye bye pharmacy,
Hello lunacy,
I feel like I could die,
Goodbye Health Service goodbye.
 
VERSE 3
 
They’ve called a priest in,
For the last rights,
My condition’s worsened,
Overnight.
 
With the right treatment,
I may survive,
But they can’t afford to,
Keep me alive.
 
Bye bye life,
Bye bye wakefulness,
Hello deadliness,
I think I’m gonna cry.
 
Bye bye lungs,
Bye bye artery,
Hello mortury,
I think I’m gonna die,
Goodbye Health Service goodbye,
 
Goodbye Health Service goodbye (repeat, fade).

Below is the Everly Brothers singing Bye Bye LOve with the lyrics on the screen:

In truth I cannot see any difference between the 1991 version and the version I submitted to NewsRevue in the spring of 1992. I might have just described it as an updated version. Sneaky.

BCCI, Topical Lyric, 4 August 1991

Once I became ensconced with the NewsRevue writing team, I soon learnt that the use of the tune YMCA for a story about something with a four-letter acronym was gauche and inherently likely to be rejected.

But back in August 1991, when I was just starting to write humorous songs, mostly because they seemed to be popping into my head and made useful party pieces, I was unaware of such rules.

I’m not sure that Spitting Image was aware of those rules either, as I seem to recall that they especially liked this one, about the Bank of Credit and Commerce International (BCCI).

But of course Spitting Image didn’t actually use it. No-one used it, apart from me; down the pub and on the Notting Hill dinner party circuit, when that circuit was still suitably edgy.

On re-reading the song nearly 25 years later, I do still like some of the lyrics and think some of the lines are pretty good/funny. Sadly, the sentiments around money laundering, drug money, arms money, secrecy and the super-rich getting away (metaphorically and sometimes literally) with murder, still very much apply.

Here is a link to YMCA lyrics.

Click here or below for a link to the official music video of YMCA by the Village People.

Any resemblance between the name of the defunct, corrupt bank known as BCCI, and that of the manifestly pure Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), is purely coincidental.

♬ BCCI ♬

(To the tune of “YMCA”)

VERSE 1

Con man, there’s a place you can go,

Con man, when you’ve lifted some dough,

You can bank there, and I’m sure you will find,

Many friends with whom you’ve done time.

Con man, what’s that under you’re bed,

Con man, wads of steaming green bread,

Con man, I suggest that instead,

You invest with BCCI.

 

CHORUS 1

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

It’s not like Coutts, you don’t need to be posh,

It’s the place to launder your dosh.

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

You don’t have to be good, you don’t have to be straight,

You will get a huge interest rate.

 

VERSE 2

Gun man, you should not be pissed off,

Gun man, buy a Kalashnikov,

With a loan then, when you blow a head off,

You won’t need to cross-fire payments.

Gun man, what are you after next,

Gun man, buy a pound of Semtex,

With a card that, you are able to flex,

Buy your plastic with our plastic.

 

CHORUS 2

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

You can pay for your gun, you can make a new pal,

Called Saddam or Abu Nidal.

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

If guns for Iran isn’t quite what you want ya,

Can be debited with a Contra.

 

VERSE 3

Drug man, why don’t you take a cruise,

On the proceeds, of your sales of the blues,

To the Caymans, where the BCCI,

Will inject cash in your business.

Drug man, while you’re making your cash,

Drug man, selling kilos of hash,

You can invest, and it’s quite above board,

It’s all secret in Luxemborg.

 

CHORUS 3

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

They haven’t got decimal currency,

They’re still working in LSD,

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

It’s great to bank with the BCCI,

This is the place for your cash from cocaine,

But you won’t see your dosh again.

 

REPEAT CHORUSES

 

FADE

 

 

Yugoslavia, A Pre-NewsRevue Lyric Eventually Used In NewsRevue, 1 July 1991

One of my very early efforts at lyric writing was this lyric about the break-up of Yugoslavia. The original is dated 1 July 1991 – I’ll need to upload a scan of the printout for that exact lyric. The version that follows – version 2, was updated and extended for NewsRevue in 1992 in the very early days of my involvement there. I have a feeling that it was actually used in the show briefly in the late summer/early autumn of 1992. If not Paula Tappenden’s cast then the one after.

Or did John Random use it in one of his subsequent runs/shows?

Anyway, here’s version 2:

YUGOSLAVIA (Version 2)

(To the tune of “Istanbul not Constantinople”)

VERSE 1

Serbia is in Yugoslavia,

Now there’s Croatia and also Slovinia,

Plus there’s Bosnia and then Macedonia,

Two that I don’t know,

And Mon-te-neg-ro.

VERSE 2

Lets go back to old Yugoslavia,

No you can’t go, there is such a palava,

You may get shot up and never recover,

One day you’re in Bled,

Next day bled and dead.

TRITE MIDDLE BIT 1

Even tennis stars,

Our commentators fear;

They can’t say without a glitch,

Goran Ivanisovitch.

VERSE 3

Take a break out in Yugoslavia,

No I won’t go there, I think I would rather,

Go to Greece or maybe Czechoslovakia,

Why did poor Yugoslavia get the veto?

Cos they went all to pieces after Tito.

 

(Instrumental – with “do, do, do’s”, “wo, wo, wo’s” and outbursts of “Serbia”, “Croatia”, “Bosnia”, possibly accompanied by some suitably violent business)

 

TRITE MIDDLE BIT 2

Even tennis stars,

Have put their lives at risk,

Monica Seles groans and grunts,

Even she had death threats once.

VERSE 4

See a shrink if in Yugoslavia,

Cos the countries shrinking farther and farther,

I’d prefer to be in the Intefarda,

Why is poor Yugoslavia now the pits?

Cos the Serbs are a bunch of violent gits.

Please note that the above version was dated 5 July 1992 – also aimed to be topical for Wimbledon but more than a year before the actual murder attempt on Monica Seles’ life.

Below is  a YouTube of The Four Lads singing Istanbul (not Constantinople)…

…or if you prefer the zappy They Might Be Giants version:

You can read the lyrics of Istanbul (not Constantinople) by clicking here.

Bagels In The Morning, Comedy Lyric, 7 June 1991

This is one of my very first comedy lyrics, written with no particular purpose. I’d been listening to a fair smattering of Allan Sherman and Weird Al Yankovic at that time; it shows.

The term “JAP” below is an acronym, as defined here, should be written J.A.P.

I did adapt/write a topical version of this lyric for NewsRevue a couple of years later, with Barbara Streisand as the J.A.P.

Bagels In The Morning, NewsRevue Lyric, 29 May 1993


BAGELS IN THE MORNING

 
(The JAP version of “Angel of the Morning”)
 
VERSE ONE
 
You tell me I am your princess,
So let’s go buy more jewels and gold.
If it is your aim to impress,
Then spend, and do what you are told.
 
A guy who’s so fast with the ladies,
Should drive at least a white Mercedes.
 
 
CHORUS
 
Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
Go fetch me lox with smooth cream cheese,
Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
But pickled herrings make me sneeze.
 
 
VERSE TWO
 
I was not quite so rational,
When we met in Siena,
I called you Hebrew National,
But meant Cocktail Vienna.
 
In your virility I trusted,
But you didn’t cut the mustard.
 
 
CHORUS
 
Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
Go fetch me lox with smooth cream cheese,
Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
But pickled herrings make me sneeze.
 
 
Some with seeds and onions
 
 
REPEAT CHORUS
 
 
FADE
 

This lyric works with the song Angel Of The Morning, which has been recorded by dozens of people, but in 1991 I only had the PP Arnold recording to hand:

Build A Rocket Or Two, Comedy Lyric, 4 February 1991

This is one of the very first comedy lyrics I wrote – for no particular purpose other than to amuse myself and friends.

I later adapted it to make it a little topical and it was used in NewsRevue.

Here is that 1991 original lyric:

BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO
(A Song to the tune of “Pick a Pocket or Two” from “Oliver!”)
VERSE ONE
In this world, one thing counts,
On defence, large amounts.
Missiles like these,
Don’t grow on trees;
You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
Guns like these,
Don’t grow on trees,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
VERSE TWO
Why should we, pay more tax,
For warheads, with Anthrax?
Splat ’em en masse,
With mustard gas;
You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
Germs like these,
Don’t spread with ease,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
VERSE THREE
If it’s Nukes, that you choose,
Build a Scud, or a Cruise.
Kill with aplomb,
By Neutron Bomb;
You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.
Fallout? These,
Last centuries,
You’d better build a bunker or two.

Here and below is a link to the 1992 version for NewsRevue:

Build A Rocket Or Two, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 July 1992

Here is Ron Moody singing “Pick A Pocket Or Two” from the movie version of Oliver!:

…and here are the lyrics to Pick A Pocket Or Two.

Mauritius, Music During Our Visit July/August 1979

Music in Mauritius is currently described thus in Wikipedia.

While we were there, one might have been forgiven for thinking that sega was the only local style. Wikipedia specifically describes sega thus. Indeed, one might have been forgiven for thinking that Cousin Cousine by Joss Henri was more or less the only record in the charts.

Years later, I recall a very funny sketch by Barry Grossman at NewsRevue about the Tudor charts, the punchline of which was that Greensleeves was the number one for the 2,157th (or some such) week running. That sketch always reminded me of my trip to Mauritius and Cousin Cousine, which had been number one for as long as anyone could remember while when we arrived and was still number one when we left.

Of course, the whole idea of Cousin Cousine was very suitable for Anil, who was basically on a voyage around the island visiting a myriad of cousins (and cousines) he had not met before, so I’m sure that song must conjure up our trip in his mind as well as mine.

I have found this YouTube, which shows some good photos of people dancing the sega to the sound of Cousin Cousine, recorded pretty well.

I did buy three other records as well as Cousin Cousine, all of which can be heard on the soundtrack to the standard 8 movie from our trip to Mauritus, which I put up on YouTube.

Here is an instructional YouTube video on how to do the modern zumba version of the sega dance. Don’t try this on a full stomach.

While here is a UNESCO YouTube explaining the history, look and sound of it all in educational terms, complete with soporific schoolteacher voice to minimise the chance of you watching this video through to the end.

Suffice it to say, we had some fun listening to and dancing sega while we were in Mauritius in 1979.