This is a sour comedy song really, about Northern Ireland politics. But in 1996 peace seemed potentially within striking distance and yet illusive. This did OK in NewsRevue, if I remember correctly, but not as well as others on the subject.
Was it John Cowan who wrote a great “Addams Family” parody for this subject? I remember something by John Random about the Orangemen marching that almost had me falling off my chair with laughter.
♬ PAISLEY AND ADAMS (To the Tune of “Father & Son”) ♬
VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!
VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)
I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Paddy Mayhew’s snot;
That prick will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.
VERSE 3 – BOTH
PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, with these Tories;
From the moment I could shout,
ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace was blown away;
I know, the peace is blown.
I wrote an update 22 July 1997 which I think revived this one for a while:
PAISLEY AND ADAMS 1997 VERSION
(To the Tune of “Father & Son”)
VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)
It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!
VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)
I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Maureen Mowlem’s twat;
That bitch will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.
VERSE 3 – BOTH
PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, since those Tories;
From the moment I could shout,
ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace will blow away;
I think this quickie song worked well as a companion piece to sketches about Euroscepticism in NewsRevue back in 1996. The cast of idiots might have changed, but writing now nearly 20 years later (December 2015) and this subject is pretty high on the Tory agenda and indeed the national agenda with a referendum promised.
♬ ODE TO EUROSCEPTICS (To the Tune of “Ode To Joy”) ♬
CHORUS – MP’s
ALL: At Westminster in the commons,
Tossed out of the cabinet;
Wasting power with John Major,
Seen our chance of grabbing it.
BLOKES: We’re both Normans,
GIRL 1: Teresa Gorman,
GIRL 2: Bill Cash without his testicles;
ALL: (So) we shall beef all through the summer,
We are Eurosceptical.
ALL: Storm the polls with,
Old Jimmy Goldsmith;
Tell Major where to stick his whips;
(We’ll) bore you shitless ’til next Christmas,
We are Euroscepticists.
DonkeyHotey [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]
Actually there were several versions of this lyric in the aftermath of the 1996 Israeli election and Benjamin Netanyahu‘s subsequent antics. This lyric did really well in NewsRevue and several directors asked for updates. Below is the first version – more or less straight after the 1996 election.
THE NETANYAHU CHORUS (To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel)
[The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.]
THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH)
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Not the Israeli boss we expected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Old Shimon Peres has been rejected; (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Ariol Sharon is resurected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And Yasser Arafat is dejected. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH)
The leader of Likud, he is no bloody good; The leader of Likud will want to fight and show his might.
FOUR YEARS SHALL SEEM (formerly For He Shall Reign)
Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never; Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never.
BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS)
Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) He’s dead thick, (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And such a prick; (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And smart he’s not – Peres must wish Bibi had been shot.
CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Although one thing occurs to us mark you; Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu; Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s dead thick and such a prick; But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you, We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu; WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!!
A very minor edit in october 1996, changed the second line of “The Leader of Likud” to:
he chose to fight and show his might…
…and the last line of “Big Fat Git” to…
And smart he’s not – Peres must wish Bibi had been shot.
Also a 1 March 1997 remix, which also seems very minor, changing just the title and a few lines, bringing corruption into the mix:
NETANYAHU CHORUS – YES HE REALLY IS A BASTARD REMIX (To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel)
[The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.]
THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH)
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Not the Israeli boss we expected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Old Shimon Peres has been rejected; (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Ariol Sharon is resurected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And Yasser Arafat is dejected. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH)
The leader of Likud, he is no bloody good; The leader of Likud he likes to fight and show his might.
FOUR YEARS SHALL SEEM (formerly For He Shall Reign)
Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never; Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never.
BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS)
Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) He’s a prick (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Corrupt and thick (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And smart he’s not – Israelis wish that Bibi had been shot.
CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Although one thing occurs to us mark you; Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu; Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s a prick, corrupt and thick; But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you, We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu; WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!!
Finally, the following version from May 1999 when I thought, wrongly, that he was gone for good. Sadly he was merely gone temporarily:
NETANYAHU CHORUS – GOODBYE REMIX (To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel) [The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.] THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH) Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu; Bibi and Likud have been rejected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Since Ehud Barak has been elected (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Israel is partying, they’re all plastered (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) So we shall sing goodbye to that bastard. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH) The leader of Likud, he was no bloody good; The leader of Likud he chose to fight and show his might. THREE YEARS HAVE SEEMED (formerly For He Shall Reign) Three years have seemed like ever and ever, and peace was put on the never and never; Three years have seemed like ever and ever, and peace was put on the never and never. BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS) Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) He’s dead thick, (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And such a prick; (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And smart he’s not – Israelis wish that Bibi had been shot. CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Although one thing occurs to us mark you; Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu) But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu; Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s dead thick and such a prick; But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you, We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu; WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!! (goodbye).
Below is the Hallelujah Chorus by George Frederick Handel with lyrics on the screen:
In truth I was (and still am) partial to Dennis Potter’s work, but I think I found his late (posthumously published) pieces focused more on those aspects of his work that pleased me the least. That might explain the near reverence if my Painting An Angel’s Nipples piece when he died…
…compared with the less reverent tone of this piece, some two years later.
POTTER’S LAST (To the Tune of “Why Must I Be a Teenager In Love”)
A “bimbo” looking girl should mime the lead vocals on stage while the other girl sings through the microphone offstage. The fellas can do the oooo-waaaaa-oooo’s, which you shall have to supply yourselves.
VERSE 1
Each time I read a Potter, It almost breaks me heart; Cos I am so afraid, I’ll get the bimbo part; Each night I ask the stars up above, Why must he write such godawful stuff?
VERSE 2
He shows me doggy fashion, Through mirrors, on the bed; Hope I don’t have to bonk, With Finney’s severed head; Each night I ask the stars in the cast, Why must I mime these naff songs from the past?
MIDDLE EIGHT
Four hundred years, In the future, who knows; Churn out scripts in sixty days, But bleedin’ ‘ell it shows.
VERSE 3
So if you want to make me cry, That won’t be so hard to do; Slash me face and black me eyes, Or paint lipstick round me pubes; Each night I tell the stars in the cast, Thank God this script will be Den Potter’s last, Thank God this script will be Den…… Potter’s last!!
Below is a video of Dion & The Belmonts singing Why Must I Be A Teenager In Love with the lyrics on the screen:
EURO 96 – QUICKIE
(To the Tune of “Ode To Joy”)
CHORUS
Friends down Wembley at the football,
Tossed out of the stadium;
We’d been drinkin’ such a skinful,
We threw up our Heineken.
Used our seasons went back to Neasden,
Mooned with our bums and showed our dicks,
(Went) down the pub with Sky that evening,
We watched Euro ’96.
Started heavin’ then for no reason,
We threw some chairs and then some bricks;
(And) now we’re down the cells in Willesden,
This is Euro ’96.
Here is the sound of Ode To Joy – a little bit of Ludwig Van:
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JUNE-JULY 1996 RUN
Dear Rob
Great to have you back again. Strangely, I learnt that you would be doing this run by bumping into Kerry Michael in a bar in Manchester; I was visiting an old Uni friend of mine who turned out to know the crowd Kerry was with etc. etc. – small world.
This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show, one or two previously unperformed ones and new ones which I have written this weekend. Sorry I couldn’t get the gear to you any sooner. I’ll try to write some more over the next couple of days (it’s a long weekend!!).
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If you want me to rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. Also, if any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title
Original Title/
Artist on Tape Approx.. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
euro ’96 quickie ode to joy (4th movement Beethoven’s 9th) N
gay pride downtown / petula clark N
sex pistols revival song anarchy in the UK / sex pistols N
labour strikes – 1996 remix edelweiss / sound of music N
russian shock / 1996 remix casatchok / trad? N
hooray for bollywood hooray for hollywood / hollywood hotel N
goatee swanee / al jolson 7+
stakeholder dont sit under the apple tree / andrew sisters 4-6
whitewater 1996 oh susannah / trad 4-6
penguin 60s when I’m 64 / beatles 4-6
This little lyric will be exactly 21 years old tomorrow, as I wrote (24 May 2017). Is that perhaps a sign?
GAY PRIDE
(To the Tune of “Downtown”)
VERSE 1
When you’re a queen,
And you are feeling unseemly,
You can always go….
Gay Pride.
If you like quiche,
And all those tight-buttocked breeches,
When you’re marching slow……..
Gay Pride.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Listen to the speeches about HIV and herpes,
Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual and Transgender Pride is,
Now what it’s called;
The tights are much brighter there,
You can forget all your troubles, like unwanted hair and go…..
CHORUS 1
Gay Pride,
(Things will get better, oh)
Gay Pride,
(No time for heteros)
Gay Pride,
Queens will be mincing for you.
(Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride)……
SEX PISTOLS REVIVAL SONG (To the Tune of “Anarchy in the UK”)
(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. “has-bin”,”nase” etc.)
INTRO
Right…….now………(well, twenty years ago to be more precise………..)……ha ha ha…..
VERSE 1
I was so anarchic, Now I am archaic, I’ve blown all me dosh and me voice has grown posh, I wanna make cash and play trash; Cos I wanna be wealthy.
VERSE 2
Anarchy for the UK, I used to be blonde, now I’m grey, I’ve done the Marquee now its Wembley, I’m an “has-bin” with a safety pin; But I wanna be trendy.
VERSE 3
We’re history from the punk days, Use a safety pin through your “nase”; The punters liked Sid its a shame that he’s “did”, We’ll have him exhumed and well “illumed”; Cos I wanna be predatory.
OUTRO
Cos I wanna see royalties, (And I don’t mean the monarchy); And I wanna be eternally, (Like that bastard McCartney), Cos I wanna be wealthy!!
Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:
Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:
