Tag: Paula Tappenden

Paula & Daryl Letter, NewsRevue Submission, 16 July 1995

Paula will be Paula Tappenden of course, but can I for the life of me remember Daryl’s surname? I have a mental picture of him, but no surname. I’m hoping that John Random spots this one and puts me right.

Update: John Random has given me the Boot – i.e. reminded me (on The Shit Of Araby lyric as it happens) that Daryl was, of course, named Daryl Boot. An excellent performer as well as director.

Usual blah blah about the neat table becoming a list because Amipro tables won’t convert.

Paula & Daryl
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 1995 RUN

Dear Paula & Daryl

Great to have you both back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you both soon.

Song Title / Original Title/ Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

i’m not in power / i’m not in love / 10cc – New

i can sing a rainbow warrior / NO RECORDING – SORRY – New

jimmy knapp / jimmy mack/martha & the vandellas – 1-3

sealed syphilis / sealed with a kiss/brian hyland – New

vanessa mae / enola gay / omd – 4-6

jumping mick jagger / jumping jack flash / rolling stones – 4-6

crap tarantino man / son of a preacher man / dusty springfield – New

the shit of araby / the sheikh of araby / spike jones – New

posy band / perfect day / lou reed – New

Mick’s Unpleasant Things, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1992

25 years ago to this very day (I am writing on 1 August 2017), I wrote this rather nasty little lyric, which was very successfully used in NewsRevue for many weeks.

I’m hoping someone out there can name the two performers who made this their own for the first few weeks; I can picture them but not name them. I think Jonathan Linsley and Dot Atkinson were also in that cast, but I’m pretty sure the other two played Mick and Jerry…

Postscript: I found a running order and cast list in my own pile of antiquities – Peter Anthony Graham was “Mick” and Vanessa Peers was “Jerry”.

25 years later Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are both still surprisingly newsworthy.

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)

 

JUDGE:Dearly beloved.  We are gathered here today to conduct the divorce proceedings of Mr Michael Jagger and Ms Jeremiah Hall.  Ms Hall.  Will you please explain to this court why you wish to divorce this man.

 

VERSE 1 – JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,

Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;

Hundreds of other girls now wear his rings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 2 – MORE OF JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,

Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;

Look how he dances and hear how he sings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX

 

When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;

I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.

 

JUDGE:Is she not radiant?  Is she not fragrant?  Would you care for a Twix, Ms Hall?  Now, Mr Slimy Toad, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

VERSE 3 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,

With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;

Fights over Carla and my other flings,

These are a few of her unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 4 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,

Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,

I want some action, I don’t want the strings,

Least of all I want her unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX

 

When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;

I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

 

JUDGE:Divorce granted.  Next case please.

Just in case you don’t know the song My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music…or even if you do know it but want to hear and see it again, here it is:

 

On 1 August 1993, I wrote a 50th birthday remix of this lyric:

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS – 50th BIRTHDAY REMIX

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)
 
ANNOUNCER:And now, in honour of Mick Jagger’s fiftieth birthday, we go over now to Mick & Jerry’s palatial residence in Richmond upon Thames.
 
VERSE 1 – JERRY HALL
 
Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,
Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;
‘Tho Mick is fifty he still has wild flings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 2 – MICK JAGGER
 
Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,
With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;
I’m fifty so Jerry now clips my wings,
These are a few of her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX
 
When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;
I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.
 
VERSE 3 – JERRY HALL
 
Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,
Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;
Look how he dances and hear how he sings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 4 – MICK JAGGER
 
Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,
Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,
I want some action, I don’t want the strings,
Least of all I want her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX
 
When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;
I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

Note To Paula Tappenden, NewsRevue, 1 August 1992

This note speaks for itself.

So the other female in that cast (other than Dot Atkinson) was named Vanessa. Can anyone remember or find out what her surname is/was?

(Postscript: Vanessa Peers.)

I remember absolutely nothing about the stupor-filled weekend in South London referred to in the note…

…so it must have worked.

The diary helps; I went to see Little Voice with Bobbie on the Saturday evening and played bridge (presumably at Daniel’s place) at 5:30 on the Sunday. I’ll write up the Little Voice presently but the bridge I don’t recall but it sounds as though it would have been well wacky.

 

Dear Paula,

 

 

Here is one new song and some changes to bring some others more up to date.

 

MICK (see enclosed)

 

Vanessa wanted a leading role in a number from a big musical – so here it is.  I’m actually very pleased with “Mick’s Unpleasant Things” and hope you like it too.  I think you could do a lot with it.

 

STERIODS (see enclosed)

 

The twists in the Olympic drugs story have helped me to tighten up the Steriods (sic) number.  I think it is better than it was, but I won’t be disappointed if you drop it for something better.

 

TERRE’BLANCHE (see enclosed)

 

The Terre’Blanche libel case gets more bizarre and more coverage in the papers each day.  I have tweaked the intro to bring it up to date with the case and added an extra “middle bit” couplet that pre-empts the ANC general strike (due to start Monday) and the Boipatong enquiry (due to start on Thursday).  You have done a really marvellous job with this number – I was very impressed.  It is just a shame that the writers could hardly see at the back last week!

 

LABOUR (not enclosed)

 

I agree with you’re swopping Dave Blunkett for Paul Boeteng in “Come Back Labour”, but I think the intros should now read:

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce:

Neil Kinnock on keyboards,

Margaret Beckett on do-dos,

Harriet Harman on wop-bops,

Dave Blunkett on eye-drops,

And me, John Smith, on (pointedly) lead vocals.”

 

One small hint on performing “Labour”: – the Wilson couplet can be made to scan by leaping in a fraction early on the second line – the emphasis is as indicated    thus:

 

“Come back Wilson, whatcha leave for?

We last won elections in ‘74,”

 

(I keep meaning to mention this when I see you – I know its a bit petty.)

 

ME (not enclosed)

 

I’m off now to spend the weekend in a stupor with various friends in South London.  I may well get some good ideas there – but am unlikely to remember many of them and am even less likely to write anything down.  If anything else does come to me I’ll bring it in Monday night.

 

You are all doing a grand job and I hope to see you next week.

 

Eugène Terre’Blanche, NewsRevue Lyric Actually Used, 26 July 1992

I like to think of Ogblog as the fifth emergency service. So when John White texted me on 1 January 2017 to say that he had my old Eugène Terre’blanche/Sweet Gene Vincent song giving him earworm and could I please Ogblog it sharpish…no sooner the word than the deed – click here for that hurried rescue piece.

But in truth, I wanted to write more about this lyric and in any case that original version from February 1992 was pre-NewsRevue (from my point of view) and never professionally performed.

By the summer of 1992 I was writing quite regularly for NewsRevue and, fortuitously (for me and for NewsRevue, not for the people of South Africa), Terre’blanche was back in the news.

Stalwarts of the show that summer were Jonathan Linsley and his then girlfriend Paula Tappenden. Both had a go at both acting and directing the show; at that juncture, Paula was directing and Jonathan was acting. That was good fortune for this song, as Jonathan was able to personify the ghastly Eugène Terre’Blanche very well.

I recall some excellent business in the intro where they would take the line “I like to watch springboks rutting” and get a member of the cast to do some suggestive puppetry with a pair of sneakers, only for Linsley/Terre’Blanche to yell, “I said springboks, not Reeboks”.

The female members of the cast would don deer masks and then dance around as a chorus of springboks. I recall that Dorothy (“Dot”) Atkinson was one of the springboks in that song but more importantly one of the supremely talented members of that cast.

Perhaps you had to be there – it was great. Paula and Jon (and indeed Dot); you were and are stars. It was one of the golden eras for NewsRevue.

In my delight and excitement at this triumph, I found, in Record and Tape Exchange, which is/was around the corner from my flat, an utterly ghastly album of Afrikaaner Oom-pah-pah music by Johnny Saffer and his Afrikaaner Pennywhistle Brass Band. OK, perhaps the band wasn’t called that, but the jolly looking chap on the cover “boer” a passing resemblance to Linsley/Terre’Blanche.

I gave the album to Paula and Jonathan. I think Jonathan and Paula enjoyed the wheeze. I wonder what became of that memento when they split? Perhaps this Ogblog piece will uncover one or both of  those lovely people and my question might even be answered.

Meanwhile, the lyrics that were actually used in NewsRevue follow:

                              EUGENE TERRE’BLANCHE – JULY 1992 VERSION

(To the tune of “Sweet Gene Vincent”)

 

INTRO BIT

 

{CHORUS:Eugene baby}

I like to get out of Cape Town sometimes and drive round the Karoo,

I like to eat Boerwors with right wing reporters who claim we don’t screw;

I like to watch the springboks rutting, I like to eat them barbecued.

Eugene Terre’Blanche, Neo-Nazi baas, Eugene Terre’Blanche.

{CHORUS:Who, who, who’s that baas?}

 

1st MAIN BIT

 

White face-black shirt, whites rich-blacks poor, Afrikaner-Hottentot, white’s right-black’s not:-

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

There’s one in every town;

I’m fond of dressing up like the Ku Klux Klan,

In a pointed hat and gown.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I am a crashing Boer;

Before we cede power to the ANC,

We’ll fight a civil war.

 

Well, the Nationalist Party is much too soft,

I think they’re Botha jerk,

But I’d still sooner have to take my Pik,

Than F.W. de Klerk.

 

2nd MAIN BIT

 

White Meneer-black Kaffir, whites vote-blacks don’t, Afrikaner-Bantu, hate blacks and Jews:-

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

They say that I’m like Himmler;

I haven’t yet caused as much violence as him,

But our accents sound quite similar.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I’m the baas laager lout;

We’re gonna cause trouble in the RSA,

Until we get thrown out.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I’m just a big fat git;

I’d like to end this song on a profound note,

But I’m afraid that’s it.

 

Click here or below for the Ian Dury and the Blockheads version.

 

Build A Rocket Or Two, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 July 1992

In truth I had no recollection of rewriting this one in the summer of 1992 nor of seeing it performed in NewsRevue – I simply remembered the generic version of it (shown at the bottom of this piece, dated 4 February 1991 in my jotter) as one of my earliest efforts of writing parody lyrics and performing them to friends.

Still, there it is in a running order I have rediscovered from Week Four of Paula Tappenden’s run – (w/e 31 July 1992).

I vaguely recall the subject of Saddam and his missiles being in the news again and discussing it at the writers’ meeting the week before, so I must have thought to myself, “I have a little something that will easily adapt to this story”.

The notion that Saddam had really nasty weapons squirrelled away somewhere seems to have been part of the general consensus amongst the savvy as early as 1992; an interesting note for the many historians who are surely reading the NewsRevue section of Ogblog as part of the authoritative historical record of the 1990’s era.

BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO – JULY 1992 VERSION

(A song for Saddam and Chorus to the tune of “Pick a Pocket or Two”)

 

VERSE ONE

In this world one thing counts,

On defence, large amounts;

Missiles like these, don’t grow on trees;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Guns like these don’t grow on trees

You’ve got to build a rocket or two.}

 

VERSE TWO

Take a tip from Saddam,

Losing war is a sham;

Shrug of the loss, I’m still the boss;

But better hide a rocket or two,

I’d better hide a rocket or two, boys,

I’ll hide a vicious rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Yankee nerds can’t save the Kurds,

Saddam has hid a rocket or two.}

 

VERSE THREE

Iraqis, pay their tax,

For warheads, with Anthrax;

Splat Kurds en masse with mustard gas;

So build another rocket or two,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,

I’ll build a Shiite rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Germs like these don’t spread with ease,

So build another rocket or two.}

 

VERSE 4

UN force, who will lose,

Can my Scud, beat their Cruise? (Saddam looks worried, then has a thought)

Kill with aplomb by Neutron Bomb;

I’ll buy another rocket or two,

I like to buy a rocket or two, boys,

A very nasty rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Fallout?  These last centuries,

We’d better build a bunker or two.}

Here is Ron Moody singing “Pick A Pocket Or Two” from the movie version of Oliver!:

…and here are the lyrics to Pick A Pocket Or Two.

If by any chance there are some completists keen to see the original (February 1991) version of my “Rocket” lyrics, here it is:

BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO

(A Song to the tune of “Pick a Pocket or Two” from “Oliver!”)

VERSE ONE

In this world, one thing counts,
On defence, large amounts.
Missiles like these,
Don’t grow on trees;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Guns like these,
Don’t grow on trees,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

VERSE TWO

Why should we, pay more tax,
For warheads, with Anthrax?
Splat ’em en masse,
With mustard gas;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Germs like these,
Don’t spread with ease,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

VERSE THREE

If it’s Nukes, that you choose,
Build a Scud, or a Cruise.
Kill with aplomb,
By Neutron Bomb;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Fallout? These,
Last centuries,
You’d better build a bunker or two.

Come Back Labour, NewsRevue Lyric, 18 July 1992

I remember so clearly having a drink with this super cast; Jonathan Linsley, Dot Atkinson, Vanessa Peers and a spindly chap (was he named Paul?…update – no, he was named Peter Anthony Graham) who did Mick Jagger very well. Paula Tappenden was directing. The wonderful Dai Jenkins was the MD.

I asked them if they had any special requests.

Peter Anthony Graham aka “Spindly chap” wanted to sing a doo-wap song.

The girls wondered whether I could make a really taboo subject such as cancer amusing.

That weekend I attempted both. Only one worked.

This one worked and ran in the show for quite some time. I still like the song, although the line about John Smith possibly having a dicky heart went off as soon as he did actually have a massive heart attack and die. Kinda spoilt the joke.

COME BACK LABOUR

(To the Tune of “Come Back My Love”)

(You’ll have to supply most of the “do-wops” yourselves)

 

(John Smith is reading a boring speech about Labour Party policy – all the others are fidgeting and looking intensely uncomfortable)

 

SMITH:….once we’ve controlled unemployment, then we can concentrate on inflation and the balance of trade.

 

Clause Four of the Labour Party constitution has for many years been a vital issue……..

 

KINNOCK:John, for crying out loud.  This isn’t what Labour needs.  The people need a rallying cry to bring them back to the party.  A new vision, a new voice, a new tune.

 

SMITH:Och, Neil, maybe you’re right.

 

INTRO – JOHN SMITH ON LEAD VOCALS

Woh, oh, oh;

Come back Labour, don’t fade away,

Come back voters, come back to stay;

It’s our darkest hour, been so long without power,

We need to win so badly:

 

Wop {do,do,do} do de wang {do,do,do} do de wop, do de wang, do de wop.

 

CHORUS 1 – OTHER SINGERS START TAKING OVER (TO JOHN’S ANNOYANCE)

Oh won’t you come back Labour, don’t fade away,

We need new ideas, we need to pray;

We bicker too much and when we have a putsch,

The Liberals look happy.

 

Jim Callaghan, he was a man,

The British voters just couldn’t stand,

We failed in the South, put our Foot in our mouth,

And lost even more badly.

 

MIDDLE BIT 1 – JOHN IS BEING UPSTAGED

Now every party makes, some mistakes, in its choice of leader,

But Labour has a knack for, choosing an unelectable bleeder,

{Wo-ah, wo-ah, wo-ah}

 

CHORUS 2

Come back Wilson, whatcha leave for?

We last won elections in ’74,

We’ve floundered so much, we need your winning touch,

Cos since we’ve done so badly.

 

INSTRUMENTAL WITH LOTS OF “WOP A DO WOPS” AND THAT SORT OF THING

JOHN SMITH:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce:

Neil Kinnock on keyboards,

Margaret Beckett on do-dos,

Harriet Harman on wop-bops,

David Blunkett on eye-drops,

And me, John Smith, on (pointedly) lead vocals.

 

MIDDLE BIT 2 – JOHN SMITH IS BRIEFLY BACK ON LEAD VOCALS

The papers spread the myth, that John Smith, isn’t up to the fast pace,

But in the Labour Party, they know that my heart is in the right place,

{CHORUS: and beating.}

 

CHORUS 3 – BUT IT WAS FUTILE, JOHN IS MARGINALISED AGAIN

Come back Kinnock, don’t go away,

We want you back, we want you to stay,

We all liked your style, tho’ you lost every while;

We’re used to doing badly,

{KINNOCK:Re-re-re-really?}

We keep on doing sadly,

{KINNOCK:You mean it?}

We want to win so badly.

 

OUTRO

KINNOCK:Oh, I can make one of my rabble rousing speeches, like the one in Sheffield.

ALL:Perhaps we’d better stick with John Smith for a while.

Here are Darts singing Come Back My Love.

…and the lyrics can be found here.

Lumps, Attempted NewsRevue Lyric (Mercifully Unused), 18 July 1992

I remember so clearly having a drink with this super cast; Jonathan Linsley, Dot Atkinson, Vanessa Peers and a spindly chap (was he named Paul?…no, Peter Anthony Graham) who did Mick Jagger very well. Paula Tappenden was directing.

I asked them if they had any special requests.

Peter (aka “spindly chap”) wanted to sing a doo-wap song.

The girls wondered whether I could make a really taboo subject such as cancer amusing.

That weekend I attempted both. Only one worked.

Lumps, the cancer song, didn’t work. Nor (mercifully) did the team use it, despite having requested it.

I tried.

I’D A LUMP IN MY GUT

(To the Tune of “You’re the One That I Want”)

 

VERSE 1 – HIS HOLINESS

I’ve got cells, they’re multiplying,

May be losing my bowel;

Cos the pain the lumps applying,

Its intensifying {Its intensifying, its intensifying, its intensifying}.

 

VERSE 1 – OLIVIA

You’d better shape up, cos we need a Pope, with a healthy intestine;

You’d better shape up, if you’re gonna cope, the growth better be benign;

 

CHORUS 1 – BACK TO HIS HOLINESS

Yes it is, the prognosis is divine.

I’d a lump in my gut, {how big’s the lump you’ve got?}, Oooh, ooh, ooh, sister;

Like a small coconut, {where did it hurt a lot?}, Oooh, ooh, ooh, brother;

Like a pain in the butt; {he has a lot of pluck}, Oooh, ooh, ooh,

That neoplasm, had me in spasm.

 

VERSE 2 – OLIVIA (COMING ON A BIT STRONG WITH HIS HOLINESS)

Keep abreast of the tabloids,

They’d go bust for a rumour;

‘Bout the state of my mam’roids,

Pap tumour.

 

VERSE 2 – HIS HOLINESS (SLIGHTLY OUT OF CHARACTER I FEEL)

You’d better shape up, Miss Olivia, cos you’re well known for your bust,

I’d better shut up, cos my own career, will be over if I lust,

{OLIVIA:Are you sure?}Yes, abstention is a must.

 

CHORUS 2 – OLIVIA

Now the one on the left, {look at the udder one}, is a lot bigger,

Than the one on the right, {titter at nipple puns}, which is much smaller,

Than the one on the left, {I read it in the Sun}, Ooh, ooh ,ooh;

It’s not neurosis, it’s carcinosis.

 

Now my tit has gone bust, {cancer’s a lot of fun}, ooh, ooh, ooh,

STOP (The music and dancing stops) – I can’t go on singing this pap:

It brings a lump to my throat.

 

(Looks of horror on the other faces and then quickly BLACKOUT)

Here is the video of You’re The One That I Want from Grease:

...and here are the lyrics.

Coppers Are Dressed As Hippies, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 May 1992

This one went down really well with the NewsRevue audience and ran for a long time.

I remember being a little disappointed that John Random didn’t use it towards the end of his April to June 1992 run, which was in full flow when this one was written. But I now understand more about the frantic nature of producing NewsRevue; this number would have been a real challenge to add to the pot (as it were) and do well mid-run.

Anyway, Paula Tappenden and her cast picked it up straight away in late June/July and did a fabulous job with it. The number was revived by later casts too, I’m pretty sure.

I recall Harriet Quirk being especially complementary about this one; I think she liked it.

COPPERS ARE DRESSED AS HIPPIES

(To the tune of “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic”)

 

VERSE 1

If you go down to the Plain today,

You’re in for a big surprise;

If you go down to Stonehenge today,

You’ll see police in disguise.

 

CHORUS 1

For solstice time means unwanted guests,

The Fuzz are after heaps of arrests,

And that’s why lots of Coppers are dressed as Hippies.

 

VERSE 2

Every piggy-wig in the force,

Is sure of a chance to bust;

The Hippies always have herbal smokes,

Speed, Acid and Angel Dust.

 

CHORUS 2

So all the filth that ever there was,

Is gathered there for certain because,

Today’s the day the Force infiltrate the Hippies.

 

PENULTIMATE BIT

Hippy time for PC Plod,

He’s in the drug squad,

He’s wearing a syrup and false beard;

Kaftan worn and sandal shod,

And using words like “hey”, “wow”, “man”, and “weird”.

 

AND FINALLY

Thousands of folk mill about,

Just watch them dance and shout,

And sometimes set off a flare.

 

At six o’clock the chief calls it off,

And they’ve not made one arrest,

Because there aren’t any Hippies there.

 

(Perhaps two Copper-Hippies simultaneously put their hand on the other’s shoulder and say “You’re nicked”)

Here is Henry Hall and His Orchestra with “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” – I make no apology for the publisher’s placement of the apostrophe – but just dig the clipped tones of the singer:

Here is the lyric of “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic”…that’s better apostrophe-wise.

Yugoslavia, A Pre-NewsRevue Lyric Eventually Used In NewsRevue, 1 July 1991

One of my very early efforts at lyric writing was this lyric about the break-up of Yugoslavia. The original is dated 1 July 1991 – I’ll need to upload a scan of the printout for that exact lyric. The version that follows – version 2, was updated and extended for NewsRevue in 1992 in the very early days of my involvement there. I have a feeling that it was actually used in the show briefly in the late summer/early autumn of 1992. If not Paula Tappenden’s cast then the one after.

Or did John Random use it in one of his subsequent runs/shows?

Anyway, here’s version 2:

YUGOSLAVIA (Version 2)

(To the tune of “Istanbul not Constantinople”)

VERSE 1

Serbia is in Yugoslavia,

Now there’s Croatia and also Slovinia,

Plus there’s Bosnia and then Macedonia,

Two that I don’t know,

And Mon-te-neg-ro.

VERSE 2

Lets go back to old Yugoslavia,

No you can’t go, there is such a palava,

You may get shot up and never recover,

One day you’re in Bled,

Next day bled and dead.

TRITE MIDDLE BIT 1

Even tennis stars,

Our commentators fear;

They can’t say without a glitch,

Goran Ivanisovitch.

VERSE 3

Take a break out in Yugoslavia,

No I won’t go there, I think I would rather,

Go to Greece or maybe Czechoslovakia,

Why did poor Yugoslavia get the veto?

Cos they went all to pieces after Tito.

 

(Instrumental – with “do, do, do’s”, “wo, wo, wo’s” and outbursts of “Serbia”, “Croatia”, “Bosnia”, possibly accompanied by some suitably violent business)

 

TRITE MIDDLE BIT 2

Even tennis stars,

Have put their lives at risk,

Monica Seles groans and grunts,

Even she had death threats once.

VERSE 4

See a shrink if in Yugoslavia,

Cos the countries shrinking farther and farther,

I’d prefer to be in the Intefarda,

Why is poor Yugoslavia now the pits?

Cos the Serbs are a bunch of violent gits.

Please note that the above version was dated 5 July 1992 – also aimed to be topical for Wimbledon but more than a year before the actual murder attempt on Monica Seles’ life.

Below is  a YouTube of The Four Lads singing Istanbul (not Constantinople)…

…or if you prefer the zappy They Might Be Giants version:

You can read the lyrics of Istanbul (not Constantinople) by clicking here.