Tag: Peter Graham

In truth I had no recollection of rewriting this one in the summer of 1992 nor of seeing it performed in NewsRevue – I simply remembered the generic version of it (shown at the bottom of this piece, dated 4 February 1991 in my jotter) as one of my earliest efforts of writing parody lyrics and performing them to friends.

Still, there it is in a running order I have rediscovered from Week Four of Paula Tappenden’s run – (w/e 31 July 1992).

I vaguely recall the subject of Saddam and his missiles being in the news again and discussing it at the writers’ meeting the week before, so I must have thought to myself, “I have a little something that will easily adapt to this story”.

The notion that Saddam had really nasty weapons squirrelled away somewhere seems to have been part of the general consensus amongst the savvy as early as 1992; an interesting note for the many historians who are surely reading the NewsRevue section of Ogblog as part of the authoritative historical record of the 1990’s era.

BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO – JULY 1992 VERSION

(A song for Saddam and Chorus to the tune of “Pick a Pocket or Two”)

 

VERSE ONE

In this world one thing counts,

On defence, large amounts;

Missiles like these, don’t grow on trees;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Guns like these don’t grow on trees

You’ve got to build a rocket or two.}

 

VERSE TWO

Take a tip from Saddam,

Losing war is a sham;

Shrug of the loss, I’m still the boss;

But better hide a rocket or two,

I’d better hide a rocket or two, boys,

I’ll hide a vicious rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Yankee nerds can’t save the Kurds,

Saddam has hid a rocket or two.}

 

VERSE THREE

Iraqis, pay their tax,

For warheads, with Anthrax;

Splat Kurds en masse with mustard gas;

So build another rocket or two,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,

I’ll build a Shiite rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Germs like these don’t spread with ease,

So build another rocket or two.}

 

VERSE 4

UN force, who will lose,

Can my Scud, beat their Cruise? (Saddam looks worried, then has a thought)

Kill with aplomb by Neutron Bomb;

I’ll buy another rocket or two,

I like to buy a rocket or two, boys,

A very nasty rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Fallout?  These last centuries,

We’d better build a bunker or two.}

Here is Ron Moody singing “Pick A Pocket Or Two” from the movie version of Oliver!:

…and here are the lyrics to Pick A Pocket Or Two.

If by any chance there are some completists keen to see the original (February 1991) version of my “Rocket” lyrics, here it is:

BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO

(A Song to the tune of “Pick a Pocket or Two” from “Oliver!”)

VERSE ONE

In this world, one thing counts,
On defence, large amounts.
Missiles like these,
Don’t grow on trees;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Guns like these,
Don’t grow on trees,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

VERSE TWO

Why should we, pay more tax,
For warheads, with Anthrax?
Splat ’em en masse,
With mustard gas;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Germs like these,
Don’t spread with ease,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

VERSE THREE

If it’s Nukes, that you choose,
Build a Scud, or a Cruise.
Kill with aplomb,
By Neutron Bomb;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Fallout? These,
Last centuries,
You’d better build a bunker or two.

This one went down really well with the NewsRevue audience and ran for a long time.

I remember being a little disappointed that John Random didn’t use it towards the end of his April to June 1992 run, which was in full flow when this one was written. But I now understand more about the frantic nature of producing NewsRevue; this number would have been a real challenge to add to the pot (as it were) and do well mid-run.

Anyway, Paula Tappenden and her cast picked it up straight away in late June/July and did a fabulous job with it. The number was revived by later casts too, I’m pretty sure.

I recall Harriet Quirk being especially complementary about this one; I think she liked it.

COPPERS ARE DRESSED AS HIPPIES

(To the tune of “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic”)

 

VERSE 1

If you go down to the Plain today,

You’re in for a big surprise;

If you go down to Stonehenge today,

You’ll see police in disguise.

 

CHORUS 1

For solstice time means unwanted guests,

The Fuzz are after heaps of arrests,

And that’s why lots of Coppers are dressed as Hippies.

 

VERSE 2

Every piggy-wig in the force,

Is sure of a chance to bust;

The Hippies always have herbal smokes,

Speed, Acid and Angel Dust.

 

CHORUS 2

So all the filth that ever there was,

Is gathered there for certain because,

Today’s the day the Force infiltrate the Hippies.

 

PENULTIMATE BIT

Hippy time for PC Plod,

He’s in the drug squad,

He’s wearing a syrup and false beard;

Kaftan worn and sandal shod,

And using words like “hey”, “wow”, “man”, and “weird”.

 

AND FINALLY

Thousands of folk mill about,

Just watch them dance and shout,

And sometimes set off a flare.

 

At six o’clock the chief calls it off,

And they’ve not made one arrest,

Because there aren’t any Hippies there.

 

(Perhaps two Copper-Hippies simultaneously put their hand on the other’s shoulder and say “You’re nicked”)

Here is Henry Hall and His Orchestra with “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” – I make no apology for the publisher’s placement of the apostrophe – but just dig the clipped tones of the singer:

Here is the lyric of “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic”…that’s better apostrophe-wise.