Tag: Virginia Bottomley

Virginia, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 July 1994 and 29 January 1995

I know what you are thinking.

Why did the author of the lyric You Can’t Hurry Trusts want to write another lyric on a similar topic two years later?

Well, my only excuse for the 1994 lyric below was that NewsRevue was always hungry for new material, even for news stories that ran and ran, even when the existing material was very strong.

My excuse for the January 1995 version was that Bart’s (St Bartholemew’s Hospital) proposed closure was news.

I think only the second version was used in the show, briefly.

Here’s the 1994 version:

VIRGINIA
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1

DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT: Do not close.

VERSE 1

A DOCTOR: Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS: ….doing sums…..)
PATIENT: I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.

CHORUS 2

DOCTORS: Virginia, we’re only two star,
You’re shaking our confidence daily;
PATIENT: Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.

DOCTORS: Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

CHORUS 3

DOCTORS: Jubilation, we’re three star again,
We do all our work in out patients;
PATIENT: Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.

(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)

Here’s the Bart’s closure remix from January 1995:

VIRGINIA – BARTS CLOSURE ETC REMIX
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1

DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT: Do not close.

VERSE 1

A DOCTOR: Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS: ….doing sums…..)
PATIENT: I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.

CHORUS 2

DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re closing down Barts,
You’re causing more casualties daily;
PATIENT: Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.

DOCTORS: Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

CHORUS 3

DOCTORS: Consternation, made losses again,
We’ll save if we treat in out patients;
PATIENT: Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.

(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)

Here’s Simon & Garfunkle singing Cecilia, with lyrics on the screen:

Virginia, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 July 1994

This lyric feels like it emerged on the back of another of those requests, along the lines of, “we really like You Can’t Hurry Trusts“…

You Can’t Hurry Trusts, NewsRevue Lyric, 7 May 1992

…”can you write a different one along similar lines?”…

…which I could do, of course. I even quite like this one, which focuses on the health secretary, Virginia Bottomley:

_ VIRGINIA _

(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)

CHORUS 1

DOCTORS:Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT:Do not close.

VERSE 1

A DOCTOR:Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS:….doing sums…..)
PATIENT:I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.

CHORUS 2

DOCTORS:Virginia, we’re only two star,
You’re shaking our confidence daily;
PATIENT:Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.
DOCTORS:Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

CHORUS 3

DOCTORS:Jubilation, we’re three star again,
We do all our work in out patients;
PATIENT:Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.
(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)

Below is a video of Simon & Garfunkel singing Cecilia with the lyrics on the screen:

I Cannot Run The Government, NewsRevue Lyric, 4 April 1994

25 years ago (as I write in April 2019), we had a Tory government hopelessly split over Europe, a Prime Minister in John Major who seemed to be hanging onto his job by a thread and cruel economic winds blowing through the UK economy.

Jacques Delors was President of the European Commission. Ken Clarke was Chancellor of the Exchequer, [Douglas] Hurd was Foreign Secretary.

Virginia Bottomley was the Health Secretary at that time. I gave her the lyrics treatment several times, most effectively in You Can’t Hurry Trusts:

You Can’t Hurry Trusts, NewsRevue Lyric, 7 May 1992

Michael Heseltine (Hezza) was Trade and Industry Secretary. Rhyming with his name was central to one of another of my long-runners; I’ll Never Find Another Job:

I’ll Never Find Another Job, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 October 1994

Coincidentally, Janie and I saw Hezza at a Pepys-themed concert at the Wigmore Hall only last week, as I write:

Music From The Chapel Royal With Excerpts From Pepys’ Diary, Wigmore Hall, 17 April 2019

But returning to April 1994, here’s the little lyric I wrote about the pathetic government of the time…which seems just a little less pathetic now, comparatively speaking:

_ I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT _

(To the Tune of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again")

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.

VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR

What do you get when you meet Delors?
A larger block vote with no concessions,
Subsidise Frog and Kraut recessions;
I’ll never fall in line again, with Michael Hestletine again.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES

CHORUS:Don’t tell us what it’s all about,
Cos Major’s in and we’ll chuck him out;
MAJOR:What would Ken Clarke or Hestletine do,
To get us out of deep deep swine do?

VERSE 3 – CHORUS OF TORIES

What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
John cannot run a cabinet, John cannot run a cabinet.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES

MAJOR:Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
CHORUS:We’d prefer Hurd or Gini Bottomley,
MAJOR:You bastards need a frontal lobotomy.

VERSE 3 – ALL THE TORIES

What do you get when your leader falls?
Another arsehole with no direction;
But still we should win the next election,
You’re bound to vote us in again,
(God knows why but) you’re bound to vote us in again.

As it happens, the public didn’t vote them in again, but it did take three more years before they got the boot. Just before they got the boot in May 1997, I wrote this update of the above lyric, which got the piece a revival in NewsRevue.

I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
 
VERSE 1
What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.

MIDDLE EIGHT
Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
Some folks say we’re unelectable,
Even though we’re Eurosceptical..

VERSE 2
What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.

Below is a video of Dionne Warwick singing I’ll Never Fall In Love Again with the lyrics on the screen: