25 years ago (as I write in April 2019), we had a Tory government hopelessly split over Europe, a Prime Minister in John Major who seemed to be hanging onto his job by a thread and cruel economic winds blowing through the UK economy.
Jacques Delors was President of the European Commission. Ken Clarke was Chancellor of the Exchequer, [Douglas] Hurd was Foreign Secretary.
Virginia Bottomley was the Health Secretary at that time. I gave her the lyrics treatment several times, most effectively in You Can’t Hurry Trusts:
Michael Heseltine (Hezza) was Trade and Industry Secretary. Rhyming with his name was central to one of another of my long-runners; I’ll Never Find Another Job:
Coincidentally, Janie and I saw Hezza at a Pepys-themed concert at the Wigmore Hall only last week, as I write:
But returning to April 1994, here’s the little lyric I wrote about the pathetic government of the time…which seems just a little less pathetic now, comparatively speaking:
_ I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT _
(To the Tune of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again")
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you meet Delors?
A larger block vote with no concessions,
Subsidise Frog and Kraut recessions;
I’ll never fall in line again, with Michael Hestletine again.MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
CHORUS:Don’t tell us what it’s all about,
Cos Major’s in and we’ll chuck him out;
MAJOR:What would Ken Clarke or Hestletine do,
To get us out of deep deep swine do?VERSE 3 – CHORUS OF TORIES
What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
John cannot run a cabinet, John cannot run a cabinet.MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
MAJOR:Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
CHORUS:We’d prefer Hurd or Gini Bottomley,
MAJOR:You bastards need a frontal lobotomy.VERSE 3 – ALL THE TORIES
What do you get when your leader falls?
Another arsehole with no direction;
But still we should win the next election,
You’re bound to vote us in again,
(God knows why but) you’re bound to vote us in again.
As it happens, the public didn’t vote them in again, but it did take three more years before they got the boot. Just before they got the boot in May 1997, I wrote this update of the above lyric, which got the piece a revival in NewsRevue.
I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
VERSE 1
What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.MIDDLE EIGHT
Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
Some folks say we’re unelectable,
Even though we’re Eurosceptical..VERSE 2
What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
Below is a video of Dionne Warwick singing I’ll Never Fall In Love Again with the lyrics on the screen: