Month: December 1993

Mr Ghali, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 31 December 1993

The Mr Blobby Song was an unlikely Christmas hit in 1993. It made me think of Mr Boutros Botros-Ghali, who was Secretary-General of the UN at that time.

Some good lines, but I don’t think this one ever made the cut for the show.

                                                              _ MR GHALI _

                                                  (To the Tune of “Mr Blobby”)
 
CHORUS 1
 
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, if you could make your resolutions stand;
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, the UN would spread peace throughout the land.
Lets hear it for Mr Ghali {Boutros Boutros Ghali}
 
VERSE 1
 
His political connections are untrue,
So as far as we can see,
He’s as weak as a gnat’s pee,
There’s nothing in the world that he can do.{Mr Ghali}
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
No UN force could change the course, in Lebanon or in Saigon;
Its gone to far in Myanmar, perhaps next year save Khampuchia;
He’s not the man to free Sudan, he’s much too minor to better China;
He’s no design for Palestine, he sure lacks the knack to jack the flack.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Ghali oh Mr Ghali, when disaster strikes you never get depressed,
Bengalis and Somalis, know you’re a failure ‘tho’ you do your best.
 
VERSE 2
 
Ghali’s General Assembly is a mess,
His political initiative’s worthless;
And because of limitations in the poor United Nations,
Millions of refugees have no address.{Boutros Boutros Ghali}
 
CHORUS 3
 
Ghali, Mr Ghali, your job is to spread peace throughout the earth,
Ghali, Boutros Ghali, you must be paid far more than you are worth;
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, humanity needs diplomatic skill,
Ghali, Boutros Ghali, if you don’t stop the bloodshed then who will?

In July 1996 I tried again with this lyric, replacing the last line of the middle eight with:

He’s no design for Palestine, take Clinton’s woid “you’re unemployed”.

Below is the Mr Blobby Song & Video:

If you want to read the lyrics to the Mr Blobby Song, click here.

Russian Shock, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 December 1993

This lyric did well in NewsRevue early in 1994 if I remember correctly.

Writing more than 25 years later, in 2019, this ultra-Nationalistic Vladimir Zhirinovsky character is still hanging around in Russian politics, it seems…

…April 2022 Update: The old git has snuffed it.

Headline Photo by A. Sdobnikov, CC BY 3.0

The reference to Liberal Democrats in the Isle of Dogs was related to a local election saga in the autumn of 1993 – click here.

_ RUSSIAN SHOCK _

(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)
 
The song should be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).
 
INTRO
 
Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:
 
VERSE 1
 
Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again,
Oi!!

In May 1996 I wrote an update of the above lyric:

RUSSIAN SHOCK – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)
The song should possibly be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).
INTRO
Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:
VERSE 1
Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.
CHORUS 1
Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again;
We could vote Gennady Zyuganov,
Old style Commie, probably insane,
We could vote Yavlinsky from Yabloko,
Maybe stick with Boris Yeltsin once again,
Oi!!

Below is Dimitri Dourakine’s recording of Casatschok with a suitable miltary dancing video. No lyrics, as there aren’t any, really. Just the occasional “oy”. Or do I mean “oi”?

After Returning From Our Travels, A Busy Period Running Up To Christmas & Twixtmas, 14 to 31 December 1993 & Beyond

I had allowed an additional day to sort myself out after our return from our long break, so the delayed return…

A Dreadful Journey Home From Bali, Via Jakarta, Bangkok & Abu Dhabi, Worthy Of Complaint, “Courtesy” Of Garuda Indonesia, 12 & 13 December 1993

…was less problematic for me than it was for Janie.

Janie has not made that mistake again since – we both tend to allow plenty of leeway and sorting out time after our travels.

I had some pleasurable things to do as well as hard work on our return – a NewsRevue Smoker on 16th December – the concept of such smokers is explained in my 40th anniversary piece – here and below:

NewsRevue 40th Anniversary Party, Show & Smoker, Canal Cafe Theatre, 18 August 2019

…and a BDO Consulting Xmas lunch the next day. Not sure where we ate that year – but it mught have been the Bleeding Heart again – in any case I won’t have been interrogated in the 1988 mode – click here or below for that story:

Binder Hamlyn Management Consultants Christmas Lunch Virtually All Day, 14 December 1988

Janie took quite a bit of work over that first weekend back – 18 & 19 December. My diary is silent about the weekend. there was talk about meeting up with Kim & Micky on Monday 20th for dinner, but I think we canceled that out, again perhaps pressure of work and dread of meals out during that holiday season.

Janie even took a couple of clients on Christmas Eve, whereas I (still a BDO salaryman for the last holiday season) needed to use up my accumulated holiday days to avoid losing them. I had Microbee come to look at my cockroaches that morning instead.

I went to my parents on Christmas Day and Janie saw her mum. Janie and I got together for the holiday season on Boxing Day.

We spent part of the Twixtmas period at Janie’s and part of the time at mine. Phillie, Tony & Charlie were around that season and when they wanted to stay at Janie’s, we decamped to mine.

I think we took the three of them to the flicks at Whiteley’s on Tuesday 28 December. For sure we took them to see The Secret Garden at some point during that period. I think Charlie (aged 6 or 7 at that time) got a lot more out of that experience than any of the rest of us. I am pretty sure it was on that occasion, while walking from my flat to Whiteley’s, that Tony opined to me on the sanity (or otherwise) of Janie’s family; judging Janie to be the sanest one but not delving into where that assessment might stand on other benchmarks or spectra of sanity.

It was my good fortune to be spared the family trip to Bristol during Twixtmas, not least because I had some client work to do that Twixtmas (the International Transport Workers Federation didn’t shut down for Twixtmas).

Janie and I got together again for new years eve – a quiet one if I remember correctly.

I think we spent a fair chunk of that time going through our holiday pictures, and why not?

Dreaming of a sun-drenched Twixtamas?

After spending the first couple of days of the new year at mine, as the family were still around, we then switched back to Janie’s place after another of those Worm family meals on Bank Holiday Monday (3rd January) at the North China Restaurant – still there as I write in January 2020. (The restaurant, not the Worm family).

So we spent the next weekend (8th/9th) at Janie’s; a quiet weekend by the looks of it.

A Submission To Private Eye’s I-Spy Column, 28 December 1993

Clearly I had time on my hands that Twixtmas, not that the period between Christmas and New Year was thus named yet in 1993.

No doubt Daisy and I had been going through our holiday photos then and no doubt this one from Hong Kong seemed a good candidate for Private Eye.

I cannot recall whether or not they used it – I do know from memory that Private Eye did publish a couple of my occasional submissions over the years.

The Editor 28 December 1993
I-Spy Column, Private Eye
6 Carlisle Street
London
W1V 5RG
 
Dear Sir
 
HANG TAT

 
I enclose a recent photo I have taken of an art shop in Hollywood Road, Hong Kong.  I have the negative, so if you would prefer that let me know.
 
I also enclose a stamped addressed envelope for you to return the photo.
 
Yours faithfully
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
encs

A Letter To Bill Dare At Spitting Image Re Brian Hilling’s Correspondence, 28 December 1993

Following up on the unexpected contact I’d had from Brian Hilling of Spitting Image…

A Letter To Brian Hilling At Spitting Image Re NewsRevue Lyric, “Domestic Fuel”, 28 December 1993

…I also wrote to Bill Dare:


Bill Dare 28 December 1993
Spitting Image
17-19 Plumber’s Row
London
E1 1EQ
 
 
Dear Bill
 
SONGS
 
I am writing on the advice of puppeteer Brian Hilling, who saw the enclosed song “Domestic Fuel” in News Revue and took a shine to it.
 
I have written a great deal for News Revue since your Giles Pilbrow kindly put me in touch with them many moons ago.  Spitting Image gave me a great deal of encouragement in my early days of writing, and I feel that I have been somewhat remiss in losing touch with you.
 
I have now built up a large portfolio of material and would like to meet with you to explore possibilities of using or adapting my material to suit your needs.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
enc
 
cc:Brian Hilling

Nothing came of it, meeting-wise. I’m not sure I even got a reply, but I do have a file of incoming correspondence, including some from Spitting Image, which absolutely needs to be trawled and scanned at some point.

A Letter To Brian Hilling At Spitting Image Re NewsRevue Lyric, “Domestic Fuel”, 28 December 1993

I don’t recall receiving a call from Brian Hilling of Spitting Image regarding Domestic Fuel…

Domestic Fuel, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 May 1993

…but it must have happened, otherwise I wouldn’t have written the following letter:

Brian Hilling                                                                        28 December 1993
Spitting Image
17-19 Plumber’s Row
London
E1 1EQ
 
Dear Brian
 
DOMESTIC FUEL

 
Thank you so much for taking an interest in “Domestic Fuel” and for your call.  I enclose a copy of the letter I have written to Bill plus a copy of the song for good measure.
 
Please do not hesitate to heap praise on my work and leave me messages of encouragement whenever you wish.
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
encs

Medley From Hell, Meatloaf-Style NewsRevue Lyric, 24 December 1993

[christopher simon [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]

I suppose I was hellish busy on return from our four-week trip to China, Hong Kong & Bali, so I didn’t write any humour for more than 10 days after my return.

But over that Christmas break I had a rich flowering of creative energy for NewsRevue, the first of which was this medley lyric, written on Christmas Eve.

The central conceit of it as topical humour was a news item I read that said that Meatloaf was drinking his own urine on his doctor’s advice to help his voice. Yet that specific aspect plays only a small part of the medley.

This lyric ran long in the show and in more than one format. My abiding memory has the great Paul Cawley singing the lead, but several performers capable of delivering belters did it justice.

_ MEDLEY FROM HELL _
(A Meatloaf Mini Opera)
 
There is nothing a director could do to desecrate this piece.  Motorcycles, blood and Gothic monstrosities would all be welcomed by the author.
 
NEIGHBOURS FROM HELL 1
(To the Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell”)
 
(Chorus or single voice other than Meatloaf sings)
He was born down in Texas many decades ago and his parents called him Marvin Aday,
But he said he would sooner change his name to Meatloaf because he eats a hundred burgers a day; He was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and he took it for three hundred quid,
He was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie,
(Enter Meatloaf outrageously, singing..)
But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;
 
(Now Meatloaf sings and Chorus hums refrain {sic})
But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose,
So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce;
And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well,
But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain,
Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.
 
(Chorus sings gleefully)
And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes,
Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums,
And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes,
So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon;
(Meatloaf sings mournfully)
But as I’ve sung so loud since the early seventies, I’m losing my voice too soon.
 
I PUT MY URINE INTO MY MOUTH
(To The Tune of “You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth”
 
And so I put my urine into my mouth,
Think my doctor must have took the piss;
I put my urine into my mouth,
Cos the doctor swore that it just about might save my volume,
CHORUS:volume,
And so I put my urine into my mouth,
CHORUS:think his doctor must have took the piss,
I put my urine into my mouth……..
 
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR CASH
(To the Tune of “I Would Do Anything For Love”)
 
……Cos I would do anything for slush,
Yes I would do anything for dosh,
Yes I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t lose fat,
No I won’t lose fat.
 
FATTER THAN HELL II
(To another bit of the tune “Bat Out Of Hell”)
 
So now I’m fatter than hell,
And now my stomach has swelled,
And my bladder as well.
 
Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS:  like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented),
Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS:  like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented).
And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!

Below is Bat Out Of Hell by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the lyrics don’t even start until 1’55”

Below is You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the relevant “took the words right out of my mouth” ones don’t come up until 2’05”

Below is the official video for I Would Do Anything For Love by Meatloaf, which gives the motorcycles and Gothic feel, which is probably more useful than the lyrics for this one:

In early 1994, I rewrote a scaled down solo version of this piece, with just the “Fatter Than Hell” refrain. Probably on request. I think both versions were used at one time or another:

_ FATTER THAN HELL _

(A Meatloaf Monstorosity To The Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell)
 
VERSE 1
 
I was born down in Texas many decades ago and my parents called me Marvin Aday,
But I said I would sooner change my name to Meatloaf because I eat a hundred burgers a day;
I was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and I took it for three hundred quid,
I was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie,
But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;
 
VERSE 2
 
But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose,
So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce;
And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well,
But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain,
Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.
 
CHORUS
 
And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes,
Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums,
And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes,
So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon;
But I’ve been eating so much since the early seventies, inflating like a balloon……
 
FINALE
 
So now I’m fatter than hell,
And now my stomach has swelled,
And my bladder as well.
 
Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS:  like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented),
Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS:  like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented).
And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!

A Dreadful Journey Home From Bali, Via Jakarta, Bangkok & Abu Dhabi, Worthy Of Complaint, “Courtesy” Of Garuda Indonesia, 12 & 13 December 1993

…but then…

The grueling experience that was the journey home from this wonderful holiday is well documented in my letters of complaint (which follow).

My main beef was the diabolical service and poor hygiene on the replacement plane, especially the Jakarta to Bangkok leg, plus the constant “goal-post moving” in terms of what we were told about the timing of when we’d get back to Heathrow…not the fact that a scheduled plane was delayed due to a technical problem.

Connoisseurs of complaint letters, dissembling responses to complaint letters and follow up complaints complaining about the dissembling responses as well as the original complaint…

…might enjoy these.

My Original Complaint Letter – 18 December 1993.

Garuda’s First Response – 12 January 1994.

My Follow Up Complaint – Via Our Agent Kuoni – 22 January 1994

Garuda’s Second Dissembling Response – 27 January 1994

My Follow Up Letter Briefly Stating That I Really Mean It – 31 January 1994

Garuda Offer £70 If I Sign A Disclaimer (But Not An NDA) – 11 February 1994

Garuda Apologise…For Their Delayed (Apparently – Seemed Quick Enough To Me) Remittance Of My Cheque, But Not For The Flight Shambles That Led To My Complaint – 2 March 1994

I do recall a friend of mine, familiar with airlines from being “in the business”, reporting that Garuda Indonesia was known in the trade at that time simply as “Ruder”, in honour of it’s infamous service ethos.

My only other strong memory of this matter – absent from the complaint but vivid in my memory – was Janie’s ability to sleep on hard plastic chairs in bright lighting and with large noisy tour groups marching back and forth past our seats at Jakarta airport. No-one other than Janie in out unfortunate collection of passengers got a wink of sleep in those circumstances. I also recall some of the other passengers finding Janie’s ability to just curl up and sleep that way very amusing.

Before…
…after?

China, Hong Kong & Bali Trip – Lazy Days By Pool & Splendid Meals, 10 to 12 December 1993

10th December – Lazy day by pool. Rose quite early. Swam etc. Took brave approach to sun for most of day – afternoon went down to shopping centre and walked back through Nusa Dua market – bought several gifts & goodies for ourselves – took some more sun / swam and then prepared to go out for our Babi Guleng which was wonderful but far too much for two – we ended up sharing our meal with other diners and the restaurant staff. Also tasted turtle which was good.

Well, we had been warned a couple of nights before that babi guling, which is a whole suckling pig, was a feast for several people, not just two people. Still, it was fun sharing it with other eager diners and the restaurant staff. I don’t in truth remember the turtle. Janie probably thought it tasted like chicken and I probably didn’t. I suspect that it isn’t the done thing to eat it any more, if indeed it was still the done thing in 1993.

11th December – Lazy day by pool – late start again. Took much sun and swimming. Had some lunch by pool & took canoes out in afternoon. Janie did most of the packing & then we went to seafood restaurant in evening for lobster/prawns. Fairly early night. (I finished Wilderness of Mirrors 10th & started London Fields 11th).

I don’t think the canoeing was a great success, but nor was it a disaster in those tranquil waters.

The nice musician in the restaurant gave me a chance to try his traditional Balinese bamboo instrument, known as rindik.

12 December – I rose early – getting deep into London Fields – we went to Galleria to sort out boarding passes etc. – then went down the pool for final few hours of sunning, swimming, barbecue lunch & last of the amazing sol ice cream milkshakes…

…Left for home 4:00 pm and spent several irritating hours delayed at Jakarta

OMG that flight home with Garuda Indonesia is another story – which I’ll write up at some point. Let’s leave this story with me and Janie by the pool and on the beach.

All the photos we took on those three days – by which I mean all 22 photos – can be seen in raw form in the Flickr album below:

CB_1993_I3_ (22)

The Origins Of Ged & Daisy, Bali, c10 December 1993

At some point during our stay in Bali, in December 1993, Ged and Daisy “arrived”.

In fact, the first of our characters to arrive were The Clanricardes – Hugo, who is the Marquis of Clanricarde and his wife, Celia, the Marchioness. Lord & Lady C seemed to find the heat and the dust of the tropics terribly, terribly tiresome. They were barely able to find the energy to call upon the servants to do their bidding for them…not that there was much bidding to do, given that they were all on holiday in a hotel.

The Clanricarde’s servants, Ged and Daisy, emerged towards the end of our stay in Bali. Sweet and simple both, Ged and Daisy are a very willing pair…although perhaps more willing towards each other than towards Lord & Lady C. In truth, Ged and Daisy turned out to be quite bolshy towards The Clanricardes, somehow ensuring that the choicest privileges accrued to themselves, while Lord & Lady C had to make do with the lesser pickings.

Ged and Daisy, perennially 20 years old, remained pretty much a private matter for many years…

…until my involvement started with the Middlesex Till We Die website, around 2004, when I decided that Ged should represent my less serious side as a web presence. 

Writing under Ged’s name was also supposed to help keep my genuine identity a mystery to most people around Lord’s and Middlesex. But it is hard to be a nom de plume laden, international man of mystery, when someone like Vinny Codrington, the Chief Executive of Middlesex at the time, would holler, “hello Ged” at the top of his voice whenever he saw me. 

Then when Facebook came along, it seemed to make sense as a medium for keeping in touch with younger people, such as the nephews and nieces (remember when Facebook was for younger people?), so it only seemed right in those early days for their Facebook friends to be similarly young and less obviously their uncle.

As a budding writer, the “20 year old Ged” needed an image which, in the tradition of writers’ images, was taken a few years earlier. Hence this “16 going on 17” image, which became Ged Ladd’s avatar.

On Facebook, for many years, Ged seemed able to remain 20 on-line in the same way as he remained 20 by assertion in the real world.  In 2007, when Ged started on Facebook, he claimed to have been born in 1987. For several years, on his birthday, he rolled his birth date forward a year, so he remained 20.  Facebook would ask the occasional “are you sure?” type question, but would always allow the roll…until 2014, when Facebook refused to allow Ged to roll forward the year. An error message solemnly decreed that Ged Ladd had changed his birth year at least three times and that he needed to write an explanation to Facebook Central to get permission if he wanted to change the year again.

So Ged’s Facebook birth year has remained 1993 since 2013. How did those Facebook people know that the character Ged Ladd really was “born”, in 1993. Those Facebook algorithms must be truly remarkable.

Subsequently, of course, Ged’s Facebook presence has fallen into decline. It is mostly on cricket websites such as King Cricket and such places that the nom de plume Ged Ladd persists.

Meanwhile the sugary icons that are Ged and Daisy (see top photo and again below) entered our lives atop my birthday cake in 2012 and certainly represent what is left of the sweet side of our natures, 25 years on and counting.