This is one of the numbers I wrote for show Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

Mike Ward ended up writing a lot of business for the Lou Ferrari character desperately trying to upstage everyone else and get a slot in the show for his solo. Here is the lyric.

 I ALWAYS HURT THE ONES I CON

(Song to the Tune of “You Always Hurt the Ones You Love”)

 

LUIGI FERRARI – SOLO

 

VERSE 1

 

I always hurt the ones I con,

The ones I shouldn’t shaft at all;

I always take the greenest jerks,

And fleece ’em ‘til they’ve got naff all.

I always trick the desperate souls,

With a hasty scam I can’t recall;

So if I took your shirt last night,

It’s because I stuffed you most of all.

 

VERSE 2

 

I always stiff, the refugees,

Although I shouldn’t cheat and lie;

I always dupe the feeble toads,

Who are the weakest link, goodbye.

I always make the biggest bucks,

With a hasty hoax or quick disguise;

So if I skinned your hide last night,

It’s because I’m the most evil guy.

Here is a video of Paul Anka singing You Always Hurt The One You Love:

I’ve always liked the Spike Jones version of that song. Strangely, I found a vid with George Bettinger lip-synching the Spike Jones version. Coincidentally it has the Casablanca poster as a background. How weird is that?: