LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
OCTOBER to NOVEMBER 1995 RUNDear Fraser & Jez
Welcome!! It was good to meet you last night. I really did think the show was the best opening night I had seen for ages, despite the lack of my songs. I feel really badly that you got no starter pack from me last week but no-one told me you were due to start – the last run only had 5 weeks and normally the runs have six. This starter pack consists of all previously unperformed songs.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Keep it up and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape Aprox. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
louis farrakhan-can/orpheus in the underworld / offenbach New
william shakespeare’s ragtime show/alexander’s ragtime band / bessie smith New
star spangled old school tie/star spangled banner / some awful troupe New
handing over hong kong/rama lama ding dong / rocky sharpe and the replays New
rip it off/roll with it / oasis New
greenpeace/greensleeves/NO RECORDING – SORRY New
Author: Ian Louis Harris
Louis Farrakhan-Can, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 October 1995
Louis Farrakhan, somewhat controversially, visited the UK in the autumn of 1995.
I wrote a song and dance to accompany this news story. Several performers told me that it was extremely challenging to perform. But perform it they did and it was truly wonderful to see. Far better as a spectacle than as a piece of writing, but sadly only the writing survives.
Still, the writing, along with your imagination, should be good enough; this is one of my best comedy pieces, in my humble opinion.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN-CAN
(To the Tune of “The Can-Can”)VERSE 1
Mr Louis Farrakhan is from The Nation of Islam,
He’s not calm, sounds alarm and cannot be described as charming;
Permanently angry and his standards set you up to fail,
Lest you are by chance a Muslim who is straight and black and male.What a bigot, (that remark is not PC),
He’s a fat git (not his fault that he’s portly);
What’s a faggot? (ball of meat in rich gravy),
He does rabbit on and on and on and on and on and on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnn….CHORUS 1
(That damned) Louis Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, (he is a loony)
Farrakhan, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, that’s Farrakhan;
(He’s) non-Jewish and intensely shrewish with invective poo-ish as a pan (that’s full of sewage)
He’s the man, Louis Farrakhan-can, who is one to ban-ban soon, or else he’ll slander you.VERSE 2
Mr Louis Farrakhan his gob is totally massive,
He makes Ian Paisley come across as calm and wholly passive
Rants and raves excessively, he don’t like homosexuals,
Sensual fe-ma-les, liberals, Israel’s, sensible victuals, Papal bulls, all he ever talks is ballssss…..
CHORUS 2(That damned) Louis Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, (he is a loony)
Farrakhan, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan;OUTRO COMMENCES
He is a loony and his name is Farrakhan,
These lines repeat but do not always seem to scan.
So let us rant and rave excessively like Louis Farrakhan,
And pack as many words per second as the human larynx can.CODA
His name is Louis Farrakhan, he is a loony Farrakhan;
Thank God, it’s the coda
Cos he is, he is THE END!!!!!!!
The video below (with far more people than NewsRevue’s cast of four) will give you some idea about the tune (the main theme and coda) and some of the choreography involved. I recall one NewsRevue cast forming some sort of a human pyramid…
The following French TV version, which you can see on YouTube – click here – has some of the more extreme dance moves.
William Shakespeare’s Ragtime Show, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 October 1995
I’m not too sure what this lyric was about – presumably some sort of jazz fundraiser for the nascent Globe back then. Hardly big news and I don’t think this lyric made the NewsRevue show.
Shame really, it has some good lines. I might try to revive it as a performance piece of my own for my baroq-ulele.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S RAGTIME SHOW
(To the Tune of “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”)
VERSE 1Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show;
Come on and see, come on and see,
It’s the best show in the Globe.You can corpse at comedy or you’ll learn from history,
Close the play with carnage if the show’s a tragedy;
This card’s the best bard by a yard, at least that far.Come on along, come on along,
As You Like It, Much Ado;
Come on along, come on along,
Henry Four Parts One and Two;
And if you wanna see that Julius Caesar play set rag style,
Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.VERSE 2
Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show,
Come on and hear, come on and hear,
Sing a rag hey nonny no.With a funny sense of rhyme, called iambic pantomime,
Make heroic speeches then go murder eight or nine,
This show is so Tarantino meets Sarajevo;Come on along, come on along,
Mix up twins then all marry,
Come on along, come on along,
Play a jazz soliloquy;
And if you want to hear “Hey Nonny Nonny” syncopated,OUTRO
Come on and hear, come on and hear,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime,
Little boys in drag time,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.
Here’s a YouTube of Louis Armstrong singing Alexander’s Ragtime Band:
Taking Sides by Ronald Harwood, Criterion Theatre, 7 October 1995
This was a West End transfer from the Chichester Festival, which had been so well received that even we set aside our West-End show scepticism to see it in Theatreland.
We weren’t disappointed. This was a very good production of a very good play. It is basically about the denazification investigation of the German conductor Wilhelm Furtwängler.
Michael Pennington & Daniel Massey played the lead roles, investigating officer major Arnold & Furtwängler respectively. Harold Pinter added yet more gravitas by directing it.
The Theatricalia entry for the play/production can be found here.
Michael Billlington really liked it when he saw it in Chichester that spring:
Billington taking Sides Tue, May 23, 1995 – 2 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Michael Coveney also liked it while comparing it with Absolute Hell:
Coveney on Taking Sides Sun, May 28, 1995 – 75 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Letter To Neil Watson, NewsRevue, 28 September 1995
Fellow writer Neil Watson directed in the autumn of 1995. Unusually no record of the submissions I made to him; perhaps we’d had a very specific conversation at the writers’ meeting.
Neil Watson 28 September 1995
(Hammersmith W6 address redacted)
Dear Neil
THAT STUFF I PROMISED YOU
I finally got round to printing out an up to date pack of songs for you. Obviously there are many others which could either be updated, revised or simply ignored. This pack represents the most likely lot.
Look forward to seeing you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
Encs.
Letter To Ben Murphy, Explaining The Internet 1995 Style, 28 September 1995
The Internet was a relatively new and/or mysterious thing to most people in 1995; heck I was still quite new to it.
Trying to explain it to Ben Murphy…
…I think “Tony Parse of the New Musical Netspress” must have been one of my noms de plume – if so, that piece should turn up on Ogblog soon enough.
Ben Murphy 28 September 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear BenDOSH / STUFF / STORMIN’ THE WORLD
Thanks for the dosh. I can start eating again so long as the distended stomach and rickets don’t prevent me from taking down the food.
I’m surprised to learn that you are feeling dry on parodies – try these for size. Hope you like them. You were going to send me an educational tape to bring my music knowledge up to date. Is that still a happening possibility?
I enclose the Info Highway Roadkill tape which I think is pretty good considering. I also include a rave review of the tape by Tony Parse of the New Musical Netspress. He is obviously one of our biggest fans and this review is whizzing all over the world electronically (via Usenet, part of the Internet) as we speak. It will soon also be on the World-Wide-Web (another part of the Internet).
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)
Encs.
Information Superfreebie, Promotional Material For Freebie Tape, 26 September 1995
Yes, the mysterious net journalist “Tony Parse” mentioned in one of my letters to Ben Murphy – click here – was of course one of my pseudonyms.
This is what he wrote, folks.
This very early attempt at e-commerce did generate a bit of “business” – I recall. Tom Rockwell shipped me a sort-of master tape, I would occasionally get an order and I’d fulfil it by spooling off a copy and posting it.
I did digitise that master tape, so in the fulness of time I’ll up the tracks. In the meantime, if anything plugged below really appeals to you, dear reader, comment or e-mail me a request and I’ll upload that particular track pronto.
INFORMATION SUPER FREEBIE
(Info Highway Roadkill – Unsigned bands from the rec.music.dementia newsgroup)
The Net is rarely a good source of new material. Most recordings of the “it’s free!! Just send a tape and the postage and it’s yours” variety are not worth the postage, let alone the tape, the snail mail and the hassle. And that’s if the recording shows up. So this freebie tape makes a refreshing change – a fun packed hour of comedy music and skits. Even more rarely, the tape even contains material from here in Blighty, but more of that later.
The album is the brainchild of a demented rapper, Tom Rockwell aka Devo Spice aka Sudden Death. Tom gathered his miscellany of mad music makers through the Usenet newsgroup rec.music.dementia which is the Dr Demento Show newsgroup and thus the Mecca for novelty and comedy recording fanatics.
All the least pleasant aspects of the human condition are here. Sudden Death’s own recordings are named “Masturbate”, “Everybody Dies” and “Do You Piss In The Shower?” respectively. The latter is the most satisfying, an astonishingly well rhymed and rhythmed rap. Their material is not for the faint hearted. Both of Li’l Hank’s pieces, “I Met Santa On The Internet” and “Freeloading” are outstanding. The “Santa” number is truly a Christmas number for the nineties. Santa makes the twelve year old singer/surfer’s wishes come true, but only for the one Christmas, as the kid feels obliged to shop Santa to the FBI once Santa propositions him. Cyberpop meets cyberporn. “Freeloading” is about someone we all know and wish we didn’t; the friend [sic] who comes to stay and turns into the sponger from hell.
Some items relate to American television and will be somewhat mysterious to the British audience, such as None Of The Above’s “Barney’s On Fire” and “Dr Grumpus”. However, “Little Bits O’ Blue” by the same band is an incitement to hatred and violence against Smurfs; this should ensure a solid and loyal following in Britain from now on. The minimalist acts, Headhunter Country (“I Really Like Potatoes”, “Crash Airlines”, “Grants Rant”) and Mr Zipp (“McDiver”, “Quantum Steep”, “McDiver Background Sound Effects”) also require some perseverance from the uninitiated, but that persistence is rewarded. In particular, “I Really Like Potatoes” by Headhunter Country and “McDiver” by Mr Zipp make you snigger second and third time round, such that you look forward to hearing them again. Only high grade comedy has that effect.
All three Neverley Brothers works are superb, entertaining folk/rock pastiche and parody, especially “Reactor” and “Stealin’ Dylan’s Door”. Do not play “Talkin’ Little Debbie Pie Blues” to your grandparents, and I mean it. “Born To Shop” by Guns ‘N’ Charoses is a well- crafted Springsteen parody; Allan Sherman meets Weird Al Yankovic in the shopping mall.
Which leaves our very own Ben Murphy. Ben’s performances and the work of arch-parodist Ian Harris need no introduction here in the UK, but are probably new to American audiences. This tape contains two of their classics; the venomous Michael Jackson send-up, “Better Face” and the widely performed generic romantic parody “The Ultimate Love Song”. These recordings alone must be worth the price of a tape and postage. E-mail tjr0868@rit.edu for further details and enjoy the most entertaining freebie of the year.
Tony Parse The New Musical Netspress, London, England.
Handing Over Hong Kong, Probably Unused NewsRevue Lyric, 25 September 1995
I don’t think this was used but I quite like it.
HANDING OVER HONG KONG
(To the Tune of “Rama Lama Ding Dong”)INTRO
Britain ran Hong Kong, Britain ran from Hong Kong;
Britain ran and then abandoned poor old Hong Kong,
Britain’s handing it to Deng Xiao Ping;
Britain ran and then abandoned poor old Hong Kong,
Britain’s handing it to Deng Xiao Ping;
(Repeat with) Ooo-ooohhh, ooo-ooohhh, ooo-ooo-o-o-o-o, ooo-ooo-o-o-o-o,
Ooo-ooo-o-o-o, oh oh oh ohVERSE 1
Our oriental port’s, offa China and its kinda known as Hong Kong;
They aren’t so good at sports, ‘sept at checkers and at Ma Jong and at Ping Pong;
We’ll never set them free until we choose our time.
Oh oh oh oh
In the year of the bull, off to China cos we’re handing over Hong Kong;
But Britain’s sorta full, stick with China cos you gotta stay in Hong Kong;
There’s no democracy, we’ve sold it down the line.
Bom bom bom bom bom bomMIDDLE EIGHT
We love oh how we love Kowloon,
But we’re going to sell the lease back soon;
One thing’s for certain, lets make it clear,
Its just the rich who will be coming here.VERSE 2
China has a leader named,
Ga-ga ga-ga ga-ga ga-ga ga-Deng Xiao Ping;
Senile and round the bend
Ga-ga ga-ga ga-ga ga-ga ga-Deng Xiao Ping;
He’ll never set them free, cos he’s out of his mind.
oh oh oh oh
China has a five year plan,
For a cult’ral revolution down in Hong Kong;
A great leap forward, man,
Soon Hong Kong will be a poorer part of Guangdong;
Major and Blair agree, the people’s fate’s been signed.
Ooo-ooohhh, ooo-ooohhh, ooo-ooo-oo-oo, ooo-ooo-oo-oo,
Immorally.
If you don’t know what Rama Lama Ding Dong sounds like (or what the lyrics look like, click on:
Curriculum Nursery Rhyme, NewsRevue Lyric, 19 September 1995
I don’t remember this one being used but I rather like it. Short and sweet.
CURRICULUM NURSERY RHYME
(To the Tune of “Alphabet Song/Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”)
INTROCome now children sing with me,
I must teach the ABC.VERSE 1
ABCDEFG,
HIJKLMNOP;
QRS,
TUV,
W and XY Zee (Zed).OUTRO
CHILDREN: Now you’ve taught the ABC,
You can run a state nursery;
TEACHER: And if you learn your 1 2 3,
You can go to Eton just like Prince Willie.
Here is the Alphabet Song with lyrics:
Star Spangled School Tie, NewsRevue Lyric, 19 September 1995
My “Old Boys” Lyric, which will be Ogblogged in the fullness of time, ran and ran and ran.
This one was an attempt to write something else on the subject. Didn’t work, I ended up tweaking “Old Boys” and it ran some more.
STAR SPANGLED OLD SCHOOL TIE
(To the Tune of “Star Spangled Banner”)VERSE
I say, can you see by the club’s faded light,
What so proudly we wear since the day we ceased schooling?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the commercial plight,
Copped us all the top jobs even if young and foolish.MIDDLE EIGHT
The school tie got us there,
Even young Tony Blaire,
Isn’t so much hot air,
So he sends his kids there.OUTRO
I say, does that spangled old school tie hold sway,
O’er the land of the free if they can afford to pay.
Here is the Star Spangled Banner, with lyrics: