Author: Ian Louis Harris

What this lyric lacks in subtlety it makes up for with…perhaps it doesn’t.

Pretty sure it was never used, although I like the sentiment and it is a good lyric, I feel.

LOTTARIA
(To the Tune of “Rockaria”)

INTRO 1 – THE DIVA

I’m imploring the lottery,
The opera house needs all your cash.

VERSES

Just got back from the Covent Garden,
Where the Opera House won pots,
And the staff’s already startin’,
To spend it;
Yeh yeh yeh they can spend it,
Eighty million they’ll spend it,
And a bunch of toffs get plusher seats.

Big chubby lady sings like a songbird,
So she’ll milk the Opera House for all it is worth,
Cos she’s greedy,
Yeh yeh yeh she is greedy,
Loadsamoney she’s greedy,
So fat that she takes up three seats.

MIDDLE EIGHT

She’d cheat on Wagner,
I think she’d lie for Beethoven,
She loves the way Pucchini is compromised,
And Verdi’s always bleeding subsidised.

INTRO 2 – DIVA AGAIN

I need ten thousand instantly,
Won’t leave my bed for any less.

OUTRO

And so we’re forking out for opera instead of other things,
And this subsidy ain’t over after the fat lady sings,
And the orchestra can fiddle their expenses if they choose,
And the weak and sick and homeless are again the ones to lose,
And as the stars get richer Diva’s also put on weight,
And its only hooray henries think that opera grants are great,
Cos she’s an opera singer taking home a load of dosh,
And the lottery priorities are such a load of tosh,
Cos the third world’s starving.

Here is Rockaria by ELO, with its lyrics on the screen:

The Web was pretty new, changing rapidly all the time and only just starting to become a big thing in 1995.

I wrote several versions of this lyric – the first in August, the other two in November. I think Version 2 is the best so I am showing it first. I think this got a fair old run in the show, hence the upgrading.

Prescient lyric, I’d call it. Prescient.

SURF THE INTERNET – NOW UPGRADED!! – VERSION 2

(To the Tune of “Surfin’ USA”)

VERSE 1

If everybody had a modem and PC to connect,
Then everybody’d be surfin’ across the Internet;
You bet their wearing their shell suits, and baggy anoraks,
And greasy, smelly, streaked hair-dos,
Surf the Internet.

CHORUS 1

They’ll all be surfin’ in Cambridge, {CHORUS: inside jargon Internet}
And up in Milton Keynes; {CHORUS: Gopher and Kermit the Internet}
The latest wheeze for accountants, {CHORUS: Birdshit and Dogspoo the Internet}
Instead of counting beans; {CHORUS: just made up some crap on the Internet}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: Website analysis the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: Virtual paralysis….}
ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’
On the Internet.

VERSE 2

We’ll all be planning out a Web, with Netscape front, no doubt,
We’re waxing down our Barbours although we never go out;
Upgrading our hardware for Windows ’95,
And if we didn’t send you e-mail, you wouldn’t know we’re still alive.

CHORUS 2

They’ll all be surfin’ in Oxford, {CHORUS: inside jargon Internet}
And down in Basingstoke; {CHORUS: Gopher and Kermit the Internet}
Better key in a smiley, {CHORUS: Birdshit and Dogspoo the Internet}
So readers know its a joke;-) {CHORUS: just made up some crap on the Internet}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: Website analysis the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: Virtual paralysis….}
Everybody’s gone surfin’ on the Internet.
BTW surfin’ across the Internet,
IMO they’re surfin’ on the Internet,
FYI we’re surfin’ on the Internet,
TTFN surfin’, surf the Internet.

Here are the Beach Boys singing Surfin’ USA, with lyrics:

For completist collectors of my lyrics, here are the other two versions of this lyric – you can pick’n’mix if you wish.

Version One:

SURF THE INTERNET
(To the Tune of “Surfin’ USA”)

VERSE 1

If everybody had a modem and PC to connect,
Then everybody’d be surfin’ across the Internet;
You bet their wearing their shell suits, and baggy anoraks,
And greasy, smelly, streaked hair-dos,
Surf the Internet.

CHORUS 1

They’ll all be surfin’ in Cambridge, {CHORUS: inside jargon Internet}
And up in Milton Keynes; {CHORUS: Gopher and Kermit the Internet}
The latest wheeze for accountants, {CHORUS: Birdshit and Dogspoo the Internet}
Instead of counting beans; {CHORUS: just made up some crap on the Internet}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: Website analysis the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: Virtual paralysis….}
ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’
On the Internet.

VERSE 2

We’ll all be planning out a Web, with Netscape front, no doubt,
We’re waxing down our Barbours although we never go out;
We’re all into the jargon, and smiley epithets,
BTW surfin’ across the Internet,
IMO they’re surfin’ on the Internet,
FYI we’re surfin’ on the Internet,
TTFN surfin’, surf the Internet.

Version Three:

SURF THE INTERNET – NOW UPGRADED FOR WINDOWS 95!!
(To the Tune of “Surfin’ USA”)
VERSE 1

If everybody had a modem and PC to connect,
Then everybody’d be surfin’ across the Internet;
You bet their wearing their shell suits, and baggy anoraks,
And greasy, smelly, streaked hair-dos,
Surf the Internet.

CHORUS 1

They’ll all be surfin’ in Cambridge, {CHORUS: let’s all go surf the Internet}
And up in Milton Keynes; {CHORUS: jargon and stuff on the Internet}
The latest wheeze for accountants, {CHORUS: what’s it all worth on the Internet?}
Instead of counting beans; {CHORUS: how ‘ja’ kill a smurf on the Internet?}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: meet lots of Yanks on the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: porn for your wanks, hmmmm ……..}
ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’
On the Internet.

VERSE 2

We’ll all be planning out a Web, and dreaming of Sandra Bullock’s,
We’re loading up new software, Netscape’s a load of bollocks;
Upgrading our hardware for Windows ’95,
And if we didn’t send you e-mail, you wouldn’t know we’re still alive.

CHORUS 2

They’ll all be surfin’ in Oxford, {CHORUS: let’s all go surf the Internet}
And down in Basingstoke; {CHORUS: jargon and stuff on the Internet}
Better key in a smiley, {CHORUS: what’s it all worth on the Internet?}
So readers know its a joke;-) {CHORUS: how ‘ja’ kill a smurf on the Internet?}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: meet lots of Yanks on the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: porn for your wanks….hmmmm}
Everybody’s gone surfin’ on the Internet.
BTW surfin’ across the Internet,
IMO they’re surfin’ on the Internet,
FYI we’re surfin’ on the Internet,
TTFN surfin’, surf the Internet.

This material is a bit all over the place – I have a feeling it was not submitted in this form but a holding pen waiting for some other material and a bit of mix and match. Other medleys had done well for me that year.

I did submit the Star Spangled School Tie separately at one point. I quite like the Al Gore short.

SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP MEDLEY
(To various US and UK patriotic tunes)
LAND OF HOPELESS TORIES
(To the tune of “Land of Hope and Glory”)

Land of hopeless Tories,
Mother of all teams;
How can we extol thee,
Who art born for greed?
Wider still and wider gulf twixt poor and rich,
God who made John Major can’t you make him less kitsch,
God who made Mag Thatcher, can’t you silence the bitch?

AL GORE’S BODY
(To the tune of “John Brown’s Body”)

Al Gores body stands a-sweating in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands perspiring in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands a-sweltering in his suit,
And it is a Gucci one.
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
In a Fiarucci thong.

RULE NEWT GINGRICH
(To the tune of “Rule Britannia”)

While Clinton never never never toked or poked,
Newt Gi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ingrich was acquiring the right wing vote,
In order to so gently shake Bill by the throat;
This was for starters, as violence stormed the land,
And Guardian A-a-a-angels steamed the train.
Rule Newt Gingrich,
He thinks he rules the States,
Newt and Clinton never never shall be mates.

STAR SPANGLED OLD SCHOOL TIE
(To the tune of “Star Spangled Banner”)

I say, can you see by the club’s faded light,
What so proudly we wear since the day we ceased schooling?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the commercial plight,
Copped us all the top jobs even if young and foolish.
The school tie got us there,
Even young Tony Blaire,
Isn’t so much hot air,
So he sends his kids there.
I say, does that spangled old school tie hold sway,
O’er the land of the free if they can afford to pay.

SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
(To the tune of “God Save Our Gracious Queen” and/or “God Save America”)

BRITS: Special relationship,
YANKS United Nations quip,
BRITS: Lend us some dosh.
YANKS: You’ve had your Marshall aid,
BRITS: Come on, you’ll be repaid,
ALL (indicating towards the nuptial couple) This couple’s wanting to get……home,
While the rest get sloshed.

The Al Gore snippet reminds me of (was probably inspired by) Allan Sherman’s wonderful “The Ballad of Harry Lewis”:

Here also is a slightly different version of that medley page, designed as a solo:

N SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP MEDLEY N
(To various US and UK patriotic tunes)
LAND OF HOPELESS TORIES
(To the tune of “Land of Hope and Glory”)

Land of hopeless Tories, mother of all teams;
How can we extol thee, who art born for greed?
Wider still and wider gulf twixt poor and rich,
God who made John Major can’t you make him less kitsch,
God who made Mag Thatcher, can’t you silence the bitch?

AL GORE’S BODY
(To the tune of “John Brown’s Body”)

Al Gores body stands a-sweating in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands perspiring in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands a-sweltering in his suit, and it is a Gucci one.
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper, in a Fiarucci thong.

RULE NEWT GINGRICH
(To the tune of “Rule Britannia”)

While Clinton never never never toked or poked,
Newt Gi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ingrich was acquiring the right wing vote,
In order to so gently shake Bill by the throat;
This was for starters, as violence stormed the land,
And Guardian A-a-a-angels steamed the train.
Rule Newt Gingrich, he thinks he rules the States,
Newt and Clinton never never shall be mates.

STAR SPANGLED OLD SCHOOL TIE
(To the tune of “Star Spangled Banner”)

I say, can you see by the club’s faded light,
What so proudly we wear since the day we ceased schooling?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the commercial plight,
Copped us all the top jobs even if young and foolish.
The school tie got us there,
Even young Tony Blaire,
Isn’t so much hot air,
So he sends his kids there.
I say, does that spangled old school tie hold sway,
O’er the land of the free if they can afford to pay.