I rated this “good” but frankly I rated it higher than Janie did. I have always been partial to a bit of Joe Orton, while Janie finds the farce element of Orton’s plays not to her taste.
This production pushed my Orton boundaries somewhat as Phyllida Lloyd certainly accentuated the farce aspect.
Sometimes I tweaked and resubmitted lyrics because the song was being used and needed updating. Sometimes I tweaked in an attempt to get a song used. This was the latter. Unsuccessfully, I am pretty sure. July version below the vid.
WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry: the Nolans.
CHORUS 1
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
We do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
We’ve all been caught out today.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood;
Rafting rafting,
We’re also crude;
Shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed,
Die laughing.
CHORUS 2
We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
With cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
We’ve even ripped off this song.
(Enter policeman)
POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?
NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)
POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.
(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)
POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me entrance fee to the Masons.
Below are my tweaked July 1995 lyrics:
WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry into standards in public life: the Nolans.
CHORUS 1
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-h-h-ooh-ooh,
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
Oooh – we do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
Oooh – we’ve all been caught out today.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood, Tories, rack up director’s pay;
Oooh – shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed, lately, so underneath the carpet this must stay.
CHORUS 2
We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
Oooh – with cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
But you’ll never find, backshish that’s gone;
But MP’s don’t mind, we’ve even ripped off this song.
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh…………
(Enter policeman)
POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?
NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)
POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.
(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)
POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me admission fee to the local Masonic lodge.
It fails rather a lot of PC tests on rereading; race, sex, socio-economic group…oh dear.
I do still like the fake rhyme with Kharach-ee. That made me smile.
MATCHWINNER, MATCHWINNER
(To the Tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”)
MRS GOLDSMITH: Matchmaker, matchmaker make her a match,
Find one who’s rich, and up to scratch,
Stockbroker, fundstrader, someone with spunk,
Jemima would like to hatch.
JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, you are my match,
You, Imran Khan, came on my patch;
Matchwinner matchwinner, though you may come,
From Pakistan’s town Kharach…..
MRS GOLDSMITH: (…ee) Jemima make him a scholar,
JEMIMA: But scholars say that we should not wed;
MRS GOLDSMITH: Perhaps I can bake him a challa, (pronounced with a germanic “ch” followed by “olar” as in “scholar”)
JEMIMA: My Imran don’t dig on that kind of bread.
JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, crickets your game,
If we have sons, they’ll have your name;
And play for England if they choose the same,
BOTH: So paparazzi,
Muse on this truth,
Jemima might be,
One English youth,
Who’s able to hold her catch.
Here is Matchmaker Matchmaker from the film of Fiddler:
I was really excited at the opportunity to see this play, which had not been performed in England before. I’ve been a fan of Max Frisch’s writing ever since performing in Andorra when I was at Alleyn’s:
An unusual opportunity to see a premier at The Questor’s Theatre, with Janie & The Duchess (Janie’s mum).
I liked this production, rating it “good” in my log. I recall the play being quite tricky and probably a challenge too far for The Questor’s.
The conceit of the piece – a behavioural researcher is given the opportunity to return to any point in his life and change the decisions he made – is intriguing and “very Frisch”.
Returning to 1995, I am pretty sure that the arrangement will have been “the usual” – i.e. The Duchess supplied The Questor’s tickets, Janie bought the interval drinks and I will have paid for dinner at Wine and Moussaka. That arrangement was decreed to be “fair” by The Duchess; who were we humble little folk to disagree with that?
But what if I could return to 1995 and make such decisions over again…?
I don’t think Ben recorded either of my suggestions from this letter; he might have used one or both live.
I might try “Hanging Around” on the baritone ukulele; I still love that song.
Ben Murphy 14 May 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
THAT TAPE / THOSE TAPES
I enclose a tape with the Free Nelson Mandela song on it for your greatest hits. I still think it should be short and sharp:
Thirty one years in captivity,
In most unholy matrimony,
Are you so blind that you cannot see,
That she’s so fat she can hardly breathe;
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie,
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie).
etc.
I have also taped Hanging Around by Lou Reed which I think you could do really well “straight” – see what you think.
Those back catalogue tapes arrived towards the end of last week; ten of each, many thanks. I can now fulfil the transatlantic sample orders – don’t hold your breath. There were no inlay cards with the tapes, which is a bit of a shame. Is that because there are none left or just an oversight? If you have any left, please send them to me ASAP as I do think presentation helps, especially with our US friends.
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)
Enc.
If you have an urge to hear and see the lyrics to Free Nelson Mandela:
…and if you cannot resist the urge to hear Hanging Around by Lou Reed:
It was about astronauts, their lives, moon shots & stuff. I found it interesting but it didn’t work as drama for me. Janie was less interested in the subject matter but quite enjoyed the play in the round. (Did you see what I did there?).
Paul Godfrey wrote and directed it. It might have been tighter if he had let another director tweak and interpret a bit.
The following quickie formed part of a medley – well in the end several different medleys, but initially a VE Day Labour medley – click here.
But I’m writing this up today, 20 March 2017, on Vera Lynn’s 100th birthday.
It is strange re-reading this quickie today.
At the time, 1995, when Vera Lynn was a sprightly 78 year old, I think it was funny and it certainly went down very well. It was used/reused many times in NewsRevue – the VE Day and general 50th anniversary of the war ending stories ran and ran in the news and this was ideal material for that.
But now that Vera Lynn is 100, the song no longer has the same humour to it. Usually the passage of time makes material easier to laugh about, but in this case, the passage of time has the opposite effect.
Still, imagine the 50th anniversary of VE day; imagine wall-to-wall Vera Lynn on the radio and TV and you should still get the jokes.
Wheel Vera Lynn, out again, what a din,
Yes they’ll wheel out Vera Lynn despite her years;
Keeps crooning through, although she’s ninety two,
But they wheel out Vera Lynn to raise the tears.
That Vera still bangs the drum, for a six figure sum,
She will sing you a song;
You’ll be moved and be charmed, even ‘tho’ she’s embalmed
And her talent’s all gone.
Wheel Vera Lynn, out again, what a din,
And they’ll wheel out Vera Lynn each fifty years.
Ben Murphy used it on one of his albums – a wonderful rendition at the end of a medley, which included my VE Day Labour Medley – click here – and some of his own material.
I credited this VE Day celebrations medley to “cast” as well as me, so I must have spent some time consulting with the cast over their wishes. In my view, this was mostly padding for the Wheel Vera Lynn song – click here or below.
VOICEOVER: And now we join another relic of a byegone era: one of the many street parties celebrating VE Day.
THE STREET PARTIES OF DOVER (To the tune of “The White Cliffs of Dover”)
There’ll be no Krauts over, The white cliffs of Dover, Cos they’re not invited to VE; There’ll be Frogs and Yankees, And street parties, frankly, We’re all bored with this Jubilee.
SPAM FRITTERS SPAM (To the tune of “Run Rabbit Run”)
Spam fritters, spam fritters, spam, spam, spam, This VE day stuff’s a sham, sham, sham; Bang, bang, bang, that war nostalgia drum, And stuff powdered egg in your tum, tum, tum.
WE’LL HAVE TUMMY ACHE TOMORROW (To the tune of “It’s a Lovely Day Tomorrow”)
We’ll have tummy ache tomorrow, Tomorrow all our guts will drag; There’ll be pancrititis and gastro-enteritis, Tomorrow we’ll have urine bags.
The Ben Murphy medley adapts the above material so much I think we can only claim it to have been “inspired by”, but he does a great job with the VE Labour items – click here for the Ogblog of those and of course Wheel Vera Lynn.
In case there’s anyone who doesn’t recognise the original numbers, here are some YouTubes with lyrics.
Strangely, the following year I re-presented the medley 1 May 1996 as a 1996 local election remix – it is marked Version 2 but I cannot see much if any the difference:
LABOUR DAY – LOCAL ELECTIONS 1996 REMIX (A medley to various World War Two tunes)
IN THE LOCAL COUNCIL POLLS (To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)
There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square, In the polls, in the polls; There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where, In the local council polls. My eyes are dim I cannot see, A single Tory victory, I can’t see one Tory victory.
EASE UP GORDON BROWN (To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)
Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown, Labour councils won the rout, Chucked a load of Tories out; All you do is grimace, All you do is frown, Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up, Ease up Gordon Brown.
ROLL OUT THE TORIES (To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)
Roll out the Tories, See what the Tories have done; Roll out the Tories, We’ve got those Blues on the run; Read lots of stories, About their former careers; Its sex and cash and arms with Tories, But now it’s Labour’s year!!
Then 29 June 1997, I wrote another “variant”, barely distinguishable from the first version:
LABOUR DAY – 1997 ELECTION REMIX (A medley to various World War Two tunes)
IN THE OLD OPINION POLLS (To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)
There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square, In the polls, in the polls; There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where, In the old opinion polls. My eyes are dim I cannot see, A single Tory victory, I can’t see one Tory victory.
EASE UP GORDON BROWN (To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)
Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown, Labour party’s done the rout, Chucked the bleedin’ Tories out; All you do is grimace, All you do is frown, Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up, Ease up Gordon Brown.
ROLL OUT THE TORIES (To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)
Roll out the Tories, See what the Tories have done; Roll out the Tories, We’ve got those Blues on the run; Read lots of stories, About their former careers; Its sex and cash and arms with Tories, But now New Labour’s here!!
I must have been very confident that Labour was going to rout the Tories in the 1995 local elections. I wrote the following medley two weeks before polling day (4 May 1995) and didn’t change a word afterwards.
This stuff ran for months in the show and I think might well have made it to Edinburgh and Christmas special status too.
VE (VICTORY IN ELECTIONS) DAY MEDLEY – LOCAL ELECTIONS
(A medley to various World War Two tunes)
VOICEOVER: And now we go across to Walworth Road in Southwark where the Labour party are holding a street party to celebrate VE Day (Victory in Elections Day)
IN THE LOCAL COUNCIL POLLS
(To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)
There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square,
In the polls, in the polls;
There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where,
In the local council polls.
My eyes are dim I cannot see,
A single Tory victory,
I can’t see one Tory victory.
EASE UP GORDON BROWN
(To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)
Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown,
Labour councils won the rout,
Chucked a load of Tories out;
All you do is grimace,
All you do is frown,
Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up,
Ease up Gordon Brown.
ROLL OUT THE TORIES
(To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)
Roll out the Tories,
See what the Tories have done;
Roll out the Tories,
We’ve got those Blues on the run;
Read lots of stories,
About their former careers;
Its sex and cash and arms with Tories,
But now it’s Labour’s year!!
Ben Murphy recorded the above medley, along with some of his own material and including a wonderful version of the Wheel Vera Lynn song:
Just in case any Ogblog readers are unfamiliar with the original words and tunes for these Second World War classics, here are some YouTube links:
Be patient with Roll Out The Barrel: the song/lyrics don’t appear until about 1:20 into the following recording.
Billington on What the Butler Sat, Mar 4, 1995 – 28 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Coveney on What the Butler Sun, Mar 5, 1995 – 79 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
