Prince Charles and Princess Diana chose to send Prince William to Eton. I chose to write this lyric.
I don’t recall it being used, but it is a quicky and my memory ain’t what it was.
Postscript: my 26 November 1995 submission letter shows this one having been used for 4-6 weeks previously, so I must have slightly tweaked the lyric then but it had been used. My cata-log shows me completing this lyric originally 19 September 1995. So there.
ETON
(To the Tune of “Beat It”)
VERSE 1
WILLIE: They tell me that I am as thick as pig shit,
Don’t ever go to Eton cos you’ll never fit;
But every boy round here is an upper class twit,
At Eton, at Eton.
WILLIE: You see the truth is no-one cares if you’re daft,
As long as you don’t mind the cannings and the graft,
And learn to shake your pals very warmly by the shaft,
At Eton, I just want to be bad
CHORUS 1
WILLIE: At Eton,
CHARLES:: Eton,
DIANA: Eton,
CHARLES: Eton,
DIANA: Rugger and fags and beatin’;
CHARLES: They’ll whip your buttocks raw to the bone,
But Eton’s more genteel than Gordonstone,
OUTRO
(Willie is being caned by Charles and Diana during the outro)
I don’t recall this one being used, but I think it was good enough. One of those perennial scares about health.
THE PILL IS SAFE
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)
INTRO
Hello, you third generation pill, you.
VERSE 1
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row coming on;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
It always makes the autumn fun;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.
MIDDLE EIGHT
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.
VERSE 2
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now the whole of London’s using caps and condoms;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.
VERSE 3
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`
Here is the Big Bopper’s version of Chantilly Lace:
I updated the lyric 22 April 1996:
THE PILL IS SAFE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)
INTRO
Hello, you third generation pill, you.
VERSE 1
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row we all see;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
Just like we did with BSE;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.
MIDDLE EIGHT
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.
VERSE 2
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now there’s less precaution and there’s more abortion;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.
VERSE 3
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`
…in my log and I do remember this play/production well.
I hadn’t especially been looking forward to it. I do like generally Potter’s work but I wasn’t sure about his take on this subject. Janie having the hots for Joseph Fiennes pretty much sealed the deal for us to book it.
Janie’s diary (see above) confirms how we flew out from Heathrow to Istanbul on 8 November and had arranged to be met at the airport and taken to our first hotel, the Sokullu Paşa Hotel.
It also shows that we booked a flight to Izmir lunchtime 11 November, with the Avis desk awaiting us there.
Our flights back to Heathrow on 18 November were 10:00 Izmir to Istanbul, then 13:45 to Heathrow arriving London at 16:00 GMT.
We had not arranged any accommodation for the Izmir week; we were playing it by ear on a fly-drive holiday. Seems fair enough in November, frankly.
Part of our purpose was to see Ros Elliot (who lived/lives near Izmir) and her plans were a bit up in the air, so booking ourselves up ahead of time would have been a bit daft.
Bodrum‘s a beautiful coastal town and of course we made sure we had time to stroll the town in the morning before heading back in the direction of Izmir to meet up with Ros Elliott at the end of our trip.
Bodrum Castle by dayWithin the castle
On our way out of Bodrum we encountered some scallywags who showed us their school.
I cannot remember exactly where we stayed that last night but I am pretty sure that Ros lived in Kuşadası at that time, so I suspect it was on “that side” of Izmir, making it a convenient place for us to meet Ros and get to Izmir airport reasonably early the next day.
Update: Ros remembers that Janie and I stayed at the Ege University Hospital Hotel, which was brand new at the time and was happy to take guests unconnected with the University or the hospital. According to Ros, the place remains open to all comers. It was very conveniently located for our purposes…
…except that, as Ros recalls, we found it surprisingly difficult to find a suitable restaurant in that Bornova district of Izmir.
Still, Janie and I do remember having a very pleasant meal with Ros and finding it very interesting to “swap notes” with her; us as tourist visitors while she had already been living in Turkey for a few years by then.
Ros said we had seen an awful lot in just a few days and she was right. Looking back on the pace at which we took that road trip, while I can believe we used to tour like that I wouldn’t dream of arranging such an itinerary in so few days any more!
Towards the end of the meal, “Mystic Ros” read our coffee grounds in the Turkish style…and I tried to reciprocate.
We’d had a great time.
All the pictures from that holiday (just one or two from this leg of the journey are not shown in this piece) can be viewed on Flickr – click here or below.
We had a lovely morning stroll around Fethiye, taking in the beauty and quaintness of the place. The above photo is but one example. As is the one below.
Trendy Marmaris
Then we drove on to the trendy town of Marmaris, where we wee able to enjoy some lunch out of doors and also were able to wander around, trying to look trendy ourselves.
Daisy looks so trendyBest head towards Bodrum if we want to get there before dark!
Then on to Bodrum, where we stayed for the night. After dinner…
… we took a stroll around and just about managed to get a night shot of the castle.
We vowed to return the next day to take a daytime picture of the castle. Did we succeed? Tune in for the next and last episode.
All the pictures from that holiday (just one or two from this leg of the journey are not shown in this piece) can be viewed on Flickr – click here or below.
Not yet sated with antiquities, we diverted to Aphrodisias ahead of driving to Fethiye for a bit of seaside towards the end of our trip.
We popped in to the Aphrodisias Museum before touring the siteYou can just make out a tiny me in the theatre (above) and the odeum (below)The ruined temple at Aphrodisias (above) and gymnasium (below)
The highlight of Aphrodisias, for me, was the exceptionally well-preserved stadium – see picture below and headline picture.
Janie was probably a bit “antiquitied -out” by the time we got to Aphrodisias, but that was OK because we were done with antiquities for this holiday. It was seaside from then on.
We hit the road from Aphrodisias to Fethiye
We weren’t going to make the same “arrive after dark mistake again and got to Fethiye in good time.
We found a comfortable, simple place to stay and an equally comfortable, simple place to eat tasty Turkish grub.
You can probably tell from these pictures that Fethiye – indeed the whole of that Aegean coast, was not exactly busy in November.
All the pictures from that holiday (just one or two from Aphrodisias and Fethiye are not shown in this piece) can be viewed on Flickr – click here or below.
Writing more than 25 years later, I sense that Pamukkale has changed and become more resort/touristic than it was when we visited.
We stayed in a motel named The Palmyra Motel, I think at Ros’s recommendation.
The rooms in the Palmyra hotel had balconies onto pools of Pamukkale spa water
We enjoyed the facilities in our motel and also went into the centre of town to enjoy the sights…
…and even a swim amongst the Pamukkale ruins; something visitors were allowed to do for a small fee (paid to the Pamukkale Hotel) in those days.
This would not go down well with the health and safety brigade these days, I fearThe view from our motel into Pamukkale town
This was a memorable part of this holiday. We wished that we had allowed two nights at that motel to allow time to wallow in the views and wallow in the spa.
A rather unconvincing wooden Trojan Horse monument at Troy
We knew we were in for a long drive from Çanakkale to Pamukkale that day, but still wanted to see Troy before setting off on the longest leg of our road trip.
Having been spoilt the previous few days…
In truth, after Ephesus and Pergamon the previous couple of days, Troy was rather a disappointment.
…the ruins of Troy didn’t really hack it for us. View from the fake Trojan Horse
Troy has been built, razed and rebuilt many times, possibly not always in exactly the same place. There’s not a lot to see and it all seemed a bit confused/confusing/unconvincing. The wooden horse thing depicted above was a particular source of my de4rision on the day.
Excavated bridge into on of the old city’s was probably the highlight
Then the long drive to Pamukkale. It was billed as being over six hours and my goodness that’s what it took. We shared the driving and/but needed the odd pit stop, so we were really quite nervous towards the end of the drive as we realised that we had failed to get to our destination before dark and would be driving the last 45 minutes or so in darkness.
But get there we did. I think Ros had recommended the place we stayed and by gosh that was relaxing and fun. But that’s for the next write up.
Daisy hadn’t much enjoyed doing the driving in those first couple of days; driving in and out of Izmir is not much fun and was traffic heavy almost all the time.
But when we set off from Izmir in the direction of Pergamon, we hit open road quite quickly…
…so Daisy took the opportunity to hit that road quickly – 90 to 100 kmph…
…until the speed cops flagged us down, about 5 minutes outside Izmir.
Although Janie was doing the driving, I thought best that I act as spokesperson for our team.
The police officer pointed at the speed sign, which read “70 km”. He tried to say “seventy kilometres an hour” in English.
Ah, I said, kilometres…not miles…
“Ingiliz”, said the officer to his mates, as if to confirm his theory. “Kilometres” he said to me, pointedly.
I thought we might get away with it, but he then promptly wrote out the above ticket and pointed to where I needed to go to settle the bill.
140,000.
That’s harsh. 140,000 just for speeding.
Then it dawned on me that there were 82,000 Turkish Lira to the £.
The fine was £1.70
I might have paid £1.70 for the beautiful certificate we were given as a souvenir.
Asclepon – the medical centre at PergamonPergamon TownThe Acropolis
After the stunning sights of Pergamon, we drove on to Çanakkale, keen to get there before dark.
We just about made it, although once we got to the town, we struggled to find one of the recommended hotels open. But we did find one that looked just fine; the Grand Anzac.
I recall we also managed to find a good meal in that charming coastal town.
