Ian Louis Harris

Anuradhapura And On To Sigiriya Village Hotel, Sri Lanka, 18 March 1995

Is nothing sacred?

So there we were, on a Kuoni tour around Sri Lanka.

Lucky us, in 1995, we were able to go as far north as the ancient city of Anuradhapura -it was often out of bounds for tourists in those troubled first few decades of Sri Lanka’s independence.

Long drive out to Anuradhapura, stopping at Kurunegala Rest House for rest and Miridiya Hotel for lunch – not bad.

Then round ancient city – Most of which severely ruins.

Sacred Botree temple highlight – 2000 year old tree – sapling of Buddha’s enlightenment tree.

Drove round park – many stupas (dagobas).

Drove on to Sigiriya Village Hotel – food mediocre – early night (even earlier start tomorrow).

Part One of our two-part photo album for this Sri lanka trip can be viewed through the flickr link below there are 69 photos therein:

01 17 March 1995 - Ornate Hindu Temple, ColomboSRI_I1 (16)

Real gluttons for photo punishment can see raw scans of all 430 photos we took unedited and unlabelled here:

Preamble To Our Trip And Travel To Sri Lanka, Arriving In Colombo, 16 & 17 March 1995

I have very few relics from this two-week holiday in Sri Lanka, apart from my trusty (though quite pithy) journal notes and quite a lot of photos, only the highlights from which have been put into an album.

No itinerary, for example, although I do have a contact list…

…and I can pretty much reconstruct the itinerary from my journal notes. It was a Kuoni tour. We had successfully used Kuoni for our previous far flung adventure, to China, Hong Kong and Bali:

This Sri Lanka trip was to be the last time we did one of these guided tour in a group things. We got a little frustrated with the regimented nature of the tour…

…and the difficulty/inability to really get to see places and meet local people on our own terms. Some of that sense of frustration will emerge from my verbatim transcription of my (at the time of writing, in early 2020) 25 years ago journal.

We must have left London reasonably early on 16th to arrive in Colombo early on 17th.

Arrive at Columbo only 40 minutes late – despite early two hour delay at Heathrow Terminal Four due to power cut.
Get to hotel early morning – everyone travel weary – therefore slept until afternoon.
Took optional tour round Columbo.
Not a very interesting city – saw municipal buildings, old colonial buildings etc.

Our guide, Barney, took us to the Galle Face Hotel at end of tour. He helped us to find recommended Seafood/fish restaurant where we tried hoppers, gambas, seer fish curry and Barney’s recommended tuna dish, ambul thiyal. Very good meal.
Early night for early start tomorrow

We weren’t staying at the Galle Face Hotel – it seems we were staying at the Lanka Oberoi Hotel (latterly known as the Cinnamon Grand). We just went for a butchers at the Galle Face.

Part One of our two-part photo album for this Sri lanka trip can be viewed through the flickr link below there are 69 photos therein:

Real gluttons for photo punishment can see raw scans of all 430 photos we took unedited and unlabelled here:

Hot Gas Export Subsidy, Letter To The BBC, 14 March 1995

No idea what I was driving at with this one, other than a small donation to Comic Relief. I had spent some time the previous year looking at EU export subsidy schemes, so perhaps I had some frustration to vent.

Farming Today 14 March 1995
New Subsidy/Comic Relief
BBC Broadcasting House
London
W1A 1AA
Dear Sirs

HOT GAS EXPORT SUBSIDY

The European Commission today announced a new subsidy relating to exports of compost. The value of the subsidy will be measured in ECU per cubic meter of gaseous product. The subsidy will be known colloquially as the “Hot Gas Export” subsidy.

A spokesman for the Commission explained “we suddenly realised that a Hot Gas Export subsidy could be of enormous benefit to Europe and in particular the Commission. Indeed, if we set the level of subsidy high enough, the Commission itself will immediately become economically sustainable or possibly even very profitable.”

The spokesman continued, “We appreciate that there may be some problems measuring the volume, value and destination of Hot Gas Export in order to substantiate each claim, but measurement problems have never stopped us before and certainly won’t stop us this time.”

The Commission spokesman then waffled on for a further three hours on the subject, producing vast quantities of hot air without really saying anything new. He then presented me with a Hot Gas Export subsidy claim for 159,000 ECU.

As a contribution towards this claim, I enclose a tenner for Comic Relief.

Yours faithfully
Ian Harris

enc.

Crap Tarrantino Man, NewsRevue and Ben Murphy Lyric, 12 March 1995

This did well in NewsRevue and Ben Murphy adapted it for his “edgy family show” in the west country.

The version below is date stamped November 1995, but it was first written in March. I certainly didn’t suggest that it was a new version, so changes, if any, must have been minimal.

CRAP TARANTINO MAN
(To the Tune of “Son of a Preacher Man”)

For audiences with a nervous disposition, all the expletives (in bold type) should be replaced with beeps

VERSE 1

Tarantino got bored a lot,
And so he made some schlock movies and swore a lot;
When his characters make conversation,
They never pass on information,
It’s just a cesspit of degradation,
Half the words should be deleted,
Cos they’re fucking shit expletives.

CHORUS 1

The only cunt who could use invectives,
Was that crap Tarantino man;
The only prick who makes fuck effective,
Is that crap Tarantino man.
‘Cos he says shit and suck and motherfuck;
The only one who makes foul-mouthed flickers,
Is that motherfucking bum Tarantino man,
He won’t use words like oh blast and knickers,
Cos they ain’t foul Tarantino style;
He just says prick and butt he should be cut…….

Ends suddenly!!!!

Here’s Dusty singing Son of a Preacher Man with lyrics on the vid:

…and here is Ben Murphy’s adapted version of my lyric.

New England by Richard Nelson, The Pit, 11 March 1995

We were spending a fair bit of time at The Pit in those days – our previous visit to the theatre was also to The Pit:

Easter by August Strindberg, The Pit, 25 February 1995

Haven’t been there for years – the RSC does so little modern stuff these days.

But back then they were packing The Pit with top notch names to act and direct, quite often in modern dramas.

New England was “superb” according to my log. Peter Gill directed it. Several really good names in it; David Burke, Angela Thorne, Mick Ford, Selina Cadell, Duncan Bell, Diana Hardcastle and Annie Corbier to be precise.

I also noted that:

Richard Nelson was in the audience that night for some reason, as it was well into the run.

Here is a link to the Theatricalia entry.

It transferred to New York later in 1995 with a different cast, getting this NYT notice. But I can’t find an on-line review for the version we saw.

It was superb – believe us…

…or believe this Michael Billington clipping:

Billington On New England Thu, Dec 1, 1994 – 35 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

…or this Michael Coveney clipping:

Michael Coveney On Out Of A House & New England Sun, Dec 4, 1994 – 77 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Letter To Ben Murphy, 7 March 1995

I’m not sure about signing myself off as Z/Ian. I think Ben must have been taking the piss out of our (then quite new) company name.

Ben Murphy 7 March 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben

YET MORE STUFF

I’ve tried to call you but you aren’t in. I enclose some new stuff – hope you like it. Still thinking about the other stuff for you.

How’s the tape coming along? Is the tape coming along? Do send those old tapes: I am still getting a trickle of interest from across the pond on the information superhighway.

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)

Encs.

Pot Night, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 March 1995

By March 1995 it was nearly five years since I’d had a TV in my flat. This rendered me suitably non-expert to opine on pretentious-sounding TV shows I’d never seen.

Especially disloyal of me, this one, as I was indirectly doing a bit of work for Channel 4 at that time.

I don’t think this lyric was used much, if at all, but it is short and sharp; I like it, especially the first verse.

POT NIGHT
(To the Tune of “Top Cat”)
VERSE 1

Pot Night;
The ineffectual,
Pot Night;
When intellectual,
Berks drone ever on Channel 4,
About their spliff back in ’64.
Pot Night,
Cos Channel 4 are so desperate to offend;
You’ll get eight hours of shit,
But you won’t get a hit,
So turn off, tune out,
Pot Night.

VERSE 2

Red Light;
The institution says,
Red Light;
For prostitution’s a-,
‘Nother ponderous Channel 4 theme,
Someone dreamed up in a wet dream.
Red Light,
It’s unbelievable but they’ve made it dull;
Bores on sex, bores on drugs,
Someone please pull the plug,
And show Channel 4
A Red Light!!

If you want to see the opening sequence, sing along yourself and see the Top Cat lyrics/music, then click the first vid. If you want to hear the original song sung, click the second. Well worth a look/listen at both:

Bye Bye Barings, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 February 1995

The collapse of Barings Bank at the hands of Nick Leeson was big news in 1995.

Naturally I gave it the NewsRevue treatment in song. I think this one was used and ran for some time.

BYE BYE BARINGS
(To the Tune of “Bye Bye Baby”)

INTRO

CHIEF EXEC: We’re very broad minded here at Barings, Mr Leeson, and we’ve been in the banking business for hundreds of years. So just calmly explain to me this little bit of difficulty you’ve got into in Singapore.
LEESON: If you hate me after what I say – can’t put it off any longer – just gotta tell you anyway….

CHORUS & VERSE 1

Bye bye Barings, Barings goodbye, {bye Barings, Barings bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye Barings, you’ve lost a pile; {bye Barings, Barings bye bye};

LEESON: You’re the one merchant bank I’ve worked for,
Now the press call me “wanker” “berk” for free,
You’re all blaming me -ee-ee-ee.
CHIEF EXEC: You’re our top trading Singaporer,
You screwed up and now we’re all poorer
LEESON: I got trust so you went bust – oh dear!

CHORUS & VERSE 2

Bye bye Barings, Barings goodbye, {bye Barings, Barings bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye Barings, went out in style; {bye Barings, Barings bye bye};

LEESON: Thought derivatives would be daring,
CHIEF EXEC: What a balls up! We’re now “Ball Barings” see!
We’re here on page three, (holds up Sun)
LEESON: Is that me?
I just bought a few put swap options,
Can I repay through my wage deductions?
CHIEF EXEC: This event means we’re all spent so

CHORUS 3

Bye bye banking, banking goodbye, {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, no longer wise; {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, banking goodbye, {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, it’s no surprise; {bye banking, banking bye bye}.

Either: exeunt singing the above, or: music stops

CHIEF EXEC: Leeson, you’re a profligate, spendthrift and you know how to line your own pockets using options. You’re promoted. Welcome to the board.
LEESON: Thank you very much sir. Blackout

Originally by the Four Seasons, but the Bay City Rollers version is better known in the UK.

Bloody Arrows, NewsRevue Lyric, Probably Unused, 26 February 1995

Not especially topical then (or now) but I rather like this lyric, not least for its excellent fit with the tune it likes to use. I even made myself laugh out loud briefly when testing the first chorus.

BLOODY ARROWS
(To the Tune of “Little Arrows”)
VERSE 1

There’s a board, a little board,
With some wire and numbers too,
These darts must appeal to someone,
But the question is: to who?
And you see there’s no escape,
Cos on your late night TV sports,
You’ll see big fat gits play arrows,
With their pints as big as quarts.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Here they come pouring out of the loo,
With their trousers all size 52;
They’re on the oche again!
On the oche again!

CHORUS 1

You get arrows on Granada,
You get arrows Channel 4;
On Sky Sports you get arrows till you can’t watch any more;
You get arrows on the BBC repeated time again,
Video them arrows accidentally every now and then.

Wha-a-at a pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CHORUS 2

Bloody arrows on the telly,
Bloody arrows, here’s the rub;
You’ll still get bloody arrows if you go off down the pub;
And they rope you into playing even if your blind and lame,
Cos them pricks you get with arrows are a bloody awful pain.

Here’s the Leapy Lee version, with lyrics set out underneath the vid if you click through:

Rugby Love, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 February 1995

I’ve never much liked rugby and in this lyric I gave the sport the treatment.

But I don’t think this lyric ever made the NewsRevue cut.

RUGBY LOVE
(To the Tune of “Puppy Love”)

(The player/singer should be as heavily bandaged and crutch-ridden as scene change time will allow)

VERSE 1

And they call it rugby love,
Oh I guess you’ll never know;
Why I’m face down in the mud,
In the winter rain and snow.

VERSE 2

Yes, they call it rugby love,
Just because we’re such a team;
If I crush you with my studs,
Its just the way I let off steam.

MIDDLE EIGHT

I cry each night,
But I’m tough as nails, right?
Like the nails in my limbs for to pin.
I hope and I pray,
I heal and can play,
At the one {at the one}
Sport sometimes {sport sometimes}
England win {play the one sport sometimes England win}.

VERSE 3

Someone help me, help me, help me please,
I got crushed bad in the scrum;
When some bastard grabbed my ball,
And some prick squashed up my bum.
{Yes some prick squashed up his bum}.

VERSE 4

Someone help me, help me, help me please,
Is the answer up above? (Chorus holds a sign over his head which reads “Testosterone Kid”, “Lunatic”, “Woofter” or anything else that might raise a laugh)
When I’m rucking with my team,
It is not a rugby love.
{It is not a rugby love}.

Here’s Donny on YouTube, with the lyrics in the text underneath if you load it in YouTube proper:

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