Author: Ian Louis Harris

Stand By Norman, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 March 1993

Well, I wrote far better lyrics about Norman Lamont – not least this pre-NewsRevue one…

Norman Lamont, Topical Lyric, 17 January 1992

…and the following, from after his demise, which is undoubtedly my favourite:

Norman The Chancellor, Topical Lyric, 30 May 1993

But while Lamont’s gig as Chancellor hung in the balance, I wrote this lyric – which I am pretty sure didn’t make the cut.

I can’t think of a lyric to this tune without thinking of Ivan Shakespeare’s wonderful piece: “Sometimes it’s hard to be a new man…Stand by your flan…” – a true classic.

STAND BY NORMAN

(To the Tune of “Stand By Your Man”)

 

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR 

Sometimes it’s hard to be the PM,

Giving all your trust to just one man;

I have a wrecker,

In the exchequer,

Doing things that no-one understands.

 

VERSE 2 – STILL JOHN MAJOR

But as I’m desperate I’ll forgive him,

Even though the pound’s gone down the pan;

Wherever we go,

He fuels my ego,

Cos I look smart beside Norman.

 

CHORUS 1 – OF SUBTLE DOUBTERS

Stand by Norman,

Give him a rope to cling to,

Just hope he doesn’t hang you,

When you’re back is turned for moments.

 

CHORUS 2 – OF LESS SUBTLE DOUBTERS

Stamp on Norman,

And show the world we’re changing,

We want less mouse and need more man,

Stamp on Norman.

Here is Tammy Wynette singing Stand By Your Man with the lyrics popping up on the screen:

If that one doesn’t work, try this one:

…and a link to these lyrics.

Grunge Clobber Wearer, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 27 March 1993

I’d completely forgotten about this lyric. I’m sure NewsRevue didn’t use it but it certainly has party piece potential – especially as the tune, Guantanamera, is in my baritone-uke repertoire.

I especially like the spoken bit, emulating Pete Seeger’s delivery.

GRUNGE CLOBBER WEARER

(A Song with singalong potential to the Tune of Guantanamera”)

 

INTRO

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

 

VERSE 1

She wears an old green sombrero,

She bought for three quid at Oxfam,

It don’t match her blue bolero,

And she’s a bright yellow socks fan.

None of her gear ever matches

She’s a thing of shreds and patches.

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

 

VERSE 2

She dons an old baggy cardie,

And V-neck jumper that mum made,

Mum used to knit clothes so hardy,

That they would last several decades.

She decks her bright baggy flare-as,

Or loon pants under her hipsters.

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

 

SPOKEN BIT

The words mean:

She is much poorer now and can’t afford designer clothing any more,

But she is not crying, because she can now wear old tat and call it fashion.

Her cut outs are soft green.  Her cut outs are also flaming crimson.

Her cut outs resemble the output of an old age home occupational therapy unit.

The last verse says: “This fashion is insincerer”:

With the poor people of this earth she wishes to share her fashion statement.

But once she’s making pots of money again, she’ll go back into the boutiques.

 

OUTRO

Sing along now: Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

(Once more: Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.)

Here is Pete Seeger giving it his all in a grunge clobber wearer shirt:

…and here is a link to those Guantanamera lyrics.

Will He Employ Me Tomorrow, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 March 1993

Unemployment was a big issue in 1993 – the gig economy hadn’t been invented for a start. Quite a lot of my lyrics related to the topic.

I was unsure whether or not this one was used, until I found this letter – click here.

It’s perhaps not the very best of them and is generic in nature. Some decent lines though and it seems it gre on me when I saw it performed.

WILL HE EMPLOY ME TOMORROW?

(To the Tune of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”)

VERSE 1

Each day I slog completely, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

To keep my boss repletely, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Tonight my fright may well be mortified, {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

Will he employ me tomorrow? {Will he employ you tomorrow?}

VERSE 2

This permanent employment, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Seems like transient deployment? {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Can I believe these are P45s. {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

He won’t employ me tomorrow. {He won’t employ you tomorrow}

MIDDLE BIT

For years with words unspoken,

I earned my pay by working hard;

But now my contract’s broken,

I’ve been sent {s/he’s been sent} to the knack- {to the knack-} ers yard.

VERSE 3

I’d like to hope that your boss, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Does not treat staff like old dross;{Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

So tell me now cos if you think he’s kind, {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

He may employ me tomorrow. {He may employ you tomorrow?}

I’ll crawl and plead if you don’t think he’ll mind, {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

Oh please employ me tomorrow? {Oh please employ him/her tomorrow?}

Here is an embedded vid of the Shirelles singing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” – and if you click through to YouTube on this link you can also read the lyrics:

Submission To Michael Ereira’s NewsRevue April To May 1993 Run, 23 March 1993

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING

MICHAEL EREIRA APRIL- MAY 1993 RUN

 

         

  Song Title

 Original Title/

Artist on Tape

 Aprox. No. of Performances
   7+ 4-6   1-3 New/Nil
top of the pops uk economy special golden brown/stranglers

jilted john/jilted john

 y
better face heal the world/michael jackson y
zaire of the brat year of the cat/al stewart y
if i had a ….. if i had a hammer/trini lopez y
wake ye up signore amato wake me up before you go go/wham y
designer delilah/tom jones y
slobidan’s army oliver’s army/elvis costello y
i don’t care ’bout my baby take good care of my baby/bobby vee y
my genitalia my generation/who y
don’t leave me this space dont leave me this way/harold melvin & bluenotes

dont leave me this way/thelma houston

 y
side b
i got bacon i got rhythm/happenings y
mushrooms under my skin i’ve got you under my skin/frank sinatra y
fair weather friend you’ve got a friend/carole king y
mating a bull with a heffer stairway to heaven/led zeppelin y
standing in the dole queue lambeth walk/no recording sorry y
marje proops high hopes/no recording sorry y
several quickies recordings of some of these available on request if you need them y

 

Saigon Rose by David Edgar, Orange Tree Room, 20 March 1993

Saigon Rose announcementSaigon Rose announcement Mon, Mar 1, 1993 – 26 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

The “programme” – or rather the single sheet of printed A4 you tended to get at the Orange Tree Room – went missing for this show, which is a shame.

It was one of three plays we went to see in that room above the Orange Tree Pub, which they kept going as a second venue for a while but stopped using I think later that year.

This was Janie’s and my first visit to The Orange Tree together…my first visit there full stop.

I was thrilled to encounter Ian Angus Wilkie in that cast. He had been in the cast of NewsRevue late spring the previous year and had been one of the first professional performers to perform one of my lyrics.

California Here I Go, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 April 1992

Chris Stanton still speaks of Ian Angus Wilkie as one of the best comedy actors with whom he has ever worked.

Despite the antiquity of this visit, I can find two reviews on-line:

Because there are no other resources, I have scraped the above pieces, for just  in case; Ian’s – click here...or Sarah’s – click here,

I cannot reconstruct the whole cast and creatives list, but we can ascertain that the cast included:

  • Michael Higgs;
  • Henrietta Garden;
  • Mairéad Carty;
  • Ian Angus Wilkie.

Rachel Kavanaugh directed.

I remember really liking this play and the production and really liking The Orange Tree Room. It reminded me a bit of The Gate, a small fringe venue of which I was already fond.

Did they really make more money turning that prime space into hotel rooms?…

…no need to answer that question.

Orlando, Not Viv…I Think, 19 March 1993

Both our diaries say we went to Janie;s friend and former colleague Viv’s place for dinner, but Janie’s diary also has some temporally confounding stuff in it:

7.30 Viv dinner. 6.00 Ian for dinner.

Orlando at 7.00 (film start 7.10)

[then Viv’s Temple Fortune address, redacted for this purpose]

From memory, this scheduled evening at Viv’s was postponed, perhaps more than once, owing to Gray (Viv’s partner) being indisposed. Busy chap was Gray – I think we were supposed to have dinner with him quite a few times but only actually did so a couple of times.

Anyway, I do recall going to see Orlando with Janie very soon after it opened in the UK. Janie was very keen to see it.

Here is a link to the IMDb entry for Orlando.

Below is the movie trailer.

I remember we both found the film baffling.

Looking at the trailer a quarter of a century later, there is a lot of LGBT+? stuff in there and a lot of Fleabag-like knowing looks to the camera.

Perhaps it would make more sense to us seeing that movie now? Or perhaps not.

She Ain’t Heavy, She’s Bulimic, NewsRevue Lyric, 15 March 1993

Writing 25 years later, this piece seems in extraordinarily bad taste.

Not only did the death of Princess Diana transform her overnight from being a valid butt of jokes to being more or less untouchable with comedy…

…but in any case I suspect that any jokes about bulimia would be considered poor taste now.

Back in the 1990s though, this quickie often had the audience in raptures – it ran and ran. That’s what sick humour can do.

Here’s the quickie lyric – short and not at all sweet:

SHE AIN’T HEAVY, SHE’S BULIMIC

(Sickie Quickie to the Tune of “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”)

The colon’s long,

With many a winding turn;

The dinners that you prepare,

Should get there.

But the food,

Isn’t staying down at all;

She ain’t heavy,

She’s bulimic.

In May of that year, I paired the lyric with a short sketch, thus:

EATING DISORDERS

(A quickie sketch plus quickie song)

NOSH AND THROW

VIDAL:Hello.  My name’s Vidal Sassoon; and I’ve always been a great admirer of this scrawny cow.

DIANA:My name’s Princess Di; and Vidal Sassoon makes me throw up.

VIDAL:Still. Business is business.  So putting our differences aside, we’ve developed this wonderful new calorie controlled diet.

(Holds up sample)

It’s called “Nosh……

DIANA:…..and Throw”.

SHE AIN’T HEAVY, SHE’S BULIMIC

(Sickie Quickie to the Tune of “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”)

The colon’s long,

With many a winding turn;

The dinners that you prepare,

Should get there.

But the food,

Isn’t staying down at all;

She ain’t heavy,

She’s bulimic.

The lyric was sometimes paired as above, sometimes with other sketches or skits that made it seem more topical, but it ran in the show on and off for years.

Here is another version of the lyric from April 1995 with a story about the then Lady Althorp, Di’s sister-in-law, who apparently was also bulimic.

EATING DISORDERS – LADY ALTHORPE REMIX
(A quickie sketch plus quickie song)

KEEP IT IN THE FAMILY

INTERVIEWER: Lady Althorpe, do eating disorders run in your family?

LADY A: No, but noses run in our family.

INTERVIEWER: That is an extremely old joke, Lady Althorpe.

LADY A: I know, but you can’t keep a good joke down.

INTERVIEWER: I see. And of course, you can’t keep a good meal down either.

SHE AIN’T HEAVY, SHE’S BULIMIC
(Sickie Quickie to the Tune of “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”)

The colon’s long,
With many a winding turn;
The dinners that you prepare,
Should get there.

But the food,
Isn’t staying down at all;
She ain’t heavy,
She’s bulimic.

OUTRO

LADY A: That’s really sick humour, you know.

INTERVIEWER: I know.

Below is a vid showing the Hollies performing “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”:

This link – click here – will show you the Hollies lyrics.

Wake Ye Up Signore Amato, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 8 March 1993

My lean run of form was to come to an end after this one – a week later I wrote a corker – but this lyric, like the several that preceded it, was missing the mark for the show.

Writing in March 2018, I realise that the notion of Italian politics being in a total mess is always topical and therefore (in a way) never topical.

WAKE YE UP SIGNORE AMATO

 (To the Tune of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go”)

 

Lines to be sung correspondingly by the corrupt and the law enforcers.  Yehs, yehs to be provided by yourselves.

 

VERSE 1

Corrupting Italy, reacting bitterly, corrupting Italy, reacting bitterly

You put the kickback into my hand,

They’re on the make down Naples and up in Milan;

Corruption spreading the land,

A state of pay that Ancient Romans would understand.

Di Pietro, he’s no fool,

With his metro-politan rules;

This skulduggery we know ain’t right,

You’ve made a buggery and Italy is in the shite.

 

CHORUS 1

Wake ye up Signore Amato, else your government must departo,

Wake ye up Signore Amato, don’t want to miss it when you nail that heist;

On the make with lots of Dagos, Eyetie Government’s move we prego,

On the make with lots of Dagos, take me grafting tonight,

I wanna get that bribe, yeh yeh yeh.

 

VERSE 2

You took the job from Bettino Craxi,

He’s on a graft charge now he spends all day in the Jacksy;

You tried to keep your voce sotto,

You’re in a worse mess than Canal Cafe Risotto.

Watch the English say we’re daft,

They distinguish us for our graft;

They’ll be laughing, so effetely,

Greasy palming, English just do more discretely (absurd Masonic handshakes).

 

CHORUS 2

Shake them up Signore Amato, or the crowds’ll throw you ripe tomatoes,

Shake them up Signore Amato, don’t want to miss it when you nail that bribe;

Shake them up before you go broke, Or the Eyeties’ll want a new bloke,

Shake them up before you go broke, or this is election year,

Like almost every year.

Below is a vid of Wham singing Wake Me Up Before You Go Go – to read the lyrics too you need to click through to the vid here instead:

I Got Bacon, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 6 March 1993

Another one that I don’t think was used, although I rather like this one.

The US troops dropped some inappropriate stuff in an attempt to provide relief to/for the Bosnian Muslims.

I think I covered the matter with subtlety and grace.

I GOT BACON

(To the Tune of “I Got Rhythm”)

 

INTRO – US TROOP

In this fast and troubled world,

We sometimes lose our crates;

Of food intended for,

Muslims in Bosnia.

Do do do do do do do do

 

VERSE 1 – BOSNIAN MUSLIMS, RUMMAGING THROUGH CRATES

I got bacon,

I got pork chops,

I got crackling,

Who could ask for anything more?

I got matzos,

Kosher bagels,

Hebrew prayer books,

Will they send us anything more?

 

MIDDLE BIT 1 – US TROOP

Old man Clinton, sent the poor food,

We dropped more food,

In the Serb village next door.

 

VERSE 2 – BACK TO BOSNIAN MUSLIMS, RUMMAGING THROUGH CRATES

I got books by,

Salman Rushdie, (rubs head)

Heavy reading,

Will those jerks send anything more?

 

MIDDLE BIT 2 – A BOSNIAN MUSLIM

Old man Clinton, please deny us,

Don’t supply us,

With this weighty crap no more.

 

VERSE 3 – BOSNIAN MUSLIMS

I got headaches,

Crate hit my bonce,

I’ve concussion,

Can’t remember anything more,

Can’t remember anything more.

(Silence – exit stage looking confused and bemused)

Below is The Happenings version of I Got Rhythm on vid:

Click here for the lyrics for the above vid.

Kim & Micky Dine At Mine, 6 March 1993

I’m pretty sure this was the evening that I cooked a chinese meal at my flat for Kim, Micky & Janie, only to discover that Kim’s at that time seemingly liberal vegetarian attitudes…

…she was veggie but didn’t at that time go on about it to others…

…had limits.

One of those limits was the sight of a whole animal; in this case a fish.

One of my specialities in those days was to steam a whole fish with ginger, spring onion, using a fair slurp of saki in the steaming water and a dash of soy sauce and coriander to garnish.

Yum.

CantoneseSteamedfish

So after serving starters; probably my signature won ton soup for most of us and something well-chosen and veggie for Kim…

…I’d have probably put quite a lot of thought into the veggie options for Kim that evening…

…I then served the mains including my piece de resistance, the fish.

All hell broke loose. Kim felt sick. Kim couldn’t believe that we could eat that. Kim was upset.

Janie, who knew Kim really well was surprised at that reaction…

…but then realised that she had never served anything that looked quite so “original form animal” as a whole fish. Somehow big prawns didn’t seem to have the same effect.

Anyway, i/we never did that again when Kim was coming round.