Author: Ian Louis Harris

I’ve Mushrooms Under My Skin, Lyric For NewsRevue and/or Frank Sinatra, 21 November 1992

Harold Davison was, by this time, taking some of my lyrics back to the states with him and showing them to his friends.

Harold told me that Frank Sinatra would enjoy a parody lyric to the tune “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”, as that song was a personal favourite of Frank’s.

Never one to waste an opportunity to double or treble up, my mind turned to the recent Fergie & Johnny Byrne royal toe-sucking scandal and to the profession of my new squeeze, Janie, in the hope that the same song might strike NewsRevue gold.

It didn’t strike NewsRevue gold, although Janie really liked it.

Harold told me that Frank thought the lyric was funny, but I think that if Frank had actually sung it at a smoker or a party, Harold would have told me about it.

I’VE MUSHROOMS UNDER MY SKIN

(To the Tune of “I’ve Got You Under My Skin”)

 

SPOKEN INTRO

This song is dedicated to all the unfortunate people out there whose health problem prevents them from enjoying the most trendy erotic pleasures.  I mean of course, those blighted with the dreaded fungus, athletes foot.

 

VERSE 1

I’ve mushrooms under my skin,

I’ve mildew deep in the arch of feet;

So deep in my arch they really enlarge my feet,

I’ve mushrooms under my skin.

 

VERSE 2

 

You’ve got me on the Mycin,

You’ve got me deep in chiropody;

So deep is your cut it’s really podiatry,

You’ve got me on the Mycin.

 

MIDDLE BIT

I crave for a tender pedal caress,

From a former actress or ex Duchess;

For there’s love afoot with sensuousness,

When my mate,

Osculates,

On my toe.

 

CLIMAX

Even priests confess,

It isn’t a sin;

To want to bed you for,

An oral pedicure.

 

But each time you do,

The sight of mildew,

Makes you stop before you begin,

Cos I’ve mushrooms under my skin.

(And I like nudes under my shin.)

Here’s a vid of “Ole Blue Eyes” singing that Cole Porter song:

…and a link to the lyrics of I’ve Got You Under My Skin – here.

 

Dinner With “The Back Knack Team”, 20 November 1992

I had for some time wanted to invite for dinner the folks who had helped put my back together again after my disc catastrophe in 1990. The advent of Janie (we were some three months in to our relationship by then), Janet Hill’s announcement that she and Mary were planning to return to Perth (Western Australia) and a convenient date when Janie was in any case going to be in town nearby come Friday dinner time, proved to be suitable triggers.

The back knack team, as in: “those who dined that evening with me and Janie”, were:

  • Michael Durtnall – chiropractor extraordinaire;
  • Claire Durtnall – Michael’s charming and lovely wife;
  • Janet Hill – the first rate masseuse Michael suggested to me and with whom I had been working for a couple of years (more on that anon);
  • Mary – Janet’s partner.

I took the day off work (I had bags of accumulated holiday some of which was reaching “use it or lose it proportions”) and probably cooked up a storm of Chinese food.

We didn’t take food porn photos in those days – we only rarely took “here we all are around the table” photos…

…so here is someone else’s food porn photo of wontons that look decidedly like my ones.

Wontons, CC BY-SA 3.0

I think I probably did the “whole fish” thing and perhaps chicken with cashew nuts or similar. Possibly I did the cha chiang lettuce wrap dish too – I tended to do mine with minced veal or a mixture of pork and veal.

Stuff like that, it would have been.

Janie and I both remember a very convivial evening…

…as does Michael Durtnall, although he did admit that he couldn’t remember Janet and Mary being at my flat that evening.

Let’s see if we can track down Janet and retrieve her memories of the evening. She’ll probably also remember the very first time she massaged me (indeed the very first time I had been massaged) and her surprise, after my unhelpful reaction to just about everything she did, when I made a second appoitnment. I still have regular theraputic massage, Janet; thanks for taking the trouble to “break me in”.

My First Letter To Ben Murphy, 20 November 1992

I’m not sure how I missed this one on my first electronic pass, as I do have an electronic copy of the letter. I’m guessing that Harriet must have given Ben my phone number.

The first of much too-ing and fro-ing with Ben, who was an Irish comedy performer based in the South-West. Here is a link to the tag showing all of my interactions with him posted so far.

I mention the White House song – I wonder what the other one was?:


                                                           20 November 1992
 
Dear Ben,
 
Thank you for calling me yesterday regarding my lyrics.  I enjoyed talking with you about them. 
 
I enclose the two songs you requested.  The White House song I have slightly revamped for you into a solo version.  (I also enclose the original duo version for your information).
 
As we agreed, these two songs are £10 each for you to try, plus a further £15 each should you decide to use them as a regular feature in your live show.  As we discussed, this agreement covers live performance only and is non-exclusive. 
 
Should you wish to use the material for other purposes (e.g. broadcast, publication or recording) we would need to discuss terms.  Please note that in most of these circumstances you would also need permission from the publishers of the music.  I imagine that your agents would be able to help you with these arrangements should the need arise.
 
I understand that you are performing in London in the near future and that some of the News Revue crowd are planning to see your show.  I shall try to make myself available for that trip.
 
I shall give some thought to the styles that we discussed on the phone and may have a go at writing some lyrics along those lines.  By all means get in touch if you think of anything else you want.
 
I look forward to hearing from you and meeting you soon.  Thank you once again for your interest in my material.
 
Yours sincerely

White House, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 November 1992

This lyric is dated as above, so I must have written it soon after Bill Clinton was confirmed as President, but it didn’t get used until Mark Bowden’s run in early 1993, which possibly makes sense as that was around about the time that the Clintons actually moved in to the White House.

I commented on Mark’s working of this song when I wrote to him the day after his run started – click here for that letter.

It seems just a little strange posting this lyric now, in 2016, just after Trump has beaten Hillary to the White House. I wasn’t all that sure about the Clintons the first time around, was I?

Janie really liked this one. Not least because it is based on Our House by Crosby Stills Nash and Young which she really likes – click here or below for YouTube with tune and original lyrics.

♬ WHITE HOUSE ♬

(A song for Bill and Hillary Clinton to the Tune of “Our House”)

VERSE 1

HILLARY:I’ll light the fire, you use the powers,

As the Governor of State;

BILL:Sittin’ by the fire, with Gennifer Flowers,

While the wife’s out working,

She’ll be earning,

Ten times more than me, ee, ee,

All legally, ee, ee.

 

VERSE 2

HILLARY:Deep in the South {BILL:Deep in the South}

With gravy, grits and gingham dresses,

God, Guns, Geeks and Goops;

BILL:Joint in my mouth,{HILLARY:Joint in his mouth}

I smoke my spliff without inhaling,

Voters bought it,

They must be e-ven more stoned than me, ee, ee,

Ill-legally, ee, ee;

 

CHORUS 1

BOTH:Our house, is a very very very fine house,

Electric chairs will shock,

In down town Little Rock,

We rednecks kicked the shit out of George Bush;

We say, (cocking a snook)

Na, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana,

(OptionalNa, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana);

 

CHORUS 2

BOTH:The White House, is a very very very fine house,

White marble on the floor,

This sure beats Arkansas,

Though everything is hicky since George Bush….

….moved out;

 

VERSE 3

HILLARY:I’ll light the fire,

BILL:While I wear the pointed hat,

And sheets that we bought to-day-ay-ay-ay-ay.

A Weekend In Bristol And Then Kensington, 13 to 15 November 1992

The diaries are light on detail, but I believe I was in Bristol on business Thursday/Friday and Janie spotted an opportunity to combine my presence in Bristol with a family visit.

Janie’s diary shows her only taking morning clients on the Friday and arrangements for taking the train to Bristol that afternoon.

Mine just shows the Thursday and Friday marked out “Bristol” and loads of scribbles about confectionary for some reason – something to do with someone wanting confectionary puns I think – plus “Jane” for the Saturday.

If I recall correctly, I was staying in The Royal, aka The Swallow Hotel on College Green. We might have stayed at Hilary & Chris’s place in their spare room on their Z-bed that time on the Friday night – I think we did that a couple of times before agreeing that we could afford our own privacy when we stayed.

Anyway, this was the first time I met the Boswell branch of Janie’s family; Hilary (big sis), Chris (husband) and kids Paul & Scott. The boys were still little-uns back then.

I think we came back on the Saturday evening and stayed at Sandall Close ahead of DJ’s birthday bash Sunday lunchtime at the Kensington Royal Garden Hotel. Not a huge crowd that time but I know that Kim, Micky, Clifford, Gary and Gary’s dad Harold Davison were there – this was the first time I met Harold and I wrote to him a week or so later.

We returned to that hotel for Sunday lunches several times – they did rather appealing themed Sunday lunches that worked well for groups. A sort of buffet dining that Janie and I have rather comprehensively rejected since, but at that time it wroekd well for that sort of gathering. Large tables, well spaced out and something for everyone…even Kim…on the menu!

A Weekend Without Janie By The Looks Of It, 6 to 8 November 1992

My diary shows me playing bridge with Daniel & Marianne on the Friday evening (probably also with Andrea).

Then it shows spending the day on Saturday with Michael Mainelli writing “Zen Things You Wanted To Know About Business”…which was the working title of the subsequent hit book Clean Business Cuisine...

…what do you mean, haven’t read it?

It’s as topical now as it was when it was written…

…it’s set c500 b.c.e. for goodness sake…

...read all about it here…

…or better still, buy it here.

Anyway, it looks as though Janie worked all day on the Saturday and there is no sign in the diaries of us seeing each other on the Sunday. There are some electronic signs of me working on my canon of NewsRevue material ahead of the Christmas run, that Sunday.

My First NewsRevue Christmas Run Submission, To Jacqui Somerville, 8 November 1992

This submission helps me to realise which of my songs (at least those that had a bit of longevity to them) had been in the show during that first year of writing for NewsRevue.

I think this might have been the first time I submitted a table-style note in this fashion along with a cassette and wad of lyrics. Perhaps Jacqui suggested same when we met a few week’s earlier.

The old WordPerfect table doesn’t replicate, sadly, but I have tweaked to show the information reasonably clearly, I hope.

I cannot remember which were used, but I think I had perhaps three songs in that Christmas run – not bad for a newbie.

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JACQUI SOMERVILLE (XMAS) RUN

Song Title/OriginalTitle/Artist on Tape Aprox. No. of Performances
7+ 4-6 1-3 Nil*

Side A of Tape

Coal Digger/Goldfinger/Shirley Bassey 1-3^
Closed to You / Close to You/Carpenters 4-6^
Kate Adie / Dream Lover/Bobby Darin 7+^
Ultimate Love Song / Nothings Gonna Change My Love/Glenn Medeiros 4-6^
Mama Mia Farrow / Mama Mia/Abba 1-3^
You Can’t Hurry Trusts / You can’t Hurry Love/Supremes 7+^
Snowbush / Snowbird/Anne Murray 1-3^
Mick’s Unpleasant Things / My Favourite Things/Sound of Music Cast 1-3
Coppers Dressed as Hippies Teddy Bear’s Picnic/Henry Hall 7+
Eugene Terre’Blanche Sweet Gene Vincent/Ian Dury & Blockheads 4-6
We’re a Member As Well I Remember it Well/Gigi Cast 4-6
Midnight Plane to Jordan Midnight Train to Georgia/Gladys Knight & Pips Nil
Snatchbroker Snatchbroker Matchmaker Matchmaker/Fiddler on the Roof Cast 1-3
Stand By Your Bank Stand By Your Man/Tammy Winette 1-3
Steroids I Just Don’t Know What To Do/Dusty Springfield 4-6

Side B of Tape

Come Back Labour / Come Back My Love/Darts 1-3
Trucker Strikes / Summer Loving/Grease Cast 1-3
Maxwell’s Wife / Mack the Knife/Louis Armstrong 1-3
You’ll Never Watch a Game / You’ll Never walk Alone/Gerry & Pacemakers 7+
Mrs T / I Will Survive/Gloria Gaynor 7+
John Major Rock / Crocodile Rock/Elton John 4-6
Norman Lamont / Norweigan Wood/Beatles 4-6
Bye Bye NHS / Bye Bye Love/Simon & Garfunkle 4-6
As Time Goes By (Sketch and Medley) Falling in Love Again/Techno Twins / Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree/Andrew Sisters
We’ll Meet Again/Vera Lynn / Rachmaninov Piano Concerto No 2 Mov 2 1-3^

* but should have been in by now.

^ still running in the show at the moment 8 November 1992

White House, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 November 1992

Bill Clinton was elected President and I felt motivated to write about it straight away for NewsRevue. This lyric did very well in the show; but not until early the following year when Mark Bowden and his troupe used it, when the Clinton’s actually entered the White House.

Writing exactly 25 years later, it is an interesting reminder that most of us weren’t too sure about Bill Clinton at the very start, although what would we give to have someone of his stature, albeit flawed, in the White House today…

…his wife, for example?

I didn’t know how to spell “Hillary” back then but I’ll cut and paste the lyric as I wrote it.

The writing log says 8 November 1992 but the electronic file reads 20 November, so I must have tweaked slightly – perhaps in response to it not being used immediately. 

One slight regret about this lyric is that it has rather messed up my perception of “Our House” by Crosby Stills Nash and Young. It is a simply superb song (enjoy the link below whether you know the song or not), but for a quarter of a century now, hearing it has relentlessly made Bill and Hillary Clinton pop into my head.

WHITE HOUSE

(A song for Bill and Hilary Clinton to the Tune of “Our House”)

 

VERSE 1

HILARY:I’ll light the fire, you use the powers,

As the Governor of State;

BILL:Sittin’ by the fire, with Gennifer Flowers,

While the wife’s out working,

She’ll be earning,

Ten times more than me, ee, ee,

All legally, ee, ee.

 

VERSE 2

HILARY:Deep in the South {BILL:Deep in the South}

With gravy, grits and gingham dresses,

God, Guns, Geeks and Goops;

BILL:Joint in my mouth,{HILARY:Joint in his mouth}

I smoke my spliff without inhaling,

Voters bought it,

They must be e-ven more stoned than me, ee, ee,

Ill-legally, ee, ee;

 

CHORUS 1

BOTH:Our house, is a very very very fine house,

Electric chairs will shock,

In down town Little Rock,

We rednecks kicked the shit out of George Bush;

We say, (cocking a snook)

Na, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana,

(OptionalNa, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana);

 

CHORUS 2

BOTH:The White House, is a very very very fine house,

White marble on the floor,

This sure beats Arkansas,

Though everything is hicky since George Bush….

….moved out;

 

VERSE 3

HILARY:I’ll light the fire,

BILL:While I wear the pointed hat,

And sheets that we bought to-day-ay-ay-ay-ay.

If you click through this link – here – you can also read the lyrics…or just watch by clicking below:

A Long Weekend In Stratford-Upon-Avon, 29 October to 1 November 1992

Twelfth Night Guest House/Bed and breakfast Image borrowed from Google on fair use grounds for identification – we believe this place has now closed down.

Janie and I talk about our short trip to Venice in December 1992 as the first holiday we took together, which is sort-of true.

But before that, only a couple of months after getting it together, we took in some theatre and dining on a long weekend in Stratford-Upon-Avon.

My diary is not terribly helpful with the details:

In those days, bookings and arrangements would have been made by telephone, so there is no electronic trail to speak of. But I did save programmes and started retro-logging theatre visits a bit later in the 1990s. That, combined with our memories, gets us quite a long way towards remembering this trip, even as I write 25 years later.

29 October 1992

We drove up from London to Stratford-Upon-Avon, probably in quite good time (if Janie was already hopeless at packing she would have hidden this from me back then and been ready with her bags, even if had taken her hours to pack).

We would have driven up in Red Noddy, my (or I should say, at that time, still Binder Hamlyn’s) Honda Civic.

We checked in to Twelfth Night Hotel in Evesham Place…recommended by Janie’s client Margaret if Janie’s diary is anything to go by…£22 per person per night according to Janie’s diary…

…(I originally thought  The Shakespeare Hotel in Chapel Street, but Janie’s diary is explicit and I now recall that The Shakespeare was from our second visit)…

… and went to see a preview of The Changeling at The Swan – written up here – in the evening. We probably ate in Fatty Arbunkle’s that evening, one of the few places in Stratford that offered decent, Bistro-style food after theatre in those days. No photos from this trip, but Fatty’s (now long gone) looked like this wonderful watercolour from the outside. Inside were lots of pictures of silent movie stars, including Fatty Arbunkle himself, of course.

30 October 1992

I think we did a bit of gentle sightseeing during the day. Both of us had been to Stratford-Upon-Avon several times before, but neither of us had done much of the “Shakespeare trail” sightseeing stuff. So much so, that I recall we left some sightseeing stuff over for a future visit.

We weren’t going to the theatre this evening, so we booked a “top notch” place to eat; Lamb’s in Sheep Street. We had a very good meal on that visit and at the time of writing (October 2017) if TripAdvisor is to be believed it has become top notch again. But I do recall a subsequent visit (perhaps late 1990’s or more likely during the twenty-noughties) when the place was in dingy decline. Anyway, top notch it was for our first long weekend together.

31 October 1992

I think we chose to hold back on the sightseeing today (deferring to a future visit) to avoid the weekend crowds. So we mooched around and had a  light lunch, ahead of a marathon effort to see a preview of Antony and Cleopatra at the Shakespeare Memorial Theatre, where Janie recalls we ate and drank in situ, before during and after the performance.

1 November 1992

We drove home. The diary suggests that we went to see NewsRevue at the Canal Cafe Theatre that evening. I suppose I was hopeful to see some of my stuff in the show and I don’t suppose I was disappointed at that time. It might have been Janie;s first visit, although we shall do some archaeology into Janie’s old diaries in the fullness of time. Janie’s diary appointment notes might reveal more details about her NewsRevue experiences and perhaps also about our very first long weekend away together in Stratford-Upon Avon.

Antony And Cleopatra by William Shakespeare, RSC Shakespeare Memorial Theatre, 31 October 1992

This was the second of the two previews Janie and I went to see on our first long weekend away together in Stratford-Upon-Avon.

It seems that Janie decided to “give Shakespeare a go” with me (we have done a few in our time) but in truth she has never got on with Shakespeare. I have got on with Shakespeare but didn’t get on so well with this play and/or this production.

It is a very long play and in truth I don’t think one of Shakespeare’s best. My log records:

We didn’t go great guns on this one.

Good cast: Richard Johnson (Antony), John Nettles (Caesar) and Clare Higgins (Cleopatra).

There is a single fixed camera video of the production apparently, click here for details, including lots of details about exactly who played whom and stuff and where you might find the odd review.

This production probably helped to put Janie off The Bard, but fortunately did not seem to put her off me, despite the fact that (as I recall) the back-aching and thirst-inducing length of the play did little for our moods, especially mine.

Here is the Theatricalia entry for this production.

Below is Michael Coveney’s Observer review:

Changeling, Antony & Cleopatra, Michael CoveneyChangeling, Antony & Cleopatra, Michael Coveney Sun, Nov 8, 1992 – 57 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Below is Michael Billington’s Guardian review:

Changeling, Antony & Cleopatra Michael BillingtonChangeling, Antony & Cleopatra Michael Billington Mon, Nov 9, 1992 – 30 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com