Author: Ian Louis Harris

A Bit Of A Crisis Christmas, 25 To 26 December 2019

As the years go on, Janie and I have fewer dependents and fewer commitments at this time of year. It is nice to have some time off after the mad rush of work and events at the end of the working year, but we felt this year that we would also like to do something for the community.

Janie did some asking around and basically all roads for Christmas time itself seemed to point towards Crisis. Local projects for homeless and vulnerable people tend to close and/or switch their resources towards the Crisis This Christmas programme, in London for sure, also in several other parts of the UK as well, I believe.

Here is a short Crisis promo video from Christmas 2018:

We thought we might have left it a bit late for volunteering, but as it turned out, by phoning and asking what Crisis particularly needed, we discovered that the night of 25th into 26th December was proving especially hard to staff up with volunteers this year, so we volunteered for that.

One of the largest residential Crisis centres is at a confidential location not at all far from us, so it was an easy decision to opt for that one.

Janie and I meticulously watched the training videos and read the training manual over the weekend ahead of our stint.

I can understand why that particular night shift is a tough one for Crisis to staff; we ate light and stayed off the drink on Christmas Day (some would claim that as a personal bonus) and of course there is no public transport that day, so the fact we are quite close to the location and have wheels helped us get to the location for a 22:00 shift briefing.

Janie and I are not exactly naturals for being general volunteers in a situation that requires volunteers relentlessly to do what they are told. We are used to self-starting, we are used to leading rather than following and (in Janie’s case) independent rather than team working.

Yet the volunteer set up at Crisis seemed to operate like a well oiled machine at our location and on our night. We were told in our pre-shift briefing that the centre was close to capacity with over 240 guests that night. We were told that the 25th to 26th night is sometimes busy by night shift standards, as centres tend to be close to full capacity and the guests have just enjoyed the unusually stimulating day of Christmas itself.

We were also told our shift was down on the preferred number of volunteers (indeed several volunteers from our centre needed to move to another centre which was severely under-staffed), so our shift was staffed by 60 when they would normally aim for 80 to 85. As a result, our breaks would be short and we’d sometimes need to cover a bit more ground than Crisis would ideally choose.

In truth, we enjoyed the fact that we were constantly busy and we had no great desire for long breaks. We did get breaks of sufficient length to freshen up and grab a coffee, which was all we really needed.

We said we wanted to pair as much as possible (all general volunteer sessions are staffed in pairs) and they were able to keep us paired for all but one of our sessions, which worked well.

Janie and I learnt that we can spend a 10 hour shift working together and still talking to each other (just about) by the end of it. More than 27 years together and we’re still learning…

Joking apart, we got a lot out of the experience. A lot of the tasks are relatively low level work but the really important aspect of it is interacting with the guests and helping them to have a positive experience over the holiday days.

The benefits of that experience, hopefully come to fruition in the subsequent days when many – better fed and rested than usual – can take advantage of advisory services which can help get them back on their feet. Some can’t or won’t progress from their life on the streets, but a fair number will.

Talking to the guests was an insightful experience for us too. Some didn’t want to talk about themselves but many did choose to open up to us. Several had fascinating stories; the diversity of backgrounds and experiences they described constantly surprised us.

The post shift review was a very positive experience for us. The shift leaders said they thought we (as a group) had done espcially well, as we had been a relatively small team and that the night, to some extent as a result of our work, had been unusually calm for the Christmas-into-Boxing-Day night.

There had been a few incidents, but they had all been handled well. The most heartwarming story from our shift was the homeless person that one of the outside patrols found sleeping nearby. When he woke up they engaged with him; he had no idea that he was sleeping so close to a Crisis centre. Unusually (as the residential centres normally work on a referral basis only) he was admitted to the centre and hopefully is now benefiting from the services Crisis can offer.

Janie and I are not easily impressed but we did come out of the experience feeling that Crisis is well-organised and doing excellent work for the homeless, not only but especially at this time of year.

Here are is a link to the Crisis site again.

Reporting On The Final Of The Ollis Cup, Lord’s, 17 December 2019

How did I get roped in to writing the match report for this great match? By the simple expedient of turning up to watch, that’s how.

Here is a link to the report as published on the MCC website.

I’m gutted that the powers that be declined my chosen headline:

Ollis Not Lost.

Pearls…pearls…

If by any chance the MCC website doesn’t let non-members into the tennis section, here is a scrape of the report, allowing Dedanists and other friends of tennis, Iain Harvey and/or James McDermott to read all about it.

Gresham Society Soirée, Barnard’s Inn Hall, 16 December 2019

Is it really two years since the last Gresham Society Soirée? Yes. I wrote up the previous soirée thusly:

Gresham Society Soirée, Barnard’s Inn Hall, 14 December 2017

This time around, 2019, the programme looked like this:

Unfortunately, my magnum opus for 2019, which marks Sir Thomas Gresham’s 500th birthday, hence The Sir Thomas Gresham 500th Anniversary Song And Dance, was accidentally misnamed as the Sir Richard Gresham themed performance I gave in 2017. But I was able to put people right on that point pretty easily.

But before all of that, Michael Mainelli made a brief appearance to leave soiréeistas in no doubt that the show was about to begin, when he blasted our lug-holes with the sound of his bagpipes.

Michael Mainelli on bagpipes? Well I’ll be blowed!

Mercifully, Part 1 of the soirée was a highly professional and entertaining set by David Jones and Sian Millett, which gave us all plenty of time to recover from the lug-hole blasting and listen to the superb talents of this pair, who are very much becoming Gresham Society soirée favourites.

David & Sian as seen in 2017

David demonstrated his vocal versality with material ranging from lieder to Lehrer. David’s rendering of Hochländisches Wiegenlied by Robert Schumann was a particular delight, not least David’s rendering of the non-Germanic word, “Carlisle” mid song, as was David’s perennial Tom Lehrer favourite The Elements Song, which David can peform better than anyone else I have ever seen attempt it.

Sian’s talents range from grand opera to musicals. Her rendition of Mon Coeur S’ouvre A Ta Voix, with David accompanying on piano rather than the more traditional orchestra backing, brought out the beauty of the melody and the words to my ears, enabling me to enjoy hearing that aria afresh. No recording of Sian and David’s performance, sadly, but those who want now to hear the aria might enjoy the 1961 Callas recording below.

Returning to Sian’s performances, her flirty rendition of I Cain’t Say No was great fun and went down very well with the audience.

Sitting in front of me was Bobbie Scully, with whom I had, in 1984, suffered an unfortunate fit of the giggles, when we accidentally attended a stilted Rodgers and Hammerstein recital, learn more by clicking here or the block below.

Rodgers & Hammerstein, For One Half Only, With Bobbie Scully, Theatre Royal Hanley, 2 September 1984

For the avoidance of doubt, Sian Millett’s soirée performance was absolutely nothing like the stilted recital of the mid 1980s; the audience laughter during Sian’s I Cain’t Say No was very much WITH Sian rather than AT Sian.

The tone changes for Part 2 of the soirée, which brings amateur talent and enthusiasm from within the Gresham Society to the fore. As if to lull us all into a false sense of security, the first couple of items – Robin Wilson on the recorder, followed by a recitation from Under Milk Wood by Martin Perkins – were suitably talent-filled and dignified.

Then it was my turn.

Actually, despite appearances, a fair bit of scholarship went into my piece. I discovered, quite by chance, while researching “Ding Dong Merrily On High” last year for the Z/Yen seasonal function, that Jehan Tabourot, aka Thoinot Arbeau, was a contemporary of Sir Thomas Gresham, the former being listed as either 1519 or 1520 in all sources I could find. Tabourot (under the pseudonym Arbeau) wrote, in the late 16th century, a book, Orchésographie, comprising dance tunes and dance moves he recalled from his youth.

Branle de L’Official, the tune that subsequently was used for Ding Dong Merrily On High, is one such dance from Arbeau’s Orchésographie.

The really strange coincidence about this, is that when I discovered the temporal connection between “Arbeau” and Sir Thomas Gresham, my Googling led me immediately to Ian Pittaway’s website and this superb article:

The pavan, the priest and the pseudonym: ‘Belle qui tiens ma vie’ and Arbeau’s ‘Orchésographie’ (1589)

Ian is my early music teacher. We had been talking in late 2017 about me possibly using Coventry Carol for the 2019 Gresham Society bash, but the Arbeau song and dance possibilities seemed to good an idea to miss.

Fans of Coventry Carol might like to hear Soul Music on BBC Radio 4, which was broadcast on Christmas Day 2019, but is still available through this link, which features Coventry Carol and includes Ian Pittaway talking about the history of the piece and the effect it had on him, with a bit of Ian’s rendition playing in the background.

Anyway, I did test out the song and dance idea with the Z/Yen team in 2018 with predictably hilarious results…

Z/Yen Seasonal Lunch And Brawl, Guildhall, 14 December 2018

…and just over a year later I inflicted same on the Gresham Society – except this time I had tailored the words to suit Thomas Gresham’s 500th birthday.

It would probably be to the benefit of all mankind if the Gresham Society soirée performance of this piece were lost in the mists of time, but unfortunately Basil Bezuidenhout had an accident with his mobile phone and inadvertently video recorded the darned thing.

I must say, the singing from the assembled throng sounds rather good, which is more than can be said for my singing that evening.

For the dance, I ever so slightly simplified the dance moves from this actual facsimile of the 1589 book:

Again, Basil had a mishap with his phone and the dance is recorded for all posterity:

Not much can go wrong in a dance like that, although I notice a couple of us ended up the wrong way round with our partners at the end of the first movement. Many thanks to David Jones for accompanying us on “virginals” and to Sian Millett for her delightful rendering of my silly words while we danced.

Anthony Hodson and David Jones then briefly brought a sense of decorum back to the proceedings with a rendition of the Elgar Romance for Bassoon & Piano, but then Robin Wilson and Tim Connell led the soirée past the point of no return in the matter of decorum. Song sheets that cover some of the residual malarky can be seen by clicking this link.

No such nonsense as the above 2017 rendition of Tinniat Tintinnabulum, dear me no. This year, instead, Robin Wilson lead us in a more ballad-like latin canticle, Reno Erat Rudolphus Nasum Rubrum Habebat

In the tradition of topical comedy, Tim Connell, Mike Dudgeon & Martin Perkins rendered a French Brexit Lament – click here for the text of that pièce de résistance.

After all that, the assembled Gresham Society stalwarts needed reviving with a great deal of food and wine…

…so it was just as well that there were indeed plentiful supplies of both, enabling the remainder of the evening to become a highly convivial party. There was eating, drinking, chatting, laughing and general merriment, without, by that stage, the fear of imminent music, song or dance from over-enthusiastic soiréeistas.

As ever in the company of Gresham Society folk, a thoroughly warm-hearted and enjoyable time was had by all.

A Hat Trick Of Seasonal Events, London Cricket Trust Dinner, Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner & Z/Yen Team Lunch, 11, 12 & 13 December 2019

It seems churlish to complain about too many nice events, but this particular week really did include a surfeit of them for me.

I had already enjoyed the Parasite evening at Curzon Mayfair…

Parasite by Bong Joon-hu, Film Preview & Panel Discussion, Curzon Mayfair, 9 December 2019

…and the Z/Yen 25th anniversary party at The Old Bailey…

25th Z/Yeniversary Alumni Function, The Old Bailey, 10 December 2019

…and it was still only Tuesday.

The three events described in this piece were the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of the same week.

London Cricket Trust Dinner, Three Cranes, Wednesday 11 December 2019

Duncan Jenkinson, Andy Griffiths, Leshia Hawkins, some bloke in pink Middlesex kit photo-bombing our picture, Ivan Thomas and Me, 16 July 2019

No photos from this event, but the above photo and link is from one of the highlights of the London Cricket Trust’s year – A B de Villiers opening our Deptford Park facility in July.

We thought it would be a good idea to have a meal together after the Trustees meeting this time. We have been gathering now since 2017 planning non-turf pitch and net facilities for London’s parks, without ever breaking bread together…until this evening.

The Three Cranes location in the City worked well for me, giving me the opportunity to clear some work at the office (yes, believe it or not I did also do some work in this event-filled week) before the Trustees meeting at the Three Cranes, which was followed by the joyous meal and libations.

This evening was an excellent opportunity to all get to know each other a bit better. Not just we Trustees, but also the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) people who have been working tirelessly on our intiiative (and participation cricket more generally), plus Ed Griffiths and his team who have been doing so much wonderful pro bono work on behalf of the LCT over the years.

One of many good thoughts that emerged from the evening is that we still haven’t actually watched any professional cricket together; we’re hoping to put that right during the 2020 season.

A very enjoyable evening.

Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner & Trophy Match, Spaghetti House Holborn, Thursday 12 December 2019

It’s been a big year for anniversaries. Not only the Z/Yen 25th (the alumni party for which is linked again here and at the very start of this “hat trick” piece)…

…but also the 40th anniversary of NewsRevue, which had its alumni event during the summer:

NewsRevue 40th Anniversary Party, Show & Smoker, Canal Cafe Theatre, 18 August 2019

One NewsRevue alum who, sadly, only just made it a few months beyond the 20th anniverary of that show was Ivan Shakespeare. We “Class Of ’92” types who were NewsRevue contemporaries of Ivan meet on an irregular occasional basis, three or four times a year, to keep in touch with each other, eat, trade jokes, share bizarre quizzes and also to remember Ivan. We’ve been doing that since mid 2000, a few months after Ivan died.

In the seasonal version of our gathering, the stakes increase markedly and we play one of the quizzes for The Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Trophy. I am proud to be the donor of the original Memorial Trophy, which was first contested in 2002, about 18 months after the dinners started.

It’s a bit like The Ashes, but for comedy writers rather than for cricketers.

Much like The Ashes, the trophy is a thing of exquisite gimcrackness; it’s absence of taste simply has to be seen to be believed:

Observant readers will see that I won that trophy once; in 2004
Some real names from the world of quizzing on there: Hugh Ryecroft for one, Barry Grossman being another.

The problem is, unlike The Ashes, the trophy is inscribed with the winner’s name each year…

…and the original trophy is running out of sensible places for the embazoning of the winner’s name…

…OK, there never were sensible places for the emblazoning, but now we are even running out of silly places to inscribe.

The solution: a new trophy. Acquired through the sort of tenacity that only Graham Robertson could possibly deploy – an eBay purchase which he needed to make twice because the first eBay vendor of tasteless out-of-date royal gimcrack merchandise took Graham’s money and did a runner.

The assembled alums at our new spiritual venue, The Spaghetti House in Holborn, decreed that Mark Keegan, who won the original trophy three times, should become “steward-for-life” of the original trophy.

Mark Keegan, delighted with his original trophy. Graham Robertson looks on, enviously.
Barry Grossman shows off the new trophy…
…then wears one for the team by winning the new trophy this year

As usual I came quite close but no cigar for me in the trophy stakes since 2004. Barry Grossman scooped the glittering prize this year – with sincere commiserations to Barry – he could have been an also-ran, but instead…

It wasn’t all quizzes and trophies; oh no, no, no, no, no, no no. There was plenty of time for eating, drinking, topical humour and some sense-of-irony-sapping politics on what was, after all, an election night.

Moving swiftly on from the will-to-live-depleting topics back to the humour section, John Random produced another set of personalised Christmas crackers this year, based on the BBC Radio 4 programme In Our Time with Melvyn Bragg.

My cracker contained a note posing the intriguing question:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Frankly, I had no idea and would gladly have said, “no idea”, but for the answer provided, which instead said, in Braggian tones:

With me to discuss what you call a deer with no eyes, I have Ian Harris, Professor of Mammalian Opthalmology at Gresham College and author of In Darkness Let me Dwell – and Professor Jonny Hurst from the University of Manchester, author of Champagne Super Over: Oasis In Popular Culture.

There is sort-of a tradition in recent years for at least one person’s order to go horribly wrong at the festive dinner. This year it Barry Grossman who suffered the indignity of being brought his main at starter time and a starter-sized portion of his chosen main at main course time. The nice waiter did his best to sort things out.

Ironically, Barry went on to win the quiz, as did Jonny Hurst in 2017 when it was his turn to be the brunt of the ritual service humiliation – in those days at Cafe Rogues in Holborn not far from the scene of this year’s crime. That year, 2017, John Random’s personalised crackers had been based on the Moral Maze. He likes his thinky-Radio-4 programmes, does our John.

Anyway, the night of 12 December 2019 will surely be remembered as a great night for NewsRevue alums…and Tories…ironically.

Z/Yen Seasonal Lunch, The Old Bailey, Friday 13 December 2019

Z/Yen team gathered in the Alderman & Sheriff’s apartment

In the world of crime fiction, criminals have a regular, unfortunate tendancy; returning to the scene of the crime. Whether that is true in the real world or not I have no idea. Nor do I have the faintest idea what that point might have to do with this section of this piece.

Anyway, just three days after the Z/Yen Alumni function at The Old Bailey, the current Z/Yen team regrouped in that astonishing building for the staff seasonal lunch.

On this occasion we found ourselves in the smaller function room, used daily for the judges pre-luncheon drinks, after enjoying our pre-lunch drinks in Michael and Elisabeth’s apartment. Once again Sean, their footman, proved his skills as a photographer – thanks Sean.

The meal was a very good one; smoked trout fillet, followed by a posh duck dish, followed by an apple tart-like desert.

The wines tasted suspiciously like those excellent wines we’d enjoyed earlier in the week and seemed suspiciously well food-matched for the lunch, thanks to the combined skills of Gordon Clunie and (in all modesty) me.

Linda produced one of her fiendish seasonal quizzes – let’s not even talk about how badly Simon Mills and I did as a so-called team on that one.

Secret Santa visited (I got some baritone ukulele strings) and Santa also brought everyone a small box of super posh chocolates.

Then the traditional Z/Yen seasonal sing song. Being exceptionally woke for a boomer, I again recycled a previous effort this year, cunningly adding a topical reference ensuring that no-one would realise that it was recycled…

…unless they looked at the copyright years and/or version numbers and/or read this piece. Here is the 2019 version of The 12 Days Of Z/Yen Training. Excellent, was the performance, especially the “Five Forces” motif, which brought tears to my eyes each time around.

It is a fascinating musical phenomenon that this particular song works in so many different keys: C, C#, B, D, D#, A, E, G#, G, F & F#…all at the same time…at least, it did that afternoon.

After the formalities, plenty of informalities with some additional quizzing, singing, chatting and libations until it was chucking out time at The Old Bailey.

Chucking out time at The Old Bailey on a Friday afternoon works remarkably quickly and effectively:

You are welcome to stay on downstairs if you wish…but no-one will be here with the keys to your cell until Monday morning…

…everyone scarpers sharpish at that juncture.

Some ventured on for more libations at a local hostelry, but after five events in five days, all I could think about was getting home and lying down for a good few hours.

25th Z/Yeniversary Alumni Function, The Old Bailey, 10 December 2019

Put out the bunting! Charge the wine glasses. Z/Yen is 25 years old.

Can it really be that long since I formed Z/Yen with a small group of reprobates, not least Michael Mainelli? Yes.

Naturally the event has been reported in Now & Z/Yen, the company’s occasional newsletter/blog, (also now aged 25 and counting), click here for that report.

Preparations for the alumni do started some months before the event. Not least, the creation of a gimcrack exhibition worthy of the Victoria & Albert museum:

An early, experimental attempt some days before the event

Given the sizeable quantities of stock remaining for some Z/Yen gimcrack artefacts, we decided that the alums “deserved” goody bags on leaving this event.

Oh goody

Janie and I got to the location in good time, mostly because I deliberately over-estimated the journey duration for Janie’s benefit.

I showed Janie 20 old Bailey, where Michael and I worked prior to Z/Yen, plus the front of The Old Bailey. Somewhat ominously, 20 old Bailey is now home to Barings Bank & Metro Bank, among others.

While Janie and I were sightseeing outside the building, Linda Cook was busy adding a celebratory touch by putting out bunting based on a very early Z/Yen photo of me, Michael, Steve Taylor and Kate Carty (latterly Kate Taylor) – see headline picture and detail picture below.

I’m a little concerned on Linda’s behalf that the bunting (as seen in the headline picture) seems to be overhanging the portrait of Her Maj a little. There might well be a by-law in The Old Bailey that such disrespect to the monarch constitutes high treason and all that such a crime entrails…I mean, entails.

Joking apart, Michael gave those of us who chose to arrive early a fascinating, but at times somewhat grizzly, history talk about and tour around The Old Bailey.

Aldermansplaining The Old Bailey

Photos are not permitted on the tour. We sat in Court One for much of the talk. Elisabeth sat in the dock, while Janie and I sat in the jury seats. We found Elisabeth guilty on the grounds of looking a bit nervous in the dock…but then who wouldn’t with me and Janie beaming at them from the jury seats?

We also saw Court Six and the very grand main lobby. There is one place on the staircase where photos are permitted. Sean (Michael’s shrieval footman) turns out to be a dab hand at photography and kindly took the following:

By the time we tourists returned to the judges dining room to join the rest of the function, another twenty or so guests had arrived, so the party went into full swing…

…such full swing that Linda and Janie stopped taking photos, so you’ll simply have to imagine the drinks, canapes, bowls of yummy food and revelry.

In the run up to the event, I had been Ogblogging like fury, generating a three-part chronicle of Z/Yen’s conception and birth. Michael and I delivered a brief summary of that chronicle as a double-act on the night – click here for the pdf.

If you want to read the full three-parter, try the links within the pdf or the block links below:

Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe First Part – Sumer Is Icomen In, Spring 1994
Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe Second Part: Mirie It Is While Sumer Ilast, Summer 1994
Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe Third Part: Windes Blast & Weder, Autumn 1994

I also sang the very first Z/Yen song, with the help of the assembled staff and alums who acted as the choir. Click here for a pdf of the lyric.

After that brief interlude, we all returned to eating, drinking and making merry.

It was a really enjoyable event, not least because it was such a well-organised event at such an interesting venue, but more particularly because it was so lovely to see so many Z/Yen folk past and present, all assembled and enjoying spending time together. Moved, I was.

Parasite by Bong Joon-hu, Film Preview & Panel Discussion, Curzon Mayfair, 9 December 2019

South Korean movies don’t win Palmes d’Or…at least they didn’t until Parasite came along this year.

Here’s the trailer:

It is due to be released in the UK next February, but Janie and I spotted an opportunity, offered to Curzon members, to see a preview and then a panel discussion with Bong Joon-hu himself (who seems quite liberal about the spelling of his name in transliteration) plus a couple of actors.

Despite this being a crazy busy week for us, it seemed too good an opportunity to miss, especially as I was able to snap up a choice pair of our favourite Pullman seats for the event.

Unfortunately, our chosen Pullman seat had fallen to pieces between booking and our arrival. A sweet young woman tried to convince me that the Curzon had e-mailed me about this (oh no they hadn’t) and that we had been offered alternatives (but not Pullman seats)…

…blah blah. A nice man whose Pullman seat was adjacent to our vacant space (formerly known as our Pullman seat) said he was willing to take the lesser seats if it really mattered to us, but in the end we accepted the switch, which the sweet young woman sweetened with some drinks, nibbles and the price differential as a refund in cash.

But the comedy/drama/thrills of the seat fiasco was as nothing once the film started.

It really is a cracker of a film. Everything the trailer promises about the twists and turns, the funny moments and the suspense…

…really we were gripped by the movie from start to finish.

If you are nervous of all subtitled movies, then this one might not be for you – the subtitles are very clear and easy to read but you do need the words, so if you let your visual concentration slip from reading the subtitles when you need them, you can miss some lines…

…and when a movie is this visually stimulating, you can even be concentrating on the movie but looking at other eye-popping visuals when you need to be reading.

Still the plot is not that complicated, even though it changes tack more often than a sailing boat in a swirling storm.

Janie and I often find Q&A panels more appealing in the ideas stage of booking the thing than in the actual delivery. This one was no exception.

Most of the questions from the floor were banal. The only really interesting thing I learnt was the fact that Mr Bong had written the first half of the film several years ago and that the second half only revealed itself to him some time later. So those twists and turns don’t just happen suddenly in his head; the second half of the film is very different in style, tone and content.

One interesting question from the floor was about the symbolism of smells and water, themes which constantly recurred in the film. Mr Bong’s answers to that question were insightful.

Ilya Volkov (Kreecher) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)]
Taken at a film festival in Munich, summer 2019.

We were also blessed with the presence of Song Kang-ho (who played the father of the parasite family) and Jeong-eun Lee (who played the displaced housekeeper).

They all seemed very nice and were well-humoured on the stage. But they all sat there with their coats on, which felt a bit strange. They also used very little English, making a young translator work very hard. The translator mostly picked up very well on the points they wanted to make, I felt.

Here is a link to a similar panel discussion, from the Toronto Film Festival.

Janie will be irritated that they use English far more in that Toronto interview than they did at the Curzon; Janie said she thought they had better English than they were letting on!

The movie is, above all else, a fascinating insight into societal inequality seen through an East Asian lens, yet unquestionably illustrating universal issues around that topic. So different in style from movies such as Sorry We Missed You and Dirty Pretty Things, yet covering many similar themes.

Point is, go see this movie, Parasite – it really is something special.

Half Way There, Living On A Prayer, Dinner With Simon Jacobs, The Pembroke, 3 December 2019

I chose The Pembroke very carefully. I dug out my trusty slide rule, compass, protractor and set squares…

…concluding that this place was approximately equidistant between my place and Simon’s…

…it was also one of those places I’d heard good things about and was keen to try.

Everything went according to plan; I turned up a couple of minutes after the appointed hour and Simon turned up shortly after that.

I bet you put some effort into choosing this place on the grounds of its equidistance…

…said Simon. I nodded.

Thing is, I forgot to mention last time I saw you, but I have finally got round to commissioning that work on my house I’ve been talking about for years…so I am currently living with my mum in Pinner.

Last time I saw Simon was his gig at Notting Hill Arts Club:

Simon Jacobs Live Gig, Notting Hill Arts Club, 27 August 2019

I’m not surprised Simon didn’t mention the “staying with mum” business on that occasion; it’s not a very rock’n’roll existence, is it? Even if temporary and in sensible circumstances. Even with Simon’s lovely mum.

We spent a bit of time bemoaning the whole “builders in the house” business.

Then we worked out that half way between my place and Simon’s mum’s place is probably Alperton or Wembley (it is). I have subsequently researched half way houses in Alperton/Wembley – click here. Probably best we booked The Pembroke.

The food was good, the staff were attentive without being overly-so. They had acquiesced to my request for a corner table, not that the place was too full anyway, but that back corner is away from the bar, which is a bit nosiy there.

All very satisfactory.

But the funny thing was, that once Simon had told me that he was living with his mum, he seemed somewhat reverted, somehow boyish compared with his usual self.

Still crazy after all these years

Example. Simon was describing his mother’s house, which is not the house I remember Simon & Sue growing up in; their folks moved to a different house in the 1980s.

Simon described the garden as big. Seriously big. He then went to Google Earth to try locating the garden so I could see it.

At one point, when I wondered why Simon was looking at the Google Earth globe, Simon asserted that his mum’s garden is the only structure of human construction, other than the Great Wall Of China, that can be seen from outer space. Perhaps that assertion was meant to be exaggeration for effect, rather than an attempt to hoodwink me.

In the end, Simon failed to locate his mum’s garden on Google Earth…I mean, it can’t be that big then, can it?

So we discussed other things. Such as the political omnishambles that is the general election.

We also discussed Simon’s latest cracking single, which I had been honoured to hear in preview and is due to be released on the Friday after our get together…

…which is today, now that I am writing this up, so I can share the charming video and song with you:

Cool sound, coming from a self-confessed “old bloke” who still lives with his mum…

…Ok, is temporarily living with his mum while making even more cool studio space for himself and Timothy in his house.

Anyway, we had a very enjoyable evening, as always. I was surprised at how late it was by the time we toddled towards Earls Court, from whence I went the two stops back to my place and Simon…schlepped all the way to Pinner.

Midnight Movie by Eve Leigh, Royal Court Theatre Upstairs, 30 November 2019

No, still don’t get it…

Whoops.

I booked this on the back of us very much enjoying Eve Leigh’s unusual piece, The Trick, earlier this year at The Bush:

The Trick by Eve Leigh, Bush Studio, 23 February 2019

But where The Trick had been unusual and a little puzzling, Janie and I both found Midnight Movie impenetrable.

Here is The Royal Court’s verbiage on the piece.

The trailer also provides some clues:

In many ways the play is in the tradition of dream plays, so it would be wrong to complain about the lack of plot and confusing switches. But this piece seemed, to me, so very disjointed, it was hard to get anything much out of the experience.

It is laudable that Eve Leigh and the Royal Court have tried to produce a piece that specific speaks to people with physical challenges, but the notion that the central male character was substituting internet experience for the physical experiences his body would not allow, really struggled to make that point through the material.

Janie really hated the piece.

I tried to go with the flow but couldn’t get anywhere with it.

It is only 70 minutes long, but it felt like so much longer.

We both had out own physical challenges by the end of the ordeal – those narrow arse-ache chairs had us John-Wayning out of the theatre.

We saw a preview, so there’s a chance that the piece has been tightened a little ahead of press night, but I doubt it.

Early signs from the reviews is that the opacity of the piece shines through, as it were.

A rare miss for us at the Royal Court.

School Dinners Again, Informal Alleyn’s Alums In The City, 28 November 2019

It was about time for another of our regularly-occasional gatherings of the old school clan, so, sure enough, an e-mail came through from John Eltham several weeks ago organising this evening for us.

More than a dozen of us gathered again, most for drinks at the Walrus & Carpenter plus dinner at The Rajasthan, while a handful came to just one or other of the venues.

This felt like a bit of a homecoming to regular City venues, as the last such gathering at this time of year was relocated to different venues, for some reason:

An Award-Winning Evening During Which I Hung Out With The Alleyn’s Old Boys Crowd, Sripur Restaurant, 6 December 2018

Anyway, my need to be in the City this week cunnningly conspired to coincide with this day, so I simply wandered over to The Walrus after work.

The group was already well gathered in the cunningly hidden dowstairs bar. Mostly comprising the usual suspects, the group also included Nick Wahla for the first time. Nick was in my class in the second and third years – here’s some evidence of the former:

My Second Class At Alleyn’s School, 2AK, And Some Nicknames, guessing 1 January 1975

According to the above piece, Nick’s nickname (if you can get your head round the idea of someone named “Nick” having a nickname), was “Gob”. It’s almost impossible to imagine why Nick might ever have been known as Gob. My guess is that the epithet “Gob” was handed down to Nick by our form master, Tony King, rather than an authentic compadre’s moniker.

Mr King, purveyor of synthetic sobriquets

In the Rajasthan, I ended up at the “breezy door” end of the room, next to Nick Wahla and opposite David Wellbrook, who for once in his life was being too polite that evening to promote his latest e-book – click here or the picture link below:

Soon we were joined by Mike Jones, who, coincidentally, had been form master to all three of us in our third year. Simon Ryan enocuraged the whole table to stand up and say, “good evening, Sir” to Mike, which I’m certain caused Mike not one jot of embarrassment.

We did a bit of 3BJ reminiscing at our end of the table…and why not? I particularly remembered Nick Wahla giving “Cyril” Vaughan a hard time in our Latin classes, but Nick claimed not to remember Cyril at all and went all “innocentia effecit imitatio” on the matter of Latin disruption, while admitting to having achieved a record low in his Latin exam. 8%.

Now I’m not saying that Nick was the main or only protagonist in the matter of Cyril baiting. Heaven knows, I personally pulled the “varnishing a stash of chalk and swapping the varnished variety for all the serviceable chalk” stunt…I am now prepared at this late stage to confess to that one…perhaps my best ever practical joke…especially the cunningly hidden addtional piece of varnished chalk waiting to be discovered in the master’s desk drawer…

…but I do distinctly remember Paul Deacon’s impersonation of Cyril, which was excellent vocally, normally comprising phrases such as, “…Wahla, please put that hand grenade down, there’s a good fellow…now Wahla, please don’t pick up that machine gun in place of the hand grenade, be a nice chap…”

If we’re really lucky Paul might chime in with a Cyril voice file to enhance this memory.

Bunch of clowns, we were and I’m sure the masters took great pains at the time to tell us that we wouldn’t be able to make a living in the real world writing silly jokes, speaking in funny voices and/or by having the gift of the gab.

Nick Wahla is now deploying his gift of the gab in the world of market research; he warned us all that no shopping visit nor even the supposed security of our own homes would make us safe from a possible approach by Nick at unsuspecting moments in our lives. It’s a minor miracle, it seems, that none of us have yet encountered Nick and his clip board in the field.

Meanwhile we ate Indian food, most people drank Cobra beer, while three of us (me, David Leach and Lisa Pavlovsky) braved the Indian Shiraz – I’m not sure we’ll be making that mistake with that particular wine again – my bad idea.

There was lots of chat.

At the end of the meal, it transpired that it was Paul Driscoll’s birthday and so David Wellbrook hurriedly cajoled the waiting staff into arranging a token birthday sweet, with which to embarrass Paul.

David Wellbrook uploaded a video of the resulting merriment onto Facebook – click here if you dare.

In that vid you can see an excitable-looking me (not sufficiently sedated with wine – one glass of that Shiraz was more than enough for me) jumping up to take the following picture:

As always, it was great to see the gang and especially nice to see Nick Wahla again after all these years. Astonishingly, he was too polite to ask a range of questions about the evening, so I shall provide the answers here.

On a scale of 1 to 10, where 1 is “totally dissatisfied” and 10 is “totally satisfied”, I would give the following scores:

* quality of food, drink and service 6/10

* quality of company and feeling of bon-homie 11/10

As always, a great evening. Many thanks to John Eltham who always takes on the unenviable task of trying to herd our bunch of Alleyn-cats for these get togethers.

Loadsa Real Tennis, Some Of It Me Playing At Lord’s, Then Some Really Real Tennis At Queen’s, 20 to 23 November 2019

20 November 2019 – Semi Final Of The HD Johns Cup

Dominic Flint and I qualified for the semi-final of the doubles in the Lord’s internal tournament for people of our grade.

Tony (left), Dominic (centre) & Yours Truly (right), at MURTC in spring

We’ve been practicing together a fair bit over the summer and autumn, and/but knew that we’d need to be at the top of our game for our fancied opponents; Gareth Zundel and Sebastian Wood.

We were quite excited to qualify for the semi-final. I haven’t played much competition sport since school, so this was my first semi-final since 1975. My 1975 fives semi-final did not go well; ironically on a day when England’s cricket semi also went sour

A Truly Thrice Awful Day In My School/Sporting Life, 18 June 1975

In short, I’ll have to wait a while longer before I win a semi. Dominic and I started poorly, losing the first four games. After that, we were in the hunt for the rest of the match, but it is a best of three set shootout, so when our opponents overcame our second set lead amd pipped us in the second set as well, that was that.

What do you mean, “you’d like to see the whole sorry affair pan out”? Surely not? What? Oh, Ok, then. It is just shy of an hour, so two parts:

I feel I learnt a lot from the process of getting to know each other’s games and working out a method as a pair. Dominic says he feels the same way, so I hope we get another opportunity to play a tournament together.

21 November 2019 – Club Night, Lord’s

The club has recently initiated a new idea, called club night, which is basically a turn up and play doubles evening with an element of eating and drinking for those who wish.

I love the idea and intend to be a regular attendee. But I was unable to make the first one, so wanted to make the effort to attend this second one, even though I wasn’t really up for the libations and dining side of it.

I got to play a couple of sets; early in the evening with some guys who were well above my pay grade; then latterly a really well-matched set which enabled me to reunite with James McDermott.

Me and James, at Hampton Court a few week’s earlier

In October I had briefly broken away from my partnership with Dominic to play a Dedanist’s representative match with James McDermott at Hampton Court – the first of three travelling matches in a report you may click here or below:

How I Lost My Virginity Three Times In Less Than A Week, Yet Didn’t Lose A Match, 10, 14 & 15 October 2019

James was playing very well in that successful Hampton Court match and has subsequently gone on to great things – not least qualifying for the final of the WH Ollis (singles).

It was good fun to have another go at doubles with James, although this time we came out second best in the tightest of tight sets.

I’m aiming to try and make club nights from now on; including keeping the early morning afterwards free if possible.

22 November 2019, A Couple Of British Open Doubles Quarter-Finals Matches, The Queen’s Club

I was keen to see some of the British Open at Queen’s this year. I chose the Singles semi-finals day to take Janie (that’s tomorrow) but also thought I’d take in some of the doubles (now that I am making strides in that format).

So I took the afternoon out to watch a couple of the matches and then drive on to Noddyland.

Here’s the first match I watched:

Darren Long, who has looked after me so well when I have visited Manchester, was on the wrong side of this match – a not unexpected result in the circumstances.

Between the two matches I watched, i popped into the restaurant/bar for a snack and ran into Darren there. He introduced me to Ben Taylor-Matthews (Leamington) and we had a pleasant chat before he shot off to get his train back to Manchester.

The second match, which included Ben Taylor-Matthews, was a fair bit closer and went the way of my new found friend. He was partnering Bryn Sayers, who i know from Queen’s, so I suppose I was rooting for the favourites for once. You don’t really do much partisan rooting when watching real tennis – more admiration for good rests and great shots:

23 November 2019, The British Open Singles Semi-Finals Matches, The Queen’s Club

After our traditional game of lawners in the morning, Janie and I headed off to The Queen’s Club in time to have a pleasant brunch before watching the singles semi-finals.

I wanted to show Janie how the game really ought to be played – surely she had suffered enough watching me a few times.

As it turned out, although Janie has known many Queensistas in her time and had been with me to see lawn tennis at Queen’s, she’d never actually been in the main building before.

I think that might be the tennis court, there…

Of course we bumped into people we knew, not least Tony Friend, Robin Simpson and Brian Sharp.

Brian is probably asking me if I have got my handicap below 60 yet.

I promised to show Janie around a bit during the break between the two matches, which I did reasonably successfully.

The first semi-final was between Rob Fahey (current world champion, long-time world No 1, now world No 2) and my new friend Ben Taylor-Matthews:

Rob Fahey looking supremely confident
Ben Taylor-Matthews gathering himself

I thought Ben put up some strong resistance before eventually succumbing, but when I saw him briefly afterwards he said he’d been disappointed by his performance.

The second match was a little more one-sided. I don’t think anyone was going to beat Camden Riviere this year:

Chris Chapman sporting electric blue shoes
While Camden wore red and one back shoe; some sort of statement?

Janie really enjoyed her day at Queen’s and even took an interest, the next day, encouraging me to put the streaming on the TV so we could see the semi-finals of the doubles.

The Queen’s Club is a lovely place to visit and my it looked resplendent as we left, even in the rain: