Category: Writing (my writing)

Iphigenia Comes With Me To Southgate, Middlesex v Yorkshire, 8 June 2006

Pretty much everything I want to say about this day is said in my King Cricket “book at cricket review”, which was published 31 August 2017 – here.

Just in case anything ever happens to King Cricket, the above piece is scraped to Ogblog here.

Strangely, within a few minutes of King Cricket publishing my piece, someone fired a crossbow in the direction of the Oval, which seemed more news-like than my 2006 book reading at Southgate.

Oh well.

One additional point that I missed from the King Cricket piece, in the interests of brevity, is to describe where I was sitting and where Michael Vaughan was fielding that day at The Walker Ground, Southgate.

I was seated at the opposite end to The Waterfall Road end; The Barnet & Southgate College end, I should imagine it is called. Michael Vaughan was fielding at Fine Leg or “Fine Barnet” as that position is known at that ground.

Aggers: It’s going to be a close run thing deciding the “fine barnet of the match” today; it’s got to be down to either Alec Stewart or Michael Vaughan. Frankly they’ve both put in stunning performances, both superb exponents of the late cut…

In And Off Me Own ‘Ed, Middlesex Till We Die (MTWD) Book Review of On and Off The Field by Ed Smith, 13 January 2005

My second commission from MTWD was to review each of Ed Smith’s first two books.  Ed had been signed by Middlesex in the autumn of 2004.

The first of those two reviews, Hard Balled Egg Ed, a review of Playing Hard Ball, together with a bit more of the back story and forward story, was blogged about here, published on 1 January 2005.

The second review, In And Off Me Own Ed, which is a review of On And Off The Field, is linked here.

If anything were ever to go awry with the MTWD website, you can find that piece here.

The key takeaway (for those unwilling to click) is that I did not think anything like as highly of this book.  I did enjoy Ed’s third book, What Sport Tells Us About Life, but that is another story.

Hard Balled Egg Ed, Middlesex Till We Die (MTWD) Book Review of Playing Hard Ball by Ed Smith, 1 January 2005

My second commission from MTWD was to review each of Ed Smith’s first two books.  Ed had been signed by Middlesex in the autumn of 2004.

I had been meaning to read Playing Hard Ball for some time anyway, so the commission was a good excuse to read that one.

I got to know Ed quite well that summer of 2008, when he was injured and sitting around the pavilion a lot second half of the season.  Coincidentally, he and his then girlfriend (now his wife) Becky lived just around the corner from me in W2.  I would run into him/them occasionally in the neighbourhood for a few years after that injury forced his early retirement from the game.

Here is my MTWD review of Playing Hard Ball, naturally published under my nom-de-plume Ged Ladd.  

Just in case anything ever happens to MTWD, I have scraped the piece to here on Ogblog.

The key takeaway (for those unwilling to click) is that I would recommend the book highly.

 

Sven Will We See You Again, Middlesex Till We Die (MTWD) Editorial Piece, 1 November 2004

During the summer of 2004 I discovered the Middlesex Till We Die (MTWD) website and started corresponding with people through that on-line community’s message board. I decided to use Janie (Daisy’s) pet name/nickname for me, Ged Ladd, as my moniker on MTWD.

That autumn, the site moderators (in those nascent days David Slater, Kevin Ziants and Jeremy Horne) electronically “tapped me up” and asked if I would contribute some editorial pieces for the winter. I think we even met up that autumn to discuss matters. Part of the deal with the sites host, Sportnetwork, is that you must provide regular (at least fortnightly) editorial, otherwise the site (including the popular message boards) gets shut down. The minimum editorial requirement is easy to meet during the season (e.g. with match reports), but the long off-season presented a problem for the moderators at that time (and as I understand it, still presents a problem today, 2016 as I write).

Anyway, I enjoy writing articles and was happy to oblige. My first contribution was a “career tombstone” piece when Sven Koenig, one of Middlesex’s gritty opening batsmen, decided to hang up his boots. Word reached me later that Sven had seen the piece and rather liked it, as indeed he should.

Here is a link to the piece.

If anything should ever go awry with the MTWD site, that piece can also be found here.

The highlight, in my view, is the statistical device that indicated that it was not the colour of the ball (white or red) that affected Sven’s batting average, but the colour of his clothing, presumably for sartorial rather than cricketing reasons.  Strangely, no cricket administrator seems to have picked up this theory and run with it since when assessing other dapper cricketers.  I cannot imagine why not.

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

Some months earlier, Mike Ward had, over dinner on one of his visits to London, raised the idea of Casablanca The Musical with me. He was working on the book and wanted me to write some silly lyrics to well known songs with him.

I quite rapidly wrote one lyric, I Only Have Heils For You…

I Only Have “Heils” For You, Casablanca the Musical, Actor’s Workshop Halifax, 27 July 2001

…which (to be fair without my having provided much context) led Janie to wonder whether I had taken leave of my senses.

In the end, I wrote a few lyrics (now all Ogblogged, between the dates 27 July and 8 August 2001), including one jointly with David Seidel, who knew a lot more about 30s and 40s music than I did, although perhaps not quite as much about the sort of silly lyrics that might work in Mike’s show.

I took the brief quite seriously considering what a silly brief it was. I remember tracking down and reading the movie script as well as Mike’s musical book to help me remember the story and think through the bits that might lend themselves best to musical interludes. The joke in the programme notes about me not having seen the book until the very last minute is…a joke.

I also wrote programme notes for that original production; a mixture of serious and silly – available here and below:

Casablanca The Musical, Timeline And Programme Notes For Original 2001 Production, Written By Yours Truly, 31 August 2001

The production was scheduled at fairly short notice for mid-September 2001. I had arranged to speak at a charity conference in Sheffield on the Monday (17th), so it seemed sensible for me to press further into Yorkshire on the Tuesday and see the show that second night, which I did.

My charity accountants conference talk is long-since forgotten, I hope. I do recall it was a double-act with Mary O’Callaghan and I expect I charitably let Mary deliver all the best jokes. You’ll simply have to imagine what those side-splitting, uproarious gags might have been and how those charity accountants must have laughed and laughed…

…but I digress.

Actually I do remember that I met a very pleasant woman from Norwood Ravenswood who connected me to their archivist who was extremely helpful in providing information on the orphaned (Krasey) side of my mother’s family…

…but that is even more of a digression.

Point is, on the Tuesday, mid to late morning, I headed north-west from Sheffield and checked in to the Imperial Crown. Janie, who had been up to the Actor’s Workshop for the Pausanias Affair earlier that summer, was unable to cancel out her work for such a one-nighter, so I braved Halifax alone on that occasion.

I don’t recall all the details of the afternoon and evening. I have a feeling that it was quite similar to my solo quick turnaround visit to see the revival in 2018; I think I went to the theatre to meet Mike. There was a sense of excitement as the show had been well previewed locally so was all-but sold out.

I’m pretty sure that Mike and I then went back to his house, where Lottie no doubt served up some splendid grub and good wine. Then we went back to the theatre to see the show.

I do remember enjoying the show. I recall the second half seeming to tail off a little – perhaps due to the book (which Mike subsequently edited for the revival to good effect I think) – more likely it is just an exhausting show for the cast. I remember that there were several girls playing the role of Ilsa, for reasons that weren’t explained in the script – I suppose Mike had written too few parts for women and wanted to give several young females a chance.

I do also recall feeling that, first time round, Ouagadougou Choo Choo had not quite been the rousing finale I had intended. That number certainly worked better (to my taste) in 2018.

In those days, The Evening Courier reviewed stuff for the Actor’s Workshop and this piece/production got a pretty darned hot review:

Tragically, the theatre was destroyed just a few week’s later, in an incident which seemed to be connected with the rioting in several Northern towns that autumn but in fact was later identified as to be youthful mischief that got seriously out of hand.

I couldn’t help wondering at the time whether my songs, in particular, Ouagadougou Choo Choo, had actually brought the house down.

Joking apart though, this show was a gargantuan effort for a tiny charitable youth theatre. But that effort was dwarfed by the efforts it must have needed to bring the Workshop back from the almost-dead after that tragic incident.

Looking back, Mike Ward just shrugs and says he can’t remember and sort-of wonders how he/they did it.

But back in September 2001, all of that was the future, while Casablanca The Musical took a highly irreverent look back at the past.

Casablanca The Musical, Timeline And Programme Notes For Original 2001 Production, Written By Yours Truly, 31 August 2001

TIMELINE: WORLD EVENTS AND CASABLANCA, THE MUSICAL

Date

Events
1899 January 23, Humphrey DeForest Bogart born, New York City, USA.

August 2, Michael Overfish Ward born, Halifax, England.
1931 Song “As Time Goes By” appears in Broadway show “Everybody’s Welcome”.  Cornell student Murray Burnett irritates his fellow students by playing it constantly.  The Great Depression has been running globally for two years.  The Nazi party is number two in the German Reichstag with over 18% of the vote.  Talking movies are four years old.
1933 Hitler becomes Chancellor of Germany in January

Mike Ward becomes Chancellor of Keighley in August
1938 Germany annexes Austria in March.  Later that year, Murray Burnett, a Jew, goes to Vienna to help relatives to escape; he is horrified by the hatred there.  Mike Ward is reported to have said “if you think Nazi Europe is horrifying, you should see Keighley”.
June 1940 Nazis take Paris and do a deal with the remnants of the French Government, much to the chagrin of the resistant French elements.  Marshal Petain becomes head of Vichy France, in collaboration with the Nazis.  General Charles DeGaulle announces plan to develop the means to liberate France from the overseas empire, primarily French Africa.
1940 Murray Burnett, in collaboration with friend Joan Alison, writes play “Everybody Comes to Rick’s” about an American expat in Casablanca whose former lover turns up at his night club with her resistance leader husband, Victor, in tow.  She asks Sam the pianist to play “As Time Goes By”.  Love with Rick is rekindled.  She wants to stay with Rick.  Rick insists that she leaves with Victor.  She goes.  The curtain falls.
1940 DeGaulle establishes his credentials in Free French Africa, successfully breaking the Vichy stranglehold in Equatorial Africa.  Strangely, the position of Ouagadougou in Upper Volta is hard to establish from the histories.  The position over North Africa, including Morocco, is ambiguous and is to remain so for several years – it’s status can be vaguely described as unoccupied by agreement with Vichy France.  For example, the British allow Vichy ships to pass through the straits of Gibraltar without interference.
1941 Murray Burnett struggles to place “Everybody Comes to Rick’s” until the US’s entry into the war towards the end of the year suddenly makes the property look hot.  Humphrey Bogart is busy making The Maltese Falcon.
December 1941/ January 1942 Irene Lee and Hal Wallis of Warner Bros buy “Everybody Comes to Rick’s” for $20,000 – then the highest ever price for an unperformed play (about £100,000 to £150,000 at today’s UK prices – why can’t Mike Ward plays raise this sort of cash?).  Warner Bros immediately change the name of the piece to Casablanca and announce that Ronald Reagan is to play Rick, Ann Sheridan is to pay Ilsa and Dennis Morgan is to play Victor.
February 1942 Julius and Phil Epstein set to work rewriting the script into a Warner Bros movie screenplay with humour and sparkle.  Wallis decides on Mick Curtiz as director and they pick Humphrey Bogart for Rick, condemning Reagan to B-movie obscurity until he uses politics to revive his flagging career.  Mike Ward also fails to get the part of Rick, condemning him to a career in public relations until the Actor’s Workshop revives his flagging career.
April 1942 Hal Wallis gets Howard Koch to do some touching up work on the script to add youthfulness and agitprop.  Could this be too many cooks?  With hindsight – clearly not.  Meanwhile the shortlist for Ilsa is now Michele Morgan or Ingrid Bergman.  Michele would cost $55,000 whereas Ingrid was available on loan from Paramount for $25,000.  Ingrid gets the job.  US government recognises Free French administration in Equatorial Africa and swaps eight bombers for landing rights.  Mike Ward swaps eight gobstoppers for some cigarette cards with famous cricketers on them (one of them of course being Len Hutton).
May 1942 Dooley Wilson is signed up for Sam.  He cannot play piano but he is cheap.  Paul Henreid signs up for Victor’s role as long as he gets third billing above the title on the posters (no joke).  Conrad Veidt signs up to play Major Strasser – Veidt was a Jewish refugee who made an acting career out of playing evil Nazis. They start filming with the Paris flashback sequence.  A few days later, Claude Rains signs up as Renault, Sidney Greenstreet as Ferrari and Peter Lorre as Ugarte.
June/July 1942 Script famously still being rewritten during filing.  Later, Jack Warner was to use Casablanca as a case study on out of control scripts – there’s no pleasing some bosses.
August 1942 August 2, Mike Ward’s birthday.  August 3, last day of official filming on Casablanca. August 21 final bit of filming (new closing line).
November 1942 Operation Torch: Allied Forces land in North Africa (Algiers, Oran and 8 points along Moroccan coast).  Fighting ends after thousands of casualties.  Admiral Darlan announces himself “High Commissioner for North and West Africa” but it is hard to work out if he is now Vichy or Free French.  North African position now tense and ambiguous rather than just ambiguous.  Movie Casablanca premiers same month – that really was amazing timing.
December 1942 Admiral Darlan assassinated before anyone could work out whose side he was on. Mike Ward flees Keighley in both confusion and diapers.
January 1943 22nd – DeGaulle, Roosevelt and Churchill meet in Morocco to try and agree a carve up but DeGaulle and Roosevelt can’t get on with each other.

23rd –  Casablanca goes on general release in US – amazing timing yet again, Mr Warner.
May 1943 Unified Free French Government formed in North Africa.
January 1944 DeGaulle and Churchill meet in Marrakech – they don’t get on too well even without Roosevelt
March 1944 Casablanca wins 3 Oscars – Best Picture, Best Director and Best Screenplay
1983 British Film Institute votes Casablanca as best film ever.
June 1998 American Film Institute rates Casablanca second greatest American film of all time (look out next for Mike Ward’s “Citizen Kane, the Musical”)
August 2001 Mike Ward begins work on “Casablanca, the Musical”
September 2001 “Casablanca, the Musical” is done and dusted.

Deal Making

MIKE WARD:           Where are the goddamn programme notes you promised me?  We need to go to print tomorrow.

AIRPIECE:                Where’s the goddamn script.  I can’t write programme notes about a musical I haven’t read.

MIKE WARD:           It’s all done.  I’ll send it to you.

AIRPIECE:                When?

MIKE WARD:           When I’ve written the ending.  It’ll be a couple of days.

AIRPIECE:                I’ll need a couple of days after that.

MIKE WARD:           It’s a deal.

Echoes

The birth of Casablanca, the Musical has many echoes with the birth of the movie.  Last minute revision to the script is but one example.  Ingrid Bergman was selected for the movie because she was cheap, a sentiment that the Burgers of Halifax would no doubt endorse.  I was selected to write these programme notes for similar reasons; Lord Archer of Bulmarsh, who has some time on his hands, was in the frame but wanted a larger fee per word than me.

Apocryphally, the ending of the movie was in doubt right until the end of filming (much like a Mike Ward play), although some experts say that it was never in doubt that Victor and Ilsa were going to end up with each other.  Spin doctoring had been invented by 1942, so you can’t treat every Warner outpouring as gospel.  After all, they announced Ronald Reagan as the lead just before signing Bogart.  It is that sort of movie.  “Play it again Sam” is the most famous quote from the movie and it is not in the movie.  “Oh shit, I’ve dropped a table on my foot” will probably be the most famous quote from the musical, although not in the script, merely irritating noise offstage.  It is said that more has been written about Casablanca than about any other movie.  (The movie even has its own web site, Cyberblanca.com, to which I owe a debt of research gratitude.)  And oh boy do Mike Ward plays have more written about them in the programme notes than most plays.  But then, I am paid by the word, you know.

Finally, while tracing these echoes, I thought I’d research what had become of Murray Burnett who wrote the play “Everybody Comes to Rick’s” upon which Casablanca is based.  It is well known that he earned $20,000 for the play.  Less well known is the fact that he scratched out a living later as a screenwriter experiencing little success.  His later stage play projects, of which there were several, were never produced.  When Murray Burnett died in September 1997, his obituary in Classic Images misspelled his name as “Murray Bennett.”  “Mike Warred”, on the other hand, seems somehow to get all of his plays produced.  But no write up in Classic Images.  And no movie rights sales as yet.  Perhaps the plays are too long.

Professor Ivan Airpiece

Department of Forensic Cinematography,

The Fulbright University College of Keighley (F.U.C.K.)

Renault And Clouseau, Lyric Co-Written With David Seidel, Casablanca the Musical, Actor’s Workshop Halifax, 8 August 2001

This is one of the numbers for show Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

This one was more David Seidel than me. I edited David’s fine work on this one but he deserves most of the credit.

RENAULT AND CLOUSEAU VERSION 1.1

By David Seidel and Ian Harris – (based on “Five Guys Named Moe”)

 

CLOUSEAU:        Gonna tell you ‘bout our Chief of Police

RENAULT:           With a know-it-all of an accomplice

I’m Renault

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

RENAULT:           I’m in the know

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

CLOUSEAU:        I’m Clouseau

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

RENAULT:           He’s a real thick-o

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

They’re the suckers, They’re the suckers

Sucking up to Strasser!

Woe Woe Woe Woe Gestapo

 

CLOUSEAU:        He’s the greatest cop in town

Is he crooked, is he sound?

You wanna find out? Stick around

COMPANY:         Louis Renault

RENAULT:           I’ve a useless gadabout

A busybody with no clout

Gets onyer tits more than “Beadle’s About”

COMPANY:         Monsieur Clouseau

 

CLOUSEAU:        I pop out of nowhere

Interfere with everything

I’m the pest who knows what’s best

RENAULT:           At least that’s what he thinks!

 

CLOUSEAU:        His name is a brand of cars

RENAULT:          His bowels are irregular

BOTH:                   We both talk out of our arse.

COMPANY:         Like guys on blow!

 

RENAULT:           I’m Renault

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

RENAULT:           I’m in the know

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

CLOUSEAU:        I’m Clouseau

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

RENAULT:           He’s a real thick-o

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

LAZLO:                 I’m Lazlo

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

LAZLO:                 I’m Ilsa’s beau

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

WICK:                   I’m Wick – yo

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

WICK:                   I’m Ilsa’s beau

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

NAZIS:                  We’re Gestapo

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

NAZIS:                  Whaddya know?

COMPANY:         Doo dee a doo da

They’re the suckers, They’re the suckers

Clouseau and Renault!!

Here is a video of Five Guys Named Moe:

 

I Always Hurt the Ones I Con, Casablanca the Musical, Actor’s Workshop Halifax, 8 August 2001

This is one of the numbers I wrote for show Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

Mike Ward ended up writing a lot of business for the Lou Ferrari character desperately trying to upstage everyone else and get a slot in the show for his solo. Here is the lyric.

 I ALWAYS HURT THE ONES I CON

(Song to the Tune of “You Always Hurt the Ones You Love”)

 

LUIGI FERRARI – SOLO

 

VERSE 1

 

I always hurt the ones I con,

The ones I shouldn’t shaft at all;

I always take the greenest jerks,

And fleece ’em ‘til they’ve got naff all.

I always trick the desperate souls,

With a hasty scam I can’t recall;

So if I took your shirt last night,

It’s because I stuffed you most of all.

 

VERSE 2

 

I always stiff, the refugees,

Although I shouldn’t cheat and lie;

I always dupe the feeble toads,

Who are the weakest link, goodbye.

I always make the biggest bucks,

With a hasty hoax or quick disguise;

So if I skinned your hide last night,

It’s because I’m the most evil guy.

Here is a video of Paul Anka singing You Always Hurt The One You Love:

I’ve always liked the Spike Jones version of that song. Strangely, I found a vid with George Bettinger lip-synching the Spike Jones version. Coincidentally it has the Casablanca poster as a background. How weird is that?:

https://youtu.be/K45RTO7PDtU

Getting Drunk At Lou Ferrari’s, Casablanca the Musical, Actor’s Workshop Halifax, 8 August 2001

This is one of the numbers I wrote for Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

It was intended to be the first number used in the show – not quite an opening number but for sure a scene-setting number.

 GETTING DRUNK AT LOU FERRARI’S

(Song to the Tune of “Rum and Coca Cola”)

 

 

VERSE 1

 

If you’re in colonial Vichy France,

Meet your old flames just by happenstance,

Everybody else just comes to Wick’s,

But Ferrari’s an old dog with new tricks.

 

CHORUS 1

 

Getting drunk at Lou Ferrari’s,

On Coke and chilled Bacardis,

Papers, drugs and honeys,

Working for the funny money.

 

VERSE 2

 

Senior Ferrari is a git,

Full of invention, full of shit,

More Mister Nice Guy, no he ain’t,

Makes Jeffrey Archer seem a saint.

 

CHORUS 2

 

Getting stoned at Lou Ferrari’s,

On Coke and ganja brownies,

Papers, drugs and honeys,

Working for the funny money.

 

VERSE 3

 

Half way along the Greenstreet,

You’ll find his bar Pink Paraqueet,

Don’t ask for café or for latte,

Or you’ll end up as dead as poor Ugarte.

 

CHORUS 3

 

Getting bombed at Lou Ferrari’s,

Every night’s a party,

Papers, drugs and honeys,

Working for the funny money.

Here is the Andrew Sisters singing Rum & Coca Cola:

…or, if you prefer colour and movement, here are The Priester Sisters:

Mad Frogs And Englishmen – WW2 Resistance Version, Casablanca the Musical, Actor’s Workshop Halifax, 27 July 2001

This is one of the numbers I wrote for show Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

It is an adaptation of one of my most successful NewsRevue lyrics, Mad Frogs And Englishmen, which was about the Bosnian War. That will be Ogblogged in the fullness of time.

Anyway, here is the version for Casablanca The Musical:

 MAD FROGS AND ENGLISHMEN – WW2 RESISTANCE VERSION

(Song to the Tune of “Mad Dogs and Englishmen”)

VERSE 1

In Moroccan climbs these are torrid times these days,

Where Vichy generals conspire to hang around in strange attire;

This Second World War has the Nazi’s cause affray,

And any wise guy with a bar is not prepared to serve those la-di-das all day.

Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-tat – its just machine gun fire, ignore it, dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-dig-a-do;

We make Jerry irate and the Vichy hate our guts, cos we resistance types are definitely nuts.

CHORUS 1

Mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing Hun,

Norwegians didn’t care to, Italians wouldn’t dare to;

The loss via the cross fire cannot be described as fun

But French and English weirdos are heros;

In Marrakesh when getting fresh the Gaullists run amok,

Down in Sofi the Berber’s trophy is a Gestapo troop’s left bollock;

In Rabat, the bureaucrats ensure no more work gets done,

While mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing Hun.

CHORUS 2

Mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing Hun,

Morocco is a posting where Germans get a roasting,

The local blokes sell fancy smokes, so black, red and gold get done,

The Free French all say Oui for a reefer;

In Tangiers the local queers like Nazis in uniform,

In Meknes and also Fes they write code in cuneiform;

In Casablanca,

No Nazi wanker,

Will stop us from having fun,

So mad Frogs and Englishmen resist the advancing, pissed the advancing, hissed the advancing, kissed the advancing, missed the advancing, dissed the advancing, fist the advancing Hun.

Here is a vid of Noel Coward singing Mad Dogs and Englishmen