Category: Writing (my writing)

This was an attempt at a perennial silly summer holiday song for NewsRevue. I’m not sure it works, despite a few good lines. I’m pretty sure it didn’t get used in NewsRevue.

YOU ME AND JULIO DOWN BY THE SEASIDE
(To the Tune of “You Me And Julio Down By The School Yard”)

 

VERSE 1 – BOTH

We’re Sharon and Tracy, plan to get away,
Want to fly to the Costa Brava;
Gary got sloshed, so we borrowed his dosh,
Which started the whole ffff palaver.
It’s not against the law,
It’s not against the law,
A bit of fun and more,
That’s what we came ‘ere for.

VERSE 2

SHAZZA: Julio waits in the “Cafe Ole”,
So we ordered his huge paella,
TRACE: Shazza got laid, while muggings here paid,
And got a bleedin’ dose of salmonella
We’re well on our way,
We don’t know where we’re staying,
We’re well on our way,
We’ll ‘ave some fun while we sort it out;
Goodbye to Gary and Wayne back in Essex,
It’s you, me and Julio down by the seaside;
Screw you, me and Julio down by the seaside.

VERSE 3

In a couple of days, coppers took us away,
And the Spanish cells are not well nice;
The judge looked delighted when he had us extradited,
We was all over El Pais;
(TRACE: You was all over the bleedin police ‘n’ all
SHAZZA: Shut up you fat slag. You can bleedin’ talk)
We’re well on our way,
We’re flying back to England,
We’re well on our way,
Hopin’ Gary and Wayne don’t mind;
Goodbye to Julio and his Tapas on the ‘ouse
(SHAZZA: Tap us on the arse – ha ha
TRACE: Shut up you fat slag),
You, me, Wayne and Gary down home in Southend,
You, me, Wayne and Gary sloshed down in Southend,
Shaz, Trace, Wayne and Gary sloshed down in Southend – Ole.

Below is the official Paul Simon video of Me And Julio Down By the Schoolyard which I’d never seen before and is well worth the three minutes investment required.

Click here for the lyrics to Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard.

Ann Widdicombe was a high-profile Tory MP back in the 1990s. She did not get on well with the then home secretary and aspiring Tory leader, Michael Howard, if this lyric is to be understood. Writing this up in 2019, she is back in the news as a very Brexity person. 

WHEN YOU FALL OUT WITH THAT WIDDICOMBE WOMAN
(To the Tune of “When You’re In Love With a Beautiful Woman”)

VERSE 1 – MICHAEL HOWARD

When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, its hard,
When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, you know it’s hard,
(WIDDICOMBE AS CHORUS: your job is hard, but your knob’s not hard);
Everybody boos me,
No-one will choose me,
Nobody wants me for the top Tory post.

VERSE 2 – HOWARD

When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, watch your friends,
(WIDDICOMBE AS CHORUS: what’s a friend, you’ve never had a friend);
When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, it never ends,
(WIDDICOMBE CHORUS: this bloke’s the end, it’s known as Howard’s end);
She says I faked it,
Screwed up at Parkhurst,
{Everybody hangs up when I call on the phone},
{WIDDICOMBE: everybody hangs up when he calls on the phone};
When you hang out with that ghastly old woman, you go it alone.

MIDDLE EIGHT – HOWARD WITH MINY HOWID VOWILS

Maybe its just a legal problem,
People might still rally round my flag;
But they’re fair weather friends,
I’m a faint hearted candidate,
And every time she speaks out,
I want to kill that old bag.

VERSE 3 – WIDDICOMBE

When I speak out on that Parkhurst fiasco, watch his eyes,
(HOWARD: better watch my eyes, don’t want to catch her eye);
When he reposts on that Parkhurst fiasco, you should be looking for lies,
(HOWARD: I never tell a lie, I might save the odd truth for a rainy day);
You know that he’s crazy,
You cannot trust him,
BOTH: There is something of the night in this jerk,

(HOWARD: (aside) That’s why they call her Doris Karloff)

BOTH: Since we fell out with the people of Britain, we’re both out of work.

Below is a video of Dr Hook singing When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman with the lyrics on the screen:

I very much regret that no-one saw fit to give this lyric a go in NewsRevue. I know it isn’t exactly topical but feng-shui was all the rage that year.

I probably should have written the lyric with a particular type of plant pointing in a particular direction on my desk. My bad.

THAT’S FENG-SHUI
(To the Tune of “Whip Crack Away”)

IMPORTANT NOTICE: The phrase “Feng-Shui” is pronounced “Feng-shoe-way” (really)
OTHER IMPORTANT NOTICE: This song should only be sung facing North with the stage door at 45 degrees from the nearest staircase

VERSE 1

Well the Feng-Shui craze is at it all over the place,
That ancestor energy thing from the Chinese race;
Replace your bed,
And paint your lounge red;
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.

VERSE 2

Yes the Californians love Feng-Shui’s appliance,
It makes Scientology seem like pure science;
Replace your floor,
And move your front door,
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.

MIDDLE EIGHT

The Chinese are inclined,
To divine,
Where you need a fish tank;
In Hong Kong China lurks,
While the British –
Bank (or wank, take your pick)

VERSE 3

Yes, the Feng-Shui craze is rampant all over the hills,
Even Downing Street should really be rebuilt,
Relight your halls,
With spherical balls;
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.

This craze is all,
Such spherical balls;
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.
Crap Feng-Shui!!

Below is Doris Day singing The Deadwood Stage (Whip Crack Away):

Click here to see the lyrics of The Deadwood Stage (Whip Crack Away).

Back in 1997, the Taliban were not that well known and this story about their behaviour towards women was news in the West. Janie thought the story so awful she found it hard to believe that I could try and write a satirical lyric for NewsRevue about it. This lyric didn’t see the light of day until now.

TALIBAN
(To the Tune of “Carrie Anne”)

 

INTRO – CHORUS OF INFIDELS

Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Hey Taliban, hey Taliban.

VERSE 1 – A BEARDED BELIEVER (POSSIBLY A FEMALE CAST MEMBER)

In Afghanistan our laws are simple,
Men are the warriors, Women are all indoors;
New Shariah courts enforce this curfew,
What’s the attraction in what we’re doing?

CHORUS 1

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Let’s face east now, And everybody pray.

VERSE 2 – AN INFIDEL

You were always something special to me,
I got my bone up, You got all stoned up;
I attend the public executions,
Where are our women disappearing?

CHORUS 2

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Cover up now, And never show your face.

MIDDLE EIGHT – INFIDELS

(Examining the bearded believer)
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me),
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me).

CHORUS 3

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, close your girls schools, and hide your girls away?
INFIDELS: Afghanistan, you thought Russia, took liberties away.

OUTRO

ALL: Taliban, be a man, if you can, while Afghan, is Taliban!!

Below is The Hollies performing Carrie Anne:

Click this link to read the lyrics to Carrie Anne.