I don’t think I liked the idea of privatising high-security psychiatric Hospital Broadmoor
_ PRIVATISING BROADMOOR _
(To the Tune of “Lullaby of Broadway”)
CHORUS
MEDICS:Go on the streets and see the loons, We’re privatising Broadmoor; Releasing fruits and loony tunes, While privatising Broadmoor; Depressives under subway trains, And crazies driving taxis; So watch out for those red blood stains, On Rippers, Bates’ and Max’s.
VERSE
SOLO MEDIC:When a Broadmoor inmate says he’s well, He’s merely psychopathic; And once he’s out you soon will tell, He acts erratic.
OUTRO
(During the outro a “Horror Movie Crazy” enters with e.g. axe, bloodstains, general gothic gore) MEDICS:Goodbye, Crazies, Goodbye, The Tories are in power; Sleep tight, Ladies, Sleep tight, Just don’t take a shower; CRAZY:Mother!!!!!!!! MEDICS:We’ll get deep cuts privatising old Broadmoor. CRAZY:Hi, honey, I’m home!!!!!
Below is The Andrew Sisters singing The Lullaby Of Broadway with lyrics on the screen:
Below is Winifred Shaw singing Lullaby Of Broadway in the original version of the song, from Gold Diggers of 1935:
Ben Murphy 12 July 1994 [address redacted] Wells Somerset
Dear Ben
SONGS
As promised, Ben, here are those new songs. Hope you can use them. I think the Camilla one is easily adaptable into a solo. Possibly also the Jeffrey and Virginia ones.
Looking forward to receiving the tapes soon. (And subsequently also some dosh from the tapes also!!)
I really like this mini medley – really complex rhymes but I think they work and have humour.
I think it was used a fair bit – Jeffrey Archer was rarely out of the news.
JEFFREY ARCHER MEDLEY
(To the Tunes of “We’re in the Money” and “I Say a Little Prayer For You”)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER
CHORUS: He’s Jeffrey Archer, he’s Jeffrey Archer,
He’s in the grot but not with spots posterior;
He’ll lose his money, he’ll lose his money,
This Lord, assured a fraud and cheated Anglia.
JEFFREY: Oh, I wanted to be Chairman, of the square men with clout,
With DTI inspection on reflection its beyond all doubt.
CHORUS: He’s in the do-do, he’s in deep do-do,
His title’s stifled it’s an honour amongst thieves.
I BUY A LITTLE SHARE OR TWO
JEFFREY: The moment I wake up, I think of some lie to make up,
Then buy a little share or two;
MARY: He’s most unappealing, cos he’s been insider dealing,
And had the odd affair or two.
JEFFREY: I’m wary that Mary has stuck by my side throughout my troubles,
MARY: His fiction caused friction, but I’m worth a pile and he’s worth double,
JEFFREY: I’m flagrant,
MARY: I’m fragrant,
BOTH: But in a short while we’ll be uncoupled,
JEFFREY: Which means back to harlots for me. (Jeffrey starts to spruce himself up)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER (REPRISE)
JEFFREY: I’m Jeffrey Archer, I’m Jeffrey Archer,
I’ve got a lot of what they call insider shares;
CHORUS: He’s in Armani, he’s in Armani,
He’s rich and kitsch some bitch can handle his affairs;
JEFFREY: Oh I am a model Tory, seeking glory and fame,
As I have lots of gall I shall frame a fall guy for the blame;
CHORUS: He’s in the Torys, he’s in the Torys,
He’s got a lot of what it takes to be let off.
Here is We’re In the Money, 42nd Street Style. with the original lyrics:
Here is Ginger Rogers doing We’re In The Money from Gold Diggers of 1933:
…and here is Aretha singing I Say A Little Prayer For You, with lyrics on screen:
I wrote a minor update 9 January 1995, which I think helped this medley back into the show:
JEFFREY ARCHER MEDLEY – VERSION 2
(To the Tunes of “We’re in the Money” and “I Say a Little Prayer For You”)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER
CHORUS: He’s Jeffrey Archer, he’s Jeffrey Archer,
He’s in the grot but not with spots posterior;
He’ll lose his money, he’ll lose his money,
This Lord, assured a fraud and cheated Anglia.
JEFFREY: Oh, I wanted to be Chairman, of the square men with clout,
With DTI inspection on reflection its beyond all doubt.
CHORUS: He’s in the do-do, he’s in deep do-do,
His title’s stifled it’s an honour amongst thieves.
I BUY A LITTLE SHARE OR TWO
JEFFREY: The moment I wake up, I think of some lie to make up,
Then buy a little share or two;
MARY: He’s most unappealing, cos he’s been insider dealing,
And had the odd affair or two.
JEFFREY: I’m wary that Mary has stuck by my side throughout my troubles,
MARY: His fiction caused friction, but I’m worth a pile and he’s worth double,
JEFFREY: I’m flagrant,
MARY: I’m fragrant,
BOTH: But in a short while we’ll be uncoupled,
JEFFREY: Which means back to fast cars for me. (Jeffrey swerves, Mary stops him from falling)
HE’S JEFFREY ARCHER (REPRISE)
JEFFREY: I’m Jeffrey Archer, I’m Jeffrey Archer,
I’ve got a lot of what they call insider shares;
CHORUS: He’s in Armani, he’s in Armani,
He’s rich and kitsch that bitch can handle his affairs;
JEFFREY: Oh I am a model Tory, seeking glory not jail,
As I have lots of cash I shall crash my car and tell the tale;
CHORUS: He’s in the Torys, he’s in the Torys,
He’s got a lot of what it takes to be let off.
The first leader of North Korea, Kim Il-sung, died a couple of days before I wrote this lyric. The lyric did not do very well in NewsRevue. North Korea didn’t do very well either, with or without Mr Kim.
_ KIM’S ILL SON _
(To the Tune of “Sing”)
VERSE 1
Kim, Kim Il Sung, Now he’s dead, smells like dung; This Great Leader was bad, North Korea’s still sad. Kim, Kim Il Sung, Was a pimple, on the world’s atomic bum; That dull old git Jimmy Carter must, Bore everyone he sees stiff, Like Kim, Kim Il Sung.
CHORUS 1
La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la; La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la;
VERSE 2
Kim, Kim’s ill son, He is simple, just has fun; Countless women he’s had, Wild hair makes him look mad; Kim, Kim Jong Il, Takes his concubines, and puts them on the pill; Don’t worry if he’s not good enough, For anywhere but Korea, He’s Kim, Kim’s ill son.
CHORUS 2
La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la; La, la la la la; la la, la la la la: la la la, la la la la;
OUTRO
Just worry when dangerous lunatics are able to drop the bomb, Like Kim, Kim’s ill son.
Below is a video of he Carpenters singing Sing A Song with the lyrics on the screen:
Written in July 1994, revived in October 1994, I’m unsure how well this did in the show, I’m pretty sure I saw it performed.
I rather like it.
In those days, of course, no-one knew that Camilla would emerge as Chuck’s other half – she was perceived as his bit on the side back then.
CAMILLA
(To the Tune of “Diana”)
VERSE 1 – CHARLES SOLO
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah,
Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah;
CHARLES: I’ll be King and you’ll be Queen,
‘Tho folk don’t know where we’ve been;
I don’t care when press berate,
I shall never abdicate;
There’s always adultery,
In the British monarchy,
Oh please rule with me……..Camilla.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Camilla enters during this)
VERSE 2
CAMILLA: Then the press gave us lots of stick,
Over where you dip your wick;
When we ride a cross country course…
CHARLES: …I confuse you with my horse;
She’s so young and you’re so old,
But I have been Parker-bowled;
CAMILLA: Please don’t match me with Diana.
CHORUS: Wah, wag-wag-wah, wag-wah-wah, wah-wah; (Queen & Philip enter during this)
MIDDLE EIGHT
QUEEN: Stupid Charlie,
CHARLES: Sorry mother,
QUEEN: Don’t let on you have a lover;
Take a tip from dad and me,
BOTH You just don’t talk to Dimbleby. (PHILIP: You’re a bloody wimp, boy!)
VERSE 3
CHARLES: I still find Diana duller,
QUEEN: Camilla is no water-colour;
PHILIP: She looks like my old dog Rover,
QUEEN: But Charles had her three times over;
CHARLES: I’ll go ruin an architect,
QUEEN: You command naff-all respect;
CAMILLA: Oh please God spare me the Windsors. (EITHER: blackout….
OR: Queen, Philip and Charles, incredulous at this outburst, hound Camilla off the stage).
Here is Paul Anka singing Diana – you need to click through to read the original lyrics underneath the YouTube:
As promised, I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack consists of a few new songs with longevity, and the older ones I think might have a shot at Edinburgh. They are virtually all this years songs with success plus shelf life. I have also included “Yasser” which was too late for Edinburgh last year and seems to be back in the news now.
…”can you write a different one along similar lines?”…
…which I could do, of course. I even quite like this one, which focuses on the health secretary, Virginia Bottomley:
_ VIRGINIA _
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1
DOCTORS:Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts, You’re closing more hospitals daily; Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues, We’re begging you please, do not close, PATIENT:Do not close.
VERSE 1
A DOCTOR:Doing sums from dawn till night, While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight; (DOCTORS:….doing sums…..) PATIENT:I got up cos I got bored, But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.
CHORUS 2
DOCTORS:Virginia, we’re only two star, You’re shaking our confidence daily; PATIENT:Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees, My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn. DOCTORS:Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
CHORUS 3
DOCTORS:Jubilation, we’re three star again, We do all our work in out patients; PATIENT:Ruination, I won’t walk again, They do all their work without patients. (Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)
Below is a video of Simon & Garfunkel singing Cecilia with the lyrics on the screen:
A couple of new ones. The only recording I have of Flintstones is a great pastiche in the style of Bruce Springsteen. It’s a shame we don’t have a saxophonist! Hope you like the songs.
A couple of rewrites and a couple of new ones. The only recording I have of Flintstones is a great pastiche in the style of Bruce Springsteen. It’s a shame we don’t have a saxophonist! Hope you like the songs.
I had previously done a lyric to It’s Good News Week on the theme of slow news. Now I was trying one on the theme of cheap news – i.e. a price war between the papers. I’m not sure if this version was used.
_ IT’S CHEAP NEWS WEEK _
(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
VERSE 1 It’s cheap news week, Telegraph’s just 30p, The price still seems too much for me, It’s such an awful read; It’s cheap news week, Times is down to 20p, I wouldn’t take it if it’s free, They’ll cut price till they bleed.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Have you read the news? What has it told? Media price wars, Independent’s bound to fold, (Guardian has caught a cold).
VERSE 2
It’s slow news week, Papers only talk about, The price wars that they fought about, On front page and on back; It’s piss poor weak, Customers will soon be thrashed, When all they’ve got is Murdoch’s trash, And crap from Conrad Black… We want our papers back, So give these shits the sack.
