Writing (my writing) – Page 48

Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, NewsRevue Lyric And Ben Murphy Recording, 1 January 1994

My burst of creative energy over that seasonal break continued into the early days of 1994.

This lyric, about the Serbian wars, is the only item from my paltry song thought jottings in China, Hong Kong and Bali to make it to an actual lyric.

Quite a good one, though, which i think did well in NewsRevue and for sure did well for Ben Murphy who recorded it.

_ SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF _
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)

VERSE 1

Where’ve the Balkans gone?{Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan{Mr Slobidan}, Yugoslavians {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.

CHORUS 1

Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.

VERSE 2

Where are Bosnians?{Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan {Mr Radovan} Brutal Serbian {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.

CHORUS 2

Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.

VERSE 3

Still the war goes on{Still the war goes on}
Greater Serbian {Greater Serbian} Strike Albanians {Strike Albanians}
Far far away, Kosovo way.

CHORUS 3

Last year the Kosovans were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Below is Ben Murphy’s recording of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief.

Below is a video of Middle Of The Road singing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, with the lyrics, such as they are, on the screen.

In the summer of 1995 I wrote an update of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief which I think revived the lyric in NewsRevue for several weeks:

SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF – SUMMER 1995 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)
VERSE 1
Where’ve the Balkans gone? {Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan {Mr Slobidan}, Yugoslavians {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.
CHORUS 1
Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.
VERSE 2
Where are Bosnians? {Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan {Mr Radovan} Brutal Serbian {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.
CHORUS 2
Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.
VERSE 3
Where is UNPROFOR? {Where is UNPROFOR?}
In this brutal war {In this brutal war} Saving weak and poor? {Save the weak & poor?}
No bloody way, no bloody way.
CHORUS 3
Last year the Bosnians were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Mr Ghali, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 31 December 1993

The Mr Blobby Song was an unlikely Christmas hit in 1993. It made me think of Mr Boutros Botros-Ghali, who was Secretary-General of the UN at that time.

Some good lines, but I don’t think this one ever made the cut for the show.

_ MR GHALI _

(To the Tune of “Mr Blobby”)

CHORUS 1

Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, if you could make your resolutions stand;
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, the UN would spread peace throughout the land.
Lets hear it for Mr Ghali {Boutros Boutros Ghali}

VERSE 1

His political connections are untrue,
So as far as we can see,
He’s as weak as a gnat’s pee,
There’s nothing in the world that he can do.{Mr Ghali}

MIDDLE BIT

No UN force could change the course, in Lebanon or in Saigon;
Its gone to far in Myanmar, perhaps next year save Khampuchia;
He’s not the man to free Sudan, he’s much too minor to better China;
He’s no design for Palestine, he sure lacks the knack to jack the flack.

CHORUS 2

Ghali oh Mr Ghali, when disaster strikes you never get depressed,
Bengalis and Somalis, know you’re a failure ‘tho’ you do your best.

VERSE 2

Ghali’s General Assembly is a mess,
His political initiative’s worthless;
And because of limitations in the poor United Nations,
Millions of refugees have no address.{Boutros Boutros Ghali}

CHORUS 3

Ghali, Mr Ghali, your job is to spread peace throughout the earth,
Ghali, Boutros Ghali, you must be paid far more than you are worth;
Ghali, oh Mr Ghali, humanity needs diplomatic skill,
Ghali, Boutros Ghali, if you don’t stop the bloodshed then who will?

In July 1996 I tried again with this lyric, replacing the last line of the middle eight with:

He’s no design for Palestine, take Clinton’s woid “you’re unemployed”.

Below is the Mr Blobby Song & Video:

If you want to read the lyrics to the Mr Blobby Song, click here.

Russian Shock, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 December 1993

This lyric did well in NewsRevue early in 1994 if I remember correctly.

Writing more than 25 years later, in 2019, this ultra-Nationalistic Vladimir Zhirinovsky character is still hanging around in Russian politics, it seems…

…April 2022 Update: The old git has snuffed it.

Headline Photo by A. Sdobnikov, CC BY 3.0

The reference to Liberal Democrats in the Isle of Dogs was related to a local election saga in the autumn of 1993 – click here.

_ RUSSIAN SHOCK _

(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)

The song should be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).

INTRO

Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:

VERSE 1

Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.

CHORUS 1

Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again,
Oi!!

In May 1996 I wrote an update of the above lyric:

RUSSIAN SHOCK – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Casatchok”)
The song should possibly be performed more in the style of Oi (Skinhead Ska) than Oy (Jewish wedding).
INTRO
Russian Shock,
Fascist yobs,
Isle of Dogs,
One two three:
VERSE 1
Vladimir Wolfovich Zhirinovsky,
Makes it clear,
That he hates Jews and wogs,
But still his fascist mob say they’re Liberal Democratic,
Like fanatics,
In the Isle of Dogs;
And as the Russian voters are not used to choosing,
They’ll be losing,
With these violent yobs.
CHORUS 1
Vladimir will try to annex Poland,
Vladimir will annex the Ukraine,
Vladimir will have a go at Finland,
Then he’ll try and annex Poland once again;
We could vote Gennady Zyuganov,
Old style Commie, probably insane,
We could vote Yavlinsky from Yabloko,
Maybe stick with Boris Yeltsin once again,
Oi!!

Below is Dimitri Dourakine’s recording of Casatschok with a suitable miltary dancing video. No lyrics, as there aren’t any, really. Just the occasional “oy”. Or do I mean “oi”?

A Submission To Private Eye’s I-Spy Column, 28 December 1993

Clearly I had time on my hands that Twixtmas, not that the period between Christmas and New Year was thus named yet in 1993.

No doubt Daisy and I had been going through our holiday photos then and no doubt this one from Hong Kong seemed a good candidate for Private Eye.

I cannot recall whether or not they used it – I do know from memory that Private Eye did publish a couple of my occasional submissions over the years.

The Editor 28 December 1993
I-Spy Column, Private Eye
6 Carlisle Street
London
W1V 5RG

Dear Sir

HANG TAT

I enclose a recent photo I have taken of an art shop in Hollywood Road, Hong Kong. I have the negative, so if you would prefer that let me know.

I also enclose a stamped addressed envelope for you to return the photo.

Yours faithfully

Ian Harris

encs

A Letter To Bill Dare At Spitting Image Re Brian Hilling’s Correspondence, 28 December 1993

Following up on the unexpected contact I’d had from Brian Hilling of Spitting Image…

A Letter To Brian Hilling At Spitting Image Re NewsRevue Lyric, “Domestic Fuel”, 28 December 1993

…I also wrote to Bill Dare:

Bill Dare 28 December 1993
Spitting Image
17-19 Plumber’s Row
London
E1 1EQ

Dear Bill

SONGS

I am writing on the advice of puppeteer Brian Hilling, who saw the enclosed song “Domestic Fuel” in News Revue and took a shine to it.

I have written a great deal for News Revue since your Giles Pilbrow kindly put me in touch with them many moons ago. Spitting Image gave me a great deal of encouragement in my early days of writing, and I feel that I have been somewhat remiss in losing touch with you.

I have now built up a large portfolio of material and would like to meet with you to explore possibilities of using or adapting my material to suit your needs.

Yours sincerely

Ian Harris

enc

cc:Brian Hilling

Nothing came of it, meeting-wise. I’m not sure I even got a reply, but I do have a file of incoming correspondence, including some from Spitting Image, which absolutely needs to be trawled and scanned at some point.

A Letter To Brian Hilling At Spitting Image Re NewsRevue Lyric, “Domestic Fuel”, 28 December 1993

I don’t recall receiving a call from Brian Hilling of Spitting Image regarding Domestic Fuel…

Domestic Fuel, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 May 1993

…but it must have happened, otherwise I wouldn’t have written the following letter:

Brian Hilling 28 December 1993
Spitting Image
17-19 Plumber’s Row
London
E1 1EQ

Dear Brian

DOMESTIC FUEL

Thank you so much for taking an interest in “Domestic Fuel” and for your call. I enclose a copy of the letter I have written to Bill plus a copy of the song for good measure.

Please do not hesitate to heap praise on my work and leave me messages of encouragement whenever you wish.

Yours sincerely

Ian Harris

encs

Medley From Hell, Meatloaf-Style NewsRevue Lyric, 24 December 1993

[christopher simon [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]

I suppose I was hellish busy on return from our four-week trip to China, Hong Kong & Bali, so I didn’t write any humour for more than 10 days after my return.

But over that Christmas break I had a rich flowering of creative energy for NewsRevue, the first of which was this medley lyric, written on Christmas Eve.

The central conceit of it as topical humour was a news item I read that said that Meatloaf was drinking his own urine on his doctor’s advice to help his voice. Yet that specific aspect plays only a small part of the medley.

This lyric ran long in the show and in more than one format. My abiding memory has the great Paul Cawley singing the lead, but several performers capable of delivering belters did it justice.

_ MEDLEY FROM HELL _
(A Meatloaf Mini Opera)

There is nothing a director could do to desecrate this piece. Motorcycles, blood and Gothic monstrosities would all be welcomed by the author.

NEIGHBOURS FROM HELL 1
(To the Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell”)

(Chorus or single voice other than Meatloaf sings)
He was born down in Texas many decades ago and his parents called him Marvin Aday,
But he said he would sooner change his name to Meatloaf because he eats a hundred burgers a day; He was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and he took it for three hundred quid,
He was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie,
(Enter Meatloaf outrageously, singing..)
But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;

(Now Meatloaf sings and Chorus hums refrain {sic})
But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose,
So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce;
And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well,
But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain,
Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.

(Chorus sings gleefully)
And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes,
Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums,
And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes,
So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon;
(Meatloaf sings mournfully)
But as I’ve sung so loud since the early seventies, I’m losing my voice too soon.

I PUT MY URINE INTO MY MOUTH
(To The Tune of “You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth”

And so I put my urine into my mouth,
Think my doctor must have took the piss;
I put my urine into my mouth,
Cos the doctor swore that it just about might save my volume,
CHORUS:volume,
And so I put my urine into my mouth,
CHORUS:think his doctor must have took the piss,
I put my urine into my mouth……..

I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR CASH
(To the Tune of “I Would Do Anything For Love”)

……Cos I would do anything for slush,
Yes I would do anything for dosh,
Yes I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t lose fat,
No I won’t lose fat.

FATTER THAN HELL II
(To another bit of the tune “Bat Out Of Hell”)

So now I’m fatter than hell,
And now my stomach has swelled,
And my bladder as well.

Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS: like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented),
Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS: like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented).
And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!

Below is Bat Out Of Hell by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the lyrics don’t even start until 1’55”

Below is You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the relevant “took the words right out of my mouth” ones don’t come up until 2’05”

Below is the official video for I Would Do Anything For Love by Meatloaf, which gives the motorcycles and Gothic feel, which is probably more useful than the lyrics for this one:

In early 1994, I rewrote a scaled down solo version of this piece, with just the “Fatter Than Hell” refrain. Probably on request. I think both versions were used at one time or another:

_ FATTER THAN HELL _
(A Meatloaf Monstorosity To The Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell)

VERSE 1

I was born down in Texas many decades ago and my parents called me Marvin Aday,
But I said I would sooner change my name to Meatloaf because I eat a hundred burgers a day;
I was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and I took it for three hundred quid,
I was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie,
But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;

VERSE 2

But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose,
So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce;
And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well,
But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain,
Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.

CHORUS

And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes,
Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums,
And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes,
So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon;
But I’ve been eating so much since the early seventies, inflating like a balloon……

FINALE

So now I’m fatter than hell,
And now my stomach has swelled,
And my bladder as well.

Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS: like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented),
Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS: like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented).
And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!

The Origins Of Ged & Daisy, Bali, c10 December 1993

At some point during our stay in Bali, in December 1993, Ged and Daisy “arrived”.

In fact, the first of our characters to arrive were The Clanricardes – Hugo, who is the Marquis of Clanricarde and his wife, Celia, the Marchioness. Lord & Lady C seemed to find the heat and the dust of the tropics terribly, terribly tiresome. They were barely able to find the energy to call upon the servants to do their bidding for them…not that there was much bidding to do, given that they were all on holiday in a hotel.

The Clanricarde’s servants, Ged and Daisy, emerged towards the end of our stay in Bali. Sweet and simple both, Ged and Daisy are a very willing pair…although perhaps more willing towards each other than towards Lord & Lady C. In truth, Ged and Daisy turned out to be quite bolshy towards The Clanricardes, somehow ensuring that the choicest privileges accrued to themselves, while Lord & Lady C had to make do with the lesser pickings.

Ged and Daisy, perennially 20 years old, remained pretty much a private matter for many years…

…until my involvement started with the Middlesex Till We Die website, around 2004, when I decided that Ged should represent my less serious side as a web presence.

Writing under Ged’s name was also supposed to help keep my genuine identity a mystery to most people around Lord’s and Middlesex. But it is hard to be a nom de plume laden, international man of mystery, when someone like Vinny Codrington, the Chief Executive of Middlesex at the time, would holler, “hello Ged” at the top of his voice whenever he saw me.

Then when Facebook came along, it seemed to make sense as a medium for keeping in touch with younger people, such as the nephews and nieces (remember when Facebook was for younger people?), so it only seemed right in those early days for their Facebook friends to be similarly young and less obviously their uncle.

As a budding writer, the “20 year old Ged” needed an image which, in the tradition of writers’ images, was taken a few years earlier. Hence this “16 going on 17” image, which became Ged Ladd’s avatar.

On Facebook, for many years, Ged seemed able to remain 20 on-line in the same way as he remained 20 by assertion in the real world. In 2007, when Ged started on Facebook, he claimed to have been born in 1987. For several years, on his birthday, he rolled his birth date forward a year, so he remained 20. Facebook would ask the occasional “are you sure?” type question, but would always allow the roll…until 2014, when Facebook refused to allow Ged to roll forward the year. An error message solemnly decreed that Ged Ladd had changed his birth year at least three times and that he needed to write an explanation to Facebook Central to get permission if he wanted to change the year again.

So Ged’s Facebook birth year has remained 1993 since 2013. How did those Facebook people know that the character Ged Ladd really was “born”, in 1993. Those Facebook algorithms must be truly remarkable.

Subsequently, of course, Ged’s Facebook presence has fallen into decline. It is mostly on cricket websites such as King Cricket and such places that the nom de plume Ged Ladd persists.

Meanwhile the sugary icons that are Ged and Daisy (see top photo and again below) entered our lives atop my birthday cake in 2012 and certainly represent what is left of the sweet side of our natures, 25 years on and counting.

China, Hong Kong & Bali Trip – Song Thoughts, 9 December 1993

If I thought that a long holiday would bring a rush of creativity to my comedy lyric writing career at NewsRevue, clearly I was mistaken. Best part of four weeks and this is all he wrote, folks:

Publishing All About Quo, NewsRevue Lyric, 14 November 1993

Perhaps the most noteworthy thing about this lyric is the date in my log for the writing of it; 14 November 1993.

That was the day Janie and I set off for our four week journey to China, Hong Kong and Bali. I must have rattled off this lyric and dropped it at the Canal Cafe on my way out to Janie’s place ahead of going to the airport.

It’s a self-explanatory lyric, I think, about the perennial rock band Status Quo.

There are some good lines – if nothing else, I think my mention of Shakespeare and iambic pentameter in the context of Quo deserves a medal for chutzpah.

_ PUBLISHING ALL ABOUT QUO _

(To the Tune of “Rocking All Over the World”)

VERSE 1

Oh here they are, yes here they are,
Oh take a look;
Status Quo have gone and written a book,
On the hook,
Publishing all about Quo.

Oh here they are yes here they are,
The tearaways;
Write three words and then copy the phrase,
Seven ways,
Just like the records from Quo.

CHORUS 1

And the writing, the writing, the writing, the writing,
Is not too exciting,
Really not worth fighting for,
Publishing all about Quo.

VERSE 2

We dread to think the money that the Quo makes here,
Write a sentence and they think that their gear,
Is Shakespeare,
Literally all about Quo.

CHORUS 2

It’s iambic, iambic, iambic, iambic,
Iambic pentameter,
But critics slam it a-go-go,
Knocking all of Status Quo
(Chords indicate that the song is over)
It’s not over, not over, not over, not over,
The song wasn’t over,
Although they’re over the hill,
Rocking all over the hill.
(Chords indicate that the song is over again – this could continue ad nauseam)

Below is Status Quo singing Rockin All Over The World with the lyrics on the screen:

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