Ben Murphy must have asked for material along these lines and I must have written this. Reading between the lines, he was playing Baron Hardup in Rhyl. This short set is a mish mosh of:
- one or two of my better lyrics (e.g. Better Face, which had been a hit in NewsRevue and which Ben had recorded that summer);
- some ill-formed stuff that had been sitting in my head or on my jotter;
- one or two new thoughts that popped into my head.
I don’t think anyone will be telling their grandchildren about this one.
_ PANTO ACT _
(Ian’s wierd attempt to write panto material)
SHAGGY BARON (Ugly Duckling)
There once was a shaggy Baron,
With whiskers all stubbly and grey;
And the audience,
Yelled “Ben you are dense,
But find a song to play.
Sing a song,
Sing sing a song,
Sing sing a song today.”
[Perhaps insist that children yell the sing sing stuff and refuse to continue until they have done so loud enough etc]
FILLER 1
Oh alright then. As you asked so nicely. The only thing is, I am a very poor Baron. Baron Hardup. So I have to travel all over the country singing nasty songs to try to scrape a living. Do you mind if I sing you nasty songs? Really? Are you sure? See if you can work out who I am now.
BETTER FACE (Heal The World)
There’s a mug that you see on your TV frequently,
‘Though I look differently I’m Michael Jackson;
It may be a surprise ‘cos you may not recognise,
The new bits that my plastic surgeon tacks on.
I may have a face lift, a nose job or a skin shift,
To have a better face and a different race.
Every year, I’m gonna have a better face,
Both my eyes and my nose will be in a different place;
Now my cheeks need grouting,
And my lips have been fixed pouting,
It’s the strangest face that you’ve ever seen.
FILLER 2
I like children. Really I do. Hey kids; what’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Kids, you’ll have to sing along to the next song. Here we go.
IF I HAD A STAMMER (If I had a hammer)
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a stammer,
I’d stammer in the morning,
I’d s s s s s s;
FILLER 3
This next one’s a slower number for all you parents out there.
MARIO (Maria)
Mario, I’ve just bought my kids a Nintendo,
And suddenly that game, seems boring and seems tame, to them;
Mario, I am singing this in the wrong key-o,
And suddenly each note, is catching in my throat badly;
Mario, in one day my kids clocked your new meter,
Now they’re bored sitting watching Blue Peter;
Mario, how I wish that your upgrades were free-o.
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (Nellie the Elephant)
Sonic the hedgehog has packed his punch,
And made a pile for the Sega,
Off he goes with a jumpety jump jump jump jump.
FILLER 4
Do you like Take That? I can’t hear you. Do you like Take That? Pardon? etc
TAKE THAT FANS PANTO (Teddy Bear’s Picinic)
If you go down to the pantomime you’re in for a big surprise,
If you go down to the pantomime you’d better go in disguise;
For every kid that’s sitting in Rhyl,
Is sure Take That are totally brill,
Today’s the day the Take That fans go to panto.
IT ONLY TOOK FIVE MINUTES KIDS (It only took a minute girl)
It only took five minutes, kids,
To write this act,
And gosh it shows,
It only took five minutes kids…..
Goodnight!!
Below is Danny Kaye singing the Ugly Duckling Song with lyrics on the screen:
Below is the song Maria with lyrics on screen:
Below is Mandy Miller singing Nellie The Elephant:
This link shows the lyrics to Nellie the Elephant.
Below is It Only Takes A Minute sung by Take That! with lyrics on the screen.