Category: Writing (my writing)

I can only assume that this lyric was triggered by some silly news story about men being exploited by the fashion industry.

I don’t think it was used but it does have one or two good lines in it.

                                                   _ PENIS IN BLUE JEANS _

                                (To the Tune of “Venus in Blue Jeans”)
 
INTRO – MELVYN BRAGG
 
Good evening and welcome to the South Bank Show.  Politics and the performing arts.  Tonight we welcome Ivor Tripod.  Through his songs, Ivor argues that performers are exploited by powerful, faceless corporations.  His first song tonight is a scathing polemic about the exploitation of men by the denim trouser industry.
 
(Enter female chorus)La la, la la la, la la la la, la la;
(Enter well endowed male singer) La da, da de da, da de de da, dee dum;
 
VERSE 1
 
My penis in blue jeans,
Macho Levis with a pony tail;
See the action in your swimming pools,
Of my cue and snooker balls.
 
VERSE 2
 
My Penis in blue jeans,
Outlined in a range of underwear;
Denim Wranglers can’t prevent the pain,
When horse-dragged cross the plain.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
There’s more than seven wonders in the world,
Because my friend is number eight;
To keep my golden wonder neatly curled,
I must not masturbate…
 
VERSE 3
 
…my Penis in blue jeans,
Is a massively uplifting sight;
My pitch increases more and more,
(strains for the last few notes) These jeans are much too tight.

Below is Mark Wynter singing Venus In Blue Jeans with the lyrics on the screen:

Tough topic to try to cover, this and I’m not too sure what point I was trying to make or what news story triggered it. Presumably some confusion at a major university somewhere over what to do about drunken students who didn’t know what they had done, with whom and/or how consensual whatever it was might have been.

Mercifully, I don’t think the lyric was used.

_ RAPING DRUNKS IS HARD TO DO _

(To the Tune of “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do”)

INTRO/BACKING REFRAIN THROUGHOUT – COLLEGE DONS

Clear the college town too-tee-too town town,

Send the buggers down doo-dee-doo down down,

Wear a silly gown goo-gee-goo gown gown,

Raping drunks is hard to do.

VERSE 1 – THE BOY

They say our love was not p.c.,

When we were at University;

You’re a girl that I once knew,

For taking pot and sniffing glue.

VERSE 2 – THE GIRL

Remember when we got so tight,

I stayed with you all through the night;

Can’t recall what I went through,

But waking up was hard to do.

MIDDLE BIT – ALTERNATELY

BOY:You know that making love is hard to do,

GIRL:When you’re both as pissed as a newt;

BOY:(looks down) Don’t say that this is me end,

GIRL:Instead of making love I think we may be throwing up again.

VERSE 3 – THE BOY

I beg of U-niversity,

Please don’t add to my adversity,

College court’s a kangaroo,

Cos raping drunks is hard to prove.

OUTRO – COLLEGE DONS

Clear the college town too-tee-too town town,

Send the buggers down doo-dee-doo down down,

Wear a silly gown goo-gee-goo gown gown,

Raping drunks is hard to do.

Below is a video of Neil Sedaka singing Breaking Up Is Hard To Do with the lyrics on the screen:

I wrote this one for Jonathan Linsley’s Christmas run, possibly at his request. I disappeared to China for most of that run so I’m not 100% sure if it was used, but I think it was.

   _ 1993 OH WHAT A YEAR _

 (To the Tune of “December 63, Oh What A Night”)

VERSE 1

Oh what a year, let’s remember 1993;

Little green shoots of recovery,

What an outturn, what a year.

Oh what a year, ‘tho’ John Major didn’t get the sack;

Barmy bastards stabbed him in the back,

What a leader, what a year.

MIDDLE BIT 1

Lamont, caused a huge sensation when he taxed domestic fuel;

Got sacked, but the poor and feeble will still keep cool.

VERSE 2

Oh what a year, England lost at almost every sport;

Could Frank Bruno knock out Nigel Short?

What heroics, what a year.

OTHER TYPE OF MIDDLY TWIDDLY BIT

The Firm exposed Tom Cruise yet more than in Days of Thunder;

Ken Branagh’s Much Ado made everyone want to chunder.

VERSE 3

Oh what a year, Grease and Hair were the revival fads,

Must be due to those old Brylcream ads,

What a retro of a year.

Oh what a year, General Aideed was the yob at issue,

So Bill Clinton blew up Mogadishu,

What a fighter, what a year.

MIDDLE BIT 2

Bosnia, spent the whole year fighting ‘tho’ the Vance-Owen plan;

Was near, to solving this long pain deep in the Balkans. (Male singer holds balls)

VERSE 4

(Male singer falsetto) Oh what a year!

Let’s remember 1993,

We’ll review the year satirically,

“Best Of News Revue” is here!!

Below is Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons singing Oh What A Night with the lyrics on’t screen:

Not only am I pretty sure this one wasn’t used, I’m not even sure it was ever submitted. It isn’t even recorded on my log – just the electronic file sitting in my 1993 creative folder. I’m guessing that I decided that the subject matter was simply too grim for comedy.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali was the Secretary General of the United Nations at the time. Aidid (Aideed) was a Somalian warlord.

_ THE SOMALIA MINI OPERA _

(A medley using a range of seemingly unconnected tunes)
 
BOUTROS BOUTROS
(To the Tune of “Stupid Cupid”)
 
Boutros Boutros you’re a real mean guy,{Boutros Boutros}
Your troops in Mogadishu wish you’d die;{Boutros Boutros}
You try to harmonise relations,{Boutros Boutros}
By sending in the troops of the United Nations;{Boutros Boutros}
To free Somalis,
Boutros Boutros, Boutros Ghali.
 
WARLORD
(To the Tune of “Milord”)
 
We’re getting peeved and bored,
With this Aideed warlord,
The blasted UN blow up everyone but him;
They think they’ll end the war,
If they just fight some more,
But this Somali gore gets deadlier and grim.
 
BOUTROS BOUTROS
(To the tune of “Daisy Daisy”)
 
Boutros Boutros,
Send us your UN troops;
Snipers shoot us,
Which gives us all the poops.
It won’t be a stylish slaughter,
But we still think you oughta,
Bomb infantry,
And Somalis,
In the blighted Mogadishu.
 
WARLORD
(To the Tune of “Milord”)
 
We are indeed more bored,
With this Aideed warlord,
The blasted UN blow up everyone but him;
They think they’ll end the war,
If they just fight some more,
But this Somali gore gets deadlier and grim.

Below is a video of Connie Francis singing Stupid Cupid with lyrics on the screen:

Below is a video of Édith Piaf singing Milord with an English translation of the lyrics on the screen:

Below is a recording of the original Daisy Bell (Daisy Daisy) song with lyrics on the screen; the familiar chorus starts around 37 seconds in.