Category: Writing (my writing)

I wrote this one for Jonathan Linsley’s Christmas run, possibly at his request. I disappeared to China for most of that run so I’m not 100% sure if it was used, but I think it was.

   _ 1993 OH WHAT A YEAR _

 (To the Tune of “December 63, Oh What A Night”)

VERSE 1

Oh what a year, let’s remember 1993;

Little green shoots of recovery,

What an outturn, what a year.

Oh what a year, ‘tho’ John Major didn’t get the sack;

Barmy bastards stabbed him in the back,

What a leader, what a year.

MIDDLE BIT 1

Lamont, caused a huge sensation when he taxed domestic fuel;

Got sacked, but the poor and feeble will still keep cool.

VERSE 2

Oh what a year, England lost at almost every sport;

Could Frank Bruno knock out Nigel Short?

What heroics, what a year.

OTHER TYPE OF MIDDLY TWIDDLY BIT

The Firm exposed Tom Cruise yet more than in Days of Thunder;

Ken Branagh’s Much Ado made everyone want to chunder.

VERSE 3

Oh what a year, Grease and Hair were the revival fads,

Must be due to those old Brylcream ads,

What a retro of a year.

Oh what a year, General Aideed was the yob at issue,

So Bill Clinton blew up Mogadishu,

What a fighter, what a year.

MIDDLE BIT 2

Bosnia, spent the whole year fighting ‘tho’ the Vance-Owen plan;

Was near, to solving this long pain deep in the Balkans. (Male singer holds balls)

VERSE 4

(Male singer falsetto) Oh what a year!

Let’s remember 1993,

We’ll review the year satirically,

“Best Of News Revue” is here!!

Below is Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons singing Oh What A Night with the lyrics on’t screen:

Not only am I pretty sure this one wasn’t used, I’m not even sure it was ever submitted. It isn’t even recorded on my log – just the electronic file sitting in my 1993 creative folder. I’m guessing that I decided that the subject matter was simply too grim for comedy.

Boutros Boutros-Ghali was the Secretary General of the United Nations at the time. Aidid (Aideed) was a Somalian warlord.

_ THE SOMALIA MINI OPERA _

(A medley using a range of seemingly unconnected tunes)
 
BOUTROS BOUTROS
(To the Tune of “Stupid Cupid”)
 
Boutros Boutros you’re a real mean guy,{Boutros Boutros}
Your troops in Mogadishu wish you’d die;{Boutros Boutros}
You try to harmonise relations,{Boutros Boutros}
By sending in the troops of the United Nations;{Boutros Boutros}
To free Somalis,
Boutros Boutros, Boutros Ghali.
 
WARLORD
(To the Tune of “Milord”)
 
We’re getting peeved and bored,
With this Aideed warlord,
The blasted UN blow up everyone but him;
They think they’ll end the war,
If they just fight some more,
But this Somali gore gets deadlier and grim.
 
BOUTROS BOUTROS
(To the tune of “Daisy Daisy”)
 
Boutros Boutros,
Send us your UN troops;
Snipers shoot us,
Which gives us all the poops.
It won’t be a stylish slaughter,
But we still think you oughta,
Bomb infantry,
And Somalis,
In the blighted Mogadishu.
 
WARLORD
(To the Tune of “Milord”)
 
We are indeed more bored,
With this Aideed warlord,
The blasted UN blow up everyone but him;
They think they’ll end the war,
If they just fight some more,
But this Somali gore gets deadlier and grim.

Below is a video of Connie Francis singing Stupid Cupid with lyrics on the screen:

https://youtu.be/cMzt81cQbqI

Below is a video of Édith Piaf singing Milord with an English translation of the lyrics on the screen:

Below is a recording of the original Daisy Bell (Daisy Daisy) song with lyrics on the screen; the familiar chorus starts around 37 seconds in.

https://youtu.be/PqvuNb8DevE

Paddy Ashdown was the leader of the Liberal Democrats at that time. The party wasn’t doing very well. Plus ca change (he writes in 2019)…

THANK DEVON FOR LIBERALS

(To the Tune of “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”)
 
INTRO
 
When Paddy Ashdown took the lead,
In 1987;
He saw the Parliamentary map,
And smiled and said,
 
CHORUS – PADDY ASHDOWN
 
Thank Devon for Liberals,
For Devon has the seats we tend to get;
Thank Devon for Liberals,
Tho’ my own Yeovil seat’s in Somerset.
 
Those by-election gains elsewhere that so astonish,
When it’s a general,
They stall,
And quickly vanish.
 
Thank Devon for Liberals,
Be thankful for Torquay,
Where we can hold our photo jogs,
Forget about the Fascist
Isle of Dogs.

Here is Maurice Chevalier singing Thank Heaven For Little Girls:

Here is a link to the lyrics of thank Heaven For Little Girls.

For some reason, the Labour Party had chosen the main theme from the fourth movement of Brahms’s first symphony as its party anthem at that time.

I like the symphony and the tune but wasn’t sure about it as a Labour motif.

I’m not sure when or if this one was used. The log says I wrote it 8 September but the electronic file is dated 23 October, so I might have tinkered or just resubmitted to the next run.

Some good lines, I think. And Brahms.

THE LABOUR CHORUS

(To the Tune of Brahms Symphony No 1 Mov IV, “Labour Theme” bit)
 
CHORUS 1
 
We’re the Labour chorus,
We’re not really that left wing;
The voters ignore us,
Because of the songs we sing;
As,
They find it a drag,
To hear the red flag,
They hate it irrational-ly;
And get a fright,
When the workers unite,
To sing the Internationale…….
 
CHORUS 2 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 1)
 
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
The unions are up in arms;
Cos John Smith implored us,
To sing you a tune by Brahms;
Who,
Was bourgeois and dead,
And not very red,
Which is much like the Labour move-ment;
John Smith will gloat,
As he dumps the block vote,
To start to build Labour’s improvement………
 
CHORUS 3 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 2)
 
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
We sing when we’ve drunk some jars;
This tune ought to bore us,
Cos we’ve only learnt twelve bars;
But,
We’re up in the polls,
And wait for our roles,
In the Government bathed in glor-y;
‘Tho’ in the end,
Half those voters intend,
To swop sides and vote bloody Tory!!!!

Here’s the Chicago Symphony Orchestra under James Levine playing that Brahms movement. The Labour Chorus theme emerges for the first time after 5’10”. Then it reappears periodically.

https://youtu.be/JWuVEFwT5fw

I tweaked this lyric and re-released it in the autumn of 1994:

THE LABOUR CHORUS AUTUMN 1994 REMIX
(To the Tune of Brahms Symphony No 1 Mov IV, “Labour Theme” bit)
CHORUS 1
We’re the Labour chorus,
We’re not really that left wing;
The voters ignore us,
Because of the songs we sing;
As,
They find it a drag,
To hear the red flag,
They hate it irrational-ly;
And get a fright,
When the workers unite,
To sing the Internationale…….
CHORUS 2 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 1)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
The unions are up in arms;
Cos Tony implored us,
To sing you a tune by Brahms;
Who,
Was bourgeois and dead,
And not very red,
Like John Smith, whom we gave applause for,
Tories will gloat,
Now we’ve dumped the block vote,
And started to row over clause four………
CHORUS 3 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 2)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
We sing when we’ve drunk some jars;
This tune ought to bore us,
Cos we’ve only learnt twelve bars;
But,
We’re up in the polls,
And wait for our roles,
In the Government bathed in glor-y;
‘Tho’ in the end,
Half those voters intend,
To swap sides and vote bloody Tory!!!!

I did another minor rewrite of this lyric in 1997. The reference to “Such” is Screaming Lord Such, who ran as a Monster Raving Loony in every election for decades.:

LABOUR CHORUS 1997 REMIX
To the Tune of Brahms Symphony No 1 Mov IV, “Labour Theme” bit)
CHORUS 1
We’re the Labour chorus,
We’re not really that left wing;
Some voters ignore us,
Because of the songs we sing;
As,
They find it a drag,
To hear the red flag,
They hate it irrational-ly;
And get a fright,
When the workers unite,
To sing the Internationale…….
CHORUS 2 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 1)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
The unions are up in arms;
Cos young Blaire implored us,
To sing you a tune by Brahms;
Who,
Was bourgeois and dead,
And not very red,
Which is much like the Labour move-ment;
Tony was sure,
That to chuck out Clause Four,
Was the way to Labour’s improvement………
CHORUS 3 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 2)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
We sing when we’ve drunk some jars;
This tune ought to bore us,
Cos we’ve only learnt twelve bars;
But,
We’re up in the polls,
And wait for our roles,
In the Government bathed in glor-y;
We’ve changed so much,
Might as well vote for Such,
Or swop sides and vote bloody Tory!!!!