Category: Writing (my writing)

I had this idea soon after starting to attend NewsRevue; just a few weeks after John Random and his cast started to use my stuff; not least You Can’t Hurry Trusts.

This idea never got off the ground, although several good souls looked at it and liked it conceptually. It does have some good gags and ideas in it.

                          STAFF NURSE CARMEN SMITH
 
(A Mini Opera in three acts and one casualty of cuts in Government funding)
 
CAST
 
Staff Nurse Carmen Smith (Carmen) – A staff nurse in an NHS hospital
 
Dr Joseph (Don Jose) – A junior houseman in an NHS hospital
 
Mister Lister (Escamillo) – An eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist
 
[Staff Nurse Michelle – (Micaela) – Doctor Joseph’s childhood sweetheart –  optional extra leading role, excluded from scenario at present.]
 
Enormous choruses of doctors, nurses, patients, accountants, lawyers, clients, tramps, journalists, eminent surgeons etc.  (Most of these are unfortunately just offstage and out of earshot.  Those who happen to find themselves on stage for a while are played by members of the above cast)
 
SYNOPSIS
 
ACT 1 – Inside an NHS hospital in a grimy London suburb
 
Nurses are busying themselves doing whatever it is nurses do (paperwork?) and singing merrily as they toil [1].  One ambitious staff nurse, Carmen Smith, dreams of a more luxurious life and resolves to improve her lot [2].  She flirts with the housemen and makes it clear that she has her eye on Dr Joseph.  She seductively invites him to a rendezvous at the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar, where professional health care advisors (accountants and lawyers) may help them to better themselves in an NHS Trust hospital [3].  If Carmen and Joseph are really lucky, someone may even buy them a drink.
 
ACT 2 – Wynkyn De Worde Wine Bar in old London town
 
Wild braying and heavy drinking.  The professional health care advisors are celebrating all the money they make out of the NHS [4].  {A Fleet Street tramp staggers into the bar and tells of his demise.  He is then rudely ejected [5].}  Mister Lister, an eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist arrives to discuss his financial affairs with his accountant.  He decides he would prefer to talk about amorous affairs.  He has taken a shine to Carmen and persuades the accountant to invite her to watch a pioneering operation he is undertaking next week.  Carmen accepts the offer.  Joseph knows that he has lost her to Lister.  Finally, the health care advisors explain why NHS Trusts are such a good thing [6].
 
ACT 3
 
We regret, due to recent cuts in Government funding, we have been forced to close Act 3.  We sincerely hope that we shall be able to restore the Act 3 service in the very near future.
 
ACT 4 – Outside an operating theatre in a flashy private hospital in a fashionable London suburb
 
Doctors and nurses await the arrival of Mister Lister and hail the benefits of private medical insurance [7].  Mister Lister is to undertake the world’s first clitoris transplant.  He arrives to much acclaim and tells the throng how clever and important he is [8].  Carmen remains outside the operating theatre.  Joseph arrives and begs Carmen to come back to him.  They squabble, and in the struggle Joseph wounds her with his scalpel.  Sadly, Carmen has no private health insurance so the medical staff cannot treat her wound at the private hospital.  Tragically, Carmen dies in Joseph’s arms while they wait for the ambulance to take her to the NHS hospital [9].
 
 
SUGGESTED SONGS/TUNES (very much subject to change)
 
OVERTURE (medley of best tunes)
 
ACT 1
 
1)An opening number (perhaps to the tune of “Stonecutters cut it on stone” or possibly the Urchin Boys Chorus from “Carmen”)
 
2)Wouldn’t it be luxury (To the tune of “Wouldn’t it be lovely”)
 
3)Song based on Seguidilla and duet (from “Carmen”)
 
ACT 2
 
4)Song based on Chanson Boheme (from “Carmen”)
 
{5)Norman Lamont (to the tune of “Norwegian Wood”)}
 
6)You can’t hurry trusts (to the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love”)
 
ACT 3
 
would have been really brilliant
 
ACT 4
 
7)Supa BUPA (to the tune of “Super Trouper”)
 
8)Song based on Toreador’s Song (from “Carmen”)
 
9)Finale (reprise)
 
THOUGHTS ON SONGS
 
The only songs that exist at the moment are “Supa BUPA”, “You can’t hurry trusts” and “Norman Lamont”.  I also have “Bye Bye NHS” but can’t fit it into the current scenario.  In any event, it may be preferable to leave out all the greatest hits and have all new songs.
 
An extract/example/idea for Seguidilla
 
In London City the health care advisors go,
To the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar;
Accountants and lawyers bray,
While they drink Chardonnay,
“My car,
 Is the very latest sporty Mazda”.
 
An extract/example/idea for Wouldn’t it be Luxury
 
All I want is a yacht somewhere,
Off the Cape of Finisterre,
We’d all sunbathe in the rare,
Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
 
All I want is a Rolls Royce car,
A Bentley and a Jaguar,
Each one fitted with a bar,
Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
 
 
OTHER INITIAL THOUGHTS
 
None of the suggestions presented at this stage are written in stone (other than the central idea of moving the story of Carmen into the contemporary UK health service).  Please be brutal and change/reject ideas you don’t like and make new suggestions.
 
Running length – 25-45 minutes
 
Balance – 3 or 4 songs per Act (some may be short “link” songs).  At least one tune from Carmen per Act. 
 
Style – Musical Drama (spoken comedy between songs rather than Operatic recitative.  A little recitative may be used for comic effect.)
 
The synopsis, once suitably funny, would be circulated to the audience as part of the programme.

In May 1992 I tightened up the synopsis and retitled it a Micro-Opera in the hope that such a thing would seem less ambitious than a Mini-Opera. I also included a lyric for “Bonecutters Cut It On Bone”; a surgeons refrain if ever there was one. Here’s that second version:

                                               STAFF NURSE CARMEN SMITH


(A Micro Opera in three acts and one casualty of cuts in Government funding)
 
CAST
 
Staff Nurse Carmen Smith (Carmen) – A staff nurse in an NHS hospital
Dr Joseph (Don Jose) – A junior houseman in an NHS hospital
Mister Lister (Escamillo) – An eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist
 
Enormous choruses of doctors, nurses, patients, accountants, lawyers, clients, tramps, journalists, eminent surgeons etc.  (Most of these are unfortunately just offstage and out of earshot.  Those who happen to find themselves on stage for a while are played by members of the above cast)
 
SYNOPSIS
 
ACT 1 – Inside an NHS hospital in a grimy London suburb
 
Nurses are busying themselves doing whatever it is nurses do (paperwork?) and singing merrily as they toil.  One ambitious staff nurse, Carmen Smith, dreams of a more luxurious life and resolves to improve her lot.  She flirts with the housemen and makes it clear that she has her eye on Dr Joseph.  She seductively invites him to a rendezvous at the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar, where professional health care advisors (accountants and lawyers) may help the young lovers to better themselves in an NHS Trust hospital.  If Carmen and Joseph are really lucky, someone may even buy them a drink.
 
ACT 2 – Wynkyn De Worde Wine Bar in old London town
 
Wild braying and heavy drinking.  The professional health care advisors are celebrating all the money they make out of the NHS.  Mister Lister, an eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist arrives to discuss his financial affairs with his accountant.  He decides he would prefer to talk about amorous affairs.  He has taken a shine to Carmen and persuades the accountant to invite her to watch a pioneering operation he is to undertake next week.  Carmen accepts the offer.  Joseph knows that he has lost her to Lister.  Finally, the health care advisors explain why NHS Trusts are such a good thing.
 
ACT 3
 
We regret, due to recent cuts in Government funding, we have been forced to close Act 3.  We sincerely hope that we shall be able to restore the Act 3 service in the very near future.
 
ACT 4 – Outside an operating theatre in a flashy private hospital in a fashionable London suburb
 
Doctors and nurses await the arrival of Mister Lister and hail the benefits of private medical insurance.  Mister Lister is to undertake the world’s first clitoris transplant.  He arrives to much acclaim and tells the throng how clever and important he is.  Carmen remains outside the operating theatre.  Joseph arrives and begs Carmen to come back to him.  They squabble, and in the struggle Joseph wounds her with his scalpel.  Sadly, Carmen has no private health insurance so the medical staff cannot treat her wound at the private hospital.  Tragically, Carmen dies in Joseph’s arms while they wait for the ambulance to take her to the NHS hospital.

                                             BONECUTTERS CUT IT ON BONE
                                    (To the Tune of “Stonecutters Cut it On Stone”)
 
MALE VERSE
 
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it flop,
The quacks with the knacks for cosmetic cuts, are earning at the top.
 
CHORUS
 
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Neurologists get on your nerves,
But plastic surgeons make more cash, improving peoples curves.
 
FEMALE VERSE
 
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it miss,
When guys specialise anaplastically, It’s them I want to kiss.
 
CHORUS
 
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Pox Doctors cure your rude bits,
But plastic surgeons make more cash, enlarging women’s tits.

Then, on 25 August 1992, I revised it once more, reverting to the Mini-Opera styling and added some more lyric ideas:

STAFF NURSE CARMEN SMITH


(A Mini Opera in three acts and one casualty of cuts in Government funding)
 
CAST
 
Staff Nurse Carmen Smith (Carmen) – A staff nurse in an NHS hospital
Dr Joseph (Don Jose) – A junior houseman in an NHS hospital
Mister Lister (Escamillo) – An eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist
[Staff Nurse Michelle – (Micaela) – Doctor Joseph’s childhood sweetheart –  optional extra leading role, excluded from scenario at present.]
 
Enormous choruses of doctors, nurses, patients, accountants, lawyers, clients, journalists, eminent surgeons etc.  (Most of these are unfortunately just offstage and out of earshot.  Those who happen to find themselves on stage for a while are played by members of the above cast)
 
SYNOPSIS
 
ACT 1 – Inside an NHS hospital in a grimy London suburb
 
Nurses are busying themselves doing whatever it is nurses do (paperwork?) and singing merrily as they toil.  One ambitious staff nurse, Carmen Smith, dreams of a more luxurious life and resolves to improve her lot.  She flirts with the housemen and makes it clear that she has her eye on Dr Joseph.  She seductively invites him to a rendezvous at the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar, where professional health care advisors (accountants and lawyers) may help the young lovers to better themselves in an NHS Trust hospital.  If Carmen and Joseph are really lucky, someone may even buy them a drink.
 
ACT 2 – Wynkyn De Worde Wine Bar in old London town
 
Wild braying and heavy drinking.  The professional health care advisors are celebrating all the money they make out of the NHS.  Mister Lister, an eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist arrives to discuss his financial affairs with his accountant.  He sees Carmen and takes a shine to her.  Lister persuades the accountant to invite her to watch a pioneering operation he is to undertake next week.  (Why an accountant is undertaking a pioneering operation I really can’t say).  Carmen accepts the offer.  Joseph knows that he has lost her to Lister.  Finally, the health care advisors explain why NHS Trusts are such a good thing.
 
ACT 3
 
We regret, due to recent cuts in Government funding, we have been forced to close Act 3.  We sincerely hope that we shall be able to restore the Act 3 service in the very near future.
 
ACT 4 – Outside an operating theatre in a flashy private hospital in a fashionable London suburb
 
Doctors and nurses await the arrival of Mister Lister and hail the benefits of private medical insurance.  Mister Lister is to undertake the world’s first clitoris transplant.  He arrives to much acclaim and tells the throng how clever and important he is.  Carmen remains outside the operating theatre.  Joseph arrives and begs Carmen to come back to him.  They squabble, and in the struggle Joseph wounds her with his scalpel.  Sadly, Carmen has no private health insurance so the medical staff cannot treat her wound at the private hospital.  Tragically, Carmen dies in Joseph’s arms while they wait for the ambulance to take her to the NHS hospital next door.

SUGGESTED SONGS/TUNES – EXAMPLE
 
OVERTURE (medley of best tunes)
 
ACT 1
 

1)
Bonecutters cut it on Bone (to the tune of “Stonecutters cut it on stone”)
 

2)
Wouldn’t it be luxury (To the tune of “Wouldn’t it be lovely”)
 

3)
Song based on Seguidilla from “Carmen” (Dere’s a Cafe on de Corner – “Carmen Jones”)
 
ACT 2
 

4)
Song based on Chanson Boheme from “Carmen” (Beat Out Dat Rhythm – “Carmen Jones”)
 

5)
You can’t hurry trusts (to the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love”)
 
ACT 3
 
would have been really brilliant
 
ACT 4
 

6)
Supa BUPA (to the tune of “Super Trouper”)
 

7)
Song based on Toreador’s Song from “Carmen” (Stan’ Up and Fight – “Carmen Jones”)
 

8)
Finale (reprise)
 
OTHER SONGS AND TUNES THAT LOOK LIKE RUNNERS
 
Song based on the Urchin Boys Chorus from “Carmen”
 
Song based on Habanera from “Carmen” (Dat’s Love – “Carmen Jones”)
 
Song based on Michaela’s Air from “Carmen” (My Joe – “Carmen Jones”)
 
24 Hours From Ulcers (to the tune of “24 Hours From Tulsa”)
 
Bye Bye NHS (to the tune of “Bye Bye Love”)

SONGS / EXTRACTS WHERE POSSIBLE
 
                                             BONECUTTERS CUT IT ON BONE
                                    (To the Tune of “Stonecutters Cut it On Stone”)
 
MALE VERSE
 
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it flop,
The quacks with the knacks for cosmetic cuts, are earning at the top.
 
CHORUS
 
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Neurologists get on your nerves,
But plastic surgeons make more cash, improving peoples curves.
 
FEMALE VERSE
 
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it miss,
When guys specialise anaplastically, It’s them I want to kiss.
 
CHORUS
 
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Pox Doctors cure your rude bits,
But plastic surgeons make more cash, enlarging women’s tits.
 
                                                                    |———-|
 
An extract/idea for Seguidilla
 
In London City the health care advisors go,
To the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar;
Accountants and lawyers bray,
While they drink Chardonnay,
“My car,
 Is the very latest sporty Mazda”.
 
                                                                    |———-|
 
An extract/idea for Wouldn’t it be Luxury
 
All I want is a yacht somewhere,
Off the Cape of Finisterre,
We’d all sunbathe in the rare,
Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
 
All I want is a Rolls Royce car,
A Bentley and a Jaguar,
Each one fitted with a bar,
Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
 
                                                                    |———-|

Below is Stonecutters Cut It On Stone from the movie version of Carousel:

Click here for the lyrics to Stonecutters Cut It On Stone.

Below is Wouldn’t It Be Lovely with the lyrics in bouncing ball stylee:

Below is a recording of Dere’s A Cafe On the Corner from Carmen Jones:

Click here for the lyrics to Dere’s A Cafe On the Corner.

Norman Lamont, Topical Lyric, 17 January 1992

Below is Beat Out Dat Rhythm On A Drum from Carmen Jones:

Click here for the lyrics to Beat Out That Rhythm On A Drum.

You Can’t Hurry Trusts, NewsRevue Lyric, 7 May 1992

Below is a recording of Stan’ Up And Fight from Carmen Jones:

Click here for the lyrics to Stan’ Up And Fight from Carmen Jones.

Bye Bye NHS, Comedy Lyric, Subsequently NewsRevue, 4 August 1991

Hmmm. A generic song about heatwaves.

This one certainly didn’t make the cut when first submitted to the Random run that spring and I’m not sure I tried resubmitting it all that hard.

I might have had Spitting Image in mind for this one. I know I sent them some stuff around that time, probably including this one, only to discover that they were off air spring/summer.

There are some good lines but it would be wicked hard to perform. I was still learning then…still am.

HEATWAVE

(To the tune of “Heatwave”)

 

VERSE 1

Whenever the sun shines, {Ooohhh}

And Britain is warm;{Britain is warm}

Sun reporters,{Ooohhh}

And photographers swarm.

 

CHORUS 1

Could it be, a chance to see,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

Tit and bum on page one instead of three?{aaahhh, aaahhh}

Cos it’s a heatwave,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}

We’ve shots of Princess Di,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}

That prove she must shave,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}

Her armpits and her thighs.

 

VERSE 2

There’s always one arsehole,{do wah, do wah}

Ends up breaking his spine;{yeh, heatwave, yeh}

He dives, head first,{do wah, do wah}

Into the Serpentine.{yeh, heatwave, yeh}

 

CHORUS 2

He doesn’t mind being half alive,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

Cos he made the news at five-forty-five.{aaahhh, aaahhh}

There’s still a brain wave,{There’s still a brain wave,}

Although it’s only faint,{There’s still a brain wave,}

There’s still a brain wave,{There’s still a brain wave,}

Oh – now there ain’t.

 

VERSE 3

Take a trip to Margate,{do wah, do wah}

But you’re sure to get home late,{yeh, heatwave, yeh}

(British Rail Announcer)

“There’s no train service, ’till further notice,{do wah, do wah}

The sun has melted all the track”{yeh, heatwave, yeh}

 

CHORUS 3

Cos this whole country’s brought to its knees,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

As soon as the gauge shows eighty degrees,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

It’s called a heatwave.{It’s called a heatwave.}

Yeh yeh, yeh yeh, oh yeh, {Phew what a scortcher, this heat is torture}

Yeh yeh, yeh yeh, oh yeh, {Phew what a scortcher, this heat is torture}

This heatwave’s small beer, we get one every year

But its a heatwave!!!

Here is a vid of the wonderful Martha & The Vandellas singing Heatwave to a rather sedate-looking English audience:

…and here is a link to the lyrics of Martha & the Vandellas’s Heatwave.

This is another comedy lyric written around the time I found out about NewsRevue but probably written for my own/friends amusement. It was around the time of the 1992 election.

                                          FLAGS OF CONVENIENCE
                                         (To the tune of “The Red Flag”)
 
 
RED
 
The people’s flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyred dead;
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their heart’s blood dyed its every fold.
 
Then raise the scarlet standard high,
Within its shade we’ll live or die;
Tho’ cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.
 
BLUE
 
The bosses flag is deepest blue,
It helps us tell men what to do;
And when they’re fighting in a bar,
Its azure lights the Panda Car.
 
Then raise the sapphire flag a while,
Within its shade we’ve made a pile;
Tho’ Unions flinch and workers sneer,
We drink fine wine, they swig warm beer.
 
YELLOW
 
The Liberals flag is yellow/gold,
The colour isn’t very bold;
And as we can’t make up our minds,
We’ve changed our name a dozen times.
 
Oh jaundiced banner in the skies,
Within your shade we’ll compromise;
Tho’ Tories punch and Labour pound,
We’ll occupy the centre ground.
 
GREEN
 
The Eco flag is crispest green,
We like to keep our standard clean;
And tho’ it sounds incré-dible,
Our flag’s biodegradable.
 
Oh verdant banner in the breeze,
Within your shade, no CFCs;
Tho’ dross decay and wastrels wear,
We’re going to save the ozone layer.
                                                                                                  27th March 1992

I also wrote an update of this lyric in the Autumn of 1994; I don’t think that it was used in NewsRevue either, but it might have been:

FLAGS OF CONVENIENCE – AUTUMN 1994 REMIX
(To the tune of “The Red Flag”)
RED
The people’s flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyred dead;
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their heart’s blood dyed its every fold.
So raise the scarlet standard up,
In deepest pooh we’ve ended up;
Tho’ unsure what the ‘ell it’s for,
We took the cause out of clause four.
BLUE
The bosses flag is deepest blue,
It helps us tell men what to do;
And when they’re fighting in a bar,
Its azure lights the Panda Car.
So raise the sapphire flag a while,
Within its shade we’ve made a pile;
Tho’ Unions flinch and workers sneer,
We drink fine wine, they swig warm beer.
YELLOW
The Liberals flag is yellow/gold,
The colour isn’t very bold;
Tho’ we’re broad-minded on our jogs,
We’re Fascists on the Isle of Dogs;
Oh jaundiced banner in the skies,
Within your shade we’ll compromise;
Tho’ Tories punch and Labour pound,
We’ll occupy the centre ground.
GREEN
The Eco flag is crispest green,
We like to keep our standard clean;
And tho’ it sounds incré-dible,
Our flag’s biodegradable.
Oh verdant banner in the breeze,
Within your shade, no CFCs;
Tho’ dross decay and wastrels wear,
We’re going to save the ozone layer.

Below is a video of The Red Flag with the lyrics: