Well, I was a bona fide NewsRevue writer when I submitted this one, although i might not have known it yet.
But for some reason the then Director, John Random, did not deem this one good enough.
Perhaps the subject, the big bang, didn’t seem topical enough. I think something big bang-ish must have been in the news. I rather like the lyric.
BIGGY BIGGY BANG BANG (To the tune of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”)
INTRO
Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang: CHORUS 1
Ooohhh, aaahhh, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang’s primeval, And now Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang’s believable; Look at all the happy scientists, but they never can explain, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang’s too big for my small brain, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, except for this refrain:
THIS REFRAIN
The birth of the universe, In six lines of rhyming verse, Is likely to be a first, so hark;
The soup is primordial, It looks like lime cordial, A proton, a neutron and quark.
CHORUS 2
Ooohhh {NASA}, aaahhh {COBE}, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Big Bang’s cosmological, This {Supa} find {Nova} Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, is so astronomical; See {Mega} how {Giga} all the puzzled journo’s struggle to describe the dross, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, but they’re all at a loss, Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, and no-one gives a toss. {Biggy Biggy Bang Bang, Biggy Biggy Bang Bang primordial Biggy Biggy Bang}
Below is a video of the song Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
The very helpful and encouraging Spitting Image people (especially Bill Dare and Giles Pilbrow) eventually encouraged me to contact NewsRevue, primarily because my songs tended to be very topical, whereas Spitting Image tended not to do topical musical numbers. I was not only encouraged but also rather chuffed to see a W2 address for the Canal Cafe Theatre. Within walking distance seemed convenient enough for me.
At NewsRevue my correspondence found a welcoming John Random inviting me to a writers’ meeting on 2 April 1992, which will be the day I first met several “friends of decades” and the first time saw NewsRevue. A young Jacquie Somerville was directing that run, much to the chagrin of the regular writers, as she was primarily using material from her own troupe, which I believe included Reece Shearsmith, together with material written by her pal Andrew Whelan. But John told me at that writers’ meeting that he was due to take over as director of the next run shortly.
I hope to write up that early journey from juvenilia towards NewsRevue via Spitting Image more fully at some stage; there is quite a fat file of my correspondence and early efforts.
There was no YouTube or e-mail with attachments in those days. I must have spooled a copy of the Jolson verse/chorus from my trusty reel-to-reel onto a cassette. The WP file of the lyrics is time stamped 08:12. I think I heard the news that execution had been stayed on the Today programme shortly after 8:00 (just after midnight California time), so I concluded the lyric with a stay of execution and dropped a package off by hand at the Canal Cafe Theatre on my way to work.
By the time I got home from work that day, Robert Alton Harris had been executed. I wasn’t sure what that existential change to the ending would do for the fate of my topical song, but of course in the hands of seasoned topical satirists like John Random and Chris Stanton, such last minute tweaks are merely par for the course.
So, when I went to the writers meeting on 23 April, I was thrilled to see my little song on the running order for that week’s show. I was even more thrilled to see my song performed. It turned out, of course, to be the first of many.
I seem to recall a slightly gruesome yet somehow amusing “snuffed” head gesture by Chris Stanton to conclude the song appropriately, despite the lyric. I cannot remember who else was in that cast; John Random will no doubt remember; he remembers most everything. Ian Angus Wilkie I think… But enough of my 2016 waffle, here is the full extract of the lyrics of my debut NewsRevue song from 1992:
♬ CALIFORNIA HERE I GO ♬
(To the tune of “California Here I Come” – but strictly no blackface when performing this please)
INTRO
When the calls for death start growing,
And guillotines are starting to fall;
That’s when I am westward going,
To the place that kills ’em best of all.
California, I’ve been blue,
I’ve not seen death since ’62;
I can’t wait ’till blood starts flowing,
Even now I’m starting to call:
CHORUS 1
California here I go,
See the Nightmare on Death Row;
Where killing, is thrilling, oohh what a gas,
San Quentin, is rentin’, programmes, seats and opera glass.
The show’s soon startin’, don’t be late,
Watch the bad guy meet his fate,
In a snuff movie by the State,
California here I go.
CHORUS 2 (More slowly – different singer?)
California, here I go – yeh,
Back and forth along death row;
You oughta, try slaughter by electric chair,
Say hello to gallows, gassing folks is not quite fair.
This was the last of my “pre-NewsRevue era” comedy lyrics – another 1992 election-oriented lyric. I wrote the lyric 3 April although the log credits it as 8 April ; the election was held 9 April. No-one expected the Tories to retain power in that election, but they did.
WILL YOU BELIEVE ME TOMORROW? (To the tune of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”)
TORY
The night is ours completely, Tho’ we campaigned effetely; Tonight, the Right, was given a kickstart, Will you believe me tomorrow?
LABOUR
We’ve won by every measure, Much to the Tories’ displeasure; So, after all, this nation has a heart, Will you believe me tomorrow?
ALL
Tonight with words multifarious, Spin doctors claim that we’ve all won; Their quotes may seem hilarious, Once in print, in the Times and Sun.
LIB/DEM
This is our finest hour, We hold the balance of power; We, in our dreams, prepare for Government, Will you believe me tomorrow?
ALL
We, in our dreams, prepare for Government, Will you believe us tomorrow?
(Backing vocals for the three political verses as follows: Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha; Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, Will you believe me tomorrow?)
3 April 1992
Below is a video of The Shirelles singing Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow:
This is another comedy lyric written around the time I found out about NewsRevue but probably written for my own/friends amusement. It was around the time of the 1992 election.
FLAGS OF CONVENIENCE (To the tune of “The Red Flag”)
RED
The people’s flag is deepest red, It shrouded oft our martyred dead; And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold, Their heart’s blood dyed its every fold.
Then raise the scarlet standard high, Within its shade we’ll live or die; Tho’ cowards flinch and traitors sneer, We’ll keep the red flag flying here.
BLUE
The bosses flag is deepest blue, It helps us tell men what to do; And when they’re fighting in a bar, Its azure lights the Panda Car.
Then raise the sapphire flag a while, Within its shade we’ve made a pile; Tho’ Unions flinch and workers sneer, We drink fine wine, they swig warm beer.
YELLOW
The Liberals flag is yellow/gold, The colour isn’t very bold; And as we can’t make up our minds, We’ve changed our name a dozen times.
Oh jaundiced banner in the skies, Within your shade we’ll compromise; Tho’ Tories punch and Labour pound, We’ll occupy the centre ground.
GREEN
The Eco flag is crispest green, We like to keep our standard clean; And tho’ it sounds incré-dible, Our flag’s biodegradable.
Oh verdant banner in the breeze, Within your shade, no CFCs; Tho’ dross decay and wastrels wear, We’re going to save the ozone layer. 27th March 1992
I also wrote an update of this lyric in the Autumn of 1994; I don’t think that it was used in NewsRevue either, but it might have been:
FLAGS OF CONVENIENCE – AUTUMN 1994 REMIX (To the tune of “The Red Flag”) RED The people’s flag is deepest red, It shrouded oft our martyred dead; And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold, Their heart’s blood dyed its every fold. So raise the scarlet standard up, In deepest pooh we’ve ended up; Tho’ unsure what the ‘ell it’s for, We took the cause out of clause four. BLUE The bosses flag is deepest blue, It helps us tell men what to do; And when they’re fighting in a bar, Its azure lights the Panda Car. So raise the sapphire flag a while, Within its shade we’ve made a pile; Tho’ Unions flinch and workers sneer, We drink fine wine, they swig warm beer. YELLOW The Liberals flag is yellow/gold, The colour isn’t very bold; Tho’ we’re broad-minded on our jogs, We’re Fascists on the Isle of Dogs; Oh jaundiced banner in the skies, Within your shade we’ll compromise; Tho’ Tories punch and Labour pound, We’ll occupy the centre ground. GREEN The Eco flag is crispest green, We like to keep our standard clean; And tho’ it sounds incré-dible, Our flag’s biodegradable. Oh verdant banner in the breeze, Within your shade, no CFCs; Tho’ dross decay and wastrels wear, We’re going to save the ozone layer.
I think this lyric and one or two others in the run up to the 1992 general election, coincided with my first visits to NewsRevue at the Canal Cafe Theatre. I’ll need to rummage my physical correspondence files for chapter and verse on that.
But I was also just sort-of writing this stuff for friends and my own amusement.
I’m pretty sure this one formed part of my early submission pack to NewsRevue but it wasn’t used.
It has some quite good ideas in it, though.
REALLY SAYING NOTHING
(Sung to the tune of “Really Saying Something”)
1st BIT
I was walking down the street, ({CHORUS} Dowaddywaddy) When a pollster came up to me; ({CHORUS} Oh yeh) He shook me by the throat, ({CHORUS} Dowaddywaddy) And asked me which way I would vote. “Is it Tory or Labour; Kinnock or Major?”
I said: They’re all really saying nothing, really saying nothing, {BOTH} Ba ba sooky do wah, ba ba sooky do wah.
2nd BIT
I was watching my TV,({CHORUS} Dowaddywaddy) John Major was lecturing me;({CHORUS} Oh yeh) “Avoid Labour’s double whammy,({CHORUS} Dowaddywaddy) And Paddy Ashdown’s handshake is clammy. If you want hope and glory, you should vote Tory”.
But: He was really saying nothing, really saying nothing, {BOTH} Ba ba sooky do wah, ba ba sooky do wah.
INSTRUMENTAL BIT (During the instrumental the following voiceover from Paddy Ashdown is rendered):
“We Liberals firmly believe that we are really saying something. And yet, in many ways we are really saying nothing. Vote Liberal, the only party prepared to state, quite categorically, that we aren’t really saying whether we are really saying something or not.”
3rd BIT
I then went to my town hall, ({CHORUS}Dowaddywaddy) Where Kinnock was giving his all; ({CHORUS}Oh yeh) “John Major is a creep, ({CHORUS}Dowaddywaddy) And Liberals prefer it with sheep. You will live longer later, linking with Labour”.
Cripes: He was really saying nothing, really saying nothing, {BOTH} Ba ba sooky do wah, ba ba sooky do wah.
{CHORUS}We’re all really saying nothing, really saying nothing, {BOTH} Ba ba sooky do wah, ba ba sooky do wah. 14 March 1992
Below is a video of the Velvelettes singing Really Saying Something:
I think a basic version of this song might have sat on my jotter for years before I typed it up and tried to do something with it, but I copyrighted it 29 February 1992.
Anyway, I think this one first saw the light of day in the hands of Brian Jordan, who found it in the NewsRevue reject pile (probably thanks to John Random) and took it to Edinburgh in 1992 in his show, “Whoops, Vicar, Is That Your Dick?” So I can for ever boast that my material made its Edinburgh debut in a show by that glorious name.
Another very early attempt at a comedy lyric that didn’t go anywhere other than a few living rooms around W2 & W11.
Actually I had more time for Robin Cook as a politician than I had/have for most, although you wouldn’t tell from this lyric. In fact, I recall Paul Magrath saying that it sounded like a skit at a Federation of Conservative Students conference – a comment which made me so dislike the lyric, it hasn’t seen the light of day since…
…until Ogblog.
RANTIN’ ROBIN (To the tune of “Rockin’ Robin” for soloist with a Chorus in italics)
He rants in the commons all day long, all the labour benches are singing his song; They say that he’s a thinker of great quality, but no-one understands his health policy. Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Poor old Rantin’ Robin Cook he really don’t look healthy to me.
He wants central planning called top down, from country down to region and the district and the town; To operate this programme Robin must install, a thousand extra bureaucrats in Whitehall. Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Come on Rantin’ Robin Cook we’ve surely got enough bureaucracy.
Up and down the country Rantin’ Robin takes the stand, Explaining to the people why their taxes must expand; He acts as if he knows it all but bless my soul, He doesn’t know his elbow from his vitriol.
He rants in the commons every day, to try to get health workers well deserved extra pay; He gets up people’s noses ‘cos he sounds like squeaking glass, he thinks the sun shines out of his working class. Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), If only Rantin’ Robin Cook could get his points across effectively.
He wants the Health Service to spend more, to try to bring down waiting lists and better serve the poor; If Robin were to speak more softly and to have a shave, he’d look and sound the same as Willie Waldergrave. Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Rantin’ Robin and the Tories don’t seem all that different to me.
He publishes his documents with launches to excess, Perhaps he’d better spend his time inside the NHS; He says he favours medicine in the home, But will the doctors listen to a garden gnome?
He rants in the commons all day long, he’s never been in power so he may be right or wrong; The Nation’s health may rest on his ability, so I’ll be joining BUPA or with PPP. Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Rantin’ Robin (speech, tedious speech), Maybe Rantin’ Robin Cook should after all have stuck with industry.
Originally submitted to Spitting Image, 9 or 10 February 1992, I subsequently submitted it to NewsRevue.
Anything that worked to “I Will Survive” was automatically on John Random’s prohibited list, I later discovered, but I did eventually get a version of the song into NewsRevue, perhaps as late as October 1993 but I think probably before that too.
You can’t keep a good lyric down, John; this one is, in my view, quite a good lyric.
The following version is e-dated April 1992, so the original Spitting Image one might be lost for all time, but I doubt if I really changed it between February and April – just a tiny tweak I suspect, otherwise I’d have saved it as a revised version:
MRS T
(sung by Maggie Thatcher to the tune of “I Will Survive”)
VERSE 1
At first I was afraid; (yes, even Mrs T),
Was scared of living out my life without publicity;
But then I spent so many nights just watching “Grey Man” droning on,
And I grew strong; and I learned how to get back on.
So now I’m back, from outta space,
To find that people know my voice and they still recognise my face.
I should have sacked the bleeding lot, I should have left the EEC,
If I had known for just one second that they’d end up sacking me.
CHORUS 1
Oh yes it’s me,
I’m on TV,
Even though it’s only Channel 4,
Or sometimes BSkyB,
But I’ve got interviews to give,
So while I still can breath and live,
I’m on TV,
I’m on TV.
VERSE 2
I tried to warn you, John, about the EMU,
But now I fail to understand what people see in you;
Cos then you took me to one side and whispered softly in my ear,
That it was better for the party if I quietly disappear.
So I went back, across the sea,
Where I had organised a Brussels photo-opportunity.
Yes I went straight up to the top, because I’m never one to tarry,
And I tried to head-butt Jacques Delors and kneecap Ray McSharry.
For any completists out there who are still reading, here is the October 1993 version which was adapted for some hoo-ha around Mrs T’s memoirs or something:
MRS T – AUTUMN 1993
(sung by Maggie Thatcher to the tune of “I Will Survive”)
VERSE 1
At first I was afraid; (yes, even Mrs T),
Was scared of living out my life without publicity;
But then I spent so many nights just watching “Grey Man” droning on,
That I grew strong; and I learned how to get back on.
So now I’m back, and out in print,
My memoirs will be a best seller so I’m going to make a mint.
They detail how I discharged Howe, because he backed the EEC,
I’ve been voracious for revenge since those dumb bastards ousted me.
CHORUS 1
Oh yes it’s me, literally,
You know my book has been reviewed on Channel 4 and BSkyB;
And I have memoirs left to write,
That dump John Major in the shite,
I will revive, I will reprise.
VERSE 2
I tried to warn the public that John Major’s thick,
And that those arseholes Clarke and Lawson used to make me sick;
But then the Tory party magnets whispered softly in my ear,
That it was better for the party if I quietly disappear.
So I went home and wrote my book,
And now those jerks who tried to gag me are deep in the shtook,
You see my memoirs have a knack of making everyone look silly,
And they ought to circulate more quickly than Dave Mellor’s willy.
CHORUS 2
So no more blues, my book’s reviewed,
Even tho’ it’s one of seven in the Finchley Evening News;
But I’ve more paragraphs to draft,
Cos half my cabinet was daft,
I will surmise, I will surprise, hey, hey.
(People in white coats lead her away, saying “there there” and “just slip your arms into this nice little jacket”)
This nasty lyric turns 25 today (the day I’m writing this Ogblog piece) so I thought its anniversary needs marking.
I had been engaging in correspondence with Spitting Image for some weeks before writing this lyric. At this juncture they were encouraging me to write slightly less topical songs as the Spitting Image songs tended to be topical-ish rather than up to the minute topical.
Indeed Bill Dare, Giles Pilbrow and others at Spitting Image were most encouraging and (in the end) recommended me to NewsRevue, where the rest was history.
I guess I was still on the very low foothills of my comedy writing craft in February 1992. Unsurprisingly, neither Spitting Image nor NewsRevue used it. Frankly, I cannot imagine this lyric being used by anyone professionally, unless it was a particular fit for a spoof musical. It has one or two quite clever lines but certainly lacks laughs.
Today (1 January 2017) I received a text from John White which says:
…started singing Eugene Terre Blanche to the tune of Sweet Gene Vincent in the shower this morning. One of yours – can you Ogblog it when you get a chance as it’s now an ear worm!
Well, John, what are friends for?
I want to elaborate on this one at some stage as it’s one of my faves and there are some tales to tell. But Janie and I are off to the pictures now, so you’ll have to make do with the bare minimum for now, in order to de-worm your ear.
The version below was written before I discovered NewsRevue – I’ll write more about this lyric’s journey through NewsRevue later. The extraordinary thing, to me, is that the version below will be 25 years old in a few weeks time.
