Jack Straw, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 May 1997

When Labour came to power in May 1997, I felt that I should try and give some of the new top team the treatment, but my heart wasn’t really in doing that and they hadn’t really had time to mess anything up…yet.

The attempt at Home Secretary Jack Straw below wasn’t strong enough and understandably didn’t make the cut for NewsRevue.

Makes interesting reading 20+ years later with the benefit of hindsight, though.

JACK STRAW
(To the Tune of “My Name is Jack”)

 

INTRO

My name is Jack and I sit at the back of New Labour’s front bench team;
My friends all rant and posture, while I sit and daydream.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, Straw – the team that I back,
Ought to keep home policy as splendid as before;
CHORUS: We all like Jack, but he isn’t exact-
-ly the strongest minister that Britain ever saw. (Whistle refrain)

VERSE 1

There are kids over there, who molest, rob and swear, cos they’ve never had a chance,
So I’m building lots of Borstals, which is such a modern stance;
New Labours rhyme is that we’re tough on crime and the causes of crime too,
So we’ll lock kids up….and lock more up…..what else is there to do?
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, I’m in charge of the pack,
Who make our youth justice system modern and secure;
CHORUS: We do like Jack but he’s not got much tact,
Like a friendly scarecrow all he has for brains is straw. (Whistles refrain)

VERSE 2

That twit Michael Howard was a terrible coward over Parkhurst’s retribution,
If I were Mike I’d sue the tyke who taught me elocution;
I’m on top of it all so I’m not going to fall for that nasty stuff called sleaze,
In case of doubt, I use my clout and throw away the keys.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, I’m appraised of the facts,
Like that Myra Hindley was one of the Guildford Four;
CHORUS: We did like Jack but he’s just got the knack,
Of convincing everyone that he’s some cornflakes short. (Whistles refrain)

VERSE 3

Here comes Brown with his jowls and his frown cos he can’t add up the books,
And here comes Robin Cook who’s not here for his looks;
It’s lots of fun so I’d love to run Britain after Blair,
I say that I’m ambitious, but no-one seems to care.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, you should all watch your backs,
I shall rule the country, I’ll be leader, me, Jack Straw;
CHORUS: We did like Jack, but he now seems to lack,
All the marbles that he needs to keep out of Broadmoor.
(Whistling furtively as they seize Jack)
JACK: (spoken) Are you taking me off for my coronation ceremony?
CHORUS: (restraining him, leading him off, spoken) That’s right, Jack. Just stay calm.

Below is a video of Manfred Mann singing My Name Is Jack – click here to also see the lyrics in the notes.

Taliban, NewsRevue Lyric, 22 May 1997

Back in 1997, the Taliban were not that well known and this story about their behaviour towards women was news in the West. Janie thought the story so awful she found it hard to believe that I could try and write a satirical lyric for NewsRevue about it. This lyric didn’t see the light of day until now.

TALIBAN
(To the Tune of “Carrie Anne”)

 

INTRO – CHORUS OF INFIDELS

Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Hey Taliban, hey Taliban.

VERSE 1 – A BEARDED BELIEVER (POSSIBLY A FEMALE CAST MEMBER)

In Afghanistan our laws are simple,
Men are the warriors, Women are all indoors;
New Shariah courts enforce this curfew,
What’s the attraction in what we’re doing?

CHORUS 1

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Let’s face east now, And everybody pray.

VERSE 2 – AN INFIDEL

You were always something special to me,
I got my bone up, You got all stoned up;
I attend the public executions,
Where are our women disappearing?

CHORUS 2

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Cover up now, And never show your face.

MIDDLE EIGHT – INFIDELS

(Examining the bearded believer)
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me),
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me).

CHORUS 3

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, close your girls schools, and hide your girls away?
INFIDELS: Afghanistan, you thought Russia, took liberties away.

OUTRO

ALL: Taliban, be a man, if you can, while Afghan, is Taliban!!

Below is The Hollies performing Carrie Anne:

Click this link to read the lyrics to Carrie Anne.

My Cherie Earns More, NewsRevue Lyric, 22 May 1997

May 1997 saw a landslide victory for New Labour in the general election, which changed the political landscape and also, of course, the satirical landscape too. 

Like many NewsRevue writers, I found it harder to satirise a relatively young, fresh bunch of leaders who were elected in a mood of renewed hope and promised change.

This was my first post 1997 election effort and it ran and ran in the show. I still think it is one of my better efforts.

Just in case any readers are unaware, Tony Blair was the newly elected prime minister at that time. His wife, Cherie Blair (aka Cherie Booth) a highly-successful barrister and latterly QC. 

MY CHERIE EARNS MORE
(To the Tune of “My Cherie Amour”)

INTRO

La la la, la la la;
La la la, la la-la la;

VERSE 1 – TONY

My Cherie earns more,
More than I earn as PM;
My Cherie earns more,
More than all of you could spend;
My Cherie earns more,
Because she is a leading “barristor”;
I am on the right side of the law,
But how I wish she wouldn’t smile.

VERSE 2 – CHERIE

(Cherie smiles as best she can)
In the High Court,
Donning my full robe and wig;
Not a nice thought,
But at least my pay cheque will be big;
Cos Cherie earns more,
Than Tony ever could when he did law,
That’s why he’s the mere Prime “Ministor”,
I can run the show meanwhile.

OUTRO

TONY: Cherie my darling. Who sent you those flowers at six in the morning?
CHERIE: (smiling as best she can) Mind your own fucking business and keep smiling.

Also a 22 July 1997 update version:

MY CHERIE EARNS MORE – BIG HAIR VERSION
(To the Tune of “My Cherie Amour”)

INTRO

La la la, la la la;
La la la, la la-la la;

VERSE 1 – TONY

My Cherie earns more,
More than I earn as PM;
My Cherie earns more,
More than all of you could spend;
My Cherie earns more,
Because she is a leading “barristor”;
I am on the right side of the law,
But how I wish she wouldn’t smile.

VERSE 2 – CHERIE

(Cherie smiles as best she can)
In the High Court,
With my two grand hair cut and white wig;
Not a nice thought,
But at least my pay cheque will be big;
Cos Cherie earns more,
Than Tony ever could when he did law,
That’s why he’s the mere Prime “Ministor”,
I can run the show meanwhile.

OUTRO

TONY: Cherie my darling. Who sent you those flowers at six in the morning?
CHERIE: (smiling as best she can) Mind your own fucking business and keep smiling.
TONY: But Cherie, my sweet. Did you really spend two grand on that haircut?
CHERIE: When you start earning some decent money you can start making some of the purchasing decisions.

Cherie Blair Allan Warren

The following video plays Stevie Wonder singing My Cherie Amour:

A Glass Of Water by Ludmila Petrushevskaya, Orange Tree Room, 17 May 1997

Janie and I noted “not really memorable” by this one not so long after we saw it. It sure doesn’t live in the memory now.

To be fair, we’d seen a lot of cracking theatre around that time, including Out Cry the night before.

It might be the last thing we saw in The Room at the Orange Tree – I think they topped using the room above the pub around that time.

Fortunately the local paper has a little something on it in the Newspapers.com archive.

Hounslow Chronicle Glass Of WaterHounslow Chronicle Glass Of Water 08 May 1997, Thu The Hounslow Chronicle (Hounslow, London, England) Newspapers.com

Out Cry by Tennessee Williams, Lyric Hammersmith, 16 May 1997

This Cheek By Jowl production started at the Everyman in Cheltenham and Northcott Exeter before switching to the Lyric Hammersmith. Janie and I rated this one very good. We must have been very keen to see it as we went to the penultimate performance on a Friday evening (on a weekend when we also went to The Orange Tree on the Saturday), which even for us was a bit excessive.

We are especially partial to Tennessee Williams; while this play is not “major Williams” it was still a gripping theatrical event for us.

Paul Taylor in The Independent was impressed.

Taylor Indy Out CryTaylor Indy Out Cry 25 Apr 1997, Fri The Independent (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Charles Spencer in the Telegraph, on the other hand, hated it.

Spencer Telegraph Out CrySpencer Telegraph Out Cry 29 Apr 1997, Tue The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Michael Billington in The Guardian was equivocal about it.

Billington Guardian Out CryBillington Guardian Out Cry 30 Apr 1997, Wed The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

It certainly went down well in the West Country before it came to London.

Herald Express Out CryHerald Express Out Cry 03 Apr 1997, Thu Herald Express (Torquay, Devon, England) Newspapers.com

Dona Rosita The Spinster by Federico García Lorca, Almeida Theatre, 10 May 1997

We were on quite a roll with our theatre going that spring. We thought this one was very good, as indeed we had consistently said for some time – certainly everything we had seen since our return from the Middle East.

We are both partial to a bit of Lorca, but Dona Rosita is considered to be a difficult Lorca play. This production did the piece proud.

A superb cast for this one, including Celia Imrie, Eleanor Bron, Phoebe Nicholls, Justin Salinger, Amanda Drew, Kerry Shale, Kathryn Hunter (she seemed to be everywhere at that time) with Phyllida Lloyd directing. Here is the Theatricalia entry for this one.

Our friend, Michael Billington, was suitably impressed with it.

Billington Guardian Dona RositaBillington Guardian Dona Rosita 30 Apr 1997, Wed The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Paul taylor in the Indy, similarly lauding it and comparing the piece with high-class Chekhov:

Paul Taylor Indy Dona RositaPaul Taylor Indy Dona Rosita 01 May 1997, Thu The Independent (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Kate Basset in the Telegraph was less keen:

Kate Bassett Telegraph Dona RoistaKate Bassett Telegraph Dona Roista 07 May 1997, Wed The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Not for absolutely everyone, then, but certainly good enough for us!

Everyman by Anon, RSC, The Other Place, 21 April 1997

Very good, surprisingly moving…

…was Janie’s and my verdict on this late-medieval morality play.

Our friend, Michael Billington, was not so sure:

Billington Guardian EverymanBillington Guardian Everyman 16 Nov 1996, Sat The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Unusually, Charles Spencer was more in tune with our thinking on this one:

Spencer Telegraph EverymanSpencer Telegraph Everyman 18 Nov 1996, Mon The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

It was sort-of a Complicite thing. Here is the Theatricalia entry on it.

Nicholas De Jongh in The Standard didn’t much like it either.

De Jongh Standard EverymanDe Jongh Standard Everyman 15 Nov 1996, Fri Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

But we did like it – so there!

Little Eyolf by Henrik Ibsen, RSC, Swan Theatre, 19 April 1997

Janie and I are both partial to a bit of Ibsen and partial to a bit of Stratford-Upon-Avon, so this RSC production of Little Eyolf caught our eye.

A stellar cast and crew, including Robert Glenister, Joanne Pearce and Damian Lewis, directed by Adrian Noble. The Theatricalia entry for this one can be found here.

We rated this production very good, as did our friend Michael Billington in The Guardian:

Billington Guardian EyolfBillington Guardian Eyolf 21 Dec 1996, Sat The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Nicholas De Jongh in The Standard was less sure:

De Jongh Standard EyolfDe Jongh Standard Eyolf 19 Dec 1996, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Charles Spencer in The Telegraph spoke very highly of it:

Spencer Telegraph EyolfSpencer Telegraph Eyolf 20 Dec 1996, Fri The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

A Crazy Fortnight, Then Up To Stratford-Upon-Avon, 6 to 18 April 1997

The Shakespeare Hotel by Rept0n1x, CC BY-SA 3.0

After our mega trip to the Middle East, our homecoming and then The Homecoming…

…the sort of fortnight that looks, twenty-five years later, like an utterly mad way to over-fill one’s diary and hare around the country like a mad thing.

A tour for Barnardo’s. with whom I was working quite a lot back then, took in Yorkshire, Wales and Barkingside in the space of a few days, interrupted only for some meetings with other clients and a foreshortened weekend which included dinner with Janie’s lovely neighbours, Hussein and Saji on the Saturday.

I guess the frantic aspect of the work was somewhat self-inflicted, as I had arranged a proper long weekend in Stratford only a couple of weeks after returning from a three-week holiday.

Our main purpose in Stratford was to take in a couple of plays, which I shall write up individually and separately. On this slightly extended visit I do recall also having the time to have a proper good wander around the town and take in some of the touristic sites we wouldn’t normally find time to see when visiting Stratford for the theatre.

Was I welcome in these places or was I Bard?

We stayed on until Tuesday 22 April and went to a Seder (perhaps at Jacquie’s, perhaps at Mum & Dad’s) the evening of our return.

Twinkle Twinkle, NewsRevue Quickie Lyric, 15 April 1997

Not much to say about this one. I cannot remember whether or not it was used.

TWINKLE TWINKLE
(Quickie to the Tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”)

VERSE 1

Twinkle Twinkle little comet,
How this bother makes me vomit.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Hale-Bopp in the sky so high,
Loony Heaven’s Gate folk die.

OUTRO

Twinkle Twinkle little comet,
Head like Wallace, arse like Gromett.

Below is a video of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with the lyrics on screen: