We didn’t book much theatre or concert stuff that autumn, what with the birth of Z/Yen and all that going on, but we did book a handful of things we couldn’t bear to miss. This was one of those. Edward Albee’s new play, Three Tall Women.
Janie even put aside her Maggie Smith aversion in the interests of seeing this one.
Michael Billington interviewed Edward Albee ahead of the press night:
Ben Murphy is/was a very funny fellow and I enjoyed doing business with him. But several of the NewsRevue writers struggled with him, usually at the “getting paid” level.
He certainly wasn’t very business-like (but then nor are some of the NewsRevue lot), so I suspect that my correspondence felt a bit more urgent to him.
I always got paid eventually, for as long as he wanted more material, as I’d simply withhold new stuff until I was paid for the old stuff after a while.
The other problem dealing with him was working out where he was. He moved around a lot, partly for summer season purposes but possibly for other reasons. I hope he didn’t pay me rather than the rent that month…perhaps that explains the move.
I got paid and got continuing business for a couple more years. Ben started calling me Z/Ian after the second of the letters below.
Ben Murphy 12 October 1994
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
SONGS
As promised, Ben, here are those new songs. Hope you can use them..
Looking forward to receiving the dosh soon. Hope to increase my volume of output again shortly – so watch this space.
Do let me have your new address and phone number a.s.a.p. Speak to you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
encs
…and with a little more urgency…
Ben Murphy 15 November 1994
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
THANKS FOR THE MEMORY
Thank you for the telephone message that I have just received. I hope this letter gets to you, as your message did not identify your new address and telephone number.
I enclose copies of my fee notes (bloody yuppie he’s becoming) and copies of the very small number of new songs I’ve produced since we last spoke (nice guy ‘tho’, how could you possibly hate him on principle?).
I shall resort to private detectives and all sorts of shit unless I get a new address and telephone number out of you by the end of the month. I’ve just got to get these new songs to you!!
Love and kisses.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
Encs.
…and the invoices…
INVOICE
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Ben Murphy Date: 12 September 1994
Tax point:14 August 1994
(Wells address redacted)
INVOICE TO: Ben Murphy
ACCOUNT REF: MU01
INVOICE NO: 02003
In respect of songs and sundry patter for your summer season, May to 12 August 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 150.00
VAT – NIL (PRE REGISTRATION) –
LESS: ADVANCE PAID 25.00
————-
TOTAL £125.00
========
This amount is now due. Many thanks in advance of your prompt attention.
INVOICE – FILE COPY VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Ben Murphy Date: 12 September 1994
Taxpoint: 12 September 1994
(Wells address redacted)
INVOICE TO: Ben Murphy
ACCOUNT REF: MU01
INVOICE NO: 02004
In respect of songs and sundry patter for your summer season, mid August to September 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 25.53
VAT @ 17.5% 4.47
————-
TOTAL £30.00
========
This amount is now due. Many thanks in advance of your prompt attention.
In the annals of accountancy folk lore, 9 November 1994 will forever be an historic day, not that you would easily find a reference to it on-line…
…until now.
For that evening in 1994 was the very first Accountancy Age Awards, now operated as a separate venture by the looks of it and/or rebranded as the British Accountancy Awards.
And I was there.
Not just there, I was an honoured guest. For I had been one of the judges on one of the panels for that very first year of the Accountancy Awards. I had been on the judging panel for accounting systems, no less. Selected for the role while I still worked for Binder Hamlyn, although I had left to form Z/Yen in the meantime. Accountancy Age were told about the move but didn’t mind. Nor did Binders.
A few weeks or months earlier, while still at Binders.
According to my 1994 diary, I spent the afternoon of 13 September 1994 at the Accountancy Age offices. During those few hours, I and the rest of the panel “examined” several systems, to decide which were worthy of awards. You can imagine just how methodical and scientific that judging process must have been.
It was my first experience on an awards judging panel and I learnt a lot that afternoon to stand me in good stead since, whenever I have subsequently sat on (or in some cases chaired) such panels… mostly I learnt how NOT to judge awards from the Accountancy Awards experience.
But on awards night itself the judging was all behind me. My hard work was done. My black tie outfit was donned. I think I might have still been hiring black tie gear back then. It looks from my diary as though I worked from home that day, thus avoiding the worst excesses of “black tie day misery”: lugging clobber around all day, knowing you’ll have to change into that tux in some smelly bog, early evening. Or, in many ways worse, wandering around town all day in black tie, explaining to each client in the morning and afternoon meetings that you are so darned busy with back-to-back meetings that you are already dressed for a pompous evening do.
I have two lingering but fitful memories from the evening. The first relates to Bob Monkhouse, who hosted the show. I remember discovering that Debbie Barham was writing gags for Bob Monkhouse when he did this kind of gig, by mentioning this event to Debbie at a NewsRevue writers meeting. Debbie was a young, supremely talented comedy writer, whose subsequent tragic story was posthumously written by her dad in this book – click here.
I cannot remember whether Debbie and I had that conversation about Bob before or after the event itself. I do remember that, once we’d had that conversation, I’d get occasional e-mails from Debbie (she, like me, was a relatively early e-mail adopter) asking me for background information, buzz phrases or just something for her to latch onto when she was writing patter for similar commercial events, usually for Monkhouse or another serial awards offender, such as Ned Sherrin or Rory Bremner. Little did I know at that time how obsessive Debbie’s work habits would become and how tragically her situation would end.
But on the Accountancy Awards evening itself, I recall finding Bob Monkhouse’s jokes rather predictable but very professionally served. As was the food.
My second memory relates to George Littlejohn. By good chance, I was placed next to George. He was also an honoured guest, in his case in the capacity of a former editor of Accountancy Age magazine. George had subsequently moved on to bigger and better things; yes that really is possible.
George is a most interesting chap with a very good sense of humour. The latter came in especially handy that evening. There is always something incongruous/pompous about awards ceremonies done “Oscars-style” for matters less glamorous and more mundane than the Oscars. Accountancy Awards, for example, are, in my opinion, just a tad less glamorous and a smidgen more mundane than Oscars.
Perhaps George Littlejohn remembers the evening differently; if so, I hope he chimes in with a comment or three. We’ve kept in touch all these years, our business interests overlapping occasionally, but in any case we always enjoy meeting up. I occasionally run into George at cultural events, as indeed I did on New Years Day 2017 at the Curzon Bloomsbury – click here – which triggered me to write up this 1994 event now.
I particularly recall the last award, Accountant of the Year, being delivered with extreme fanfare, won by a big-haired young woman. Her excellence as an accountant I couldn’t possibly question, but it seemed (to us at least) that she had primarily been chosen for the award because she would utterly look the part in the press photos. In any event, she rapidly got busy, kissing Bob Monkhouse spontaneously, looking elatedly happy and supremely excited about it all. Meanwhile, the flash guns went on firing and the thumping music went on blaring. George and I couldn’t stop giggling for quite some while.
Still, the event must have been a great success – it is still being held every year, at the same venue I believe – for sure it was again at The Brewery, Chiswell Street in 2016. The event even has its own website and strap line – click here.
So perhaps it’s no surprise that there is no record on-line from the 1994 event; who needs it? As another great George, Santayana in this case, succinctly put it:
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
Presumably someone found a yeti’s remains in Hunan province.
I don’t think this lyric made it into NewsRevue.
BLACK YETI
(A Quickie To the Tune of “Black Betty”)
VERSE ONE
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
The Yeti has been seen – Hunan man,
In a Chinese ravine – Hunan man;
He’s abominable -Hunan man,
And he finds it hard to pull – Hunan man;
We’ll make his mark -wo-oh Black Yeti,
A Chinese theme park – wo-oh Black Yeti;
Hunan man.
VERSE TWO
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
Boy that Yeti was mean – Hunan man
Fried up with yellow bean – Hunan man;
Black Yeti was a male – Hunan man,
We threw him in jail – Hunan man;
Without a trial – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Chinese style – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Human rights.
Sorry, human rights is off. Try number 23 – summary execution without trial or appeal.
Here is Ram Jam singing Black Betty with lyrics on the screen:
If my memory serves me correctly, we saw Peer Gynt as a matinee on the Saturday and then Twelfth Night in the evening. It might have been the other way around.
Anyway, Janie and I voted this one very good, as indeed we voted Peer Gynt.
Coincidentally, I realise at the time of writing (October 2019, almost exactly 25 years later), Janie and I saw Emma Fielding star at Stratford again last week in A Museum In Baghdad.
If my memory serves me correctly, we saw this play as a matinee on the Saturday and then Twelfth Night in the evening. It might have been the other way around.
Janie and I are fans of Ibsen for the moral dramas; this play is very different – a fantasy poem of sorts, although grounded in Ibsen’s family experience. Wikipedia explains the play well here.
But who needs experts? Janie and I thought it was a very good production, so it was just that. Alex Jennings memorable in the lea but well supported by the whole cast.
In amongst the heave of getting Z/Yen started that autumn, Janie and I did make the time for a solitary long weekend in Stratford-Upon-Avon, during which we saw three plays.
Not exactly a rest cure…
…said Janie, when I latterly (c25 years later, October 2019) showed her the evidence of that weekend.
The evidence shows that we stayed at The Shakespeare Hotel that time; I think for the second and possibly the last time. We found the room a bit pokey.
Anyway, we saw this David Edgar play on the Friday evening and thought it superb. I’ve always been a fan of Edgar’s plays and this is a good example of his work.
Anyway, we loved this play/production, that’s for sure. The notion of art and culture fusing/transferring both from west to east and from east to west is more or less received wisdom now, but the debate in the play, especially while the southern slavic region of Europe was still in turmoil, felt very topical and of the moment in 1994.
Did we eat in Fatty Arbuckle’s that evening? Quite possibly, but unless more evidence turns up we’ll not know for sure.
This was one of my favourites at the time and it got a long run in NewsRevue. Michael Heseltine was Trade and Industry Secretary…but I couldn’t spell Heseltine.
Unemployment was high back then.
I’LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER JOB
(To the Tune of “I’ll Never Find Another You”)
INTRO
You remember The Seekers, you remember The New Seekers, now meet The Job Seekers!
VERSE 1
There is new work some place,
But God alone knows where;
I might find work some day,
But I may have to share.
It is hurtful and demeaning,
When folk say I’m a slob;
Cos they know I’ll never find another job.
VERSE 2
While the rich get richer,
The poor will get more poor;
Now the bastard SS,
Won’t pay us any more.
Still they’re filled with awe and wonder,
If poor folk beg and rob;
Cos they know they’ll never find another job.
MIDDLE EIGHT
It’s a long term problem,
So please be more kind;
We can’t all be rich like Michael Hestletine, Hestletine.
VERSE 3
There’s this new scheme Workfare,
To further break our soul;
Cos the day it’s over,
We’re straight back on the dole.
So if I met Peter Lilley,
I’d punch him in the gob;
Cos he knows I’ll never find another job.
OUTRO
And if I could rule the country,
I’d sack that Tory mob;
And make sure they never find another job.
Here is The Seekers singing I’ll Never Find Another You with the lyrics on the screen:
A medley of lyrics about Tory sleaze that work well with early Beatles hit tunes.
I really like the first two lines. The rest isn’t too bad either.
SLEAZE MEDLEY
(To Various Beatles Tunes)
SLEAZE, SLEAZE, DEALS
(To the tune of “Please Please Me”)
Last night I said these words to Michael,
How much must I pay for a title?
A song (a song), you’re on (I’m on), the pong (what pong?), so strong (so strong);
Sleaze, sleaze deals, oh yeh, what questions must I ask?
Papers make their allegations,
“Benefits and compensations” they said,
(Al-Fayed),
Our regime will battle on,
Despite Tim Smith and Hamilton’s
Denoue-ment, yeh, ‘tho’ Neil says that he’ll sue.
MONEY (FOR QUESTIONS ASKED)
(To the tune of “Money , That’s What I Want”)
The best things in life are free,
But we Tories still prefer to sleaze,
Cos we want money (for questions asked)
For questions asked (and weapons passed)
And weapons passed (young Thatcher’s task)
Just ask young Mark (that’s Thatcher’s Mark).
SHE BACKED YOU
(To the tune of “She loves you”)
MAGGIE: You think you’ve sold a gun,
MARK I sold it yesterday-ay;
MAGGIE: You drove out to Oman,
And you got lost on the way-ay.
Your mother backed you,
MARK: So I knew that sheikh would bid;
MAGGIE: Because I backed you,
You have earned 12 million quid
ALL: Oooooohhhhhhhh
CHORUS: She backed him (yeh, yeh ,yeh),
Should have whacked him (yeh, yeh, yeh),
But with a mum like that, we knew he’d turn out bad;
And with a son like that we knew ………….she’d end up………..MAD!!
(Either: BLACKOUT or Yeh yeh yeh, yeh yeh yeh, yeh yeh yeh yeh!!
or perhaps even Blair Blair Blair, Blair Blair Blair, Blair Blair Blair Blair!!!!!)
Here are some YouTubes – the first is a poor live performance but it is The Beatles and has the lyrics underneath the vid if you click through to YouTube proper:
Here is the Barrett Strong version of Money, with lyrics on the screen:
Then back to poor live Beatles with the lyrics underneath if you click through for She Loves You:
When Janie and I were first going out with each other, we’d sometimes have Sunday lunch with Kim, Micky, DJ, Gary, Clifford and others. Occasionally Gary’s dad, Harold Davison, would join us.
Harold took an interest in my lyric writing and occasionally asked me to write a lyric for performance at a private party. The lyrics were sometimes to be performed by Harold’s wife, Marion Ryan. Sometimes by Frank Sinatra.
This one was for a banker friend of theirs and I recall it was to be performed by Marion Ryan (although Sinatra had made the song Laura famous, of course).
Harold was most encouraging and more than once said that I should try writing “real lyrics”, reminding me that Sammy Cahn had started by writing spoofs a bit like mine. Flattery will get you everywhere.
On reflection, I suspect that Sammy Cahn (who was very much part of Harold and Marion’s entourage) had been their party lyricist until his untimely demise…around the time Harold started tapping me up for these things…
…still, you can do worse than be the replacement lyricist for Sammy Cahn, even when it is only for private party freebies.
ARTHUR (To the Tune of “Laura”)
VERSE 1
Arthur, Mr Crames who is sixty, turns Share deals, that will rise, never fall; Self made, warm-hearted and from Bear Stearns, But won’t say what he earns, At all;
VERSE 2
You won’t see Arthur, On the plane that is passing through, He likes, ranch and beach to be near; He gave the very best meals to you, So for Arthur, Let’s all give a huge cheer.
Here’s Sinatra singing Laura, with lyrics on the screen:
Postscript
I subsequently found a later version of the Arthur lyric. Then it dawned on me; Harold sent me a recording of Marion Ryan singing the song, so the second version must be my transcription of their tweaked version of the lyric.
It also dawned on me that I might even find the recording somewhere…