What a cast! Daniel Craig, Susan Engel, Clare Holman, Stephen Dillane, Harry Towd…directed by Declan Donnellan too.
I insisted that Janie go alone to see Perestroika and she told me at the time that it was not as good as Millenium Approaches. But was she saying that just to be kind or was she saying that because she got less enjoyment without me or was she saying that because actually the first part is the better part?
I gave it the lyrics treatment and I think this one went down well in NewsRevue.
_ ROYALTIES IN THE UK _
(To the Tune of "Anarchy In The UK")
(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. novel-iste, be-ography etc)
INTRO
Write now……(that’s w.r.i.t.e. ha ha ha ha)
VERSE 1
I was an anarchist, Now I’m a novelist; I still can’t pronounce and I still seldom rhyme, I wanna compose a book of prose; Cos I wanna Bi-ography.
VERSE 2
Not all the Pistols could survive, Vicious is an adjective; It also is a proper noun, I think I’d better write that down. Cos I wanna be literary.
VERSE 3
A history of the punk age, Use a safety pin to mark the page; You wouldn’t have bet, That I am literate, But this author’s scheme, Is for an income stream.
OUTRO
Cos I wanna see royalties, (And I don’t mean the monarchy); I want literary royalties, (From the public library), Cos I wanna be wealthy!!
Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:
Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:
The British National Party (BNP) was the most prominent far-right political party in the UK at that time. I wanted to have a rant about them and who could blame me?
I don;t think this lyric has enough going on though, so unsurprisingly I’m pretty sure it wasn’t used.
_ BNP _
(For Skins and Niceguys To the Tune of "ABC")
INTRO
Do-do-do, do-do-do; do-do-do, do-do-do;
VERSE
SKINS:We’re born and bred in Millwall, Which is also known as Isle of Dogs; SKIN 1:I-I-I’m proud to be a Brit cos I’m as thick as shit, SKIN 2:We hate Jews and gays and wogs. NICEGUYS:Now now now fascism is rising {SKINS: rising, rising} NICEGUYS:From London to Ukraine {SKINS: where the hell’s Ukraine?} NICEGUYS:To preach foul prejudice, All you have to do is join a group like this.
CHORUSES
SKINS:The BNP, ain’t Liberal Democracy, My factional tendency, is Nazi, BNP is the group for me. NICEGUYS:BNP, bigoted policy, God help the Bangladeshis, who must be, All at sea with the BNP now. NICEGUYS:Fascist louts are dumb, Senior Berlusconi won the eye tie vote with tit and bum. SKINSBNP, like fascists in Italy, {NICEGUYS:BNP is evil it is full of racist people SKINS:Just purchase Milan AC, and TV, {NICEGUYS:Tit and bum And Saatchi for your victory. NICEGUYS:Cos that’s how racist hate achieves, In West Ferry and Italy, So don’t cede, To Nazis!!!.
Below is a video with The Jackson 5 singing ABC and the lyrics on the screen:
25 years ago (as I write in April 2019), we had a Tory government hopelessly split over Europe, a Prime Minister in John Major who seemed to be hanging onto his job by a thread and cruel economic winds blowing through the UK economy.
But returning to April 1994, here’s the little lyric I wrote about the pathetic government of the time…which seems just a little less pathetic now, comparatively speaking:
_ I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT _
(To the Tune of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again")
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you reach the top? A cabinet full of folk who hate yer, Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer; I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you meet Delors? A larger block vote with no concessions, Subsidise Frog and Kraut recessions; I’ll never fall in line again, with Michael Hestletine again.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
CHORUS:Don’t tell us what it’s all about, Cos Major’s in and we’ll chuck him out; MAJOR:What would Ken Clarke or Hestletine do, To get us out of deep deep swine do?
VERSE 3 – CHORUS OF TORIES
What do we read in opinion polls? A Nation that says it hates John Major, Careerist MPs will all upstage yer, John cannot run a cabinet, John cannot run a cabinet.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
MAJOR:Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out, Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt; CHORUS:We’d prefer Hurd or Gini Bottomley, MAJOR:You bastards need a frontal lobotomy.
VERSE 3 – ALL THE TORIES
What do you get when your leader falls? Another arsehole with no direction; But still we should win the next election, You’re bound to vote us in again, (God knows why but) you’re bound to vote us in again.
As it happens, the public didn’t vote them in again, but it did take three more years before they got the boot. Just before they got the boot in May 1997, I wrote this update of the above lyric, which got the piece a revival in NewsRevue.
I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT – 1997 REMIX (To the Tune of “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
VERSE 1 What do you get when you reach the top? A cabinet full of folk who hate yer, Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer; I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
MIDDLE EIGHT Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out, Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt; Some folks say we’re unelectable, Even though we’re Eurosceptical..
VERSE 2 What do we read in opinion polls? A Nation that says it hates John Major, Careerist MPs will all upstage yer, I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
Below is a video of Dionne Warwick singing I’ll Never Fall In Love Again with the lyrics on the screen:
What I knew about contemporary television could have been written on the back of a postage stamp in 1994 – I hadn’t had a TV for years.
But I did know who Julie Goodyear was, because my parents watched Coronation Street regularly.
_ JULIE GOODYEAR QUICKIE _
(To the Tune of "I want to sing in opera")
(Manchester accent is virtually compulsory for this quickie)
VERSE
I want a show like Oprah’s, I’ve got her kind of chat; I don’t much look like Oprah, For one,I’m not so fat.
CHORUS I’m Julie Goodyear, But Oprah has nought she should fear, Although I’ve now got, My soap Oprah, It has not proved so popular, So far. (Ta very much and goodnight).
I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack consists of new songs, songs currently in the show and one or two rewrites of older ones etc. If you want me to work on an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Feel free to call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Hopefully the bank holiday should give me time to write some more, if the inspiration is forthcoming.
There must have been something in the news about sex education to trigger this one. Probably the perennial debate about whether it should be a job for parents or teachers.
Nice idea but doesn’t really work as a lyric, in retrospect.
_ TEACH YOUR CHILDREN SEX _
(To the Tune of “Teach Your Children Well”)
VERSE 1 – PARENTS
You, who are under age, must have a stage, Prone to suggestion; And you, who are in your youth, are so uncouth, That you ask questions.
CHORUS 1 – STILL THE PARENTS
Teach your children sex, make sure the text, Is not offensive; And teach, the birds and bees, the storks and trees, To be defensive. Why are our brats carping us, what’s the point of asking us, “Mummy, what’s cunnilingus?” (parents look at each other, shrug, and concede.) An Irish airline?. (Bickering alternately. “Isn’t it?” “I don’t know. You tell them.” “Ask your father.” “Ask your mum.” “Ask one of your teachers.”)
VERSE 2 – CHILDREN {WITH PARENTS HARMONICALLY}
Adults, do not always know, what they should show, {Don’t ask questions, no suggestions, don’t be rude dear, don’t be crude dear} In pocket sex guides; Like cults, in the back of cars, with a king size Mars, {Generations, revelations, explanations, sexplanations,} And packs of girl guides.
CHORUS 2 – THE CHILDREN CONCLUDE
Teach your parents sex, a bag and flex, Is not suggested; And tease them with your dream, Hagan Daz ice cream, Can be digested; Don’t you ask them what they know, they are as thick as Fabio, And so they think fellatio’s an Eyetie model. (Father in Fabio voice: “I believe that love between two people is fantastic, as long as you are between the right two people. I never got that joke neither and I’m really intelligent”).
Below is a video with Crosby Stills Nash and Young singing Teach Your Children Well and some scenes from a movie named Melody:
I assigned the rights to the lyric to the charity, which will have made it a few bob.
The version below is dated November 1995 on the computer, but the original was written in March 1994; I think I might have revived it unchanged because of a fresh sunbed cancer scare story.
SUNBED
(To the Tune of “Sunny”)
VERSE 1
Sunbed, yesterday my skin was pale and white,
Sunbed, until I used your ultraviolet light;
Now my sunbed is made, I look like a joke,
Indoors with my shades and rum and coke;
Sunbed tan of gold, I’ve been sold.
VERSE 2
Sunbed, thank you for your ultraviolet rays,
Sunbed, you took away the acne from my face;
You gave to me a golden tan,
But may decrease my life span;
Sunbed I feel swell, I look well.
VERSE 3
Sunbed, now my skin looks like taramasalata,
Sunbed, I hope these blotches aren’t melanomata,
You made me dream of Barcelona,
Now I’ve gleaned carcinoma,
Sunbed I’m not telling, I’ve seen swelling.
VERSE 4
Sunbed, yesterday I lost my sense of humour,
Sunbed, when they diagnosed malignant tumour;
I spent all my cash, to try to look sunned,
I wish I’d endowed a cancer fund;
Sunbed you’re a curse,
I look worse,
Than my Macmillan nurse.
(Rather sinister looking Macmillan nurse – man in drag? – helps the victim off the stage)
I apologise for the recent dearth of my material or indeed my very appearance. I can only attribute the problem to vast excesses of work. Unfortunately, I have been too busy even to get an absence note from my parents. Fear not. I expect to be with you this week with some friends in tow. I also hope the bank holiday weekend will give me a chance to produce yet more fresh material.
I also have some news for the “where are they now?” department. I spied Richard Katz (ex Laura’s run, October 1992) at the National Theatre in Caryl Churchill’s new play “The Skriker”. I must admit, I didn’t recognise him until about half way through the play during a song and dance routine with Richard wearing plastic flowers on his back. (Naturally, this behaviour made the News Revue memories come flooding back).
Be that as it may, I look forward to seeing you all on Thursday.
The saga of Spitting Image having put me in touch with NewsRevue in the first place and then tentatively coming back into my writing life (never to be fulfilled in a Spitting Image sense) continued…
Chris Edge 27 March 1994 Spitting Image 17-19 Plumber’s Row London E1 1EQ
Dear Chris
SONG TORTURE
Thank you for your kind note and for passing my Domestic fuel song on to the new worthies.
I write a great many lyrics (about 50 pieces a year), many of which are performed at News Revue. I enclose a small sample of work from the past few months.
Your new regime might be seeking new approaches to the show. I should be happy to try and match my writing to your requirements if you let me know what you want.
Billington On Angels Kushner Sat, Jan 25, 1992 – 21 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
