…but it must have happened, otherwise I wouldn’t have written the following letter:
Brian Hilling 28 December 1993 Spitting Image 17-19 Plumber’s Row London E1 1EQ
Dear Brian
DOMESTIC FUEL
Thank you so much for taking an interest in “Domestic Fuel” and for your call. I enclose a copy of the letter I have written to Bill plus a copy of the song for good measure.
Please do not hesitate to heap praise on my work and leave me messages of encouragement whenever you wish.
But over that Christmas break I had a rich flowering of creative energy for NewsRevue, the first of which was this medley lyric, written on Christmas Eve.
The central conceit of it as topical humour was a news item I read that said that Meatloaf was drinking his own urine on his doctor’s advice to help his voice. Yet that specific aspect plays only a small part of the medley.
This lyric ran long in the show and in more than one format. My abiding memory has the great Paul Cawley singing the lead, but several performers capable of delivering belters did it justice.
_ MEDLEY FROM HELL _ (A Meatloaf Mini Opera)
There is nothing a director could do to desecrate this piece. Motorcycles, blood and Gothic monstrosities would all be welcomed by the author.
NEIGHBOURS FROM HELL 1 (To the Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell”)
(Chorus or single voice other than Meatloaf sings) He was born down in Texas many decades ago and his parents called him Marvin Aday, But he said he would sooner change his name to Meatloaf because he eats a hundred burgers a day; He was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and he took it for three hundred quid, He was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie, (Enter Meatloaf outrageously, singing..) But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;
(Now Meatloaf sings and Chorus hums refrain {sic}) But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose, So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce; And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well, But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain, Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.
(Chorus sings gleefully) And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes, Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums, And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes, So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon; (Meatloaf sings mournfully) But as I’ve sung so loud since the early seventies, I’m losing my voice too soon.
I PUT MY URINE INTO MY MOUTH (To The Tune of “You Took The Words Right Out of My Mouth”
And so I put my urine into my mouth, Think my doctor must have took the piss; I put my urine into my mouth, Cos the doctor swore that it just about might save my volume, CHORUS:volume, And so I put my urine into my mouth, CHORUS:think his doctor must have took the piss, I put my urine into my mouth……..
I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR CASH (To the Tune of “I Would Do Anything For Love”)
……Cos I would do anything for slush, Yes I would do anything for dosh, Yes I would do anything for cash, But I won’t lose fat, No I won’t lose fat.
FATTER THAN HELL II (To another bit of the tune “Bat Out Of Hell”)
So now I’m fatter than hell, And now my stomach has swelled, And my bladder as well.
Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS: like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented), Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS: like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented). And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!
Below is Bat Out Of Hell by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the lyrics don’t even start until 1’55”
Below is You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth by Meatloaf with the lyrics on the screen, but do bear in mind that the relevant “took the words right out of my mouth” ones don’t come up until 2’05”
Below is the official video for I Would Do Anything For Love by Meatloaf, which gives the motorcycles and Gothic feel, which is probably more useful than the lyrics for this one:
In early 1994, I rewrote a scaled down solo version of this piece, with just the “Fatter Than Hell” refrain. Probably on request. I think both versions were used at one time or another:
_ FATTER THAN HELL _
(A Meatloaf Monstorosity To The Tune of “Bat Out Of Hell)
VERSE 1
I was born down in Texas many decades ago and my parents called me Marvin Aday, But I said I would sooner change my name to Meatloaf because I eat a hundred burgers a day; I was offered Eddie’s role in the Rocky Horror Show and I took it for three hundred quid, I was the Hot Patootie in the Rocky Horror movie, But when the song said Eddie, never loved his teddy, they knew I was a no good kid;
VERSE 2
But my records weren’t selling and my belly was swelling so Jim Steinman said that I should cut loose, So I peddled my soul to that devil Rock’n’roll now my songs all sound like copies of Bruce; And it isn’t much fun imitating Born To Run as I cannot warble nearly as well, But I shouldn’t complain, should be laughing like a drain, Cos I’ve made a pile like a fat cat out of hell.
CHORUS
And all your neighbours from hell play Meatloaf till the morning comes, Eighty five decibels and the neighbours bang the floor like drums drums drums, And if you call the old Bill they don’t show up till the morning comes, So you crawl off to work and you feel like a burk when you fall asleep at noon; But I’ve been eating so much since the early seventies, inflating like a balloon……
FINALE
So now I’m fatter than hell, And now my stomach has swelled, And my bladder as well.
Yes now I’m fatter than hell(CHORUS: like a fat cat from hell his record sales are unrelented), Yes I’m as fat as a bell(CHORUS: like Mr Blobby as well these fatsos are not talented). And yet my records still sellllllllllllllllllllll!
The grueling experience that was the journey home from this wonderful holiday is well documented in my letters of complaint (which follow).
My main beef was the diabolical service and poor hygiene on the replacement plane, especially the Jakarta to Bangkok leg, plus the constant “goal-post moving” in terms of what we were told about the timing of when we’d get back to Heathrow…not the fact that a scheduled plane was delayed due to a technical problem.
Connoisseurs of complaint letters, dissembling responses to complaint letters and follow up complaints complaining about the dissembling responses as well as the original complaint…
I do recall a friend of mine, familiar with airlines from being “in the business”, reporting that Garuda Indonesia was known in the trade at that time simply as “Ruder”, in honour of it’s infamous service ethos.
My only other strong memory of this matter – absent from the complaint but vivid in my memory – was Janie’s ability to sleep on hard plastic chairs in bright lighting and with large noisy tour groups marching back and forth past our seats at Jakarta airport. No-one other than Janie in out unfortunate collection of passengers got a wink of sleep in those circumstances. I also recall some of the other passengers finding Janie’s ability to just curl up and sleep that way very amusing.
10th December – Lazy day by pool. Rose quite early. Swam etc. Took brave approach to sun for most of day – afternoon went down to shopping centre and walked back through Nusa Dua market – bought several gifts & goodies for ourselves – took some more sun / swam and then prepared to go out for our Babi Guleng which was wonderful but far too much for two – we ended up sharing our meal with other diners and the restaurant staff. Also tasted turtle which was good.
Well, we had been warned a couple of nights before that babi guling, which is a whole suckling pig, was a feast for several people, not just two people. Still, it was fun sharing it with other eager diners and the restaurant staff. I don’t in truth remember the turtle. Janie probably thought it tasted like chicken and I probably didn’t. I suspect that it isn’t the done thing to eat it any more, if indeed it was still the done thing in 1993.
11th December – Lazy day by pool – late start again. Took much sun and swimming. Had some lunch by pool & took canoes out in afternoon. Janie did most of the packing & then we went to seafood restaurant in evening for lobster/prawns. Fairly early night. (I finished Wilderness of Mirrors 10th & started London Fields 11th).
I don’t think the canoeing was a great success, but nor was it a disaster in those tranquil waters.
The nice musician in the restaurant gave me a chance to try his traditional Balinese bamboo instrument, known as rindik.
12 December – I rose early – getting deep into London Fields – we went to Galleria to sort out boarding passes etc. – then went down the pool for final few hours of sunning, swimming, barbecue lunch & last of the amazing sol ice cream milkshakes…
…Left for home 4:00 pm and spent several irritating hours delayed at Jakarta
OMG that flight home with Garuda Indonesia is another story – which I’ll write up at some point. Let’s leave this story with me and Janie by the pool and on the beach.
All the photos we took on those three days – by which I mean all 22 photos – can be seen in raw form in the Flickr album below:
At some point during our stay in Bali, in December 1993, Ged and Daisy “arrived”.
In fact, the first of our characters to arrive were The Clanricardes – Hugo, who is the Marquis of Clanricarde and his wife, Celia, the Marchioness. Lord & Lady C seemed to find the heat and the dust of the tropics terribly, terribly tiresome. They were barely able to find the energy to call upon the servants to do their bidding for them…not that there was much bidding to do, given that they were all on holiday in a hotel.
The Clanricarde’s servants, Ged and Daisy, emerged towards the end of our stay in Bali. Sweet and simple both, Ged and Daisy are a very willing pair…although perhaps more willing towards each other than towards Lord & Lady C. In truth, Ged and Daisy turned out to be quite bolshy towards The Clanricardes, somehow ensuring that the choicest privileges accrued to themselves, while Lord & Lady C had to make do with the lesser pickings.
Ged and Daisy, perennially 20 years old, remained pretty much a private matter for many years…
…until my involvement started with the Middlesex Till We Die website, around 2004, when I decided that Ged should represent my less serious side as a web presence.
Writing under Ged’s name was also supposed to help keep my genuine identity a mystery to most people around Lord’s and Middlesex. But it is hard to be a nom de plume laden, international man of mystery, when someone like Vinny Codrington, the Chief Executive of Middlesex at the time, would holler, “hello Ged” at the top of his voice whenever he saw me.
Then when Facebook came along, it seemed to make sense as a medium for keeping in touch with younger people, such as the nephews and nieces (remember when Facebook was for younger people?), so it only seemed right in those early days for their Facebook friends to be similarly young and less obviously their uncle.
As a budding writer, the “20 year old Ged” needed an image which, in the tradition of writers’ images, was taken a few years earlier. Hence this “16 going on 17” image, which became Ged Ladd’s avatar.
On Facebook, for many years, Ged seemed able to remain 20 on-line in the same way as he remained 20 by assertion in the real world. In 2007, when Ged started on Facebook, he claimed to have been born in 1987. For several years, on his birthday, he rolled his birth date forward a year, so he remained 20. Facebook would ask the occasional “are you sure?” type question, but would always allow the roll…until 2014, when Facebook refused to allow Ged to roll forward the year. An error message solemnly decreed that Ged Ladd had changed his birth year at least three times and that he needed to write an explanation to Facebook Central to get permission if he wanted to change the year again.
So Ged’s Facebook birth year has remained 1993 since 2013. How did those Facebook people know that the character Ged Ladd really was “born”, in 1993. Those Facebook algorithms must be truly remarkable.
Subsequently, of course, Ged’s Facebook presence has fallen into decline. It is mostly on cricket websites such as King Cricket and such places that the nom de plume Ged Ladd persists.
Meanwhile the sugary icons that are Ged and Daisy (see top photo and again below) entered our lives atop my birthday cake in 2012 and certainly represent what is left of the sweet side of our natures, 25 years on and counting.
9th December – Day trip to Lombok – early start (7:30 meet) – drive to harbour to meet hydrofoil – 2 hr trip to Lombok…
The things I especially remember about that hydrofoil was how crowded it was and the big screen film shows to keep the passengers occupied. Most of the passengers were local people, but most of the films were short British comedy shows of a fairly slapstick variety. I recall Mr Bean, Benny Hill and I think they showed Futtocks End on one leg of the journey too.
Met at other end – we are touring with five Germans and three guides – (two German, one for us!). Went to see weaving village (Sukarara)…
…and then pottery village (Banyumulek)…
I suspect that Lombok is still somewhat behind Bali as a tourist destination, but in 1993 there were not that many Western tourists going there and it really was a long way behind Bali. I’ll guess it might seem very commercially-touristic now, visiting these villages.
…then toured a Sasak village – Rambitan – (very primitive)…
…and then on to Kuta Beach for lunch and then Tanjungaan (Lovely beach). Finally stopped at Batik painting workshop near Rambitan before returning to harbour for homebound journey. Got home quite late (8.00) – ate at Chinese restaurant in hotel.
That was quite a day. All the photos we took on that day and the evening before – by which I mean all 56 photos – can be seen in raw form in the Flickr album below:
If I thought that a long holiday would bring a rush of creativity to my comedy lyric writing career at NewsRevue, clearly I was mistaken. Best part of four weeks and this is all he wrote, folks:
Lazy day by pool. Early swim – trip into Galleria for supplies etc. followed by more swimming and lunging by the pool. Saved our appetites for evening meal of Betutu Bebek (duck cooked in banana leaves stuffed with goodies) at Rai Restaurant – ordered Babi Guleng there for Friday. Also watched dancing there before departing.
Betutu Bebek is also known as Bebek Betutu – the latter rendering of the dishes name seems to be more common, at least now (2018).
Not an especially memorable day but this was an exceptionally memorable meal. We had been recommended this restaurant to try traditional Balinese dishes, which we had to order in advance.
Janie and I both look a little red in the face in the pictures from this particular evening. Perhaps the old-fashioned flash photography or more likely a touch too much sun that day.
So pleased were we with the Bebek Betutu that we ordered a Babi Guleng for Friday, despite protests from the staff that the latter (suckling pig) is a dish for many, not just two.
We tend to avoid places with “traditional” music and dancing these days, but were more tolerant (or perhaps less discerning) back then:
7th Dec – Day tour to Kintemani & Besakih – just we two. Fortunately Janie feels better today! Stopped off to see Barong & Kris dances on the way – also stopped Celuk village (Gold & Silver)…
Barong & Kris MusiciansBarong & Kris Evil Demon
Janie, feeling better, took an enormous number of photographs on this day. I took a good few myself. So this day’s write up will be mostly illustrated. We clearly looked at some other crafts at that juncture, not just silverware – e.g. the napkin holders (top photo) and wood carvings:
I do remember us both really enjoying this day and realising that we really liked to tour independently – i.e. with our own private guide when going to places where we needed a guide – or even without a guide if we didn’t really need one.
…then on to Kintemani (Mountain & view of Lake Basur) – lunch there…
…then on to Besakih temples…
Finally stopped in Sanur Market for some shopping and then home.
Janie had used up all of her film by the time we went shopping at the end of the day, so there are no photos from that market. But we did take pictures of us with our lovely sweet guide, Ayu, before leaving the temple compex:
All the photos we took on that day – by which I mean all 82 photos – can be seen in raw form in the Flickr album below:
Went to Galeria for late breakfast & supplies – hired a car & driver for the day to go to Ubud. Went to Monkey Sanctuary & small market…
…then on to main market. Janie was quite ill…
Ubud Market
Janie recalls feeling so poorly in Ubud – probably a mixture of mild lurgy and the heat – she needed to lie down fro a while, aided by some kindly locals in the market.
…Went on to the Amandari Hotel for a snack and rest and then headed back to [our] hotel…
The Amandari is well posh……set in beautiful countryside just outside Ubud
…had a lite bite in coffee shop as Janie was poorly – pretty awful grub- early night.
Doesn’t sound as though I enjoyed that meal much.
All the photos we took on the first three days in Bali – by which I mean all 18 photos – including the Ubud ones, can be seen in raw form in the Flickr album below:
