Closed To You, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 October 1992

This was a very successful song in NewsRevue. Not a laugh out loud song at all, but a biting/make you think lyric and room for some business.

“Care in the community” was one of that Major Government’s big things. Not much changes (he says, writing in December 2016).

The song ran for several runs towards the end of 1992 and was part of the early 1993 Bowden submission, although I’m not sure Mark used it.

 

♬ CLOSED TO YOU ♬

(To the Tune of “Close To You”)

(A vagrant wanders the stage, very scruffy, perhaps rummaging in bins, perhaps talking to himself incessantly, perhaps both.  The singer and chorus are clearly disturbed by him and hurry out of his way to take their positions.)

 

VERSES 1 & 2

Why do flies suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Just like fleas, they long to be, close to you.

 

Passers by all avert their eyes, with the fear that implies,

Traversees, don’t want to be, close to you.

 

MIDDLE BIT 1

Everyone who sees the poor believes it’s not their problem,

And the homeless ought to find a job to do,

So they hose the vagrants off the streets,

And hope they bugger off to Waterloo.

 

VERSE 3

That is why all the cops in town, wish that you weren’t around,

{cops in town….wish that you weren’t around}

Endlessly society’s closed to you.

 

INSTRUMENTAL

(During the instrumental the tramp dances with an inanimate object – e.g. a traffic cone – and talks gently to it – e.g. “Good evening, my dear.  Do you come here often.  The hyacinths are particularly beautiful this year.  Would you care for another glass of sherry?”)

 

MIDDLE BIT 2

When the Tories came to power, accountants got together,

And decided they could save a bob or two.

So they closed the residential homes,

Those Tories are more lunatic than you.

 

VERSE 4

That is why cranks roam round the town, since their homes were shut down,

{cranks roam town….since their homes were shut down}

Care in the community’s closed to you.

Care in the community’s closed to you.

 

(Either end it there, or dance off going “Waaahhh, closed to you”)

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

 

Click here or below for a link to Close To You by The Carpenters with lyrics on the screen.

 

As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley, 10 October 1992

This was the version of this sketch/medley that was actually used. It is much better than the original version – click here for that – but the original version is interesting because I wrote it before Black Wednesday.

Pearls before swine, my economic predictions, pearls before swine.

Anyway, this post crisis version is funnier. There is an in-between version written a week or so  before – click here – I’m guessing that the director suggested improvements, e.g. switching Gini Bottomley out and Lady Thatcher in, which did make for a funnier sketch.

The early evening show at the Canal Cafe at that time was called “As Time Goes By” – some sort of musical retrospective of 1940s material, which made this sketch/medley especially fitting.

AS TIME GOES BY – NEW IMPROVED VERSION

or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY (A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

John Major (Johnny)

Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)

Lady Thatcher (Maggie)

Norman Lamont (Fartface)

 

THE SKETCH

 

(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)

 

(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter.  The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato.  Paula Tappenden knows all about it.  We start with just Johnny and Jilly on stage.)

 

JILLY:Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Jilly.

 

JILLY:Oh Johnny.  What’s happened to the economy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Jilly.  The pound’s doing terribly.

 

JILLY:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Jilly.  The dollar’s doing awfully.

 

JILLY:Oh Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Oh Jilly.  What are you doing for the old effort?

 

JILLY:I’m in employment.

 

JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.

 

JILLY:In the ministry.  Oh Johnny,  this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives.  I’m sorry.  I’m acting like a bally fool.

 

(Enter Maggie)

 

MAGGIE:Johnny, the economy’s going horribly.

 

JOHNNY:Terribly.

 

MAGGIE:Awfully.  And what about the Treaty?

 

JOHHNY:(offers her a sweety)  Have a choccy, Maggie.

 

MAGGIE:I mean the Maastricht Treaty.  (Maggie pokes her finger at Johnny’s lapel as she says) Johnny, I’ve warned you before, it is a ruinous straitjacket.

 

JOHNNY:(Brushing his lapel)  I thought it was rather trendy.  I got it on special offer in Marks and Spencer’s.

 

MAGGIE:Oh this is hopeless.  Where’s Normy?

 

JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.

 

MAGGIE:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.

 

(Enter Normy)

 

JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.

 

JILLY:You don’t mean……

 

NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.

 

FALLING IN ERM

(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)

 

I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,

Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.

We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,

With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling’s down the drain,

Valueless again,

So don’t hold it.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling is the pits,

Norman’s got the shits,

And can’t help us.

 

DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY

(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)

 

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

We’re screwed financially.

 

We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,

We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);

We’ve devalued the currency to purchasing parity,

With Spain and Italy.

 

WE’LL ERM

To the tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

But I know we’ll ERM our money pay.

Make Sterling true to the Mark and ECU,

Till the interest rate is ten percent a day.

 

Now we are not in at all,

But the pounds in free fall,

While the Deutchmark’s still strong;

And though Sterling’s now small,

Some of us still recall,

When we used to belong.

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

It’ll cost us fourteen billion a day.

The above material was used quite a lot, not least the “Don’t Fuck Up The Economy” snippet which found its way into other medleys and even was sandwiched in a Ben Murphy medley in 1993 – I take no credit, nor demerits, for Ben’s other bits:

Here is a link to Marlene Dietrich singing “Falling In Love Again”…

…and below a link to the Andrews Sisters singing “Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree”…

…and here’s Dame Vera Lynn singing “We’ll Meet Again”:

A Sunday With Janie, 4 October 1992

Not too sure what we got up to this day. In the early days of our relatioship, we had other commitments already pre-arranged. This particular weekend, Janie had her twin Phillie for the weekend, but was expecting to be clear for lunch at Kim’s on the Sunday.

I saw Caroline on the Saturday evening – almost certainly a dinner in a quite fancy but not OTT place) and had another of those “Bridge?” things in my diary for the Sunday. I’m pretty sure that means it fell through.

I have also written:

…not Kim…2.00…Jane

…so I’m guessing the Kim lunch idea fell through and that this was one of the first occasions that Janie and I had a late lunch and spent the latter part of a Sunday together.

Snatchbroker, Snatchbroker, NewsRevue Lyric, 4 October 1992

This song was used in NewsRevue in late 1992 but I don’t think it made the Christmas run nor was it used in the early 1993 Bowden run.

Not my most subtle lyric.

I’m not sure it was especially topical either, other than (presumably) a revival of Fiddler on the Roof was on the go…but then there usually is a revival of that musical on somewhere.

 

♬ SNATCHBROKER SNATCHBROKER ♬

(A Song for Madame and Fresh Tart to the Tune of “Matchmaker Matchmaker”)

(MADAME:There’s no use you working here if you’re fussy, luv.  We have to put up with all sorts.  Accountants, judges, MPs, sports commentators, MPs who are also sports commentators…..)

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker, snatchbroker, hire out my snatch,

To men who’ll sleep, in the damp patch,

Snatchbroker, snatchbroker find one who’s clean,

With no germs that I may catch.

 

MADAME:Snatchworker snatchworker I’ll find the match,

Swallow his pride, straight down the hatch,

Snatchworker snatchworker he may well be,

A man who once worked for Thatch.

 

FRESH TART:Oh madame make him a lawyer,

Cos at least then he’ll stick to the rules;

MADAME:But my God the bastard will bore yer,

Cos they rarely know how to use their tools.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker find me a man,

Who doesn’t need taking in hand;

MADAME:Fresh Tart, there’s one thing you must understand,

There’s not even one, in the land.

 

MADAME:Accountants won’t please you, cos they like to work in teams,

They take double entry to logical extremes,

But always pay the right money, true? true;

Try a politician, I may have the man for you,

Was in the cabinet (Aside: in ’62).

It is never easy cash, cos their ego’s hard to stand,

With their speeches and families and early day motions they don’t stay up for long.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker thanks all the same,

I think that I’ll, keep off the game,

I’ll make some cash when I kiss and tell names,

BOTH:So tease your MPs,

No nights of vice,

No sucking toes,

No tax advice,

Until men come up to scratch.

Click here for a link to Matchmaker Matchmaker in the film of Fiddler On The Roof, with lyrics as subtitles. 

 

Midnight Plane To Jordan, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 October 1992

This one was too complicated by half. It would have been very difficult to sing/choreograph. It was a tricky subject (peace talks) and the choice of tune is slow for a comedy song.

I remember trying this out on/with work mates at a BDO Consulting training course. It didn’t go well, although we did have a laugh…at ourselves trying to sing it.

Still I submitted it a few times, including the January 1993 Bowden submission. I’m pretty sure to no avail.

If someone had simply come up with the guts to perform this lyric, I’m pretty sure that peace would have broken out in the Middle East. “Okay, okay, we’ll freeze settlements, we’ll stop terrorising people, just don’t sing us that dirgey song”.

 

♬ MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN ♬

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)

VERSE 1

(VOICEOVER:Ladies and Gentlemen, Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas is proud to present, Gladys Flight and the Tips).

 

BA flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},

So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,

{He said he’s goin’} Said he’s goanna find the man {goanna find the man}

Ohhh-ohhh who runs Jordan land,

That peace talks left behind in the desert sand, oh no.

 

CHORUS 1

He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}

An old King who’ll change his mind,

{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}

Peace will be with him {I know it will}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’d rather give up his oil {give up his oil}

Than let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}

 

VERSE 2

He kept dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he would see Hussein

{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}

And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar

{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}

He’ll invite al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

But poor Yassar Arafat, has to take, the other’s scraps,

Oh yes he does, that’s how it is.

 

CHORUS 2

I know he’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}

A partition of the land

{He had better mediate, else it’s goanna be like ’48}

Peace will be with him {It better had}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’ll have to find an accord {find an accord}

Where land is in high demand

(Repeat favourite bits  with ooh-oohs and aah-aahs while dancing off)

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

Click here or below for Gladys Knight and the Pips singing Midnight Train To Georgia with the original lyrics on the screen.

Here’s a revised version of the lyric which I tried again in September 1993:

MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN – PEACE TALKS VERSION

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)
 
VERSE 1
 
El Al flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},
So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,
{I say he’s Warren} Say he’s Warren Christopher {Warren Christopher},
Ohhh-ohhh to see Mustapha,
Who is the guest-of-a, Jordan desert king, oh oh.
 
CHORUS 1
 
He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan,
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}
An old King who’ll change his mind,
{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}
Peace will be with him {I know it will}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
He’ll have to give up his oil {give up his oil}
Or let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}
 
VERSE 2
 
Warren’s dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he will see Hussein
{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}
And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar
{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}
He’ll involve al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And Hannan Ashwari, and Ya-sser Arafat,
Unless he sends, some other pratt.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Amd they’re all leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
They’re all goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}
A partition of the land
{Someone better mediate, else it’s gonna be like ’48}
Peace will be with them {It better had}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
It’s hard to find an accord {find an accord}
Where land is in high demand.

As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley, 2 October 1992

This version of the sketch/medley came between the prophetic pre Black Wednesday original version – click here…

…and the improved version that was eventually used.

This version for completists only – hence published as an aside.

AS TIME GOES BY or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY (A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

John Major (Johnny)

Virginia Bottomley (Gini)

Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)

Norman Lamont (Fartface)

 

THE SKETCH

 

(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)

 

(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter.  The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato.  Paula Tappenden knows all about it.  We start with just Johnny and Gini on stage.)

 

GINI:Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Gini.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny.  What’s happened to the economy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Gini.  The pound’s doing terribly.

 

GINI:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Gini.  The dollar’s doing awfully.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny,  this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives.  I’m sorry.  I’m acting like a bally fool.

 

(Enter Jilly)

 

JILLY:Hello Gini.

 

GINI:Hello Jilly.  Do you know my friend Johnny?

 

JILLY:Hello Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Hello Jilly.  What do you do for the old effort?

 

JILLY:I’m in employment.

 

JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.

 

JILLY:In the ministry.  Gosh, Johnny, economy’s going horribly.

 

JOHNNY:Terribly.

 

JILLY:Awfully.  Where’s Normy?

 

JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.

 

GINI:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.

 

(Enter Normy)

 

JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.

 

JILLY:You don’t mean……

 

NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.

 

FALLING IN ERM

(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)

 

I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,

Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.

We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,

With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling’s down the drain,

Valueless again,

So don’t hold it.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling is the pits,

Norman’s got the shits,

And can’t help us.

 

DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY

(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)

 

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

We’re screwed financially.

 

We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,

We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);

We’ve devalued the currency to purchasing parity,

With Spain and Italy.

 

WE’LL ERM

To the tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

But I know we’ll ERM our money pay.

Make Sterling true to the Mark and ECU,

Till the interest rate is ten percent a day.

 

Now we are not in at all,

But the pounds in free fall,

While the Deutchmark’s still strong;

And though Sterling’s now small,

Some of us still recall,

When we used to belong.

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

It’ll cost us fourteen billion a day.

The Madness of George III by Alan Bennett, Lyttelton Theatre, 30 September 1992

I believe we did a date swap for this one. It is in my diary for Saturday 17 October, but I ended up going to see Death And The Maiden with Janie, John and Mandy that night.

I think Bobbie had a problem with that October weekend and we arranged to swap with a friend of hers to see this production midweek, on 30 September.

My production log says:

Went with Bobbie. Very good.

So what else is there to say? I remember it being a very big, busy play, with an enormous cast of courtiers attending to the protagonists. I remember laughing quite a lot. I suspect I would find it a bit cheesy if I saw it again now.

Nigel Hawthorne was very impressive and I suppose it is “quite a thing” that I saw him perform live.

The Wikipedia entry links to rave reviews on both sides of the channel. The subject matter very naturally had appeal for the USA so it is no surprise that it was also a hit there and also made into a film.

I was probably quite tired that evening, as the diary shows I spent a long day flying up to West Lothian the day before on business – that will have been Sky with Michael – a memorable working day.

I suspect that this was the last time I went to the theatre with Bobbie. We probably had a post theatre meal, perhaps at the RNT itself or perhaps somewhere like RSJs or the Archduke.

Here is the Theatricalia entry for this production.

Below is Michael Coveney’s review from the Observer:

Madness of George III, Michael CoveneyMadness of George III, Michael Coveney Sun, Nov 24, 1991 – 59 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Below is Michael Billington’s review from The Guardian:

Madness of George III, BillingtonMadness of George III, Billington Sat, Nov 30, 1991 – 25 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

We’re A Member As Well, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 September 1992

Twenty five years ago to the day (as I write) the EU was problematic for many of its members. Denmark had voted no to the Maastricht Treaty. France had voted yes by a whisker. The pound had bundled out of the exchange rate mechanism the week before and the French Franc looked vulnerable.

More importantly (from my point of view), I wrote this little “pseudo-reminiscence piece” for NewsRevue,which ran for a good few weeks:

WE’RE A MEMBER AS WELL

(A Duet to the Tune of “I Remember it Well”)

(HIM:I can remember 1992 as if it were yesterday;

Le Maastricht treaty, les trucker strikes, la political infighting, le virtual collapse of the French Franc……..)

VERSE 1

HIM:I voted oui,HER:You voted non,

HER:To set us free,From Mitterand;

HIM:Ah yes, I remember it well.

HIM:You voted non,HER:I voted oui,

HER:To harmonise,The EEC;

HIM:Ah yes, we’re a member as well.

HIM:French truckers blocked the rails,

HER:And they blocked the road,

HIM:Francois Mitterand had to dump his load;

HER:I am so glad that he said “non” to that old bag Edith Cresson,

HIM:Ah yes, I remember her well.

MIDDLE BIT

HIM:How often I’ve thought of that Sunday night,

When France agreed to put up with Maastricht;

But several days later we caught a fright,

When we learned that the Franc is now worth…..

HER:…..nicht.

VERSE 2

HIM:The Franc went up,HER:The Franc went down,

HER:You bought the Mark,And sold the pound;

HIM:Ah yes, I remember it well.

HIM:We had to plead,HER:With begging bowl,

HER:The Bundesbank,And Helmut Kohl;

HIM:Francois tasted his member as well.

HIM:It’s a partnership,HER:One man’s in control,

HIM:Francois Mitterand?HER:Uh, uh, Helmut Kohl.

HER:You’re back in bed with Germany,

Just like Petain in 43,

HIM:Ah yes, this surrender is hell.

Here is a vid of Maurice Chevalier and Hermione Gingold singing “I Remember IT Well” from the film Gigi:

The lyrics to “I Remember It Well” can be found here.

Maastricht Voice Over, NewsRevue Submission, 13 September 1992

This one didn’t even make my print out file, but is there in the electronic file.

It is about the 20 September French Referendum on the Maastricht treaty…

…you know the one…

…when the French said “oui”…by a whisker…after the Danes had already voted “nej”.

Jokes that need to be explained are not usually the very best jokes. This isn’t a great voiceover and I don’t think it got used.

MAASTRICHT VOICE OVER

(This quickie is a mock French commercial for the Maastricht referendum)

The music Je t’aime plays while the following voice over is read in a cross between mock Frenchman and mock commercial voice over:

The Maastricht Treaty……

Vote oui to Maastricht on September 20th…..

and get shafted by the rest of Europe.

Snowbush, NewsRevue Lyric, 13 September 1992

The 1992 US Presidential Election provided a rich source of material for satirists.

Bill Clinton’s flaws as a candidate and an individual were well known before the election. It all feels a bit familiar writing 25 years later, except not quite so awful as the Trump election last year and the prevailing shower in  its aftermath.

Anyway, this lyric did well in NewsRevue, running for many weeks over that election period.

I recall one duo reprising the first line through gritted teeth as an additional last line – excellent idea:

SNOWBUSH

(A Duet for Bill and Hilary Clinton to the Tune of “Snowbird”)

VERSE 1 – BILL AND HILARY GAZE LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

We Clintons live in harmony and sing,

While George and Barbara Bush have both mislaid the vision thing;

George sells war planes to Saudi Araby,

But still the dollar falls deep in our slump economy.

CHORUS 1 – GOSH, BILL AND HILARY MUST REALLY LOVE ONE ANOTHER

Dump your running mate or you will fail,

Cos we’ve got beefy Albert Gore and George Bush has Dan Quayle;

When George says “no more taxes” it’s untrue,

Cos if he could we know that he would try to raise a few.

VERSE 2 – SOME FRICTION MAY BE CREEPING IN TO THE SONG

BILL:Old George believes abortion is a sin,

And no-one’s homosexual in his 4,000 kin;

HILARY:But George and Bill’s morality concur,

When they both take a shine to chicks who are named Jennifer.

CHORUS 2 – HILARY SINGS ALONE

(While Hilary sings the final chorus, Bill slopes off into the audience to chat up any pretty females he can find there)

Girls like men with presidential powers,

But Bill don’t send me Gennifer when I ask for some flowers;

The man that I’m supporting is untrue,

And if he could I know that he would try a casual screw;

Yes, if he could I know that he would try-ay-ay-ay-ay a casual screw.

In October 1996 I wrote an update of this lyric, re-titled “Snowbill”:

SNOWBILL 1996 ELECTION REMIX
(To the Tune of “Snowbird”)

VERSE 1 – BILL AND HILARY GAZE LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

BOTH We Clintons live in harmony and sing,
While Bob Dole cannot raise a vote and sure can’t raise his ding;
HILARY: We’re gonna get elected one more term,
BILL: Which gives me four more years to jog around and dump my sperm.

CHORUS 1 – GOSH, BILL AND HILARY MUST REALLY LOVE ONE ANOTHER

Spread your tidy lead and grow apace,
Bob Dole and Ross Perot are nowhere in this one horse race;
Republicans have near thrown in the towel,
Cos if they could you know that they’d have run with Colin Powell.

VERSE 2 – SOME FRICTION MAY BE CREEPING IN TO THE SONG

BILL: Bob Dole has many accidents and falls,
HILARY: At least the voters know that he don’t play much with his balls;
BILL: We all can make mistakes, just see our daughter,
HILARY: And please don’t ask to much about our profits from Whitewater.

CHORUS 2 – HILARY SINGS ALONE

(While Hilary sings the final chorus, Bill slopes off into the audience to chat up any pretty females he can find there)

Spread your tidy lead and stuff Bob Dole,
And try to keep your golf balls out of eighteen different holes;
The man that I’m supporting is untrue,
And if he could I know that he would try a casual screw;
Yes, if he could I know that he would try-ay-ay-ay-ay a casual screw.

[BOTH: (with irony) We Clintons live in harmony and sing]

Below is a YouTube link to Anne Murray singing Snowbird, with the lyrics on the video screen along with some sweet pictures of birds…the flighted variety: