I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack includes some rewrites of older ones and some that have been cruelly overlooked before but still have life in them. I haven’t included any chestnuts from earlier runs, but if you want one that you remember, just let me know.
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I shall be happy to change them on request.
I shall try to write some new ones for you over the next 10 days or so if the inspiration comes.
John Random once said to me, many years ago and also many years after the (non) event, that he remembered this song fondly and regrets the fact that he didn’t use it.
It wasn’t very topical, although Mother Teresa was always in the news back then.
Postscript: I have subsequently found the date 15 July 1993 on my log for this song, which might be an error or might show that I wrote it in July and then resubmitted (previously unused) it in October 1993. Cruelly overlooked, whenever it was.
This date hovered around between the Friday 8th and Saturday 9th, eventually settling, it seems, on the Friday.
Janie finished work a bit early and did the honours for an 8.00 meal. It will have been a good one, but Annalisa’s vegetarianism (was Annie also veggie?) will have irritated Janie a bit.
My guess is that Janie will have done something along the lines of the food she tends to serve Kim. Perhaps ratatouille. Perhaps Lebanese style food.
It will have been good. (I know i have said that twice).
Janie and I went to the hygienist the next day. That incident will have been unconnected with the good meal incident.
I think I possibly flew out to Geneva on the Sunday. For sure I was there on the Monday and I think I stayed a couple of nights.
The following weekend, I played bridge at Tessa’s on the Friday then went on to Janie’s place.
On the Saturday Janie cooked for Kim & Micky. That too will have been a good one.
I wrote this one for Jonathan Linsley’s Christmas run, possibly at his request. I disappeared to China for most of that run so I’m not 100% sure if it was used, but I think it was.
_ 1993 OH WHAT A YEAR _
(To the Tune of “December 63, Oh What A Night”)
VERSE
1
Oh
what a year, let’s remember 1993;
Little
green shoots of recovery,
What
an outturn, what a year.
Oh
what a year, ‘tho’ John Major didn’t get the sack;
Barmy
bastards stabbed him in the back,
What
a leader, what a year.
MIDDLE
BIT 1
Lamont,
caused a huge sensation when he taxed domestic fuel;
Got
sacked, but the poor and feeble will still keep cool.
VERSE
2
Oh
what a year, England lost at almost every sport;
Could
Frank Bruno knock out Nigel Short?
What
heroics, what a year.
OTHER
TYPE OF MIDDLY TWIDDLY BIT
The
Firm exposed Tom Cruise yet more than in Days of Thunder;
Ken
Branagh’s Much Ado made everyone want to chunder.
VERSE
3
Oh
what a year, Grease and Hair were the revival fads,
Must
be due to those old Brylcream ads,
What
a retro of a year.
Oh
what a year, General Aideed was the yob at issue,
So
Bill Clinton blew up Mogadishu,
What
a fighter, what a year.
MIDDLE BIT 2
Bosnia,
spent the whole year fighting ‘tho’ the Vance-Owen plan;
Was
near, to solving this long pain deep in the Balkans. (Male singer holds balls)
VERSE
4
(Male
singer falsetto) Oh what a year!
Let’s
remember 1993,
We’ll
review the year satirically,
“Best Of News Revue” is here!!
Below is Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons singing Oh What A Night with the lyrics on’t screen:
Following my trip to Switzerland, Janie and I clearly chose to have a quiet weekend. We spent at least some of the time at mine.
The most noteworthy thing in the diaries…indeed the only appointment…was Microbee at 10:30 on the Saturday. We’d had an infestation of cockroaches in Clanricarde Gardens – I think resulting from the major “knock-down-leaving-facades-only” job a few doors down from mine.
I remember in particular a very friendly Aussie pest-control dude whose lifestyle was to spend English summers in England and Australian summers in Oz. He was clearly over-qualified for the role of pest control dude, but the lifestyle of perennial summers mattered morre to him than the nature of his work.
I think this might well have been his last visit.
Janie jotted L’Artista Finchley Road in her diary, which I suspect was planning for the Wednesday evening meal with Kim & Micky.
Janie and I both finished work late on Friday 1st, so I’ll guess we fell back on getting some top notch Chinese food from May’s place, The Park Inn, just around the corner from mine…
…Postscript: What excitement. My Quicken financial records start in mid September 1993 so I can confirm that I spent the princely sum of £16 at Park Inn that night, 1 October. That almost certainly means that I had some home cooked Chinese food; perhaps won ton soup and/or my Cantonese style braised brisket dish, which I would have supplemented with some of May’s food, e.g. pork bellies (a necessity I’d have thought), rice and vegetables.
I’m not 100% sure we ate at L’Artista that Wednesday night with Kim & Micky but I know we did eat there with them way back when, so I’m guessing this was one of those occasions.
My accounts are silent on this matter, but “over there” Kim & Micky would no doubt have insisted on picking up the tab.
Not only am I pretty sure this one wasn’t used, I’m not even sure it was ever submitted. It isn’t even recorded on my log – just the electronic file sitting in my 1993 creative folder. I’m guessing that I decided that the subject matter was simply too grim for comedy.
(A medley using a range of seemingly unconnected tunes)
BOUTROS BOUTROS (To the Tune of “Stupid Cupid”)
Boutros Boutros you’re a real mean guy,{Boutros Boutros} Your troops in Mogadishu wish you’d die;{Boutros Boutros} You try to harmonise relations,{Boutros Boutros} By sending in the troops of the United Nations;{Boutros Boutros} To free Somalis, Boutros Boutros, Boutros Ghali.
WARLORD (To the Tune of “Milord”)
We’re getting peeved and bored, With this Aideed warlord, The blasted UN blow up everyone but him; They think they’ll end the war, If they just fight some more, But this Somali gore gets deadlier and grim.
BOUTROS BOUTROS (To the tune of “Daisy Daisy”)
Boutros Boutros, Send us your UN troops; Snipers shoot us, Which gives us all the poops. It won’t be a stylish slaughter, But we still think you oughta, Bomb infantry, And Somalis, In the blighted Mogadishu.
WARLORD (To the Tune of “Milord”)
We are indeed more bored, With this Aideed warlord, The blasted UN blow up everyone but him; They think they’ll end the war, If they just fight some more, But this Somali gore gets deadlier and grim.
Below is a video of Connie Francis singing Stupid Cupid with lyrics on the screen:
Below is a video of Édith Piaf singing Milord with an English translation of the lyrics on the screen:
Below is a recording of the original Daisy Bell (Daisy Daisy) song with lyrics on the screen; the familiar chorus starts around 37 seconds in.
I think this short song was only briefly performed, although I’m sure it could have done well for a long time in the hands of any half-decent Prince Philip impersonator, of whom NewsRevue had many at that time.
All these years later, I still find the idea of Prince Philip being the patron of WWF bizarre. I mean the World Wide Fund for Nature, of course. Philip The Greek God as patron of the wrestling lot would make a bit more sense.
ALL THINGS WILD AND SHOOTABLE _
(A Quickie to the Tune of “All Things Bright and Beautiful”)
CHORUS 1
All things bright and beautiful,
Love the World Wildlife Fund;
Their patron’s not cute at all,
Prince Philip has beasts gunned.
VERSE 1 – PRINCE PHILIP
I shoot the grouse on Moorlands,
But won’t hunt baby fawns;
I’d sooner stuff their mummies,
And mount their daddies’ horns.
CHORUS 2
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures tasty hot;
All things wild and shootable,
Prince Philip kills the lot.
(PRINCE PHILIP:Hear, hear.)
(c) Ian Harris 1993
In Autumn 1994 I replaced the “Hear hear” line with
(PRINCE PHILIP: I think I’ll start with that stupid wimp of a son, Charles)
…it looks as though I had another go at resubmitting it in autumn 1995 as well.
Michael Mainelli and I traveled to Geneva and Gland more than once, while we were doing some advisory work for the World Wide Fund For Nature (WWF). This was our longest visit – best part of a week in my case – I think Michael might have stayed a bit longer.
Good to see that the above picture of the World Intellectual Property Organisation building in Geneva is licenced to be used under creative commons.
Michael had lived and worked in Geneva for a while, a few year’s earlier. We stayed at Michael’s favourite hotel from that bygone era; Small & friendly it was. L’Hôtel d’Allèves. More than 26 years later, judging by the website, it still looks like a nice relic of a bygone era; somewhat upgraded from its 1993 incarnation.
I recall having a good meal with Michael in the hotel on the evening we arrived. Local dishes and local wine.
Several members of staff at the hotel clearly knew Michael, who was keen to show off his command of the French language. Unfortunately, while Michael is no doubt very good at learning words and grammatical forms, his accent has a very un-French sound to it. I remember a few times, repeating what Michael had said or me choosing some simpler French words from my own, more limited, French vocabulary, to ensure that we were understood. That aspect of the trip reminded me of family visits to France; my father had a similar problem with spoken French.
Despite Michael’s insistence, while briefing me pre-visit and/or in transit, that Swiss trains run on time, the service between Geneva and Gland was almost British in its tardiness while we were there for this trip. We experienced several delayed journeys during that week, including that first Friday ahead of the weekend.
Michael had arranged a weekend jaunt with a charming woman, Ita Schlik, who was a former colleague of Michael’s. Ita took us out to Annecy for the day, I think on the Saturday.
Annecy is a beautiful town; I remember our visit being a very relaxing and enjoyable day out. Ita was very good company and clearly knew the ropes extremely well in terms of scenic routes, avoiding traffic and gaming the differential benefits of being in France and being in Switzerland – e.g. where to fill up with petrol, where to fill up with wine and gifts. There seemed, to me, to be a whole border industry based around those differences, with no physical border to be seen. A possible lesson for us in the UK (or what might soon be left of the UK, he writes in January 2020).
I do recall the clocks going back that weekend (about a month earlier than in the UK). I went for a walk early on the Sunday and every public clock had been changed overnight. Yes, top notch effort with the clocks. So, based on my own experience, I’m not so sure about trains, but the Swiss are great at clocks…
…I’m starting to sound like Harry Lime…
But we were mostly there to work and we did most of our work in Gland.
Mind you, I recall one occasion when Swiss-style time keeping might have helped. We arranged some surgery sessions, which allowed people to approach us informally with issues. Michael and I would pair on those. I got to one surgery five minutes late, to find a woman in tears in front of Michael, who looked unusually lost for words. I imagined an Oleanna-like incident or something, but it transpired that this woman simply got very emotional worrying about her spreadsheet or some such administrative problem that was troubling her.
I also remember one flight back from Switzerland with John Ward and David Taylor (of WWF), but without Michael. (It might have been this particular trip or it might have been one of the shorter visits). The pilot clearly made a mistake on landing – the experience was so bumpy and damage-noise-ridden that we all jumped out of our skins. The co-pilot apologised for his colleague over the public address system.
I’m pretty sure it did eventually find its way into NewsRevue…
…but not on the particular Thursday evening of my return. The lyric was scribbled in my diary while I was away and I can see from my electronic log that I typed it up and saved it c19:15 on the evening of my return.
So I probably took the script with me to the Canal Cafe that very evening, printed out on the rudimentary line printer I had at home at that time. Yes, for sure I did rush to the Canal Cafe that night, grabbing a Thai meal on the way, to catch the opening night of a new run and to drop off my new script.
There’s dedication to both work and play. Not so sure about the rest.
In truth I don’t much remember this party, but we both recorded it in our diaries with faithful addresses and how to get there notes, so I’m sure we went.
The Loose Box is now (writing January 2020) in Horseferry Road, but in those days for sure was Brompton Road.
No clues about where Janie and I had our dinner 23 September. Perhaps I cooked for her but I did have an early flight to Geneva the next morning, which is one of the reasons we dined together on the Thursday, as I was due to stay over in Geneva for the weekend and then the following week.
Actually, more likely I’d have got us both a Chinese takeaway from May’s place (The Park Inn) that night – I’d been on a busy day that day and can’t imagine that cooking would have made sense.
In May, I had a hunch that Norman Lamont would make a subsequent pile in the City and by September it had been announced that he was joining the Board of N M Rothchild.
Soon after, Lamont must have moved even closer to my W2 residence, as I went through a phase of seeing him on the main strip of Notting Hill Gate, shuffling along in his inimitable manner. We even had a branch of Threshers along there at the time, which added to my fun at the sightings. But I never saw him go in to Threshers. On that N M Rothchild stipend, I suspect that Norman was buying more expensive booze than the Threshers kind and that his credit limit was, by then, more manageable/much bigger.
TEACHER:Gather round children. I’m going to tell you a story about a nasty grey man who made your mummies and daddies all very poor. And who made himself very very rich.
VERSE
One grey day,
A cabinet shuffle came;
The people said they were badly lead,
And Norman got the blame.
Some may say,
Lamont is a merchant banker; (children giggle, TEACHER: settle down children)
So Norman smiled, joined N M Rothchild,
And called Major to say…… “thank ya”. (perhaps children mouth “wanker”)
CHORUS
Oh, Norman the Chancellor left the bunch,
And said goodbye to John’s circus;
Since the pound had gone bumpety bump, bump, bump, bump.
Norman the Chancellor did some lunch,
And said hello to the city;
He’ll get rich in the slumpety slump, slump, slump, slump.
