Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

I was going through a rich seam of unusable ideas at that time – late February to early March 1993 – perhaps the longest string of unused items in my whole NewsRevue writing (so-called) career.

I have a feeling that Janie and I took a long weekend in the Derbyshire peaks around that time, doing some walking in freezing temperatures and that I wrote a few of these duds there. Proof positive that I need warmth and comfort in order to be funny.

This lyric has some good lines; I think it is a good read. But it does not have performance quality to it.

ZAIRE OF THE BRAT

(To the Tune of “The Year Of The Cat”)

VERSE 1

Like an extra from a James Bond movie,

In a toque made of pure leopard’s skin;

He goes strolling through the crowds like Butelesi,

Contemplating a sin.

Now his name’s Mobutu and he may well shoot you,

If you say his country is in strife;

Don’t bother asking for resignations,

He’s the President for life,

In Zaire of the brat.

VERSE 2

In Kinshasa people don’t ask questions,

When he takes other’s wives for kicks;

Despite the rise of AIDS and such infections,

In the Zairian sticks.

Been allowed to stay ‘cos the USA,

Had maintained Mobutu by mistake;

George Bush was pushed and now Bill Clinton’s,

Leaving fire in his wake,

For this Zairian brat.

MIDDLE BIT

He’ll be overthrown ideally,

In Kinshasa by a more liberal team;

He speaks in poor French and Swahili,

Liked Ceausescu and reads Machiavelli,

He’s a Zairian brat.

VERSE 3

So this chief Mobutu Sese Seko,

Is an African man we should watch;

With his glass of pink Champagne in Belgian Congo,

He’s completely lost touch.

Since the sanctions came he’s not been the same,

‘Cos he knows he ought to be afraid;

Katanga, Zabanga, and he’s thrown over,

But for now he’s going to stay,

In Zaire of the brat.

Zaire of the brat.

I tried an update of this lyric, dated 23 May 1997, which I’m pretty sure also remained unused in NewsRevue:

ZAIRE OF THE BRATS
(To the Tune of “The Year Of The Cat”)

VERSE 1

Like an extra from a James Bond movie,
In a toque made of pure leopard’s skin;
He goes strolling through the crowds like Butelesi,
Contemplating a sin.
Now his name’s Mobutu and he don’t like Hutus,
Or Tutsis in his land of strife;
Don’t bother asking for resignations,
Thinks he’s President for life,
In Zaire of the brat.

VERSE 2

In Kinshasa people don’t ask questions,
They just pray that a change leads to peace;
Despite the rise of AIDS and such infections,
Amongst the poor Congolese.
Laurent Kabila is a wheeler dealer,
Let us hope he’s not a big mistake;
Off goes Mobutu with his prostate cancer,
Leaving fire in his wake,
In Zaire of the brats.

MIDDLE BIT

He’s been overthrown ideally,
In Kinshasa by Kabila and crew;
Who speak in English and Swahili,
Like Ceausescu and read Machiavelli,
Just more Zairean brats?

VERSE 3

So this chief Mobutu Sese Seko,
Is an African man on the skids;
With his glass of pink Champagne now in Morocco,
He’s not got long to live.
With his cancer such a pain in the crutch,
Perhaps a victim of a voodoo curse;
Katanga, Zabanga, and he’s thrown over,
For better or for worse,
In Zaire of the brats.
Zaire of the brats.

Below is a very good live vid of Al Stewart singing “Year Of The Cat”:

https://youtu.be/wJl5z1dt5d0

Click here to read the lyrics of Year Of The Cat.

I’m pretty sure this one wasn’t used and I’m pretty sure that it’s lack of performance makes sense.

It reads better than it sings…

…and it doesn’t read all that well.

In later years, ideas of this kind, which flatter to deceive when they first come to mind, would sit on the jotter for years or for ever with just a few key words waiting for inspiration.

YOUNG ROGUES

(To the Tune of “Young Girl”)

 

INTRO – PC PLOD

Young rogues, offend all the time, delinquency is Britain’s top crime;

Tory old fogues will punish young rogues.

 

VERSE 1 – A TORY MINISTER (e.g. THE PM)

With all the charms of Atilla,

We’ve bred the outcasts of our youth;

We Tories do believe a short sharp shock behind the lock,

Will make these youngsters less uncouth.

 

CHORUS 1 – STILL THE TORY

Oh, oh, oh, young rogues, have got out of line,

We’ll build secure homes for them to serve time;

Read the Sun rogues, we should hang young rogues.

 

VERSE 2 – AN ANGLICAN MINISTER

Beneath their striped shirts and face masks,

They just are babies in disguise;

And as we know Tory policy is villainy,

The clergy wants to sympathise.

 

CHORUS 2 – STILL THE SOFT ANGLICAN

Oh, oh, oh, young rogues, are misunderstood,

And God believes all villains are good,

So have fun rogues, we forgive young rogues.

 

VERSE 3 – BACK TO THE PLOD

We take kids home to their mamas,

Who don’t care where their children are;

We want the law to make parents pay for kids affray,

Cos their misdeeds are down to pa.

 

CHORUS 3 – ALL THREE

Oh, oh, oh, young rogues, and juvenile crime,

We always claim “getting worse at this time”,

We can’t unfurl, the cause of young rogues.

Young rogues must follow our lead,

We teach them conflict, we teach them greed,

Do our dung vogues inspire the young rogues?

Below is a vid of Gary Puckett and the Union gap singing Young Girl:

Click here for the lyrics of Young Girl.

This will read like the weirdest lyric on earth without context, not least because, at the time of writing more than 25 years later (March 2018), Rolf Harris is mostly remembered for sex crimes.

But in February 1993, his “crime against music” was to record Stairway To Heaven in a jolly didgeridoo stylee – as reported in the Independent – click here.

Hence my lyric, which I don’t think was used much, if at all:

TWO LITTLE BOYS

(A Quickie to the Tune of “Stairway To Heaven”)

 

(This should emulate the Led Zeppelin sound as mush as possible, with the gentle guitar intro and a Robert Plant sound to the voice).

 

There were two little boys,

Who had two little toys;

And they each had a wooden horse.

 

And they both gaily played,

On those bright summer days;

They were warriors both of course.

 

(Getting increasingly angry – possibly even wielding a weapon at the end of the refrain)

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr;

And Rolf’s finding a sure way to heaven.

In case there is anyone reading this who doesn’t know what Stairway To Heaven sounds like…below is an embedded vid of Led Zeppelin doing their thing live:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6_AeMmTE2pc

I can’t imagine why these weren’t used…

…oh, all right, I can imagine why they weren’t used.

At least they don’t exactly date.

                                                  IF I HAD A …..

(A running gag of quickies to the Tune of “If I had a Hammer”)

Guitarist gently strums the pleasant riff from this song.

He encourages the audience to sing along with him on the oohh oohhs each time.

 

QUICKIE 1 – STAMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a stammer,

I’d stammer in the morning,

I’d s s s s s s;

 

QUICKIE 2 – HAMMOCK

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a hammock,

I’d (snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

 

QUICKIE 3 – WHAMMER (not for children or people of a nervous disposition)

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a whammer,

I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the morning,

I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the evening,

All over this hand.

 

QUICKIE 4 – HUMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I were a hummer,

I’d hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,

Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,

Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.

 

QUICKIE 5 – GRAMMAR

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had no grammar,

I’d in the morning grammar,

I’d evening in the grammar…..(ends in confusion)

 

THAT’S ENOUGH “IF I HAD A…..” QUICKIES

Here and below is Trini Lopez singing If I Had A hammer – click through here to see the lyrics too:

I seem to remember this one doing rather well in NewsRevue, but more in terms of its component parts being recycled than as a coherent whole…

…perhaps that’s because the medley is not much of a coherent whole, while the component parts are pretty good:

                                TOP OF THE POPS FINANCE/BUDGET SPECIAL

(A medley of songs and chart rundown for the 1993 Economy)

 

GORDON BROWN

(To the Tune of “Golden Brown”)

VERSE 1

Gordon Brown, Labour’s first son,

Scottish brogue, like a Glasweigan;

Throughout the weeks, talks through his cheeks,

Speaker may drown, with Gordon Brown.

VERSE 2

Gordon Brown, shadow finance,

Hates Lamont’s monetary stance;

Don’t reinflate, low interest rate,

Uniform pound, from Gordon Brown.

VERSE 3

Gordon Brown, thick wavy hair,

Don’t confuse, him with Tony Blair;

Fat cheeks and jowls, he always scowls,

‘cept when he frowns, that’s Gordon Brown.

(Optional fade out, as in original, “Never a clown, with Gordon Brown”)

 

CHART RUNDOWN – (CHOOSE YOUR OWN DJ)

What a simply sensational sound that is, at number seven, the Economic Stranglers with Gordon Brown.  And now, here is the rundown of the rest of this week’s Top of The Pops Finance/Budget charts:

At number 6 we have a double A side from Shalamar, “Take That to the Bank of England” and “I owe you one-hundred-billion”

Down to number 5 we have “Money’s Too Tight To Mention” from Simply In The Red

Still moving up, at number 4 is “Busy Doing Nothing” by over three million people and rising

For the 30th week running at number 3 “Float on” by E.R.M.

Still at number 2 (but only just) is “You Won’t Find Another Fool Like Me” by Norman Lamont

And this weeks new number one is Jolted John by Jolted John Major

 

JOLTED JOHN

(To the Tune of “Jilted John”)

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

I’ve a podgy thick chancellor, his name is Norman,

Has a face that could crack glass, just like Teressa Gorman.

(And this is what he said)

VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR

He said listen John, we’ve fucked up, I can’t get no more money,

We can’t put up income tax, so we must raise more VAT.

(I asked him some considerably difficult questions at this juncture)

VERSE 3 – JOHN MAJOR

Who won’t lend us money? “IMF” was his reply,

“Not more cuts” I said dismayed, “Yes, we’ll need more cuts” he cried.

(He’s more of a heartless bastard than I’ll ever be, I was not inconsiderably upset, oh yes)

VERSE 4 – JOHN MAJOR

I was so upset that I cried all the way to the parliament,

When I came out there was Gordon standing on the pavement.

(That’s Gordon Brown, the shadow chancellor.  And guess who was with him?  Yeh, Margaret Beckett.  And they were both laughing at me.)

VERSE 5 – GORDON BROWN AND MARGARET BECKETT (perhaps with audience participation)

Oh you are dumb and spineless, to not pack in Norman,

Just cos you’ve no-one better than he, just cos you both are friendly.

But we know he’s a moron, (Norman is a moron, Norman is a moron, Norman is a moron).

Click here or watch below a video with Golden Brown by the Stranglers. If you click here, you can read their lyrics too:

Click here or below for a video of Jilted John:

If you want the lyrics for Jilted John – click here.

Some Hamas forces got stuck out on some Lebanese hills on the borders with Israel…

…I know what you are thinking…this is not an easy subject for comedy. You are right and I was wrong.

But I had a reasonable go at it and it has balance. Writing now, 25 years later, I am proud of this lyric, even though it didn’t make the show. I remember Janie really liked it at the time…that mattered.

DON’T LEAVE US THIS SPACE

(To the Tune of “Don’t Leave Me This Way”)

 

INTRO – SUNG “MECCA” STYLE

Ay, ay ay ay ay ay ay, ay ay ay ay ay, ay ay

 

VERSE 1

Don’t leave us this space,

We can’t survive, can’t stay alive,

In Lebanon;

Don’t leave us this place,

We can’t exist, fundamentalist, Islamisists,

Don’t leave us this space.

 

CHORUS 1

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-amas,

Israeli soldiers burst in to grab us,

Cos they believe we’re causing Arab fuss,

They exiled us out to South Lebanon,

They say Israel has got a Jihad ban on,

So listen to Abdul Aziz Rantisi,

Now only Yizhak Rabin can set us free, {set us free, set us free}

 

VERSE 2

Don’t leave us this space,

We just can’t stand, this no man’s land,

With ice and breeze;

Don’t leave us this place,

In these harsh climbs, Sir Ranulph Finnes,

Would also freeze,

Don’t leave us this place.

 

CHORUS 2

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-shwari,

Has won around Boutros Boutros-Ghali,

She’s the Palestinian Mata-Hari,

Four hundred of us want reparations,

With the help of the United Nations,

But Israel won’t return us to Palestine,

Despite Resolution 799 {799, 799}.

 

OUTRO – DANCE OFF STAGE SINGING

Please let my people go, let my people go.

Here is a vid of Themla Houston belting Don’t Leave Me This Way:

…and here is a link to Thelma’s lyrics.

Genetic engineering has been in the news, on and off, for a heck of a long time. e.g. 25 years ago at the time of writing (February 2018).

I wrote this very ambitious lyric for NewsRevue back then.

I mistakenly didn’t think it had been used – the show was chock full of my songs at that time anyhow and I wrote this early in a new run.

Normally a song needed to be spectacularly good to displace established material.

I don’t think this is spectacular, but there are some good lines in there, though I say so myself…

…and Mark Bowden and his cast seemed to like my stuff a lot. Anyway, you can judge for yourselves:

MATING A BULL WITH A HEFFER

(To the Tune of “Stairway to Heaven”)

 

VERSE 1

There are breeders who show X and Y Chromosomes,

And they’re mating a bull with a heffer;

The sperm’s sex they confirm just by dying the sperm,

And dividing a pair with electrons.

Ooohhh, ooohhh, and they’re finding a fair way to sex them.

 

VERSE 2

Now the ladys who know fertilise in vitro,

With a polymerase chain reaction;

The girls check on the sex of the sprog that’s due next,

But their fellows miss out on the action.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, whooohhh is going to fund ‘er?

 

MIDDLE BIT ONE

Once they have dyed and charged the sperm up, in a tea cup,

I’m gonna put my new blue genes on;

But this genetic engineering has me fearing,

If this world is still where I belong.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, ooohhh suppose they blunder:

 

MIDDLE BIT TWO

They’ll cross a mussel with a hedgehog, you’ll hear alarm bells,

Now Sonic plays DNA games;

Led Zeppelin’s lyrics are pretentious, and if you’re drunk,

You may imagine that their words rhyme.

 

CLIMAX

And once they’re further down the road,

Geneticists will write a tome,

Then buy and sell genetic code,

Cos they will know human genome,

And once the scheme of youth is sold,

We’ll live to be ten thousand old,

And once our aging process’ slowed,

We’ll spawn a twenty legg-ed toad,

French restaurants will buy a load.

And they’re breeding a pear with a head on.

(Lead singer holds up a grotesque effigy which is a talking doll covered with a large plastic pear.  The doll says “Mama” and the lights blackout)

Here is a vid of Led Zeppelin performing Stairway To Heaven, with lyrics:

I’m not sure what gossip columnist Marjorie Proops did or had done to her in January 1993 – must have been something in the press – just gossip I think, about her having an affair with a relative youngster. She survived until late 1996.

Anyway, here is my lyric, which I don’t think made it to the show. The show was awash with my material at that time anyway.

Neat little lyric, though.

MARJE PROOPS

(To the Tune of “High Hopes”)

 

VERSE 1

If you want vice at a newspaper price,

There’s a lot to be learned so seek advice.

Just what made that youthful gallant,

Want to thrill an agony aunt;

Anyone knows a gallant can’t,

Move an agony aunt.

 

CHORUS 1

But he had Marje Proops,

He had Marje Proops,

He had back of a barge, nose too large Proops.

So if you’re reading a solemn,

Agony column,

Just recall that gallant.

Oops there goes another agony aunt,

{Oops there goes another agony aunt,}

Oops there goes another agony aunt.

 

VERSE 2

When troubles fall and your back’s to the wall,

There are lots of advisors that you can call.

Once there was an elderly vamp,

Wanted fun with a juvenile scamp,

That youngster made his damp stamp,

On the elderly vamp.

 

CHORUS 2

Cos he had Marje Proops,

He had Marje Proops,

He had light brigade charge, specs too large Proops.

So if you’re not feeling fine,

On your advice line,

Just recall that young scamp.

Oops there goes another elderly vamp,

{Oops there goes another elderly vamp,}

Oops there goes another elderly vamp.

Wham bam!

Here is a vid of the song “High Hopes”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsrEsz7H5ZE

Here is a link to the Sammy Cahn lyrics to High Hopes…

…I clearly still had Sammy Cahn on my mind so soon after his passing and my obituary lyric for the great lyricist.

The Sammy Cahn Obituary Lyric, 18 January 1993

Back to Marje Proops – I remember people at school teasing me that my mum looked like Marje Proops – I think it was mostly the cruel spectacles to be honest>