Not especially topical then (or now) but I rather like this lyric, not least for its excellent fit with the tune it likes to use. I even made myself laugh out loud briefly when testing the first chorus.
BLOODY ARROWS
(To the Tune of “Little Arrows”)
VERSE 1
There’s a board, a little board,
With some wire and numbers too,
These darts must appeal to someone,
But the question is: to who?
And you see there’s no escape,
Cos on your late night TV sports,
You’ll see big fat gits play arrows,
With their pints as big as quarts.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Here they come pouring out of the loo,
With their trousers all size 52;
They’re on the oche again!
On the oche again!
CHORUS 1
You get arrows on Granada,
You get arrows Channel 4;
On Sky Sports you get arrows till you can’t watch any more;
You get arrows on the BBC repeated time again,
Video them arrows accidentally every now and then.
Wha-a-at a pain!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHORUS 2
Bloody arrows on the telly,
Bloody arrows, here’s the rub;
You’ll still get bloody arrows if you go off down the pub;
And they rope you into playing even if your blind and lame,
Cos them pricks you get with arrows are a bloody awful pain.
Here’s the Leapy Lee version, with lyrics set out underneath the vid if you click through:
I’ve never much liked rugby and in this lyric I gave the sport the treatment.
But I don’t think this lyric ever made the NewsRevue cut.
RUGBY LOVE
(To the Tune of “Puppy Love”)
(The player/singer should be as heavily bandaged and crutch-ridden as scene change time will allow)
VERSE 1
And they call it rugby love,
Oh I guess you’ll never know;
Why I’m face down in the mud,
In the winter rain and snow.
VERSE 2
Yes, they call it rugby love,
Just because we’re such a team;
If I crush you with my studs,
Its just the way I let off steam.
MIDDLE EIGHT
I cry each night,
But I’m tough as nails, right?
Like the nails in my limbs for to pin.
I hope and I pray,
I heal and can play,
At the one {at the one}
Sport sometimes {sport sometimes}
England win {play the one sport sometimes England win}.
VERSE 3
Someone help me, help me, help me please,
I got crushed bad in the scrum;
When some bastard grabbed my ball,
And some prick squashed up my bum.
{Yes some prick squashed up his bum}.
VERSE 4
Someone help me, help me, help me please,
Is the answer up above? (Chorus holds a sign over his head which reads “Testosterone Kid”, “Lunatic”, “Woofter” or anything else that might raise a laugh)
When I’m rucking with my team,
It is not a rugby love.
{It is not a rugby love}.
Here’s Donny on YouTube, with the lyrics in the text underneath if you load it in YouTube proper:
This looked all neat and tidy with an Amipro table at the end of it; the best I can do now is to turn the table into a list of submissions.
But you’ll get the idea.
I was getting into co-writing a bit at that time; a couple on this submission – never worked quite as well as I’d hoped it would.
John Random was quite regularly directing runs in those days; perhaps one a year or more. John will know.
John Random
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
MARCH-APRIL 1995 RUN
Dear John
This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show but mainly previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
have i the right (co-written with John Cowen)/have i the right/honeycombs – New
i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers – New
privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle – 4-6
the peanut farmer/the peanut vendor/alvin “snake eyes” tyler – New
tory rebel (co-written with d a barham)/ rebel rebel/david bowie – New
gillian shepherd/jennifer eccles/hollies – New
oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine – 1-3
why do you want to break our ties with clause 4?/what do you want make those eyes at me for?/emile ford and the checkmates – 1-3
Large lotteries were banned a while ago here,
To stop us betting everything we’ve got;
But now there’s mega-profits that could flow here,
From Camelot.
VERSE 2
Accounting firms who framed the deal made packets,
Consultancies have earned an awful lot;
Solicitors have got in on the racket,
They planned the lot.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1
Punt a lot, Camelot,
My tickets lost again;
Camelot, damn the lot!,
The problem’s Number 10.
VERSE 3
The razzmatazz has sure failed to delight us,
Noel Edmunds and his cronies should be shot;
More likely Necrotising Faciitis,
Than win a lot.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
Win a lot, win a lot?
This country’s going to the dogs;
Gamble lots, Camelot,
Like Irish, Greeks and Frogs.
OUTRO
They say they’ll donate loads to worthy causes,
And half the take in prizes reappears;
But they won’t have forgot, the most auspicious lot,
By far the biggest winner of the year is Camelot.
Here is Richard Burton chatting his way through the Camelot song, with the lyric on the screen:
I can usually tell now why songs were unused, but some were most unjustly overlooked…like this one.
Perhaps a bit too much going on in one item? Still, pearls before swine, were some of these lyrics. Ian Paisley singing “come right back to 1690” should have been performed.
I co-wrote this one with John Cowen. Perhaps that explains why so much is going on in one lyric.
John Random might choose to explain why this one was unused, as it transpires it was submitted to him.
HAVE I THE RIGHT
(To the Tune of “Have I The Right?”)
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
Have I the right behind me?
Or will the rebels gag and bind me,
Will Tebitt ever ever stop;
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the right invectives,
Bastard and dimwit are ineffective,
So I might soon be for the chop.
(Sing along now, entourage, yes, both of you)
CHORUS 1 – JOHN MAJOR & HIS ENTOURAGE
Come right back, you Eurosceptics,
You’re loud and mad and you’re apoplectic,
Come right back, to 32 Smith Square (oh yeh);
Come right back, rejoin our party,
Or we’ll get Blair and his arty-fartys,
Slick right back like Mike Portillo’s hair (oh yeh).
VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
Have I the right wing morons?
The Teddy Taylors and Theresa Gormans,
I wish that I was reassured,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the Ulster crazies?
The Molyneauxs and the Ian Paisley’s,
They’re angry with my peace accord;
CHORUS 2 – IAN PAISLEY
Come right back to 1690,
We won at Boyne and we’re part of Blighty,
Come right back to Ulster Union (oh yus);
Come right back, to times medieval,
Talks with the Irish are a damn-ed evil,
Come far right or you will soon be gone, (oh yus), (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
ALL: Soon be gone, oh yeh, (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
Soon be gone.
If you want to hear the Honeycombs and see their lyrics, click below.
Presumably there was severe flood risk in Holland that winter. I don’t recall whether or not this quickie was used; I think it ought to have been.
UNDER PRESSURE
(To the Tune of “Under Pressure”)
Two or three wimmin (a man can be a wimman for these purposes) link hands on stage. Ideally they have tulips about their persons and/or mock Dutch accents.
MAIN BIT
Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do;
Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do.
Pressure,
Pushing down on me,
Pressing down on you,
It’s pissing down.
Under pressure,
In the Netherlands,
Where the weather’s planned,
That we might drown.
OUTRO
Under pressure,
Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do;
Under pressure.
(During the above outro lines)
VOICE-OVER: That was a network of Dutch dikes – Under Pressure.
Here’s Queen and David Bowie singing Under Pressure with lyrics on the screen:
Oh dear, what a vague letter. Fortunately for me, Michael Eriera really liked my stuff – indeed I worried sometimes that he overused my material – so I’m sure my vagueness didn’t spoil my chances that run.
Michael Eriera 29 January 1995
(Finchley N12 address redacted)
Dear Michael
SONGS
I know I sent you some stuff and I know I promised you some more. I can’t remember what I sent or what I promised, so here is a big pack of lots of stuff. Do chase me for more if there’s anything else you liked that you can think of.
Hope all is well and I’ll speak to you soon no doubt.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
Why did the author of the lyric You Can’t Hurry Trusts want to write another lyric on a similar topic two years later?
Well, my only excuse for the 1994 lyric below was that NewsRevue was always hungry for new material, even for news stories that ran and ran, even when the existing material was very strong.
My excuse for the January 1995 version was that Bart’s (St Bartholemew’s Hospital) proposed closure was news.
I think only the second version was used in the show, briefly.
Here’s the 1994 version:
VIRGINIA
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1
DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT: Do not close.
VERSE 1
A DOCTOR: Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS: ….doing sums…..)
PATIENT: I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.
CHORUS 2
DOCTORS: Virginia, we’re only two star,
You’re shaking our confidence daily;
PATIENT: Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.
DOCTORS: Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
CHORUS 3
DOCTORS: Jubilation, we’re three star again,
We do all our work in out patients;
PATIENT: Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.
(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)
Here’s the Bart’s closure remix from January 1995:
VIRGINIA – BARTS CLOSURE ETC REMIX
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1
DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT: Do not close.
VERSE 1
A DOCTOR: Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS: ….doing sums…..)
PATIENT: I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.
CHORUS 2
DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re closing down Barts,
You’re causing more casualties daily;
PATIENT: Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.
DOCTORS: Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.
CHORUS 3
DOCTORS: Consternation, made losses again,
We’ll save if we treat in out patients;
PATIENT: Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.
(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)
Here’s Simon & Garfunkle singing Cecilia, with lyrics on the screen:
Like the story upon which the lyric is based, this ran and ran all year, with a few tweaked versions along the way. One of my most successful NewsRevue lyrics.
Here is the first (January) version of this lyric:
OJ’S GIRL
(To the Tune of “Bobby’s Girl”)
VERSE 1
VOICE OVER: (You’re not alive anymore, you’re not alive anymore)
GIRL: When people ask of me,
What would you do differently,
If you weren’t a stiff anymore;
VOICE OVER: (You’re not alive anymore)
GIRL: I know just what to say,
I answer right away,
I’d keep away from that vicious boor.
CHORUS 1
GIRL: I wouldn’t be OJ’s girl,
I wouldn’t be OJ’s girl,
That’s a pretty dangerous thing to be;
Cos if you are OJ’s girl,
If you are OJ’s girl,
You’re a victim of brutality.
VERSE 2
LAWYER: When people ask of me,
How will you get wealthy;
Now you’re not a beak anymore
VOICE OVER: (You’re not a beak anymore)
LAWYER: I know just what to be,
To make huge legal fees,
There’s just one case that I’m rooting for.
CHORUS 2
LAWYER: I wanna get OJ’s brief,
I wanna get OJ’s brief,
That’s the most important thing to me;
And if I get OJ off,
If I get OJ off,
What a heap of cash my fees will be;
{LAWYER: What a heap of cash my fees will be.}
{GIRL: What a heap of shit that guy must be.}
{Jointly }
Here’s the Marcie Blane original, with lyrics:
Here’s a longer version I put together in April 1995 – I think most casts persevered mostly with the January version at that time:
OJ’S GIRL – VERSION TWO: UPDATE AND REMIX
(To the Tune of “Bobby’s Girl”)
VERSE 1 – THE VICTIM
VOICE OVER: (You’re not alive anymore, you’re not alive anymore)
GIRL: When people ask of me, what would you do differently,
If you weren’t a stiff anymore;
VOICE OVER: (You’re not alive anymore)
GIRL: I know just what to say, I answer right away,
I’d keep away from that vicious boor.
GIRL: I wouldn’t be OJ’s girl, I wouldn’t be OJ’s girl,
That’s a pretty dangerous thing to be;
Cos if you are OJ’s girl, if you are OJ’s girl,
You’re a victim of brutality.
VERSE 2 – THE DEFENCE LAWYER
LAWYER 1: When people ask of you, what would you like to do;
Now you’re on TV every day.
VOICE OVER: (You’re on TV every day)
LAWYER 2: I’ll act flamboyantly, and make huge legal fees,
If this one case I can swing my way.
LAWYER 2: I wanna get OJ off, I wanna get OJ off,
That’s the most important thing to me;
And if I get OJ off, if I get OJ off,
What a heap of cash my fees will be;
{LAWYER 1: What a heap of cash his fees will be.}
{GIRL: What a heap of shit that guy must be.}
{Jointly }
OPTIONAL EXTRA VERSE – THE DUMB CRIMINOLOGIST
CRIMINOLOGIST: When people ask of me, how will you make a fee,
Now you’re not a criminologist any more;
VOICE OVER: (You’re not a criminologist any more)
CRIMINOLOGIST: I know just what to do, to dump me in the poo,
There’s just one trick that I have in store.
CRIMINOLOGIST: I wanna stitch OJ up, I wanna stitch OJ up,
That’s the most important thing to me,
And if I stitch OJ up, if I stitch OJ up,
What a twit I’ll look like on TV.
ALL: What a witness he turned out to be,
Now that OJ may get off scott free!!
And finally, here is the third version from November that year, which I think extended the lyric’s life a while longer:
OJ’S GIRL – POST TRIAL REMIX
(To the Tune of “Bobby’s Girl”)
VERSE 1
VOICE OVER: (You’re not alive anymore, you’re not alive anymore)
GIRL: When people ask of me,
What would you do differently,
If you weren’t a stiff anymore;
VOICE OVER: (You’re not alive anymore)
GIRL: I know just what to say,
I answer right away,
I’d keep away from that vicious boor.
CHORUS 1
GIRL: I wouldn’t be OJ’s girl,
I wouldn’t be OJ’s girl,
That’s a pretty dangerous thing to be;
Cos if you are OJ’s girl,
If you are OJ’s girl,
You’re a victim of brutality.
VERSE 2
LAWYER: When people asked of me,
How will you get wealthy;
If your client clearly broke the law?
VOICE OVER: (Allegedly broke the law)
LAWYER: I knew just what to be,
To make huge legal fees,
There was one case that I rooted for.
CHORUS 2
LAWYER: I went and got OJ’s brief,
I went and got OJ’s brief,
That’s the most important thing to me;
And when I got OJ off,
When I got OJ off,
What a heap of cash I made in fees;
{LAWYER: What a heap of cash I made in fees.}
{GIRL: What a heap of shit that guy must be.}
{Jointly }
I marked this one copyright 1994/1995, so it must have been more or less complete on my jotter over Christmas. In fact my log says, slightly vaguely, “Oct 94”.
Not a very Socialist principle, that, copyright; owning the means of theatrical production and intellectual property exchange.
The story ran and ran; I also think this lyric had a good long stint in several runs.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO BREAK OUR TIES WITH CLAUSE FOUR?
(To the Tune of “What Do You Want To Make Those Eyes At Me For?”)
VERSE 1 – LEFTIES (PROBABLY WITH SKINNERITE NORTHERN ACCENTS)
(You’ll have to supply most of the do-wops yourselves, but here’s some to get you going)
Do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be do:
Why do you want to make those jibes at Clause Four,
When you don’t know what it says?
It makes us mad,
It makes us sad,
To think of common ownership that we’ve never had.
You’re fooling yourself, young Tony,
Oh, you’ll lead us wrong and then you’ll go away;
We’ll shake us fist,
You’re never a Socialist,
You’re more, we insist,
Conservative Unionist.
So why do you want to break our ties with Clause Four,
When you don’t know what it says?
VERSE 2 – BLAIR AND HIS ATTENDANT CRONIES
Do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be, (key change) do-wop be-do-be-do-be do:
Why do you have to vocalise on Clause Four,
When we don’t know what it says?
It makes teeth grate,
It’s out of date,
It makes me think of martyrs at the Tollpuddle gate.
We’ll never be the common owners,
Of the methods of production and exchange,
So please don’t fight,
You’re sounding off Trotskyite;
And don’t go and write,
A Socialist Composite.
But why do you want to keep those ties with Clause Four,
When we don’t mean what it says (da-da-dum)
We don’t mean (dum-da-dum-da-dum) what it says,
Do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be, do-wop be-do-be-do-be do
No way!!
It might remind you of this Emile Ford and The Checkmates classic:
