I don’t think this lyric was used. It relates to BSkyB as it was then (Sky now) introducing additional pricing for sports channels. Seems commonplace now, but at the time some folk thought the idea would never take off.
YOU’LL NEVER WATCH A GAME (To the tune of “You’ll Never Walk Alone”)
VERSE 1
When you watch TV sport, Keep your cheque book by, The side of your scram-bling device.
At the end of the match, Send your dosh to Sky, And be grateful we’ve not raised the price.
VERSE 2
Pay on, through the nose, Pay on, till it hurts, This is B-Sky-B’s refrain:
CHORUS 1 (The Chorus have charity type collection boxes which they use as maracas)
Pay up, Pay up, We hope, You’re not poor, Or you’ll never watch a game, You’ll never watch a game.
CHORUS 2 (Perhaps Chorus get off the stage and pretend to menace money from the audience)
Fork out, Fork out, Or we’ll cut, Off you’re sport, Then you’ll never watch again, You’ll never watch again.
Below is a video of You’ll Never Walk Alone, sung by Gerry & The Pacemakers, with the lyrics on the screen.
This one went down really well with the NewsRevue audience and ran for a long time.
I remember being a little disappointed that John Random didn’t use it towards the end of his April to June 1992 run, which was in full flow when this one was written. But I now understand more about the frantic nature of producing NewsRevue; this number would have been a real challenge to add to the pot (as it were) and do well mid-run.
Anyway, Paula Tappenden and her cast picked it up straight away in late June/July and did a fabulous job with it. The number was revived by later casts too, I’m pretty sure.
I recall Harriet Quirk being especially complementary about this one; I think she liked it.
COPPERS ARE DRESSED AS HIPPIES
(To the tune of “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic”)
VERSE 1
If you go down to the Plain today,
You’re in for a big surprise;
If you go down to Stonehenge today,
You’ll see police in disguise.
CHORUS 1
For solstice time means unwanted guests,
The Fuzz are after heaps of arrests,
And that’s why lots of Coppers are dressed as Hippies.
VERSE 2
Every piggy-wig in the force,
Is sure of a chance to bust;
The Hippies always have herbal smokes,
Speed, Acid and Angel Dust.
CHORUS 2
So all the filth that ever there was,
Is gathered there for certain because,
Today’s the day the Force infiltrate the Hippies.
PENULTIMATE BIT
Hippy time for PC Plod,
He’s in the drug squad,
He’s wearing a syrup and false beard;
Kaftan worn and sandal shod,
And using words like “hey”, “wow”, “man”, and “weird”.
AND FINALLY
Thousands of folk mill about,
Just watch them dance and shout,
And sometimes set off a flare.
At six o’clock the chief calls it off,
And they’ve not made one arrest,
Because there aren’t any Hippies there.
(Perhaps two Copper-Hippies simultaneously put their hand on the other’s shoulder and say “You’re nicked”)
Here is Henry Hall and His Orchestra with “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” – I make no apology for the publisher’s placement of the apostrophe – but just dig the clipped tones of the singer:
I had this idea soon after starting to attend NewsRevue; just a few weeks after John Random and his cast started to use my stuff; not least You Can’t Hurry Trusts.
This idea never got off the ground, although several good souls looked at it and liked it conceptually. It does have some good gags and ideas in it.
STAFF NURSE CARMEN SMITH
(A Mini Opera in three acts and one casualty of cuts in Government funding)
CAST
Staff Nurse Carmen Smith (Carmen) – A staff nurse in an NHS hospital
Dr Joseph (Don Jose) – A junior houseman in an NHS hospital
Mister Lister (Escamillo) – An eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist
[Staff Nurse Michelle – (Micaela) – Doctor Joseph’s childhood sweetheart – optional extra leading role, excluded from scenario at present.]
Enormous choruses of doctors, nurses, patients, accountants, lawyers, clients, tramps, journalists, eminent surgeons etc. (Most of these are unfortunately just offstage and out of earshot. Those who happen to find themselves on stage for a while are played by members of the above cast)
SYNOPSIS
ACT 1 – Inside an NHS hospital in a grimy London suburb
Nurses are busying themselves doing whatever it is nurses do (paperwork?) and singing merrily as they toil [1]. One ambitious staff nurse, Carmen Smith, dreams of a more luxurious life and resolves to improve her lot [2]. She flirts with the housemen and makes it clear that she has her eye on Dr Joseph. She seductively invites him to a rendezvous at the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar, where professional health care advisors (accountants and lawyers) may help them to better themselves in an NHS Trust hospital [3]. If Carmen and Joseph are really lucky, someone may even buy them a drink.
ACT 2 – Wynkyn De Worde Wine Bar in old London town
Wild braying and heavy drinking. The professional health care advisors are celebrating all the money they make out of the NHS [4]. {A Fleet Street tramp staggers into the bar and tells of his demise. He is then rudely ejected [5].} Mister Lister, an eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist arrives to discuss his financial affairs with his accountant. He decides he would prefer to talk about amorous affairs. He has taken a shine to Carmen and persuades the accountant to invite her to watch a pioneering operation he is undertaking next week. Carmen accepts the offer. Joseph knows that he has lost her to Lister. Finally, the health care advisors explain why NHS Trusts are such a good thing [6].
ACT 3
We regret, due to recent cuts in Government funding, we have been forced to close Act 3. We sincerely hope that we shall be able to restore the Act 3 service in the very near future.
ACT 4 – Outside an operating theatre in a flashy private hospital in a fashionable London suburb
Doctors and nurses await the arrival of Mister Lister and hail the benefits of private medical insurance [7]. Mister Lister is to undertake the world’s first clitoris transplant. He arrives to much acclaim and tells the throng how clever and important he is [8]. Carmen remains outside the operating theatre. Joseph arrives and begs Carmen to come back to him. They squabble, and in the struggle Joseph wounds her with his scalpel. Sadly, Carmen has no private health insurance so the medical staff cannot treat her wound at the private hospital. Tragically, Carmen dies in Joseph’s arms while they wait for the ambulance to take her to the NHS hospital [9].
SUGGESTED SONGS/TUNES (very much subject to change)
OVERTURE (medley of best tunes)
ACT 1
1)An opening number (perhaps to the tune of “Stonecutters cut it on stone” or possibly the Urchin Boys Chorus from “Carmen”)
2)Wouldn’t it be luxury (To the tune of “Wouldn’t it be lovely”)
3)Song based on Seguidilla and duet (from “Carmen”)
ACT 2
4)Song based on Chanson Boheme (from “Carmen”)
{5)Norman Lamont (to the tune of “Norwegian Wood”)}
6)You can’t hurry trusts (to the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love”)
ACT 3
would have been really brilliant
ACT 4
7)Supa BUPA (to the tune of “Super Trouper”)
8)Song based on Toreador’s Song (from “Carmen”)
9)Finale (reprise)
THOUGHTS ON SONGS
The only songs that exist at the moment are “Supa BUPA”, “You can’t hurry trusts” and “Norman Lamont”. I also have “Bye Bye NHS” but can’t fit it into the current scenario. In any event, it may be preferable to leave out all the greatest hits and have all new songs.
An extract/example/idea for Seguidilla
In London City the health care advisors go, To the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar; Accountants and lawyers bray, While they drink Chardonnay, “My car, Is the very latest sporty Mazda”.
An extract/example/idea for Wouldn’t it be Luxury
All I want is a yacht somewhere, Off the Cape of Finisterre, We’d all sunbathe in the rare, Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
All I want is a Rolls Royce car, A Bentley and a Jaguar, Each one fitted with a bar, Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
OTHER INITIAL THOUGHTS
None of the suggestions presented at this stage are written in stone (other than the central idea of moving the story of Carmen into the contemporary UK health service). Please be brutal and change/reject ideas you don’t like and make new suggestions.
Running length – 25-45 minutes
Balance – 3 or 4 songs per Act (some may be short “link” songs). At least one tune from Carmen per Act.
Style – Musical Drama (spoken comedy between songs rather than Operatic recitative. A little recitative may be used for comic effect.)
The synopsis, once suitably funny, would be circulated to the audience as part of the programme.
In May 1992 I tightened up the synopsis and retitled it a Micro-Opera in the hope that such a thing would seem less ambitious than a Mini-Opera. I also included a lyric for “Bonecutters Cut It On Bone”; a surgeons refrain if ever there was one. Here’s that second version:
STAFF NURSE CARMEN SMITH
(A Micro Opera in three acts and one casualty of cuts in Government funding)
CAST
Staff Nurse Carmen Smith (Carmen) – A staff nurse in an NHS hospital Dr Joseph (Don Jose) – A junior houseman in an NHS hospital Mister Lister (Escamillo) – An eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist
Enormous choruses of doctors, nurses, patients, accountants, lawyers, clients, tramps, journalists, eminent surgeons etc. (Most of these are unfortunately just offstage and out of earshot. Those who happen to find themselves on stage for a while are played by members of the above cast)
SYNOPSIS
ACT 1 – Inside an NHS hospital in a grimy London suburb
Nurses are busying themselves doing whatever it is nurses do (paperwork?) and singing merrily as they toil. One ambitious staff nurse, Carmen Smith, dreams of a more luxurious life and resolves to improve her lot. She flirts with the housemen and makes it clear that she has her eye on Dr Joseph. She seductively invites him to a rendezvous at the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar, where professional health care advisors (accountants and lawyers) may help the young lovers to better themselves in an NHS Trust hospital. If Carmen and Joseph are really lucky, someone may even buy them a drink.
ACT 2 – Wynkyn De Worde Wine Bar in old London town
Wild braying and heavy drinking. The professional health care advisors are celebrating all the money they make out of the NHS. Mister Lister, an eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist arrives to discuss his financial affairs with his accountant. He decides he would prefer to talk about amorous affairs. He has taken a shine to Carmen and persuades the accountant to invite her to watch a pioneering operation he is to undertake next week. Carmen accepts the offer. Joseph knows that he has lost her to Lister. Finally, the health care advisors explain why NHS Trusts are such a good thing.
ACT 3
We regret, due to recent cuts in Government funding, we have been forced to close Act 3. We sincerely hope that we shall be able to restore the Act 3 service in the very near future.
ACT 4 – Outside an operating theatre in a flashy private hospital in a fashionable London suburb
Doctors and nurses await the arrival of Mister Lister and hail the benefits of private medical insurance. Mister Lister is to undertake the world’s first clitoris transplant. He arrives to much acclaim and tells the throng how clever and important he is. Carmen remains outside the operating theatre. Joseph arrives and begs Carmen to come back to him. They squabble, and in the struggle Joseph wounds her with his scalpel. Sadly, Carmen has no private health insurance so the medical staff cannot treat her wound at the private hospital. Tragically, Carmen dies in Joseph’s arms while they wait for the ambulance to take her to the NHS hospital.
BONECUTTERS CUT IT ON BONE (To the Tune of “Stonecutters Cut it On Stone”)
MALE VERSE
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it flop, The quacks with the knacks for cosmetic cuts, are earning at the top.
CHORUS
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Neurologists get on your nerves, But plastic surgeons make more cash, improving peoples curves.
FEMALE VERSE
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it miss, When guys specialise anaplastically, It’s them I want to kiss.
CHORUS
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Pox Doctors cure your rude bits, But plastic surgeons make more cash, enlarging women’s tits.
Then, on 25 August 1992, I revised it once more, reverting to the Mini-Opera styling and added some more lyric ideas:
STAFF NURSE CARMEN SMITH
(A Mini Opera in three acts and one casualty of cuts in Government funding)
CAST
Staff Nurse Carmen Smith (Carmen) – A staff nurse in an NHS hospital Dr Joseph (Don Jose) – A junior houseman in an NHS hospital Mister Lister (Escamillo) – An eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist [Staff Nurse Michelle – (Micaela) – Doctor Joseph’s childhood sweetheart – optional extra leading role, excluded from scenario at present.]
Enormous choruses of doctors, nurses, patients, accountants, lawyers, clients, journalists, eminent surgeons etc. (Most of these are unfortunately just offstage and out of earshot. Those who happen to find themselves on stage for a while are played by members of the above cast)
SYNOPSIS
ACT 1 – Inside an NHS hospital in a grimy London suburb
Nurses are busying themselves doing whatever it is nurses do (paperwork?) and singing merrily as they toil. One ambitious staff nurse, Carmen Smith, dreams of a more luxurious life and resolves to improve her lot. She flirts with the housemen and makes it clear that she has her eye on Dr Joseph. She seductively invites him to a rendezvous at the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar, where professional health care advisors (accountants and lawyers) may help the young lovers to better themselves in an NHS Trust hospital. If Carmen and Joseph are really lucky, someone may even buy them a drink.
ACT 2 – Wynkyn De Worde Wine Bar in old London town
Wild braying and heavy drinking. The professional health care advisors are celebrating all the money they make out of the NHS. Mister Lister, an eminent surgeon and Consultant Gynaecologist arrives to discuss his financial affairs with his accountant. He sees Carmen and takes a shine to her. Lister persuades the accountant to invite her to watch a pioneering operation he is to undertake next week. (Why an accountant is undertaking a pioneering operation I really can’t say). Carmen accepts the offer. Joseph knows that he has lost her to Lister. Finally, the health care advisors explain why NHS Trusts are such a good thing.
ACT 3
We regret, due to recent cuts in Government funding, we have been forced to close Act 3. We sincerely hope that we shall be able to restore the Act 3 service in the very near future.
ACT 4 – Outside an operating theatre in a flashy private hospital in a fashionable London suburb
Doctors and nurses await the arrival of Mister Lister and hail the benefits of private medical insurance. Mister Lister is to undertake the world’s first clitoris transplant. He arrives to much acclaim and tells the throng how clever and important he is. Carmen remains outside the operating theatre. Joseph arrives and begs Carmen to come back to him. They squabble, and in the struggle Joseph wounds her with his scalpel. Sadly, Carmen has no private health insurance so the medical staff cannot treat her wound at the private hospital. Tragically, Carmen dies in Joseph’s arms while they wait for the ambulance to take her to the NHS hospital next door.
SUGGESTED SONGS/TUNES – EXAMPLE
OVERTURE (medley of best tunes)
ACT 1
1) Bonecutters cut it on Bone (to the tune of “Stonecutters cut it on stone”)
2) Wouldn’t it be luxury (To the tune of “Wouldn’t it be lovely”)
3) Song based on Seguidilla from “Carmen” (Dere’s a Cafe on de Corner – “Carmen Jones”)
ACT 2
4) Song based on Chanson Boheme from “Carmen” (Beat Out Dat Rhythm – “Carmen Jones”)
5) You can’t hurry trusts (to the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love”)
ACT 3
would have been really brilliant
ACT 4
6) Supa BUPA (to the tune of “Super Trouper”)
7) Song based on Toreador’s Song from “Carmen” (Stan’ Up and Fight – “Carmen Jones”)
8) Finale (reprise)
OTHER SONGS AND TUNES THAT LOOK LIKE RUNNERS
Song based on the Urchin Boys Chorus from “Carmen”
Song based on Habanera from “Carmen” (Dat’s Love – “Carmen Jones”)
Song based on Michaela’s Air from “Carmen” (My Joe – “Carmen Jones”)
24 Hours From Ulcers (to the tune of “24 Hours From Tulsa”)
Bye Bye NHS (to the tune of “Bye Bye Love”)
SONGS / EXTRACTS WHERE POSSIBLE
BONECUTTERS CUT IT ON BONE (To the Tune of “Stonecutters Cut it On Stone”)
MALE VERSE
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it flop, The quacks with the knacks for cosmetic cuts, are earning at the top.
CHORUS
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Neurologists get on your nerves, But plastic surgeons make more cash, improving peoples curves.
FEMALE VERSE
I’ve never seen it yet to fail, I’ve never seen it miss, When guys specialise anaplastically, It’s them I want to kiss.
CHORUS
Bonecutters cut it on bone, Pox Doctors cure your rude bits, But plastic surgeons make more cash, enlarging women’s tits.
|———-|
An extract/idea for Seguidilla
In London City the health care advisors go, To the Wynkyn De Worde wine bar; Accountants and lawyers bray, While they drink Chardonnay, “My car, Is the very latest sporty Mazda”.
|———-|
An extract/idea for Wouldn’t it be Luxury
All I want is a yacht somewhere, Off the Cape of Finisterre, We’d all sunbathe in the rare, Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
All I want is a Rolls Royce car, A Bentley and a Jaguar, Each one fitted with a bar, Oh wouldn’t it be luxury.
|———-|
Below is Stonecutters Cut It On Stone from the movie version of Carousel:
This one certainly didn’t make the cut when first submitted to the Random run that spring and I’m not sure I tried resubmitting it all that hard.
I might have had Spitting Image in mind for this one. I know I sent them some stuff around that time, probably including this one, only to discover that they were off air spring/summer.
There are some good lines but it would be wicked hard to perform. I was still learning then…still am.
HEATWAVE
(To the tune of “Heatwave”)
VERSE 1
Whenever the sun shines, {Ooohhh}
And Britain is warm;{Britain is warm}
Sun reporters,{Ooohhh}
And photographers swarm.
CHORUS 1
Could it be, a chance to see,{aaahhh, aaahhh}
Tit and bum on page one instead of three?{aaahhh, aaahhh}
Cos it’s a heatwave,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}
We’ve shots of Princess Di,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}
That prove she must shave,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}
Her armpits and her thighs.
VERSE 2
There’s always one arsehole,{do wah, do wah}
Ends up breaking his spine;{yeh, heatwave, yeh}
He dives, head first,{do wah, do wah}
Into the Serpentine.{yeh, heatwave, yeh}
CHORUS 2
He doesn’t mind being half alive,{aaahhh, aaahhh}
Cos he made the news at five-forty-five.{aaahhh, aaahhh}
There’s still a brain wave,{There’s still a brain wave,}
Although it’s only faint,{There’s still a brain wave,}
There’s still a brain wave,{There’s still a brain wave,}
Oh – now there ain’t.
VERSE 3
Take a trip to Margate,{do wah, do wah}
But you’re sure to get home late,{yeh, heatwave, yeh}
(British Rail Announcer)
“There’s no train service, ’till further notice,{do wah, do wah}
The sun has melted all the track”{yeh, heatwave, yeh}
CHORUS 3
Cos this whole country’s brought to its knees,{aaahhh, aaahhh}
As soon as the gauge shows eighty degrees,{aaahhh, aaahhh}
It’s called a heatwave.{It’s called a heatwave.}
Yeh yeh, yeh yeh, oh yeh, {Phew what a scortcher, this heat is torture}
Yeh yeh, yeh yeh, oh yeh, {Phew what a scortcher, this heat is torture}
This heatwave’s small beer, we get one every year
But its a heatwave!!!
Here is a vid of the wonderful Martha & The Vandellas singing Heatwave to a rather sedate-looking English audience:
Buoyed by my early success with California Here I Go, I wrote quite a lot of lyrics during John Random’s Spring 1992 run.
Eventually I’ll upload the others; those performed and those not. Actually I’m not sure which John used and which he didn’t; I think he was (rightly) quite selective with those earlier efforts. But I do recall that John used this one about NHS Trusts; indeed it was revived, updated and used quite a lot for at least a couple of years – one of my better and more successful ones.
Virginia/Gini refers to Virginia Bottomley, the much-maligned Secretary of State for Health at that time. The song still works pretty much word for word, by merely changing the name of the Health Secretary and the future year in which a bed might become available – at the time of writing I am using “2028” when I lay this one down on my baritone uke.
I especially remember Chris Stanton starring in this number, as the lead singer/unfortunate old codger who was suffering while the NHS tried to transform into trusts. John Random will doubtless remember more about it, including the names of the other cast members from that run. I’m guessing Ian Angus Wilkie…
My WP file is dated 4 May 1992 and I am pretty sure that my version was first performed that Thursday, 7 May 1992.
♬ YOU CAN’T HURRY TRUSTS ♬
(To the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love”)
VERSE 1
I need drugs, drugs, to ease my pains, I need some treatment, NHS explains;
CHORUS 1
{Virginia says}You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{She says}List’ll get shorter, numbers doctored by the state.
You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{You gotta}Pop pills for a while, that way you will be sedate.
VERSE 2
But how many more months must I pine,
Before they find a bed in which to mend my spine?
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on,
Is the pethidine and this mogadon.
CHORUS 2
{But Virginia always says}
You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{She says} While we raise finance, operations will be late.
How long must I wait, how much more can I take?
Before all ‘dis traction, will cause my poor back to break. {You must wait}
VERSE 3
NHS trusts, don’t come easy,
So they keep debating, pontificating,
While Gini argues, what trusts ought to provide,
The NHS shoots off down the slide.
But I keep hoping, {Oooooh} that one fine day,
( {The hospital’ tell me}, I can stay.})
CHORUS 3
{But Gini says}You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{Why?}We must hire accountants, and a huge inspectorate.
You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;
{We promise}You’ll have a bed soon, autumn nineteen ninety eight.
John Random must have thought I was obsessed with Californian news, because I submitted this less than two weeks after California Here I Go. Perhaps I thought it might replace the morbid execution piece, which by its nature became old news rather quickly.
Unsurprisingly, this “looting” one wasn’t used. But it was submitted in the same pack as You Can’t Hurry Trusts, so you can’t fault John and the cast for their discerning choice of a winner when they saw one.
LOOTIN’ USA
(To the tune of “Surfin’ USA”)
VERSE 1
If everybody was in turmoil,
And causing an affray;
Then everybody’d be lootin’,
Like Californ-I-A;
You’d see ’em wearing their shell suits,
With beard and sandals too;
They’d all be breaking their curfews,
Lootin’ USA.
CHORUS
Insurrection USA They’re starting fires in Long Beach,
Depredation USA And in Fort Lauderdale;
Conflagration USA There’s violence in Pasadena,
Turbulation USA And in San Quentin jail;
Consternation USA All over Manhattan,
Deflagration And down in Santa Fe;
Everbody’s gone lootin’;
Lootin USA.
VERSE 2
We’ll all be planning out a riot,
And then we’ll light my fire;
Then go and nick some hi-fis,
To build a funeral pyre;
Insurgence and arson,
We’re gonna plunder LA;
Tell the fuzz we’re all lootin’
Lootin’ USA
SHORT INSTRUMENTAL (Preferably including some dancing that vaguely resembles people beating each other up)
Everbody’s gone lootin’;
Lootin USA.
Everbody’s gone lootin’;
Lootin USA.
Here is a really weird vid of The Beach Boys making minimal effort to mime Surfin’ USA while wearing bizarre beach outfits:
