Tag: The Old Bailey

A Hat Trick Of Seasonal Events, London Cricket Trust Dinner, Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner & Z/Yen Team Lunch, 11, 12 & 13 December 2019

It seems churlish to complain about too many nice events, but this particular week really did include a surfeit of them for me.

I had already enjoyed the Parasite evening at Curzon Mayfair…

Parasite by Bong Joon-hu, Film Preview & Panel Discussion, Curzon Mayfair, 9 December 2019

…and the Z/Yen 25th anniversary party at The Old Bailey…

25th Z/Yeniversary Alumni Function, The Old Bailey, 10 December 2019

…and it was still only Tuesday.

The three events described in this piece were the Wednesday, Thursday and Friday of the same week.

London Cricket Trust Dinner, Three Cranes, Wednesday 11 December 2019

Duncan Jenkinson, Andy Griffiths, Leshia Hawkins, some bloke in pink Middlesex kit photo-bombing our picture, Ivan Thomas and Me, 16 July 2019

No photos from this event, but the above photo and link is from one of the highlights of the London Cricket Trust’s year – A B de Villiers opening our Deptford Park facility in July.

We thought it would be a good idea to have a meal together after the Trustees meeting this time. We have been gathering now since 2017 planning non-turf pitch and net facilities for London’s parks, without ever breaking bread together…until this evening.

The Three Cranes location in the City worked well for me, giving me the opportunity to clear some work at the office (yes, believe it or not I did also do some work in this event-filled week) before the Trustees meeting at the Three Cranes, which was followed by the joyous meal and libations.

This evening was an excellent opportunity to all get to know each other a bit better. Not just we Trustees, but also the England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) people who have been working tirelessly on our intiiative (and participation cricket more generally), plus Ed Griffiths and his team who have been doing so much wonderful pro bono work on behalf of the LCT over the years.

One of many good thoughts that emerged from the evening is that we still haven’t actually watched any professional cricket together; we’re hoping to put that right during the 2020 season.

A very enjoyable evening.

Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner & Trophy Match, Spaghetti House Holborn, Thursday 12 December 2019

It’s been a big year for anniversaries. Not only the Z/Yen 25th (the alumni party for which is linked again here and at the very start of this “hat trick” piece)…

…but also the 40th anniversary of NewsRevue, which had its alumni event during the summer:

NewsRevue 40th Anniversary Party, Show & Smoker, Canal Cafe Theatre, 18 August 2019

One NewsRevue alum who, sadly, only just made it a few months beyond the 20th anniverary of that show was Ivan Shakespeare. We “Class Of ’92” types who were NewsRevue contemporaries of Ivan meet on an irregular occasional basis, three or four times a year, to keep in touch with each other, eat, trade jokes, share bizarre quizzes and also to remember Ivan. We’ve been doing that since mid 2000, a few months after Ivan died.

In the seasonal version of our gathering, the stakes increase markedly and we play one of the quizzes for The Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Trophy. I am proud to be the donor of the original Memorial Trophy, which was first contested in 2002, about 18 months after the dinners started.

It’s a bit like The Ashes, but for comedy writers rather than for cricketers.

Much like The Ashes, the trophy is a thing of exquisite gimcrackness; it’s absence of taste simply has to be seen to be believed:

Observant readers will see that I won that trophy once; in 2004
Some real names from the world of quizzing on there: Hugh Ryecroft for one, Barry Grossman being another.

The problem is, unlike The Ashes, the trophy is inscribed with the winner’s name each year…

…and the original trophy is running out of sensible places for the embazoning of the winner’s name…

…OK, there never were sensible places for the emblazoning, but now we are even running out of silly places to inscribe.

The solution: a new trophy. Acquired through the sort of tenacity that only Graham Robertson could possibly deploy – an eBay purchase which he needed to make twice because the first eBay vendor of tasteless out-of-date royal gimcrack merchandise took Graham’s money and did a runner.

The assembled alums at our new spiritual venue, The Spaghetti House in Holborn, decreed that Mark Keegan, who won the original trophy three times, should become “steward-for-life” of the original trophy.

Mark Keegan, delighted with his original trophy. Graham Robertson looks on, enviously.
Barry Grossman shows off the new trophy…
…then wears one for the team by winning the new trophy this year

As usual I came quite close but no cigar for me in the trophy stakes since 2004. Barry Grossman scooped the glittering prize this year – with sincere commiserations to Barry – he could have been an also-ran, but instead…

It wasn’t all quizzes and trophies; oh no, no, no, no, no, no no. There was plenty of time for eating, drinking, topical humour and some sense-of-irony-sapping politics on what was, after all, an election night.

Moving swiftly on from the will-to-live-depleting topics back to the humour section, John Random produced another set of personalised Christmas crackers this year, based on the BBC Radio 4 programme In Our Time with Melvyn Bragg.

My cracker contained a note posing the intriguing question:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

Frankly, I had no idea and would gladly have said, “no idea”, but for the answer provided, which instead said, in Braggian tones:

With me to discuss what you call a deer with no eyes, I have Ian Harris, Professor of Mammalian Opthalmology at Gresham College and author of In Darkness Let me Dwell – and Professor Jonny Hurst from the University of Manchester, author of Champagne Super Over: Oasis In Popular Culture.

There is sort-of a tradition in recent years for at least one person’s order to go horribly wrong at the festive dinner. This year it Barry Grossman who suffered the indignity of being brought his main at starter time and a starter-sized portion of his chosen main at main course time. The nice waiter did his best to sort things out.

Ironically, Barry went on to win the quiz, as did Jonny Hurst in 2017 when it was his turn to be the brunt of the ritual service humiliation – in those days at Cafe Rogues in Holborn not far from the scene of this year’s crime. That year, 2017, John Random’s personalised crackers had been based on the Moral Maze. He likes his thinky-Radio-4 programmes, does our John.

Anyway, the night of 12 December 2019 will surely be remembered as a great night for NewsRevue alums…and Tories…ironically.

Z/Yen Seasonal Lunch, The Old Bailey, Friday 13 December 2019

Z/Yen team gathered in the Alderman & Sheriff’s apartment

In the world of crime fiction, criminals have a regular, unfortunate tendancy; returning to the scene of the crime. Whether that is true in the real world or not I have no idea. Nor do I have the faintest idea what that point might have to do with this section of this piece.

Anyway, just three days after the Z/Yen Alumni function at The Old Bailey, the current Z/Yen team regrouped in that astonishing building for the staff seasonal lunch.

On this occasion we found ourselves in the smaller function room, used daily for the judges pre-luncheon drinks, after enjoying our pre-lunch drinks in Michael and Elisabeth’s apartment. Once again Sean, their footman, proved his skills as a photographer – thanks Sean.

The meal was a very good one; smoked trout fillet, followed by a posh duck dish, followed by an apple tart-like desert.

The wines tasted suspiciously like those excellent wines we’d enjoyed earlier in the week and seemed suspiciously well food-matched for the lunch, thanks to the combined skills of Gordon Clunie and (in all modesty) me.

Linda produced one of her fiendish seasonal quizzes – let’s not even talk about how badly Simon Mills and I did as a so-called team on that one.

Secret Santa visited (I got some baritone ukulele strings) and Santa also brought everyone a small box of super posh chocolates.

Then the traditional Z/Yen seasonal sing song. Being exceptionally woke for a boomer, I again recycled a previous effort this year, cunningly adding a topical reference ensuring that no-one would realise that it was recycled…

…unless they looked at the copyright years and/or version numbers and/or read this piece. Here is the 2019 version of The 12 Days Of Z/Yen Training. Excellent, was the performance, especially the “Five Forces” motif, which brought tears to my eyes each time around.

It is a fascinating musical phenomenon that this particular song works in so many different keys: C, C#, B, D, D#, A, E, G#, G, F & F#…all at the same time…at least, it did that afternoon.

After the formalities, plenty of informalities with some additional quizzing, singing, chatting and libations until it was chucking out time at The Old Bailey.

Chucking out time at The Old Bailey on a Friday afternoon works remarkably quickly and effectively:

You are welcome to stay on downstairs if you wish…but no-one will be here with the keys to your cell until Monday morning…

…everyone scarpers sharpish at that juncture.

Some ventured on for more libations at a local hostelry, but after five events in five days, all I could think about was getting home and lying down for a good few hours.

25th Z/Yeniversary Alumni Function, The Old Bailey, 10 December 2019

Put out the bunting! Charge the wine glasses. Z/Yen is 25 years old.

Can it really be that long since I formed Z/Yen with a small group of reprobates, not least Michael Mainelli? Yes.

Naturally the event has been reported in Now & Z/Yen, the company’s occasional newsletter/blog, (also now aged 25 and counting), click here for that report.

Preparations for the alumni do started some months before the event. Not least, the creation of a gimcrack exhibition worthy of the Victoria & Albert museum:

An early, experimental attempt some days before the event

Given the sizeable quantities of stock remaining for some Z/Yen gimcrack artefacts, we decided that the alums “deserved” goody bags on leaving this event.

Oh goody

Janie and I got to the location in good time, mostly because I deliberately over-estimated the journey duration for Janie’s benefit.

I showed Janie 20 old Bailey, where Michael and I worked prior to Z/Yen, plus the front of The Old Bailey. Somewhat ominously, 20 old Bailey is now home to Barings Bank & Metro Bank, among others.

While Janie and I were sightseeing outside the building, Linda Cook was busy adding a celebratory touch by putting out bunting based on a very early Z/Yen photo of me, Michael, Steve Taylor and Kate Carty (latterly Kate Taylor) – see headline picture and detail picture below.

I’m a little concerned on Linda’s behalf that the bunting (as seen in the headline picture) seems to be overhanging the portrait of Her Maj a little. There might well be a by-law in The Old Bailey that such disrespect to the monarch constitutes high treason and all that such a crime entrails…I mean, entails.

Joking apart, Michael gave those of us who chose to arrive early a fascinating, but at times somewhat grizzly, history talk about and tour around The Old Bailey.

Aldermansplaining The Old Bailey

Photos are not permitted on the tour. We sat in Court One for much of the talk. Elisabeth sat in the dock, while Janie and I sat in the jury seats. We found Elisabeth guilty on the grounds of looking a bit nervous in the dock…but then who wouldn’t with me and Janie beaming at them from the jury seats?

We also saw Court Six and the very grand main lobby. There is one place on the staircase where photos are permitted. Sean (Michael’s shrieval footman) turns out to be a dab hand at photography and kindly took the following:

By the time we tourists returned to the judges dining room to join the rest of the function, another twenty or so guests had arrived, so the party went into full swing…

…such full swing that Linda and Janie stopped taking photos, so you’ll simply have to imagine the drinks, canapes, bowls of yummy food and revelry.

In the run up to the event, I had been Ogblogging like fury, generating a three-part chronicle of Z/Yen’s conception and birth. Michael and I delivered a brief summary of that chronicle as a double-act on the night – click here for the pdf.

If you want to read the full three-parter, try the links within the pdf or the block links below:

Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe First Part – Sumer Is Icomen In, Spring 1994
Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe Second Part: Mirie It Is While Sumer Ilast, Summer 1994
Þe Chronique Of Primordyall Z/Yen: Þe Third Part: Windes Blast & Weder, Autumn 1994

I also sang the very first Z/Yen song, with the help of the assembled staff and alums who acted as the choir. Click here for a pdf of the lyric.

After that brief interlude, we all returned to eating, drinking and making merry.

It was a really enjoyable event, not least because it was such a well-organised event at such an interesting venue, but more particularly because it was so lovely to see so many Z/Yen folk past and present, all assembled and enjoying spending time together. Moved, I was.

Bound To Appear At The Old Bailey, 30 September 2019

Following Michael Mainelli’s admission as Aldermanic Sheriff of the City of London the previous Friday…

A Shrieval Day, Michael Mainelli’s Admission And Breakfast As Aldermanic Sheriff Of The City Of London, 27 September 2019

…I was bound to appear at the Old Bailey sooner or later. But it wasn’t until a few days before Michael’s admission that I was asked to join Michael and the judges for lunch on his first day as Sheriff, which I thought a very nice request and one that would be hard to turn down, despite the day not being overly convenient for the purpose.

The done thing is to stay on after lunch and watch the afternoon sitting of a case unfold for an hour or so; something that would interest me a great deal, but my itinerary for that day would not allow that post lunch hour. The kind administrators at The Old Bailey have arranged for me to return on another day, a few weeks hence, to observe a post-lunch sitting.

Anyway, I got to The Old Bailey in good time, which was just as well because security gave me a fairly thorough going-over. Try as we might, we couldn’t seem to find everything about my person that was making their gadgets go bleep.

I had visions of being taken down the cells and that the “phone-battery-gate” incident, as it would doubtless become known, which led to my (Michael’s business partner’s) arrest on his first day as Sheriff, becoming a legendary smear on Michael’s Aldermanic career.

But no, security eventually gave up on me, accepting that my cuff-links might be causing the relatively mild residuary bleeps. I was allowed in.

It was a relatively light day for The Old Bailey, with a minority of the courts sitting. The cases are a matter of public announcement and record – here and below is a link to the listing for the day of that visit.

What’s on at the Old Bailey, September 30

I was one of five guests that day and five judges dined. Before lunch, we guests were hosted by Michael and Elisabeth in their Old Bailey apartment for drinks. This was an opportunity for Michael to explain the workings of the Old Bailey to us and explain the protocols for the rest of our visit.

As it was his first one, Michael has also written it up, although he has gone for an extremely quirky angle on the matter – click here or below:

Piper The Puffin

I should perhaps explain that Michael has opted for a puffin as the animal atop his crest. Michael’s puffin is playing the bagpipes…obviously. You can read more about Michaels’ chain and crest by clicking here. The punchline, for those who choose not to click, is the motto: ordo ex χάος. Order out of chaos. Welcome to my world.

Then we guests were led into a reception room where we met most of the judges who were joining us for lunch. The traditional pre-lunch drink is a very flavoursome tomato juice.

There I learnt that coroners know how to have a good time when they gather for a convention, at least in the matter of witty after dinner speakers, such as John Spence.

Then the lunch itself, which was a light but very tasty vegetarian Indian meal.

There I learnt that judges don’t always pre-read the mini cvs that each guest is required to submit ahead of the lunch…but that judges can catch up pretty quickly on the content of five single paragraph cvs – who’d ‘ave thought it? The judges were excellent company. We discussed theatre, music and the Price Of Fish as well as their interesting cases.

There I also learnt that the knife crime epidemic is certainly manifesting itself in The Old Bailey schedule and that even genteel parts of London, such as my walking route twixt Notting Hill Gate and Lord’s, is not immune from such events. A slightly chilling thought ahead of my making that very walk later that very day.

But before braving the edgy, mean streets of Notting Hill Gate and St John’s Wood, I needed to say goodbye to the judges and my fellow guests, all of whom were sticking around in The Old Bailey.

After I descended the staircase to find myself back in the hands of the security team, I was much relieved to be shown the door rather than the next flight of stairs downwards for involuntary retention.

A very interesting lunch and I look forward very much to my return to see part of a case unfold.