A government ban on the sale of beef-on-the-bone, in late 1997, was very unpopular. The worry was “Mad Cow Disease” or variant Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease in humans, although the connection and risks seemed very low to many of us.
In truth, it was written more as a personal rant and internal Z/Yen team joke for Christmas that year than anything that I thought might really generate press, but strangely the Daily Telegraph picked up on it, called me for a chat about it and then published this piece – extracted onto the then nascent Z/Yen web site here...
On the Tuesday, Janie and I went to Viv’s place in Golders Green for the evening. I think it was a sort-of seasonal party, mostly of the foodie variety.
Thursday 19 December – Z/Yen Christmas Bash At Le Muscadet
Thursday evening was the Z/Yen Christmas do – a relatively small scale affair that year, at Le Muscadet in Paddington Street, a restaurant now long gone. I recall Michael and I had used that place a few times for “corporate entertaining” in those early days of Z/Yen, so we thought it would be a sensible venue for our small but sweet team to gather.
I’m pretty sure that the group comprised Kevin & Kate Parker, Teresa Bestard Perello, Mike & Marianna Smith, Michael & Elisabeth, Me and Janie. Perhaps one or two other associates. 10 or 12 of us at the most.
It was a very good meal – it always was at le Muscadet. I recall one earlier occasion when Michael and I took some visiting Australian former colleagues/prospective clients there and they waxed lyrical about the place.
Not sure what, if anything, we did in terms of a seasonal song that 1996 Christmas – I cannot find anything in my dated files for it. It might have been one of Michael’s efforts, but I have a feeling we didn’t do one that year as we were simply a table in an open restaurant and didn’t have the guts to sing in that circumstance. I think we resolved to try and book a private area in future, when possible.
Saturday 21 December, Kim & Micky’s Place
An early in the season visit to Kim & Micky’s that year – I’m guessing they went away for Christmas itself. There will have been excellent food and wine. Probably quite a few people – perhaps even as many as the Z/Yen team do.
I recall that Janie, Steve Taylor and I performed the piece. Janie got some outlandish wigs for us to wear. Try not to think about it too much. Fortunately for the world, no-one took photographs that evening.
WHEN WILL I SEE YOU AT Z/YEN?
(To the Tune of “When Will I See You Again?”)
PROPS REQUIRED/DESIRED: Wigs (sorted), mobile phones, pieces of paper (minutes, memos), left overs on plates
When will I see you at Z/Yen?
When will we share precious minutes?
Will we have debate for ever?
Will we still be macho (macho) and work the whole night through?
VERSE 2
When will I see you at Z/Yen?
When will our team eat together?
Are we at work or just friends?
Is this supper chicken or is it scrag end? (is this scrag end?)
MIDDLE EIGHT
When will I see you at Z/Yen? When will I see you at Z/Yen? When will I see you at Z/Yen?
Haaaaaaa, oooooohhh,
Precious motors.
VERSE THREE
When will I hear you at Z/Yen?
When will we share precious mobiles?
Are we in touch or alone?
CAN YOU ****-**** HEAR ME?? Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh PHONE???
When will I chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
(When will you stop asking so many ****-**** questions?)
When will I beeeeeeeeeep?
[ENDS]
Here are the Three Degrees singing When Will I See You Again:
We were pretty sure the funding was secured and wanted to keep the funders, not least Eli, sweet.
Word was, Eli’s favourite dish was Lobster Thermidor. Janie, bless her, decided to invite Eli and his family and Michael and Elisabeth over for a Lobster Thermidor fest.
After all, how difficult can it possibly be to prepare Lobster Thermidor from first principles?
Reader, I am here to tell you that it is a heck of a lot of work to prepare Lobster Thermidor from first principles and it is really, really difficult to prepare Lobster Thermidor for seven people in a small domestic kitchen.
To add to the difficulties, I also prepared, for the same meal, my famous wonton soup from first principles in that small kitchen.
And to had to the hard work of it all, it transpired that Eli was one of those people who constantly needs to be entertained…like…constantly. Games, stories, food, drink…no quiet periods just savouring the moment.
Twas the season of goodwill, a week before Christmas 1994, so we shall not report here Janie’s retrospective views on the subsequent debacle over Z/Yen’s start-up financing arrangements. Suffice it to say that Z/Yen survived it and thrived despite it. So we should, in a way, remain grateful to Z/Yen’s initial finance guarantors.
Traditions have to start somewhere; this was the first Z/Yen Seasonal party lyric.
I’d forgotten about this one until I found it in my electronic lyric archive, dated 9 December 1994. Reading the lyric brought it all back to me. I previously thought the lyric for the second seasonal party was the first lyric, probably because that is the earliest one that found its way to the Z/Yen web site. We’ll put that right soon enough.
We sang the following at the first ever seasonal gathering of Z/Yen, on 16 December 1994. We were at the Paris House, Woburn, same venue as the following year. A plaintiff little song; I rather like it. Very different in style and tone to later Z/Yen seasonal songs.
We had a meeting and a Shareholders’ Agreement signing ceremony before dinner, although Michael couldn’t subscribe to Z/Yen until a couple of months later. I think he might be going through the Christmas card list in the photo above.
Z/YEN
(To the Tune of “Ben”)
VERSE 1
Z/Yen, the group of us need look no more,
We have founded what we’re looking for;
Tense, and some might say up tight,
We’re working half the night,
Because, my friends, you see,
We’ve got our Main-ell-i
(You’ve got your Mainelli).
From February……… allegedly…..
VERSE 2
Z/Yen, we’re always running here and there,
(Here and there),
That’s why we’ve all lost half of our hair,
(Half of your hair);
Then a project falls behind,
And we’re all hard to find,
But somehow, as you know,
We always make a go.
(The weekend tends to go).
MIDDLE EIGHT
We used to say, “we are bored”,
Now it’s “risk and reward”;
You used to seek dark and rest
Now it’s light, now it’s zest.
VERSE 3
Z/Yen, although we are still very small,
(Very small),
We can puff it up if we talk big,
(if you talk balls);
When, you learn the things we do,
You’ll all want to join too,
So, if we’d start again,
We’d still form a firm like Z/Yen.
Here is Michael Jackson singing Ben, with the lyrics on the screen:
… there were times when I thought the business wouldn’t be ready to start trading on 1 October 1994. But of course we were able to open our sole door, to our sole room in Garrard House, 31-45 Gresham Street, on that prescribed day. No death in a ditch for me.
Click and look at the images for that address and you will see a grand City building, opposite Wax Chandler’s Hall, which at the time of writing has been home to Schroders plc for decades.
In the autumn of 1994, though, it was an old 1930’s building, in a state of some distress, which was about to be emptied for the purposes of a massive makeover for Schroders.
There were just five of us on the payroll that first autumn; Kate Carty, me, Stuart Otter, Steve Taylor and John Thompson. Michael Mainelli was with us, in spirit and informally, but technically Michael was unable to join the firm until February 1995.
Kate Carty got something akin to cabin fever in those early months, as so few of us went nigh nor by the place. Yet somehow Kate and Steve got it together during that early period of Z/Yen’s life, such that our tiny business of just six people; the other four of whom were attached, managed to yield an office romance and then marriage which, like Z/Yen, has endured to this day (as I write 25 years later).
One abiding memory from that room is the day in early December when we needed to splurge on getting our first year’s Christmas cards out. We thought this to be a very important marketing campaign…
…in truth the Christmas cards was our only marketing campaign for the first year or so of our existence.
A rare occasion when several of us were in the room at the same time; me, Kate and John Thompson.
In the early days of a business, everyone needs to muck in for all tasks, including stuffing envelopes and labelling up Christmas cards…
…but John Thompson seemed a little reluctant for such menial tasks.
I said:
I must be the highest paid envelope-stuffer in the City right now.
John, a competitive fellow who was being paid considerably more than me at that time, immediately jumped up and exclaimed,
No, I am the highest paid envelope-stuffer in the City.
Seeing these documents made me laugh. In the first few weeks of establishing The Z/Yen Group, while we waited for incorporation documents to come through, we traded as me personally, then assigned the business to the corporation.
Rather unexpectedly, we sold so much business during those few weeks, I had to register for VAT in my own name for six months.
I wanted to make sure everything was above board, so I put absolutely all income through as VATable business, including my NewsRevue income.
I don’t suppose Harriet Quirk saw much in the way of writers’ VAT invoices, not that she really needed to do anything with them because it seems I sent them retrospectively on receipt of the dosh and just wore the VAT charge myself.
What a trooper.
Spot the royalty values going down in those early weeks/months of the new business – I guess I was concentrating on matters other than comedy too much.
INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 12 October 1994
News Revue Tax point: 1 October 1994
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2
INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02005
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Edinburgh run) during August 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 45.96
VAT @ 17.5% 8.04
————-
TOTAL £54.00
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.
INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 24 October 1994
News Revue Tax point: 24 October 1994
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2
INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02006
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Alex’s run) during early Autumn 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 32.34
VAT @ 17.5% 5.66
————-
TOTAL £38.00
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.
INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 21 November 1994
News Revue Tax point: 21 November 1994
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2
INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02007
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Kerry’s run) during Autumn 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 43.58
VAT @ 17.5% 7.62
————-
TOTAL £51.20
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.
INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 9 January 1995
News Revue Tax point: 9 January 1995
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2
INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02009
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Robert’s run) end 1994.
£
ROYALTIES 15.49
VAT @ 17.5% 2.71
————-
TOTAL £18.20
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.
There was one more VAT invoice for NewsRevue in quarter one of 1995, before I deregistered from the VAT regime and never had to invoice NewsRevue again:
INVOICE – FILE COPY
VAT REG NO GB 646 1995 04
FAO Harriet Quirk Date: 14 March 1995
News Revue Tax point: 14 March 1995
Canal Cafe Theatre
Delamere Terrace
London
W2
INVOICE TO: News Revue
ACCOUNT REF: NR01
INVOICE NO: 02011
In respect of songs and sundry patter for the News Revue show (known as Christmas run) end 1994 and early 1995.
£
ROYALTIES 9.60
VAT @ 17.5% 1.68
————-
TOTAL £11.28
========
This amount has been received, with thanks.
I left BDO at the beginning of August with a view to most of
the others joining at the start of October 1994. Michael was not permitted to
join until early 1995. So for seven or eight weeks, I was technically on my own,
setting up Z/Yen.
In Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, there is a story about Golgafrinchans, a race of humanoid beings on another planet, who were the true ancestors of humanity. The Golgafrinchans divided their society into three distinct groups; thinkers, doers and middle-folk, the latter group of which were deemed useless and so were launched off into space, purportedly to be the advance party for a relocation of the entire society, but in reality to enable the thinkers and doers to stay put and thrive on their own planet.
Now I like to think of myself as part thinker, part doer,
but there were times during that late summer when I wondered whether I has been
launched as a Golgafrinchan-style advance party.
Not that I was entirely on my own. My diary shows an evening session with Michael on 9 August, which resulted in a massive “to do” list for establishing Z/Yen, “Z/Yen Notes”, available for inspection here.
In addition to the tasks on that list, I wrote an initial business plan, also available for inspection here. I also finished off several client assignments on an associate basis after leaving the old firm. My diary for those weeks looks ridiculous – it was a ludicrously busy time.
It was hard to get businesses started in those days. It was
impossible to find premises without 12 months or more trading record, but how
were we supposed to get a trading record without space. Thank you, Nick
Pickering of Rochester Partnership for helping us with space for that early
part of Z/Yen’s life.
It was a similar “Catch 22” with start-up business finance in those days. Michael, Elisabeth, Janie and I took Z/Yen’s initial business plan to the South of France late August – we had to pitch it to our prospective external investors at Eli Wallitt’s villa in Saint-Cézaire-sur-Siagne, near Grasse.
We all stayed in Nice at the Hotel Windsor. My financial records show that we ate one night at Le Farniente, which is still there 25 years later. We also ate at a place named Au Bistroquet which is harder to track down now.
I especially recall the convoy drive up to Saint-Cézaire; Michael and Janie had very different ideas on driving speeds on unfamiliar mountain roads in little hired cars from Avis; I expect it looked like a latter-day version of the car chase scenes in Monte Carlo or Bust!
That initial financing arrangement did not end at all well, but that debacle came later – part of Z/Yen’s Book of Exodus – whereas this promordyall chronique is Z/Yen’s book of Genesis.
I did still find time for writing some silly stuff. There was a leaving do for several people on 30 August at Corney and Barrow. In fact, I think, technically, that was my leaving do as well. I’d had an informal, smaller gathering of friends at the same venue on 12 August at my own expense, but I think the 30 August thing was laid on by the firm. I produced a handout for the evening, which I think went down well.
I do also recall around that time some farcical conversations with the Companies House people, who struggled to register our little group of companies because different departments, that didn’t speak with each other, dealt with holding companies and subsidiary companies. The holding companies got bounced because they didn’t have subsidiaries, while the subsidiaries got registered to (at the time) non-existent holding companies. Technically speaking, this might mean that Z/Yen has never has existed at all; an intriguing thought.
At several
points, I thought the business wouldn’t be ready to start trading on 1 October
1994, but of course we were able to open our doors (or I should say one door, for
one room in Gresham Street) that day.
When I left Binders and started Z/Yen, I traded as a sole trader for a couple of months while forming the group of companies and getting the corporate business ready to trade.
I was very careful to make sure that all of my self-employed income was properly invoiced and recorded at that time. Following consultattion with the tax authorities on the phone, we agreed that, for that short period of time, I couldn’t/shouldn’t try to separate my writer/media self from my business start-up self, so for a short while I invoiced my writing activities through Z/Yen and even (for some of the weeks) paid over VAT on the royalties.
This was the second of the invoices, raised on the same day as the first. The electronic version of the first seems to have become corrupted, but I shall probably be able to dig out a physical version of it and scan it up to Ogblog in the fullness of time.
I will have raised the invoice only after receiving the dosh, so Harriet will not have had to do anything with the invoice – I suspect she studied it for at least 5 seconds before deep filing it in the wastepaper basket. Harriet?
My earliest diary note of the events that actually led to Z/Yen are in the week of 28 March 1994, which has a 9:30 call with Michael Mainelli that day and the evening of 30 March booked out “MRM” (that’s Michael) for a Park Inn Chinese meal, at my place, organised at short notice.
My memory records a couple of “two bottles of wine” evenings with Michael, but actually I don’t think 30 March was one of those. I think the first “two bottles” evening was a couple of weeks later, after a consultancy team meeting at which it became clear that the so-called “merger” was going ahead and that the consultancy was going with it.
I’m pretty sure that we ate and drank in a place along Craven Road, near to Michael’s place. Spanish, I think, but possibly Italian – I think now Il Gusto.
The date of the “two bottles of Rioja” evening during which the name Z/Yen emerged is lost in the mists of time, but I am guessing late spring and I specifically recall the name emerging towards the end of another Park Inn Chinese meal at my flat. By that time we had colleagues Stuart Otter, Steve Taylor and Kate Carty lined up to join the new venture, together with the elusive John Thompson, who had been a client of Michael’s. No-one was entirely comfortable with the name Z/Yen, but when we challenged everyone (including ourselves) to suggest something better, answer there came none.