I remember that this one was used and I remember that it amused several of the regular NewsRevue writers (as well as, hopefully, the audience). It’s an “aftermath of volcano eruption” story, basically.
MONSERRAT (To the Tune of “Monster Mash”)
VERSE 1
I was walking down the street in a Leeward Isle, When I saw a huge eruption in New Labour’s style; Something hot was smouldering in southern ports, Robin Cook was rowing with his muse, Claire Short.
CHORUS 1
She is a bat, (Down in Monserrat); In Monserrat, (It’s a New Labour spat), In Monserrat, (Down in Monserrat) In Monserrat (It was in Monserrat)
VERSE 2
Ancient rocks descended on the Albert Hall, Elton, Sting, Phil Collins, Ringo, George and Paul; Many paid a hundred, others paid yet more, Tho’ no-one left on Monserrat is faintly poor.
CHORUS 2
They passed the hat, (Round for Monserrat); For Monserrat, (Now that the ground’s less flat); Volcano’s shat, (All over Monserrat), It’s Monserrat, (Oh Fuck Monserrat!!)
Below is a video of Bobby “Boris” Pickett singing The Monster Mash:
Mark Brailsford
News Revue
23 September 1997
By Fax
Dear Mark
Welcome back!! Sorry it has taken me so long to submit, but inspiration comes when it comes. I sent you my archive last time, which was not so long ago; I therefore attach only my latest songs.
If you want any older ones rewritten let me know. Also, if you need recordings of any of these, please call and leave a message today – I could drop them crack of dawn tomorrow if you need them.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Ian
The following songs are attached
Song Title
Original Title/
Artist Approx.. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
bruce grobbelar’s hat young, gifted and black / bob & marcia N
monserrat monster mash / bruce “boris” pickett N
Let’s be honest about this – corruption in football and/or complex legal cases involving footballers is not really my sort of story. I didn’t even know how to spell Bruce Grobbelaar‘s name, nor which team(s) he played for, until I looked it all up just now (May 2019).
No, I must have been persuaded to write this lyric during a NewsRevue writers meeting, by concocting the opening line there and then.
What little evidence I have suggests that this lyric was never used. The specific cases against Bruce Grobbelaar remain somewhat moot, apparently, while the general public opinion charge of dishonesty stuck.
BRUCE GROBBELAR’S HAT (To the Tune of “Young, Gifted and Black”)
VERSE 1
Bruce Grobbelar’s hat, Oh what a con pulled off by him; Inside Bruce Grobbelar’s hat, It’s filled with dung up to the rim; If you’re digging real low, There is one bet you should know; Under Bruce Grobbelar’s hat, Is a fat cat.
VERSE 2
Bruce Grobbelar’s hat, That’s what they mean by a hat trick; Talking Bruce Grobbelar’s hat, It has more beaver than his chick; When it’s hiding his bung, There’s a stink like cows’ dung; But in Bruce Grobbelar’s hat, You’ve such a pratt’.
Below is Young Gifted And Black, performed by Bob & Marcia, with lyrics on the screen:
The National production in 1997 was more “classic” Christopher Hampton adaptation with an exceptional cast including Sir Ian, Penny Downie, Stephen Moore, Lucy Whybrow and many others, directed by Trevor Nunn. The Theatricalia entry lists them all.
Nicholas de Jongh seemed quite taken with it…just “quite”:
Charles Spencer, like the others, made much of the fact that this was Trevor Nunn’s inaugural piece for the RNT. While not damning it, he does use the word “flash”:
Princess Diana’s untimely death was not good news for topical satire. My classic lyric, She Ain’t Heavy She’s Bulimic, which had run in the show for much of the preceding four years, died along with Di and Dodi.
It was nigh on impossible to write anything that even touched on the topic which could get into the show…the following lyric being no exception. I felt at the time that Elton John’s Diana version of Candle in the Wind was a bit of a cash in on the tragedy, but it was not an idea ripe for the show at that time. Reads interesting now, 20+ years later.
VULTURE IN THE WIND (To the Tune of “Candle in the Wind”)
VERSE 1
Goodbye Elton John, Tho’ you ought to be long gone, Or even near forgotten, like Kajagoogoo or The Darts; You crawled out of the woodwork, You made your comeback just at the time, That your career was flagging, Like a eunuch’s poor spare part.
CHORUS 1
But it seems to me, you live your life, Like a vulture in the wind; Writing clichés at the death scene, With Bernie Taupin; Can’t escape your tinkled ivories across England’s verdant hills, You sound like Richard Clayderman, Or even Mrs Mills.
(Piano flourish and BLACKOUT)
Below is a video of Elton John singing Candle In The Wind with the lyrics on the screen.
That was my sole comment on the quality of this one in the log – I don’t think we were overly impressed despite the excellent cast. Niamh Cusack, Kerry Fox & Josette Simon, directed by John Crowley, initially at the Donmar Warehouse and then touring – we saw it at Richmond.
Another trip to the Proms with The Duchess (Janie’s mum) to see the European Community Youth Orchestra. The Duchess had a bit of a thing about youth orchestras.
This concert, under the baton of Bernard Haitink, was surely interesting if for no other reason than that. A great opportunity to see the great man.
We heard:
Ludwig van Beethoven – Piano Concerto No. 4 in G major
Anton Bruckner – Symphony No 7 in E major
Emanual Ax tinkled the ivories in the first piece of the night.
I don’t think this was the best rendition of Bruckner 7 I have ever seen…nor even the best rendition by Haitink, as we returned three years later to see the great man perform the same piece again, with the Berlin Philharmonic that time…but I think the following panning by Rick Jones in the Standard is a bit unfair.
I’ve never been sure about Shaw, but we thought we’d give this a try because it was The Almeida and because top flight Shaw productions were few and far between at that time.
Great cast and crew – see Theatricalia entry – including Emma Fielding, Richard Griffiths, Patricia Hodge, Penelope Wilton, Malcolm Sinclair and Peter McEnery, with David Hare in the director’s chair.
Despite all those good people, this one added to my/our sense of interminability, which had already been piqued by Suzanna Andler the previous week, which was soon followed by wall-to-wall coverage of Princess Diana’s tragic demise, which took ceaselessness to new levels.
Anyway, my contemporaneous words on Heartbreak House, speaking for both me and Janie:
Seemed interminable in the second half. Had “moments”, but all too few.
I remember this day very clearly, although I am sure there are many details the others can add. It would be super if John and Jenny were to chime in with their recollections.
Janie and I had planned to take public transport to the north side of the embankment on the Isle of Dogs and walk the Greenwich Foot Tunnel – I think it had recently reopened after refurbishment back then.
But while we were preparing to go out, the phone rang. It was my mum. My mum never used to ring on a Sunday morning – she would almost always wait for me to ring her.
Mum sounded distressed.
“It’s so awful, a tragedy,” mum said, through tears of anguish.
I thought something must have happened to my dad or some other close relative/friend.
“What’s happened, Mum?”, I asked. “Try to gather yourself and speak slowly.”
“What do you mean, ‘what’s happened’? You must know what’s happened. I know you don’t care much for the royal family…”
“…Mum, we’re going out shortly, we haven’t seen the papers or switched on the TV or radio this morning; just tell me what’s happened.”
We set off for Greenwich much later than we’d intended – so the idea of using public transport and a stroll through the Greenwich Foot Tunnel went out of the window.
Plan B was to revert to the Janie norm – we got into the car and drove to Greenwich. By the time we found somewhere to park (we hadn’t thought about that bit)…eventually finding a place near the market but some way from the Trafalgar…then walked from the parking place to the Trafalgar…we were quite late.
John and Jenny were neither fazed nor surprised that we were a bit late in the circumstances.
I remember John and I bemoaning the fact that a rich seam of our topical comedy for NewsRevue had died in that car crash along with the victims of the tragedy. We also had one of those, “when, if ever, will we be able to make Princess Diana jokes again?” conversations.
We had a very good lunch and talked about much else besides the day’s news.
I recall the four of us having a bit of a stroll after lunch.
After we parted company with John and Jenny, Janie and I wandered around Greenwich market for a while, as the car was parked near there and we were in no rush to get home.
I remember buying a dozen or so CDs that afternoon, more or less doubling the size of my CD collection. I had only bought a CD player for the first time a year or so earlier. Being a reel-to-reel and records dude, I was wicked-late to CDs. I bought mostly sixties compilations that day, plus a few iconic albums; Pet Sounds (Beach Boys), Gift From A Flower To A Garden (Donovan) and The Harder They Come (Jimmy Cliff and others) to name but three.
No pictures from the day that Princess Diana died, but here is one from the 1977 set. I couldn’t possibly have imagined what I’d be up to 20 years later, let alone 40 years later, when the following picture was taken.
Time Traveller. Me at the Greenwich meridian line 31 August 1977
I think The Duchess must have chosen this one. I don’t remember her being partial to a bit of Brahms, but she must have been. I am quite partial to Brahms too.
In truth I don’t remember this particular concert well. I was familiar with the Dvorak and Brahms pieces but not the Lutoslawski one. I’m not sure I am much the wiser having heard it.
