Author: Ian Louis Harris

The Netanyahu Chorus, Newsrevue Lyric, 2 June 1996

DonkeyHotey [CC BY 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)]

Actually there were several versions of this lyric in the aftermath of the 1996 Israeli election and Benjamin Netanyahu‘s subsequent antics. This lyric did really well in NewsRevue and several directors asked for updates. Below is the first version – more or less straight after the 1996 election.

THE NETANYAHU CHORUS
(To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel)

[The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.]

THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH)

Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu;
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu;
Not the Israeli boss we expected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Old Shimon Peres has been rejected; (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Ariol Sharon is resurected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And Yasser Arafat is dejected. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)

THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH)

The leader of Likud, he is no bloody good;
The leader of Likud will want to fight and show his might.

FOUR YEARS SHALL SEEM (formerly For He Shall Reign)

Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never;
Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never.

BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS)

Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
He’s dead thick, (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And such a prick; (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And smart he’s not – Peres must wish Bibi had been shot.

CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite)

But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu,
Although one thing occurs to us mark you;
Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu;
Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s dead thick and such a prick;
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu,
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you,
We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu;
WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!!

A very minor edit in october 1996, changed the second line of “The Leader of Likud” to:

he chose to fight and show his might…

…and the last line of “Big Fat Git” to…

And smart he’s not – Peres must wish Bibi had been shot.

Also a 1 March 1997 remix, which also seems very minor, changing just the title and a few lines, bringing corruption into the mix:

NETANYAHU CHORUS – YES HE REALLY IS A BASTARD REMIX
(To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel)

[The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.]

THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH)

Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu;
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu;
Not the Israeli boss we expected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Old Shimon Peres has been rejected; (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Ariol Sharon is resurected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And Yasser Arafat is dejected. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)

THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH)

The leader of Likud, he is no bloody good;
The leader of Likud he likes to fight and show his might.

FOUR YEARS SHALL SEEM (formerly For He Shall Reign)

Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never;
Four years now seem like ever and ever, and peace is put on the never never.

BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS)

Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
He’s a prick (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Corrupt and thick (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And smart he’s not – Israelis wish that Bibi had been shot.

CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite)

But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu,
Although one thing occurs to us mark you;
Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu;
Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s a prick, corrupt and thick;
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu,
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you,
We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu;
WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!!

Finally, the following version from May 1999 when I thought, wrongly, that he was gone for good. Sadly he was merely gone temporarily:

NETANYAHU CHORUS – GOODBYE REMIX
(To the Tune of “The Hallelujah Chorus” by Handel)
[The tune and harmonies of the original are quite complex; harmonies etc. probably need scaling down for piano and four voices. Nevertheless I think you can have a lot of fun with this if you want to.]
THE NETANYAHU (formerly THE HALLELUJAH)
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu;
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu Netanyahu, Netan-yahu;
Bibi and Likud have been rejected, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Since Ehud Barak has been elected (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Israel is partying, they’re all plastered (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
So we shall sing goodbye to that bastard. (Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
THE LEADER OF LIKUD (formerly THE LEADER OF THE EARTH)
The leader of Likud, he was no bloody good;
The leader of Likud he chose to fight and show his might.
THREE YEARS HAVE SEEMED (formerly For He Shall Reign)
Three years have seemed like ever and ever, and peace was put on the never and never;
Three years have seemed like ever and ever, and peace was put on the never and never.
BIG FAT GIT (formerly KING OF KINGS)
Big fat git, (big eater, big eater, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And full of shit; (bullshitter, bullshitter, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
He’s dead thick, (so oafish, so oafish, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And such a prick; (a penis, a penis, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
Big fat git, (so podgy, so podgy, Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And smart he’s not – Israelis wish that Bibi had been shot.
CONCLUSION (formerly moderately polite)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu,
Although one thing occurs to us mark you;
Big fat git, (Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
And full of shit: (Netanyahu, Netanyahu)
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu;
Big fat git, and full of shit, he’s dead thick and such a prick;
But not much rhymes with Ben Netanyahu,
Netanyahu, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, we say fuck you,
We say fuck you, Netanyahu, we say fuck you, Netanyahu;
WE SAY – FUCK YOU!!!! (goodbye).

Below is the Hallelujah Chorus by George Frederick Handel with lyrics on the screen:

Supergazza, NewsRevue Quickie, 31 May 1996

This is a quickie about troubled footballer Paul Gascoigne, aka Gazza.

SUPERGAZZA
(A quickie)

FA officials are mooching around looking worried.

OFFICIAL 1: There must be something we can do to revive the England football team’s fortunes for Euro ’96.

OFFICIAL 2: Surely someone or something will save us.

OFFICIAL 3: Wait. (points offstage) Look over there. Is it a bird? Is it a plane.

(Enter Gazza)

GAZZA: They’re all the same to me like. Birds. Planes. I just smash ’em up whatever.

(starts crying)

I didn’t mean to do it. And anyway, it wasn’t me it was the others who did it.

BLACKOUT

Potter’s Last, NewsRevue Lyric, 29 May 1996

In truth I was (and still am) partial to Dennis Potter’s work, but I think I found his late (posthumously published) pieces focused more on those aspects of his work that pleased me the least. That might explain the near reverence if my Painting An Angel’s Nipples piece when he died…

Painting The Angels’ Nipples, NewsRevue Lyric, 13 June 1994

…compared with the less reverent tone of this piece, some two years later.

POTTER’S LAST
(To the Tune of “Why Must I Be a Teenager In Love”)

 

A “bimbo” looking girl should mime the lead vocals on stage while the other girl sings through the microphone offstage. The fellas can do the oooo-waaaaa-oooo’s, which you shall have to supply yourselves.

VERSE 1

Each time I read a Potter,
It almost breaks me heart;
Cos I am so afraid,
I’ll get the bimbo part;
Each night I ask the stars up above,
Why must he write such godawful stuff?

VERSE 2

He shows me doggy fashion,
Through mirrors, on the bed;
Hope I don’t have to bonk,
With Finney’s severed head;
Each night I ask the stars in the cast,
Why must I mime these naff songs from the past?

 

MIDDLE EIGHT

Four hundred years,
In the future, who knows;
Churn out scripts in sixty days,
But bleedin’ ‘ell it shows.

VERSE 3

So if you want to make me cry,
That won’t be so hard to do;
Slash me face and black me eyes,
Or paint lipstick round me pubes;
Each night I tell the stars in the cast,
Thank God this script will be Den Potter’s last,
Thank God this script will be Den……
Potter’s last!!

Below is a video of Dion & The Belmonts singing Why Must I Be A Teenager In Love with the lyrics on the screen:

Euro 96, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 May 1996

Others were better at sports stories than me, usually, but I think this quickie was used for a while. I wrote a companion piece to go with it, about Eurosceptics – click here.

EURO 96 – QUICKIE
(To the Tune of “Ode To Joy”)
CHORUS

Friends down Wembley at the football,
Tossed out of the stadium;
We’d been drinkin’ such a skinful,
We threw up our Heineken.
Used our seasons went back to Neasden,
Mooned with our bums and showed our dicks,
(Went) down the pub with Sky that evening,
We watched Euro ’96.

Started heavin’ then for no reason,
We threw some chairs and then some bricks;
(And) now we’re down the cells in Willesden,
This is Euro ’96.

Here is the sound of Ode To Joy – a little bit of Ludwig Van:

 

James Goldsmith, Lyric Fragment, 26 May 1996

At some point I’ll trawl through my old jotters and find all sorts of fragments in illegible scrawl.

This fragment found its way onto the PC, so I’m dealing with it now.

Clearly I wasn’t convinced then that it could go anywhere and I’m certainly not convinced now.

Coal Digger (1992) was a far better candidate for the Goldfinger song and one of those is surely enough?

JAMES GOLDSMITH
(To the Tune of “Goldfinger”)

VERSE 1

James Goldsmith (blah blah blah)
He’s the man, the man with a minor putsch,
Jemima’s pop’s,
Such
A strange Goldsmith (blah blah blah)

Submission To Robert Miles Re NewsRevue, 26 May 1996

Robert Miles
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JUNE-JULY 1996 RUN

Dear Rob

Great to have you back again. Strangely, I learnt that you would be doing this run by bumping into Kerry Michael in a bar in Manchester; I was visiting an old Uni friend of mine who turned out to know the crowd Kerry was with etc. etc. – small world.

This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show, one or two previously unperformed ones and new ones which I have written this weekend. Sorry I couldn’t get the gear to you any sooner. I’ll try to write some more over the next couple of days (it’s a long weekend!!).

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If you want me to rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. Also, if any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title
Original Title/
Artist on Tape Approx.. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
euro ’96 quickie ode to joy (4th movement Beethoven’s 9th) N
gay pride downtown / petula clark N
sex pistols revival song anarchy in the UK / sex pistols N
labour strikes – 1996 remix edelweiss / sound of music N
russian shock / 1996 remix casatchok / trad? N
hooray for bollywood hooray for hollywood / hollywood hotel N
goatee swanee / al jolson 7+
stakeholder dont sit under the apple tree / andrew sisters 4-6
whitewater 1996 oh susannah / trad 4-6
penguin 60s when I’m 64 / beatles 4-6

Gay Pride, NewsRevue Lyric, 25 May 1996

This little lyric will be exactly 21 years old tomorrow, as I wrote (24 May 2017). Is that perhaps a sign?

GAY PRIDE
(To the Tune of “Downtown”)
VERSE 1

When you’re a queen,
And you are feeling unseemly,
You can always go….
Gay Pride.
If you like quiche,
And all those tight-buttocked breeches,
When you’re marching slow……..
Gay Pride.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Listen to the speeches about HIV and herpes,
Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual and Transgender Pride is,
Now what it’s called;
The tights are much brighter there,
You can forget all your troubles, like unwanted hair and go…..

CHORUS 1

Gay Pride,
(Things will get better, oh)
Gay Pride,
(No time for heteros)
Gay Pride,
Queens will be mincing for you.
(Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride)……

Here is Petula Clark singing Downtown:

 

 

Sex Pistols Revival, NewsRevue Lyric, 25 May 1996

I revived my Royalties In The UK lyric…

Royalties In The UK, NewsRevue Lyric, 4 April 1994

…in a slightly different guise 25 May 1996:

SEX PISTOLS REVIVAL SONG
(To the Tune of “Anarchy in the UK”)

 

(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. “has-bin”,”nase” etc.)

INTRO

Right…….now………(well, twenty years ago to be more precise………..)……ha ha ha…..

VERSE 1

I was so anarchic,
Now I am archaic,
I’ve blown all me dosh and me voice has grown posh,
I wanna make cash and play trash;
Cos I wanna be wealthy.

VERSE 2

Anarchy for the UK,
I used to be blonde, now I’m grey,
I’ve done the Marquee now its Wembley,
I’m an “has-bin” with a safety pin;
But I wanna be trendy.

VERSE 3

We’re history from the punk days,
Use a safety pin through your “nase”;
The punters liked Sid its a shame that he’s “did”,
We’ll have him exhumed and well “illumed”;
Cos I wanna be predatory.

OUTRO

Cos I wanna see royalties,
(And I don’t mean the monarchy);
And I wanna be eternally,
(Like that bastard McCartney),
Cos I wanna be wealthy!!

Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:

Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:



Blue Remembered Hills by Dennis Potter, Lyttelton Theatre, 25 May 1996

I’ve long been partial to a bit of Potter, as has Daisy.

I had seen the original TV film of this one and to some extent had my doubts about it, as I have never much enjoyed the conceit of adult actors playing the role of children.

Still, the chance to see a National production of a Potter won the day. Many members of this fine cast went on to bigger and bolder things. Steve Coogan, Nigel Lindsay, Debra Gillett, Geraldine Somerville. Patrick Marber directed it.

The Theatricalia entry for this play/production can be found here.

Michael Coveney in The Observer hated it:

Coveney on HillsCoveney on Hills Sun, May 5, 1996 – 65 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Whereas Michael Billington wrote highly of it, finding it more translatable from screen to stage than most Potter and describing it as “Potter at his best”:

Billington on HillsBillington on Hills Sat, May 4, 1996 – 26 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

We were both ambivalent about it. It was clearly a fine production. It pleased me more than the TV version. But that “adults playing children” thing still didn’t really work for me.

Below is an excerpt from the original 1979 TV film:

Blue Remembered Hills _ Scene 1+2 from rob blake on Vimeo.

Michael & Elisabeth Mainelli’s Wedding – The Day After Partying & A Fraught Return Journey, 19 & 20 May 1996

Connie sampling his Franconian Poitín…I think.

The story of Michael & Elisabeth Mainelli’s multi-day wedding celebrations, culminating in the wedding itself, is told in song, pictures and additional words in the piece linked here and below:

Michael & Elisabeth Mainelli’s Wedding – The Build Up & Wedding Day Itself, 14 to 18 May 1996

But the celebrations continued for a further day, for those who chose to stay on a little longer. There were quite a few of us who did so. Unfortunately, 25 years on, my brain does not retain the full contingent for the Sunday celebrations. I might be confusing some of the people who were around for the early days with those who stayed the distance.

But I think that most of the American contingent – Michael’s family, Emma & Betsy, Tony Dillof & others – I think at least one if not two of the Amandas, Chris Webb, Chris the Bridesmaid, The Sealeys, The Nelsons, The Pooles, Rupert Stubbs & Sophie, at least one Lucas-Clements, Elisabeth’s family naturally enough…

Sunday 19 May 1996 – The Hooch Cellar & The Informal Party

We spent some time in the Reuss family village of Pfersdorf itself on the Sunday.

I especially remember the guided tour taking us to the home of an elder of the village named Connie, who had an informal distillery in his cellar.

Connie’s hooch cellar might have looked a bit like this

Janie showed a great deal of interest in seeing this cellar, so, in the great tradition of Franconian village hospitality, she was shown through the door that led to the cellar steps in an “after you” manner, at which point Connie closed and locked the door, to the mirth of the assembled villagers and visitors.

Janie shouted out a couple of times, but once she realised she’d been duped, went quiet.

The locals informed us that the traditional ending to this practical joke was for the duped person to seek release from the cellar again a few minutes later, once in a state of inebriation, as there is lots of hooch to be had in there and not much else to do.

All eyes and ears were on the door, until Janie tapped someone on the shoulder and asked who they were looking and listening out for in the cellar. A well known escapologist (at least, she is now), Janie had spotted a window in the cellar and worked out how to climb up to the window, out through it (not very high on the ground level side) and walk around the corner to find us.

The assembled villagers and visitors thought this was all very funny.

Janie knows how to get out of a hooch pickle

Despite going light on the hooch, we remember little about the Sunday evening party, other than the fact that we had a great time. The best parties are like that. Others might be able to fill in the considerable gaps in this account.

I had made three mix tapes for the wedding, I believe with this party in mind:

I don’t even remember the extent to which the tapes were used that night, but I think they featured.

A Fraught Journey Home, Originally Aiming To Catch The Wrong Flight, Monday 20 May 1996

Chatting with the remaining guests on the Sunday, it seemed sensible for everyone, on the Monday, to enjoy a leisurely breakfast at the Hotel Ross in Schweinfurt and amble together to the railway station to catch the train that would whisk us with Germanic efficiency to Frankfurt airport in good time for our BA flight in the afternoon.

Then, while Janie and I were grazing at our breakfast, it started to dawn upon me that we hadn’t flown out BA, we had flown out Lufthansa. It also started to dawn on me that we were probably booked on an earlier flight than the others.

I went to check our tickets. To my horror, I realised that we were flying out of Frankfurt more than an hour earlier than everyone else. We certainly wouldn’t catch our flight if we travelled by train with the rest.

Some frantic checking of train times made me realise that I had actually goofed good and proper – we should have caught a train that we had already missed. There was another train between ours and the BA mob’s train, but it would get us to the airport only 20 minutes or so ahead of our flight.

I phoned the airport to warn them that we would be a late arrival for our flight.

The German gentleman I spoke with at the airport explained politely but firmly that we needed to get to the airport sooner than that.

I explained that we had missed our train and that the train we were catching would, in all probability, get us to the airport just 20 minutes before the flight. I asked the gentleman to inform the desk for our flight that we would be arriving late.

No. You must get to the airport earlier than that.

The conversation was over.

Janie and I agreed that we should catch the first available train anyway and hope for the best.

We had to change train, a couple of times I think, on this hair-raising trip.

Everything ran incredibly smoothly and the train arrived at Frankfurt Airport’s railway station exactly 20 minutes before our flight.

We legged it towards our check in desk.

Perhaps my “friend” from the telephone call had informed the desk that some mad Brits were going to attempt a ludicrously late check in. Perhaps Lufthansa check-in desks, in those days, simply switched into hyper-efficient “we’ll try to get you through the system” machines. This is all pre-9-11 of course, so the security was not quite such a big thing.

We heard the announcements for passengers to proceed to the gate for our flight around the time that we started checking in.

Anyway, the Lufthansa folk whisked us through the airport system and we arrived at the gate, dry-mouthed and out of breath just in time to hear a “bing-bong” and an announcement in German.

My poor German was just about good enough to make out that the announcement was a delay to the flight. Then in English, that fact was confirmed.

There’s lucky, said Janie.

Not at all, I said, we made it for the flight on time. Now I’m really irritated that we’re delayed.

In truth, the 40 minutes to calm down and decompress before the flight probably did us some good.

Dancing feet, preparing for a fraught run through Frankfurt Airport

Ever since that near miss, I tend to double check our flight tickets/times a little obsessively. It was a peculiar ending to an unusual, celebratory week.