I think this one did well in the show, but only briefly. The publicity-seeking, octuplet-carrying mother sadly lost all the babies, which rather put a dampener on the story as a source of comedy.
EIGHT BABIES
(To the Tune of “Two Ladies”)
A song for pregnant woman (PW), other woman (OW) and rogue father (RF). Brummy accents would be nice but aren’t compulsory
VERSE 1 – PREGNANT WOMAN AND (ROGUE FATHER)
Biddly-diddly-de, biddly-diddley-de, biddly biddly biddly biddly de;
Diddly-di-de-de (eight babies),
Diddly-di-de-de (eight babies),
Diddly-di-de-de (and I’m the only man here);
Diddly-di-de-de (she crackers),
Diddly-di-de-de (I’m knackered),
Diddly-di-de-de (there’s eight for one).
VERSE 2 – ROGUE FATHER AND (PREGNANT WOMAN)
Diddly-di-de-de (eight papers),
Diddly-di-de-de (eight papers),
Diddly-di-de-de (but only one exclusive);
Diddly-di-de-de (Max Clifford),
Diddly-di-de-de (fat cheques for),
Diddly-di-de-de (News of the World).
MIDDLE EIGHT – ALL
PW: I’m Mandy Allwood,
OW: I’m the one he’ll wed,
RF: I’m taking hormones to serve them both in bed;
ALL: We’ve one thing in common with publicity;
PW: The fee, OW: The fee, RF: The fee.
VERSE 3 – ALL
Diddly-di-de-de (OW: two ladies),
Diddly-di-de-de (PW: two ladies),
Diddly-di-de-de (RF: and I get all the bad press);
Diddly-di-de-de (OW: two timer),
Diddly-di-de-de (PW: eight timer),
Diddly-di-de-de (RF: they’re up the duff).
OUTRO
PW: Are you going to help me to change all those nappies then, Paul.
RF: I thought Max Clifford said he’d do that for me.
OW: He never, he just said he could take all the shit off your hands.
BLACKOUT
Yet, for more than two decades, I spent an inordinate amount of time on Michael Mainelli’s sailing barge, Lady Daphne. Most of that time was spent on the River Thames, sailing back and forth from London Bridge City Pier, via a Tower Bridge lifting or two…
A typical Z/Yen boat trip
…to the Dome or sometimes as far as the Thames Barrier, “edutaining” clients and prospects. Occasionally we’d use the boat as a static venue for a business workshop or a dinner.
Our business, Z/Yen, even had the old tub corporately branded at the topsail level, as evidenced here:
Back in 1996, the boat was a bit of a novelty in the Mainelli and Z/Yen world. I cannot remember exactly the date Michael bought Lady Daphne, but I do remember Michael dragging me from our office to St Katherine’s Dock, where he wanted me to act as his “legal advisor” on the purchase contract.
But I don’t know anything about maritime law and am really not qualified to review a procurement contract for a substantial asset…
…I said. But Michael demurred…
I know that. But the vendor has been messing around for weeks. I figure if I turn up with my “advisor” we can insist on closing the deal. Just look at the document for a few minutes, spot a couple of spelling mistakes or grammatical errors – there are bound to be some – then state that we can sign as long as those small changes are made in manuscript…
A few weeks later, I found myself on the high seas (OK, The Solent) with Michael & Elisabeth, along with some of their close friends, boaty friends and close boaty friends.
We weren’t there for racing purposes – we were there in one of the more “corporate sail around” slots. It probably looked a bit like the following image from 1990:
In truth I remember little about the day, other than my general feeling of unease whenever I find myself on a boat.
I vaguely recall a decent lunch in a suitable hostelry in Cowes.
I recall the skipper – at that time Adrian I’m pretty sure – asking me if I wanted to take the helm for a while; an honour which, for everyone’s sake, I chose to decline.
I never did take the helm, but just occasionally I did need to “lead” on a Z/Yen boat trip in Michael’s absence. Naturally, I deferred to the skipper on all important matters, but I did the general introductions and safety announcements, while asserting that everything I know about boats could be written on the back of a postage stamp.
Below is the image from the back of that 2p stamp, which I always had with me when aboard the boat. If anyone asked me a question after my announcements, I’d show them the stamp and refer them to someone more knowledgeable.
The notes are a little faded and tarnished now, but I can still read the notes and expand on them accordingly:
90 foot barge out of Rochester 1923;
Known as “Lucky Lady Daphne” due to a few narrow escapes;
Daphne mostly schlepped Portland Stone;
In the unlikely event that you hear seven short blasts of the horn followed by a long blast, that’s an emergency;
Life jackets are stored fore and aft – the crew will be handing them out – if you are below deck, the exits are in the places I indicate fore and aft;
Take your jacket up, don it when above and await the skipper’s instructions. The safest place is almost always to stay on the boat;
Even without a full blown emergency there are hazards – glass can be a hazard so hand your used glasses in, ropes are generally doing something so be careful not to hold onto one as it might get pulled through a pully along with your hand, stairways and decks can become slippery…
Then I’d explain where we are going, the rough timescales of the voyage and the edutainment game we were going to play.
Not bad for a land-lubber.
Actually my scariest boat moments have been overseas, e.g.
…not the 1996 “high seas” Solent adventure aboard Lady Daphne described in this post.
Postscript
Elisabeth has been in touch to remind me that she was there at that strange purchase meeting and that she can confirm the exact…and I mean EXACT…time and date of the purchase:
…signed at 16.10 hrs on 10 May 1996…
That means that Michael and Elisabeth bought Lady Daphne a week after Michael’s stag do…
Picture taken from the Compton Stand at a Test some 20 years later.
There are only cryptic messages in my diary, but I do remember this day well:
Cookie Lords
Charlie Barnett 98 before lunch
Olly
Heather Rabbatts
Cookie in this instance is James Cooke, who was doing a bit of associate work with us, mostly introductions. As it turned out, the most fruitful introduction Cookie made (from my personal/selfish point of view) was introducing me to Lord’s.
Believe it or not this was my first visit to Lord’s. Little did I know then how much of my time I would end up spending in that wonderful place.
Why Cookie mentioned and I wrote down that factoid about Charlie Barnett, is a mystery. Perhaps Cookie had met or was related to Charlie Barnett?
I wrote down the names Olly and Heather Rabbatts in different coloured ink from the other notes – I’m guessing I wrote the latter two while at Lord’s with Cookie. I cannot remember who Olly is/was. I do recall that Cookie wanted to introduce us to Heather, whom he knew. She was a high flyer who at that time had recently become Chief Executive at Lambeth.
It was an informal invitation – just the two of us, me and Cookie sitting in the Compton Stand. That stand was still quite new then and did not yet have the sweep/link to the Grandstand, as the new Grandstand was still a year away.
England were not a good side in the mid 1990s and looked out of their depth batting against that fine Pakistan bowling line up, which included Wasim, Waqar and Mushtaq.
I remember Cookie providing a splendid picnic – I guess that was to be the prototype for my informal hospitality picnics in the coming decades.
I’m sure I thanked Cookie at the time but there is no way I could have thanked him sufficiently for planting that Lord’s seed in my psyche. So 20+ years and hundreds of visits later, I’d like to thank Cookie again for the introduction to Lord’s.
I remember that John Random wrote a great NewsRevue sketch/lyric for the Orange order marching season one year – hopefully we can find it in his archive somewhere when we excavate same. Mine, below, is not as good…but it is still quite good.
WHEN I SEE AN ORANGEMAN SMILE (To the Tune of “When I See An Elephant Fly”)
INTRO
LEAD: Did you ever see an Orangeman smile? CHORUS 1: Well I’ve seen a sweet smile! CHORUS 2: I’ve seen a rye smile! CHORUS 3: I’ve seen a Bosnian Muslim with no arms, legs or tallywacker smile.
VERSE 1
LEAD: Yeh, I’ve seen all that too. I’ve seen a Papist grin, And seen a Catholic sin, I’ve seen Republicans use their guile; But I’d be done seein’ about everything, when I see an Orangeman Smile. CHORUS 3: (Dr Paisley style) What did you say, boy? LEAD: I said when I see an Ulsterman smile, I’ve seen a Tudor beam, And seen a Stuart gleam, I’ve seen a Feinian run a mile; But I’d be done seein’ about everything, when I see an Orangeman Smile.
MIDDLE EIGHT
CHORUS: Da be do da da do da wa (etc. – do the do-do’s yourselves) CHORUS 1: I saw a marcher, some say he grins, LEAD: No I’m sure that he just snarls with a bit of a wince; CHORUS 2: I didn’t see that I only heard, CHORUS 3: (Dr Paisley style) He shouts abuse in accents so completely absurd.
VERSE 2
CHORUS 1: I’ve seen an Irish laugh, CHORUS 3: I’ve seen a Paisley scarf, CHORUS 2: I’ve seen some funerals done in style; LEAD: But I’d be done seein’ ’bout everything when I see an Orangeman smile
OUTRO
CHORUS: Ba-da-do-do, da-da-wop sh-bop (etc.) CHORUS: But I’d be done seein’ ’bout everything when I see a Unionist, LEAD: Even when he’s truly pissed, ALL: When I see an Orangeman smile!
Below is the wonderful scene and When I See An Elephant Fly song from Dumbo:
This was a great production of great play. Paul Scofield as the big man, Vanessa Redgrave as the long-suffering wife, Eileen Atkins, Michael Bryant, a great supporting cast, Richard Eyre directing, what was not to like?
Janie doesn’t tend to like “classics” but tends to makes an exception for Ibsen. This production was no exception to her exception.
As is often the case, the Lyttleton did the play no favours, too big and set back for intimacy yet not quite big enough or shaped right to be the big stage. But when the only criticism one can muster is that, the fact is that this was a great night at the theatre and I am so glad we saw this production.
I’m not sure that this lyric was ever actually sued…
…I mean used…
…in Newsrevue, which is a shame because I think it is rather a good one. It has a perennial quality to it.
SOLICITORS ARE DOIN’ IT FOR THEIR FEES
(To the Tune of “Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves”)
VERSE 1
Now there was a time under legal aid;
That behind every – big case, there had to be a – big budget.
But now these times have changed and Legal Aid’s for the few;
So we’re comin’ out of the law courts, cos there’s somethin’ that we’ve got to say to you.
CHORUS 1
The solicitors’ are doin’ it for their fees;
Running up expense accounts
And bringing you to your knees.
[with suitable wanking gestures] Solicitor’s are doin’ it to themselves.
VERSE 2
Now this is a song, meant to denigrate,
The foul disintegration of the welfare state;
Tory party values we all advocate,
But when legal aid is threatened we all remonstrate.
Surely we’ve justified hysteria,
Some of us cannot afford a second car;
We can’t believe it’s gone this far,
There’s loads of lawyers propping up the commons bar.
CHORUS 2
Solicitors are doin’ it for their fees (oh yes we are)
We’re standin’ on our own two feet
As long as we’ve got subsidies
[with suitable wanking gestures] Solicitor’s are doin’ it to themselves.
MIDDLE EIGHT
We aren’t making fortunes, we’ve been put on trial,
A lawyer loved a green form, cos he knew he’d earn a pile – oh yeah.
CHORUS 2
The solicitors are doin’ it in their pants,
We’ll have to justify our fees;
And back them up with evidence,
The solicitor’s have done it all to themselves!!!
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
EDINBURGH 1996 RUN
Dear Rob
Great to have you doing Edinburgh this year, after your storming run at the Canal. This starter pack consists of newer songs (tape side 1) plus some older ones which have longevity or are still topical (tape side 2). As ususal, please call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If you want me to rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. Also, if any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title
Original Title/
Artist on Tape Approx.. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
when i see an orangeman smile when i see an elephant fly / dumbo N
strike me a letter the letter / boxtops N
the olympics are shit the first time / robin beck N
the netanyahu chorus hallelujah chorus / handel 1-3
paisley and adams father and son / cat stevens 1-3
john major just cares for my baby just cares for me / nina simone N
tony blair gloria / vivaldi N
solicitors are doing it for their fees solicitors are doing it / eurythmics & aretha N
steroids atlanta 96 just don’t know what to do / dusty springfield 7+
side 2
goatee swanee / al jolson 7+
i am old we are young / supergrass 7+
winner eats it all the winner takes it all / abba 4-6
whitewater 1996 oh susannah / trad 4-6
stakeholder dont sit under the apple tree / andrew sisters 7+
penguin 60s when I’m 64 / beatles 7+
Not my best ever lyric, this one. I don’t think it was used, but perhaps it was.
I guess I was irritated about Coca Cola’s prominence in the Olympics marketing that summer. But the games were being held in Atlanta Georgia, so what did I realistically expect?
Anyway, here are my lyrics:
THE OLYMPICS ARE SHIT
(To the Tune of “The First Time”)
VERSE 1
First line, first drug,
What a feeling is this?
Electricity surge
Extra power, what bliss.
Like a break in the clouds in the Atlanta sun
With the sound of the crowds now the contest’s begun.
These are amateur games with professional kit,
And a whole load of substance abuse, the Olympics are shit,
The Olympics are shit.
MIDDLE EIGHT
When they were new,
The Olympics were fair and true,
Now there just are no words to describe the deception
Oh no no no
VERSE 2
Big dosh, such hype,
What a sponsorship deal;
The most mercenary yet,
Can this nightmare be real?
Let me sponsor your towel, print my name on your shorts,
The gold medal is yours, we don’t care for the sports;
They should give an award for the product which bored,
Us the most with this commercial shit, Coca Cola is it!
Coca Cola is it.
Here is the advert/song which is a suitable repository for the above lyric – other brands’ irritating soft drink commercials are available.
There must have been a few strikes on that summer. It’s a neat idea but probably reads better than it would have performed. I don’t think it was performed.
STRIKE ME A LETTER (To the Tune of “The Letter”)
VERSE 1
SINGER: Give me a ticket for an aeroplane. STRIKE 1: (speaks) Sorry dear, the pilots and air traffic controllers are on strike. SINGER: Ain’t got time to take a fast train. STRIKE 2: (voiceover) London Transport apologises for the inconvenience, but due to industrial action there are no fast train Metropolitan Line services today. SINGER: Lonely days are gone, I’m a goin’ home, Cos my baby just-a wrote me a letter. STRIKE 3: (speaks) Unlikely, dear – post boxes are boarded up for the umpteenth time as postal workers are staging another 24 hour stoppage….. SINGER: (speaks – frustrated)…. she had it couriered to me – OK?
VERSE 2
SINGER: I don’t care how much money I’ve got to spend. STRIKE 1: (speaks) Cashpoint machine’s broken down again. SINGER: Got to get back to my baby again. STRIKE 3: (speaks) You’ll have to drive, clever clogs. No planes and trains, remember? SINGER: Strikes that never end, drive me round the bend, And now my baby just e-mailed me a letter.
MIDDLE EIGHT
SINGER: Then she faxed me a letter and demanded her rights to see me without doubt, Listen, mister, in the States, Bill Clinton says it’s just three strikes and you are out, I’ll go there, hey….
VERSE 3
SINGER: Give me a ticket for an Aeroplane, STRIKE 1: (speaks) Choose your transatlantic carrier, sir – British Airways, British Airways or British Airways. SINGER: (speaks) um….British Airways please. STRIKE 1: (speaks) I think they’re about to go on strike again. SINGER: These disputes are such a vast pain Tories cause a storm, strikes become the norm, I think I’ll write John Major a letter. STRIKE 3: (speaks) Not much point just now, the postal workers are still on strike. SINGER: (speaks) Just answer me this one question – how do striking postal workers hold a postal ballot to agree the end of a strike?
Usual apologies for the poor look of the “table” of submissions, which converts so poorly from Amipro software, but you’ll get the idea.
Jason Kane seems to have called me prior to my submission; a rare proactive move by a new director before the start of a run. Well done him.
Jason Kane
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JULY-AUGUST 1996 RUN
Dear Jason
It was good to hear from you this weekend. I was feeling guilty about my lack of submissions and actually had a jotter full of new ideas.
This starter pack consists of mainly the new songs, plus a couple of rewrites and one or two currently in the show which I think still have legs.
Please do call me again if you are still short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Approx.. No. of weeks performed/ 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
hillary / eleanor / turtles – new
john major just cares for me / my baby just cares for me / nina simone – new
tony blair / gloria / vivaldi = new
solicitors are doin’ it to themselves / sisters are doin’ it for themselves / eurythmics – new
saturday night’s all right for tantrums / saturday night’s all right for fighting / elton – new
mr ghali / mr blobby / mr blobby – new
netanyahu / hallelujah chorus / handel – new
paisley & adams / father & son / cat stevens – 1-3
ode to eurosceptics / symphony 9 mov 4 excerpt / beethoven – 1-3
