Steve Parsons 6 March 1994
News Revue
Dear Steve
SONGS
I enclose this weeks offerings and hope you like them. I have given you two versions of The Boy From New York City, as my song borrows structure from both.
The tape also includes a couple of tracks that Nick R Thomas asked me to tape for you; apparently you have his lyrics but couldn’t trace the tunes.
As I said on Thursday, your team are all bursting with talent. I’m sure that the run will be excellent once they all relax and enjoy themselves on stage (they were probably already doing just that by Friday last!)
Looking forward to seeing you all later in the week.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris
Encs
Author: Ian Louis Harris
They Are The Tories, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 March 1994
Yet another lyric which my log claims I penned on 6 March 1994. I’m not sure if this one was used or not; I don’t think it was…or if it was I don’t think it worked in the show.
Some good lines though, matching the lines from I Am The Walrus quite neatly.
_ THEY ARE THE TORIES _
(To the Tune of "I Am The Walrus")
VERSE 1
It’s absurd that such a turd as Douglas Hurd can run our foreign office;
See how they run those bits of a gun see how the arms, are firing.
Sitting in a courtroom, waiting for Lord Justice Scott,
Parliamentary penguins tried to cover proof up,
My they’ve all been naughty boys they are a wicked lot.CHORUS 1
They are the egg heads {ooooh} they sold the war heads {ooooh},
They are the Tories, goob goob ga joob.MIDDLE EIGHT
Sitting in a Baghdad garden waiting for the gun,
If the gun don’t come,
They’ll buy their Scuds from Georgia or from Ukraine.CHORUS 2
They are the despots {ooooh}, they have the death squads {ooooh},
They are the warlords, goob goob go joob.VERSE 2
Matrix Churchill bosses were still going down Old Bailey thanks to you,
Ministers all signed except for Heseltine says Justice Scott’s, inquiry;
(Inquiry, inquiry, inquiry.)
Yellow man don’t trust Hurd,
Although he can speak Mandarin;
Mahatir Mohamad’s angry in Malaysia,
Cos the English press say’s he made on the Pergau Dam.CHORUS 3
They were the aid men {ooooh}, now there’s no trade men {ooooh},
They are the Tories, goob goob ga joob goob goob goob ga joob ga goob.
Oompa oompa stuff Kuala Lumpur, Kuala Lumpur stick it up your jumper, oompa oompa damn Kuala Lumpur…….(exit gracefully).
Here is a video of The Beatles singing I Am The Walrus:
Reject, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused/Incomplete), 6 March 1994
I must have written this one at the same time as The Graft In Little Rock City…
…but it is incomplete and I didn’t even catalogue it, so my guess is that I felt it was less than satisfactory and was waiting for inspiration and/or the news to revive it…
…then I forgot all about it for 25 years.
Anyway, here it is. The idea of Hillary Clinton belting a lyric to the tune of Respect still pleases me…but probably not quite this lyric.
_ REJECT _
(To the Tune of "Respect")VERSE 1
Hilary Clinton that’s me,
Bill should be a lot more PC;
All I’m asking is for a little less sex with bimbos
{just a little bit, just a little bit}
‘Specially when I’m home,
{just a little bit, just a little bit}VERSE 2
Bill ain’t very strong, when it comes to women,
wrong woman
All I’m askin
Hit it, Billy C
(Sax Solo)VERSE 3
give you money
return honey
give me proper home
re reMIDDLE EIGHT
A REJECT
That’s what Bill considers me
DISSECT
I should cut off his willy.OUTRO
Sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him,
Sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him sock it to him,
just a little
Here is Aretha Franklin singing Respect with the lyrics on the screen:
While I’m at it, here is Otis Redding, who wrote the song, performing it live. Personally I love both the Otis and the Aretha versions of this song:
The Graft In Little Rock City, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 March 1994
Uploading this part of my lyric archive some 25 years after the event, April 2019, makes me realise that accusations of Presidential corruption in the USA are more commonplace than we tend to remember. Trump might be more awful and cartoon-villain-like than his predecessors, but many have had scandals hanging over their heads for much of their presidency.
I don’t recall this lyric being used much, if at all. Some good lines though. I had to look up Bernard Nussbaum – White House Counsel under Clinton…
…and I still couldn’t spell “Hillary” in 1994.
_ THE GRAFT IN LITTLE ROCK CITY _
(To the Tune of "The Boy From New York City")
INTRO – THE PRESS
De dum de, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-de-dum,
De-dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-dum, dum-de-dum;
Oh-wah, oh-wah, cool cool Hilly, tell us how you worked with Governor Billy,
Oh-wah, oh-wah, Hilary Clinton, tell us all the things that you know went on.
VERSE 1 – HILARY CLINTON
We lived before, in Arkansas {yeh, yeh},
Which is the poorest US state you ever saw {yeh, yeh};
Bill’s a dope, who comes from Hope,
But with me pulling all his strings maybe he can cope {uh, uh}.
Oh-eee, you’ve gotta all believe, he don’t inhale {oh no} and don’t tell tales {oh no}.MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – HILARY CLINTON
Bill thought that Whitewater was bonny, but still refused to sign;
He sold his colleagues up the Swanee, like Michael Hesteltine.VERSE 2 – HILARY CLINTON
Oh-wah, oh-wah, we’ve no pity, tell us about the graft in Little Rock City;
Oh-wah, oh-wah, come on Hilary, the papers say that you both were ancillary.
I had a shock, in Little Rock {yeh, yeh},
When all those stories broke on where Bill stuck his cock {yeh, yeh};
If its true, he’s in deep doo-doo,
A la recherche de Paula Jones and Sally Perdue {who they?}.
Oh-eee, a press conspiracy, on how Bill grafts {yeh, yeh} and how he shafts {yeh yeh}.MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – HILARY CLINTON
Now we’re in trouble for Whitewater, but if Bill’s got some sense;
He’ll take a tip from Shirley Porter, and shred all evidence; that’s smart.OUTRO – PRESS AND HILARY OVERLAPPING LINES
{HILARY:Well alright, so he’s thick,
PRESS:Oh-wah, oh-wah, don’t be shitty, blow the gaff on graft in Little Rock City;}
{HILARY:But he’ll blame it all on Bernard Nussbaum so the flack don’t stick….
PRESS:Oh-wah, oh-wah, come on Hilary, the papers say the Clintons were ancillary}
(Repeat, dancing off)
Below or here is The Boy From New York City sung by The Ad Libs:
An Evening Of Dexterity & Quick Math Skills With Andrea Dean & Other(s), Probably 4 March 1994
Andra Dean recently (August 2020) found the above photograph, which she chose to e-mail to me wondering whether I remembered the infamous “Fruit ‘n’ Nut evening.
Of course I remembered it…vaguely. As did Andrea. We swapped notes.
It was supposed to be a bridge evening at Andrea’s place in Ormiston Grove, Shepherd’s Bush. Somebody didn’t turn up, so we couldn’t play bridge.
Andrea had been given the game Fruit ‘n’ Nut, probably Me magazine, possibly as a freebie and/or perhaps to review for the magazine.
At least three of us, possibly with an additional non-bridge playing fourth person, got really quite drunk and played Fruit ‘n’ Nut instead.
The juxtaposition of a citrus fruit in my mouth in the photograph suggests temporal proximity to the demise, in February 1994, of Stephen Milligan, who sadly died of autoerotic asphyxiation in similar circumstances…
…by which I mean “with an orange in his mouth”, not “while playing Fruit ‘n’ Nut round Andrea’s place”.
Stephen Milligan’s passing is said to have been one of the nails in the coffin of John Major’s hapless “Back To Basics” morality campaign. From my point of view, Milligan worked wonders for my Get Back To Basics NewsRevue lyric, which ran and ran in early 1994:
But returning to Shepherd’s Bush and the Fruit ‘n’ Nut evening, my abiding mystery questions revolve around who else was there and why we didn’t have four for bridge.
Around that time, we were mostly playing at my place, Daniel’s place or Andrea’s place. For some months, Marianne (Maz) had not been the fourth bridge person as she and Daniel had split up. For reasons known only to Daniel and Maz, it was Daniel who “got” me and Andrea as bridge companions in the “Daniel & Maz split settlement”. Later, when Daniel took the only practical step possible to avoid playing bridge with us – emigrating to Australia – Maz rejoined us and became a regular part of our irregular bridge arrangements for many years.
Anyway, I have a funny feeling that Daniel was part of the Fruit ‘n’ Nut mayhem, but I don’t know who the missing fourth person might have been. Tessa certainly became part of the group around that time – perhaps she had to withdraw at the last minute or something.
I don’t know why I associate Wendy with that evening – it might be a false memory – but it is the sort of crazy evening memory that tends to have Wendy’s fingerprints over it. Perhaps it was one of those evenings when Wendy had a go at playing bridge but we all gave up on the bridge idea early in favour of the fascinating and sophisticated card-based game that is Fruit ‘n’ Nut.
Anyway, this piece is a shout out to whoever else might have been there. Please let me and Andrea know if you were one of the Fruit ‘n’ Nut cases that evening. You can send us a private message if you wish, but public confessions as comments on this piece would be even more welcome.
Then there’s the question of what the game Fruit ‘n’ Nut is about. What is its central conceit? What are the nuances that make this game truly special? Is it comparable with bridge in terms of its call on cognitive ability and mental stamina?
Basically I remembered Fruit ‘n’ Nut as a slightly elaborated version of snap, with bespoke cards and a bell.
I recall distinctly that the amount of fun and profound meaning we were getting out of playing the game increased as the evening wore on. This might be because it is one of those games whose subtleties become apparent the more you play it…or it might be because we were all getting drunk as the evening wore on.
Andrea has gone one better than my dodgy memory. It’s the investigative journalist in her I guess. Andrea has researched the origins of the game on-line, even finding an instructional video.
It seems that Fruit ‘n’ Nut has different names in different places. In the USA it is known as Halli Galli. The above video is worth the investment of 2’20” for its serious mode of delivery if nothing else. It explains the game in excruciating detail and describes it as a blend of “dexterity and quick math skills”.
My recollection, in our version, was a requirement not only to strike the bell but also to ejaculate the phrase, “fruit and nut” as vociferously as possible. Was this our own playing condition or does this form part of the UK rule book?
Even the website Boardgamegeek seems a little light on detail for this game, but it is still an amusing and worthwhile read.
The lack of standardisation in the playing conditions and even in the naming of the game reminds me of the chaos that ensued in the 1870’s with lawn tennis (aka pelota, aka Sphairistikè); a subject I have been researching and writing up recently:
In the matter of tennis in the 1870s, naturally the Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC) was called upon to standardise and codify laws for the nascent sport of lawn tennis, as it had done for cricket and for real tennis.
I wonder whether the good services of the MCC might be called upon again, to become the international guardian of the laws of Fruit ‘n’ Nut. Indeed, not only the laws but also the spirit of the game, which is surely the very essence of the honourable sporting activity that is Fruit ‘n’ Nut. In particular, no “early peek” at the card you are about to turn over when it is your turn to lay a card.
Perhaps also there should be a dress code for the game. I’d suggest whites, but then as an MCC cricket and tennis sort of fellow, you’d expect nothing else.
Sadly, my sartorial standards back then were well below the requisite for such a sport, as the photograph from the evening sadly attests.
Even more sadly, the results of our matches were not recorded, so they are lost in the mists of time. I’m pretty sure that my ability to recognise shapes and count to five would not have been diminished by alcohol, although my bell-thumping speed and dexterity might have been adversely affected.
I suppose a rematch is out of the question?
Wildest Dreams by Alan Ayckbourn, The Pit, 26 February 1994
My log reads,
Don’t remember this one too well, which says something.
I have managed to find a synopsis, click here, but it doesn’t really help me much.
Here is the Theatricalia entry for this play/production. Still only a vague memory.
I don’t think we liked it.
I don’t think we walked out at half time. I suspect the performances from that top notch cast kept us going. But I don’t think we liked the play.
I’ve managed to find an on-line review for this one, in the Variety archive – click here.
Here is the Michael Billington clipping:
Billington On Wildest Dreams Thu, Dec 16, 1993 – 34 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Here’s Michael Coveney’s clipping:
Coveney On Wildest Dreams Sun, Dec 19, 1993 – 58 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Sixteen Bugger Your Eighteen, NewsRevue Lyric, 21 February 1994
By the time I wrote this piece, I had probably overdone the subject of Tory “back to basics” hypocrisy over moral issues, especially homosexuality, for NewsRevue.
A pity, really, as I think this lyric might, purely in lyrical terms, be the best of the lot.
_ SIXTEEN BUGGER YOUR EIGHTEEN _
(To the Tune of “Sixteen Going On Seventeen”)
INTRO
MP:You wait, little chap, till you’re twenty one; until then you masturbate on,
Your life, little chap, is an empty one, for MP’s to legislate on.
GAY(S):We wait on….
VERSE 1
MP:You are sixteen going on seventeen, God help you if you’re gay;
Fellows you meet, would give you a sweet and make you go the wrong way.
You are seventeen going on eighteen, too young to be so lax,
You’ll have to wait unless you are straight to indulge in sexual acts.
Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men,
Gaiety undeclared, for you are too young to consent.
You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do;
I’m a minister don’t think I’m sinister I’ll defile your youth.
VERSE 2
GAY(S):Under eighteen we’re in the gay scene, we don’t think we’re naive;
Your back to basics makes us young gays sick, practice what you believe.
You are sixty going on seventy, you are all out of touch,
Old public schools where you learnt the rules did not sway you old sods much.
Totally unprepared were you to equalise the age,
Tory MPs are scared, for you, must now face gay outrage.
We’ll try something harsher and wilder to get our message through,
We want sixteen bugger your eighteen, we’ll out all of you.
Here are Richard Haydn and Eleanor Parker singing Sixteen Going On Seventeen in the Sound Of Music movie:
Click here for the lyrics to Sixteen Going On Seventeen.
In 1997 I updated this lyric for some House Of Lord’s reason:
SIXTEEN BUGGER YOUR EIGHTEEN – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Sixteen Going On Seventeen”)
INTRO
LORD(S): You wait, little chap, till you’re aged eighteen; until then you masturbate on,
Your life, little chap, is an empty one, for we Lords to legislate on.
GAY(S): We wait on….
VERSE 1
LORD(S): You are sixteen going on seventeen, God help you if you’re gay;
Fellows you meet, would give you a sweet and make you go the wrong way.
You are seventeen going on eighteen, too young to be so lax,
You’ll have to wait unless you are straight to indulge in sexual acts.
Totally unprepared are you to face a world of men,
Gaiety undeclared, for you are too young to consent.
You need someone older and wiser telling you what to do;
I’m an ageing peer, no-one calls me a queer, I’ll define your youth.
VERSE 2
GAY(S): Under eighteen we’re in the gay scene, we don’t think we’re naive;
Not up for blokes and too young for smokes, this can’t be what you believe.
You are sixty going on seventy, you are all out of touch,
Old public schools where you learnt the rules did not sway you old sods much.
Totally unprepared are you to recognise young men,
New Labour want the change cos they have Chris Smith and Red Ken.
We’ll try something harsher and wilder to get our message through,
We want sixteen bugger your eighteen, we’ll out all of you.
Karaoke Honda, NewsRevue Lyric, 21 February 1994
I don’t recall seeing this one performed, but it might have been used. The perennial problem of the car industry in the UK; this news item was one of many chapters in that tale.
_ KARAOKE HONDA _
(To the Tune of “Without You”)
HONDA EXECUTIVE:Excuse me. Is this the Rover plant Karaoke bar?
BARMAN (PIANIST):Certainly squire. That’ll be 50p for the video Karaoke machine.
(The Honda executive pays. The pianist strikes up the tune. The Honda executive takes up the microphone. Two members of the cast then meander around the stage throughout the song, looking into each other’s eyes and shining torches along pieces of cardboard, inscribed with large Japanese-like characters).
VERSE 1 – HONDA EXECUTIVE
Well I can’t believe it’s over, our relationship with Rover,
But I guess it’s just the way the Tories go;
We motorised your dismal lines when they ran slow, they ran slow.
We were both rolling in clover, on the back of your Land Rover,
But your German deal sucks more than you could know,
And now we’re pulling out our engines, your autos might cease to go.
CHORUS 1 – HONDA EXECUTIVE
We lost face to frigging BMW, Aerospace are a bunch of old tarts,
We won’t live in trade with BMW, we won’t give those kraut bastards our parts.
VERSE 2 – BMW EXECUTIVE
(One of the meanderers takes the microphone from the Honda executive. The Honda executive becomes a meanderer, staring longingly into the eyes of the other meanderer. The pieces of cardboard, reversed/transposed, now show German-like characters. The BMW executive has a “Stage-German” accent)
We just can’t believe you’re fonder of your car trade owned by Honda,
Than the thought that UK firms are German owned,
For all those years your British cars were not your own, they’d been cloned.
CHORUS 2 – BMW EXECUTIVE
We can deal without a civic Honda, it’s a steal without Honda accord,
It’s a pup this industry you squandered, this makes up for the second world war, haw haw.
Below is Harry Nilsson singing Without You with lyrics on’t screen.
Crude Moo, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 February 1994
I’m just trying to imagine now, more than 25 years later, what I might have done with this lyric had we known back then that Edwina Currie was having an affair with the Prime Minister, John “back to basics” Major, at the time.
This lyric merely makes fun of Mrs Currie’s attempt at writing a bonkbuster novel.
_ CRUDE MOO _
(To the Tune of “Blue Moon”)
You’ll have to work out most of the backing do-do’s and wop-wop’s yourselves. It’s more than my jobs worth to even attempt it.
INTRO
Cu, cu-cu-cu, cu-cu, cu-cu, cu; ree, re-re-re, re-re, re-re, re,
Edwina Currie;
Blue book, blue book, blue book, do-do-do-do-do,
Moo, crude moo, crude moo, do-do-do-do-do,
Moo, crude moo, crude moo, do-do-do-do-do,
Cu, cu-cu-cu, cu-cu, cu-cu, cu; ree, re-re-re, re-re, re-re, re,
Edwina Currie;
VERSE 1
Blue book, Edwina Currie’s new tome,
Of the intrigues in the house, when two MP’s are alone.
Crude moo, A Parliamentary Affair’s for,
Those members whom we despair for,
They don’t know what members’ there for.
MIDDLE EIGHT
The gay community, says that you’re permissive,
Tho’ you seemed priggish, when obsessed with eggs;
With incredulity, we read your new missive,
On strawberry cream, smeared in between the legs.
VERSE 2
Oh-oh-oh crude moo,
Edwina Currie’s a cow,
She told the old to keep warm,
Her book now illustrates how.
OUTRO
Cu, cu-cu-cu, cu-cu, cu-cu, cu; ree, re-re-re, re-re, re-re, re,
Edwina Currie, crude moo!
Here are The Marcels singing Blue Moon in a doo wop stylee with lyrics upon the screen:
Macbeth by William Shakespeare, Barbican Theatre, 19 February 1994
Janie is not partial to Shakespeare, but this production directed by Adrian Noble with Derek Jacobi as Macbeth and Cheryl Campbell as Lady Macbeth was quite special and we both thought it very good.
Theatricalia sets out the deal here.
I now learn that one of the three witches was Tracy-Ann Oberman, who went on (shortly after this production I think), to perform in NewsRevue/SportsRevue. Not our first sighting of her, that was in The Changeling at Stratford:
Returning to The Scottish Play, though, this is one of two productions Janie and I have seen; the other being the Tony Sher/Harriet Walter production to be Ogblogged “in the fullness”.
A couple of contemporaneous reviews survive on-line:
Here is Michael Billington’s review:
Billington On Macbeth Sat, Dec 18, 1993 – 26 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Here’s the Michael Coveney clipping:
Coveney On Macbeth Sun, Dec 19, 1993 – 58 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Not brilliantly well received, then.