This is a useful note, in that it confirms that Keith Wickham went straight from cast to director at that time. It also helps confirm which of my extant batch of songs had not been used yet, to me, still felt current/useful.
If I recall correctly, Keith used plenty of mine, but probably not these ones.
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
KEITH WICKHAM MAY-JUNE 1993 RUN
Dear Keith
There seems little point in my submitting the material that is currently being used, as I believe that you and Dan are to continue in the show. I am therefore just submitting material that has been cruelly overlooked before, some of which may match the skills of your new troop and which is not too long in the tooth. I shall obviously submit new material as and when it comes to me.
Please do call me and let me know what sort of things you are short of/need and I shall try to oblige.
Asil Nadir was a Turkish Cypriot businessman whose conglomerate, Polly Peck, which owned Del Monte amongst many other well-known brands, got into a spot of difficulty around this time. Asil did a runner and remained a fugitive for a very long time. More recently he faced justice did time.
This lyric was not used as far as I can recall. It doesn’t have a great deal going for it, in truth.
I WAS ASIL NADIR'S GIRLFRIEND (To the Tune of "I Was Kaiser Bill's Batman")
(The girls each stand on opposite sides of the stage. The henchmen stand in between them. Ideally, the girls have blond wigs and the henchmen have dark glasses and jackets.)
VERSE 1 – GIRL NUMBER ONE
Asil Nadir made knickers here, I was Asil Nadir’s girlfriend; Now that Nadir’s in Nicosia, I suppose I’m his ex girlfriend. Gave me fresh tights three times a night, All with a Polly Peck label; I was the only girl made him feel right, Till Asil bolted the stable.
VERSE 2 – GIRL NUMBER TWO
Asil Nadir was so sincere, He was the man from Del Monte; His fruit I guess made me say yes, Like in a film by Visconti. Went mad a bit, banana split, He ran away from his court case; He was so faithful and he left about, Five hundred new shirts at my place.
VERSE 3 – THE HENCHMEN (While the henchmen are singing – one of the girls goes behind them and finds the other girl)
Asil Nadir, {GIRL ONE: Asil loves me} Hassle and fear, {GIRL TWO: Asil loves me} We are Asil Nadir’s henchmen; {BOTH GIRLS: Asil Nadir’s true love} Each of his dames, {GIRL ONE: Asil loves me} Believe his claims, {GIRL TWO: Asil loves me} She is the one girl he’s wenching. {BOTH GIRLS: Asil Nadir’s true love} Asil Nadir, {GIRL ONE: Asil loves me} Made our career, {GIRL TWO: Asil loves me} Keeping his skirt segregated; {BOTH GIRLS: Hey, who the hell are you?} If we should let those birds catch Asil out, {BOTH GIRLS: We’ll both make Asil sweat} We’ll both be deconjugated. If we should let those birds catch Asil out, We’ll both be deconjugated. (The henchmen, spotting the girls are now together, both point and yell:) Oy.
The above lyric works well to the tune of I Was Kaiser Bill’s Batman:
My parents only came to see NewsRevue once and it seems to have escaped my diary as an “event”.
In those days, I was regularly going on a Thursday evening as long as I didn’t have anything else on, so it could easily have been scheduled quite casually and I do not recall anything as event-like as having dinner with the folks before the show or anything like that.
…but I think to my folks, especially my mum, it was just some sophomoric thing I was doing as a vague hobby.
I remember dad liking the show.
I remember mum not liking it.
I remember the director, Michael Eriera, ever the professional, making a fuss over my parents for a while when they visited, which helped to make them feel special and was a nice touch.
The reason I think it was probably this particular Thursday (or the one after) is linked to my Michael Eriera-linked memory of that evening. I wasn’t around for all that many Thursdays of Michael’s runs.
I remember mum saying, I paraphrase only slightly:
I’d have thought you’d got all this sort of thing out of your system when you were at university, dear.
As for the Social Chapter opt out clause from the Maastricht treaty, it was something to do with labour laws and became obsolete even before the Brexity business…but in truth I’m none the wiser now…
5 May 1993
Dear Michael
I have taken a look at the Zany Tony song and have concluded that you only need to change a couple of lines at the end for the song to work perfectly well in the event of a Liberal win.
Who needs alliance,
To gain triumphs?
The Liberals won it fair and square,
And the Labour chappie came nowhere,
We’re Beckett, Smith, Claire Short and zany Tony Blaire.
The Liberals seem to be doing so well that I suggest you swop in these lines for Thursday (and swop back to the original if the polls are wrong and the Tory limps home).
Consider also changing the spoken bit in the Maastricht song to cover the Social Chapter issue which seems to be so big this week.
MAJOR:This is a special bulletin. Ma Stricht is the Tory Whip’s most considerably wanted treaty. Oh yes. If anyone can explain what the Social Chapter Opt Out clause means, please report immediately to Tory Central Office.
THATCHER:Don’t anybody move. Hand over that treaty.
Please have a think about any new areas that you would like to me to cover over the next couple of weeks and we can chat about them on Thursday. As you reckon that Keith is already warming up to take over, perhaps have a word with him about what he is looking for. I am unlikely to get much chance to write again for a couple of weeks after the coming weekend.
Janie had a former colleague and friend named Michelle. Janie called her “Pussycat Michelle”.
We visited Michelle and her partner Joe for lunch in Amersham for lunch on this Sunday.
I recall little about the lunch, other than some good food (Michelle’s French background was telling) and a little bit of whacky backy from Joe after lunch.
They were good company, those two, but it always seemed difficult to fix up times to see them, so there were few (if any) repeats. Certainly we only made the one visit there.
Janie and I went threee times in a fortnight to see RNT Studio plays at the Cottesloe. This was the first of those three visits. It was a modern Liverpudlian play of the post-Thatcherism variety. We thought it was a very good play and really enjoyed (if that is the right word) this production.
Michael Church gave it a very good review in the Observer:
The diaries give very few clues about this short break to Cornwall. I think we both simply agreed to book out the first three days working days of that week and drive off to Cornwall.
We went in Red Noddy – at that time my company car – a souped-up automatic Honda Civic. In those days Janie had Blue Noddy – a slightly older, souped-down automatic Honda Civic.
The only clue as to our destination in either diary is the slightly misleading note in Janie’s:
“Rossiney” [sic] – meaning “Bossiney” House Hotel Tintagel
I think we stayed there two nights – dining at the hotel on one night and “commuting” to Rick Stein’s Padstow Restaurant the other night. That Rick Stein meal was an excellent one and I think in those days Rick Stein himself was still hanging around that place when we dined there.
From memory, I think we then drove on to St Ives and stayed somewhere around there for a couple of nights – exploring St Ives, Lands End itself and whatever else was worth seeing at that very south-western tip of Great Britain.
Janie had written down…
…”Gyllyndune Manor” (Falmouth)…
…but crossed it out. I don’t think there was room at the inn or perhaps she decided she didn’t like the sound of it. I vaguely recall just allowing enough time on arrival at St Ives to check places out and plug for something. Midweek in April this was not a tough ask.
The only thing I wrote down in my diary for the whole trip was…
…*Ben Murphy…
…and I do recall trying to call my west-country comedy customer Ben Murphy ahead of our journey home, with a view to possibly stopping off for a quick face-to-face on his home turf in Somerset. Ben made himself scarce for that idea…or possibly simply was, as he said later, otherwise engaged. Hard to pin down, was Ben.
I don’t think we took any photos on that break – at least I cannot find any and neither of us, at the moment, remembers taking any. Yet it seems strange that we didn’t. Possibly a mislaid batch of photos will emerge in the fullness of time – don’t hold your breath, though.
For now, feast your eyes on a couple of pictures that good folk put in the public domain.
I wrote this parody of Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear for NewsRevue around the time of the Newbury by-election in April 1993.
Very little was known about Tony Blair back then; indeed I couldn’t even spell his name. I cannot quite remember what made me spot him as an up and coming politician; perhaps it was just that he had a prominent role in that by-election campaign. Perhaps I simply latched on to the name Tony Blair fitting perfectly where “Dancing Bear” goes in the song.
The original song, Simon Smith and His Amazing Dancing Bear, is by Randy Newman, but was made famous by the Alan Price Set.
The latter version is the very first record I ever owned; I seem to recall nagging an auntie to get it for me. I also recall my father moving my teddy bear’s legs to make it dance for me when the song came on the radio. I was four-on-five when the record came out. Ahhh.
I don’t think Newman had teddy bears in mind when he wrote the song, but it is ironic (at least for me) that Newman went on to write the scores for the wonderful Toy Story movies. But I digress.
So was I the first political satirist to give Tony Blair the song treatment? Must have been up there with the first pack, if not the very first. I have left the spelling mistake on Blair[e]’s name in tact, for old time’s sake.
♬ BECKETT, SMITH, CLAIRE SHORT AND ZANY TONY BLAIRE ♬
(To the Tune of “Simon Smith And The Amazing Dancing Bear”)
VERSE 1
JOHN SMITH:I may go out to Newbury,
To visit Doobrie,
Who’s standing there;
After a lot of thought,
I’ll take Beckett, Short,
And young Tony Blaire;
THE TEAM:The Liberals, deplore us,
The press all, ignore us;
ALL BUT BLAIRE:Oh who would think that Tony Blaire,
Would be so neglected everywhere,
It’s just amazing how square people can be.
(Tony Blaire tries to do a zany dance to prove how unsquare he is: it transpires that he is actually quite square himself. He may try to repeat the dance at the end of each verse.)
VERSE 2
THE TEAM:We go to ghastly places,
Like Newbury races,
And Newbury fair;
Our low poll is a myth,
We’ve got Beckett, Smith,
Short and Tony Blaire;
Voters are choosing,
The Tories are losing;
BECKETT/BLAIRE:Oh who would think that John and Claire,
Would appeal to dames with blue rinsed hair,
But Newbury voters out there seem very pleased.
PIANO BIT
(During which John Smith makes a short speech to the “voters” in the audience)
JOHN SMITH:Don’t be fooled by talk of this tactical voting nonsense. The best way to get the Tories out of Newbury is by voting Labour, the natural party of opposition. Thank you.
OUTRO
THE TEAM:Who needs alliance,
To gain triumphs?
The Tories get the minor share,
But we split the vote so the trophy’s theirs,
We’re Beckett, Smith, Claire Short and zany Tony Blaire.
