Author: Ian Louis Harris

My lean run of writing continued into early March. I still had plenty of material in the show because I had written some corkers over Christmas and into January that were running and running.

This one was about the band Suede which must have been the most heavily hyped band since…

…the previously most heavily hyped band.

Anyway, here is the quickie, which understandably didn’t make the cut.

NEW SUEDE TUNES

(A quickie to the Tune of “Blue Suede Shoes”)

 

INTRO

And now, the band rock journalists have all been talking about;

The greatest band since………the last band we said was the greatest band;

The band you’ve all been waiting for;

Here they are, the one, the only:

Suede.

 

THE SONG

Well it’s:

One heap of money,

Two boring shows,

Three all screw the groupie,

Then go catch doses,

So don’t you,

Egg on those new Suede tunes,

Overhype anything,

But stay offa those new Suede tunes.

Below is a vid showing Elvis Presley singing Blue Suede Shoes:

Click here for the lyrics of Blue Suede Shoes.

Just in case the whole Suede thing passed you by…

…I mean, even I bought the album and they are said to have been the first of the 1990s Britpop sensations so Suede must have been hyped bigly…

…below is a vid of Suede singing Animal Nitrate:

I was going through a rich seam of unusable ideas at that time – late February to early March 1993 – perhaps the longest string of unused items in my whole NewsRevue writing (so-called) career.

I have a feeling that Janie and I took a long weekend in the Derbyshire peaks around that time, doing some walking in freezing temperatures and that I wrote a few of these duds there. Proof positive that I need warmth and comfort in order to be funny.

This lyric has some good lines; I think it is a good read. But it does not have performance quality to it.

ZAIRE OF THE BRAT

(To the Tune of “The Year Of The Cat”)

VERSE 1

Like an extra from a James Bond movie,

In a toque made of pure leopard’s skin;

He goes strolling through the crowds like Butelesi,

Contemplating a sin.

Now his name’s Mobutu and he may well shoot you,

If you say his country is in strife;

Don’t bother asking for resignations,

He’s the President for life,

In Zaire of the brat.

VERSE 2

In Kinshasa people don’t ask questions,

When he takes other’s wives for kicks;

Despite the rise of AIDS and such infections,

In the Zairian sticks.

Been allowed to stay ‘cos the USA,

Had maintained Mobutu by mistake;

George Bush was pushed and now Bill Clinton’s,

Leaving fire in his wake,

For this Zairian brat.

MIDDLE BIT

He’ll be overthrown ideally,

In Kinshasa by a more liberal team;

He speaks in poor French and Swahili,

Liked Ceausescu and reads Machiavelli,

He’s a Zairian brat.

VERSE 3

So this chief Mobutu Sese Seko,

Is an African man we should watch;

With his glass of pink Champagne in Belgian Congo,

He’s completely lost touch.

Since the sanctions came he’s not been the same,

‘Cos he knows he ought to be afraid;

Katanga, Zabanga, and he’s thrown over,

But for now he’s going to stay,

In Zaire of the brat.

Zaire of the brat.

I tried an update of this lyric, dated 23 May 1997, which I’m pretty sure also remained unused in NewsRevue:

ZAIRE OF THE BRATS
(To the Tune of “The Year Of The Cat”)

VERSE 1

Like an extra from a James Bond movie,
In a toque made of pure leopard’s skin;
He goes strolling through the crowds like Butelesi,
Contemplating a sin.
Now his name’s Mobutu and he don’t like Hutus,
Or Tutsis in his land of strife;
Don’t bother asking for resignations,
Thinks he’s President for life,
In Zaire of the brat.

VERSE 2

In Kinshasa people don’t ask questions,
They just pray that a change leads to peace;
Despite the rise of AIDS and such infections,
Amongst the poor Congolese.
Laurent Kabila is a wheeler dealer,
Let us hope he’s not a big mistake;
Off goes Mobutu with his prostate cancer,
Leaving fire in his wake,
In Zaire of the brats.

MIDDLE BIT

He’s been overthrown ideally,
In Kinshasa by Kabila and crew;
Who speak in English and Swahili,
Like Ceausescu and read Machiavelli,
Just more Zairean brats?

VERSE 3

So this chief Mobutu Sese Seko,
Is an African man on the skids;
With his glass of pink Champagne now in Morocco,
He’s not got long to live.
With his cancer such a pain in the crutch,
Perhaps a victim of a voodoo curse;
Katanga, Zabanga, and he’s thrown over,
For better or for worse,
In Zaire of the brats.
Zaire of the brats.

Below is a very good live vid of Al Stewart singing “Year Of The Cat”:

Click here to read the lyrics of Year Of The Cat.

I’m pretty sure this one wasn’t used and I’m pretty sure that it’s lack of performance makes sense.

It reads better than it sings…

…and it doesn’t read all that well.

In later years, ideas of this kind, which flatter to deceive when they first come to mind, would sit on the jotter for years or for ever with just a few key words waiting for inspiration.

YOUNG ROGUES

(To the Tune of “Young Girl”)

 

INTRO – PC PLOD

Young rogues, offend all the time, delinquency is Britain’s top crime;

Tory old fogues will punish young rogues.

 

VERSE 1 – A TORY MINISTER (e.g. THE PM)

With all the charms of Atilla,

We’ve bred the outcasts of our youth;

We Tories do believe a short sharp shock behind the lock,

Will make these youngsters less uncouth.

 

CHORUS 1 – STILL THE TORY

Oh, oh, oh, young rogues, have got out of line,

We’ll build secure homes for them to serve time;

Read the Sun rogues, we should hang young rogues.

 

VERSE 2 – AN ANGLICAN MINISTER

Beneath their striped shirts and face masks,

They just are babies in disguise;

And as we know Tory policy is villainy,

The clergy wants to sympathise.

 

CHORUS 2 – STILL THE SOFT ANGLICAN

Oh, oh, oh, young rogues, are misunderstood,

And God believes all villains are good,

So have fun rogues, we forgive young rogues.

 

VERSE 3 – BACK TO THE PLOD

We take kids home to their mamas,

Who don’t care where their children are;

We want the law to make parents pay for kids affray,

Cos their misdeeds are down to pa.

 

CHORUS 3 – ALL THREE

Oh, oh, oh, young rogues, and juvenile crime,

We always claim “getting worse at this time”,

We can’t unfurl, the cause of young rogues.

Young rogues must follow our lead,

We teach them conflict, we teach them greed,

Do our dung vogues inspire the young rogues?

Below is a vid of Gary Puckett and the Union gap singing Young Girl:

Click here for the lyrics of Young Girl.

This will read like the weirdest lyric on earth without context, not least because, at the time of writing more than 25 years later (March 2018), Rolf Harris is mostly remembered for sex crimes.

But in February 1993, his “crime against music” was to record Stairway To Heaven in a jolly didgeridoo stylee – as reported in the Independent – click here.

Hence my lyric, which I don’t think was used much, if at all:

TWO LITTLE BOYS

(A Quickie to the Tune of “Stairway To Heaven”)

 

(This should emulate the Led Zeppelin sound as mush as possible, with the gentle guitar intro and a Robert Plant sound to the voice).

 

There were two little boys,

Who had two little toys;

And they each had a wooden horse.

 

And they both gaily played,

On those bright summer days;

They were warriors both of course.

 

(Getting increasingly angry – possibly even wielding a weapon at the end of the refrain)

 

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr,

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr;

And Rolf’s finding a sure way to heaven.

In case there is anyone reading this who doesn’t know what Stairway To Heaven sounds like…below is an embedded vid of Led Zeppelin doing their thing live:

I can’t imagine why these weren’t used…

…oh, all right, I can imagine why they weren’t used.

At least they don’t exactly date.

                                                  IF I HAD A …..

(A running gag of quickies to the Tune of “If I had a Hammer”)

Guitarist gently strums the pleasant riff from this song.

He encourages the audience to sing along with him on the oohh oohhs each time.

 

QUICKIE 1 – STAMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a stammer,

I’d stammer in the morning,

I’d s s s s s s;

 

QUICKIE 2 – HAMMOCK

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a hammock,

I’d (snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

 

QUICKIE 3 – WHAMMER (not for children or people of a nervous disposition)

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a whammer,

I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the morning,

I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the evening,

All over this hand.

 

QUICKIE 4 – HUMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I were a hummer,

I’d hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,

Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,

Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.

 

QUICKIE 5 – GRAMMAR

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had no grammar,

I’d in the morning grammar,

I’d evening in the grammar…..(ends in confusion)

 

THAT’S ENOUGH “IF I HAD A…..” QUICKIES

Here and below is Trini Lopez singing If I Had A hammer – click through here to see the lyrics too:

I seem to remember this one doing rather well in NewsRevue, but more in terms of its component parts being recycled than as a coherent whole…

…perhaps that’s because the medley is not much of a coherent whole, while the component parts are pretty good:

                                TOP OF THE POPS FINANCE/BUDGET SPECIAL

(A medley of songs and chart rundown for the 1993 Economy)

 

GORDON BROWN

(To the Tune of “Golden Brown”)

VERSE 1

Gordon Brown, Labour’s first son,

Scottish brogue, like a Glasweigan;

Throughout the weeks, talks through his cheeks,

Speaker may drown, with Gordon Brown.

VERSE 2

Gordon Brown, shadow finance,

Hates Lamont’s monetary stance;

Don’t reinflate, low interest rate,

Uniform pound, from Gordon Brown.

VERSE 3

Gordon Brown, thick wavy hair,

Don’t confuse, him with Tony Blair;

Fat cheeks and jowls, he always scowls,

‘cept when he frowns, that’s Gordon Brown.

(Optional fade out, as in original, “Never a clown, with Gordon Brown”)

 

CHART RUNDOWN – (CHOOSE YOUR OWN DJ)

What a simply sensational sound that is, at number seven, the Economic Stranglers with Gordon Brown.  And now, here is the rundown of the rest of this week’s Top of The Pops Finance/Budget charts:

At number 6 we have a double A side from Shalamar, “Take That to the Bank of England” and “I owe you one-hundred-billion”

Down to number 5 we have “Money’s Too Tight To Mention” from Simply In The Red

Still moving up, at number 4 is “Busy Doing Nothing” by over three million people and rising

For the 30th week running at number 3 “Float on” by E.R.M.

Still at number 2 (but only just) is “You Won’t Find Another Fool Like Me” by Norman Lamont

And this weeks new number one is Jolted John by Jolted John Major

 

JOLTED JOHN

(To the Tune of “Jilted John”)

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

I’ve a podgy thick chancellor, his name is Norman,

Has a face that could crack glass, just like Teressa Gorman.

(And this is what he said)

VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR

He said listen John, we’ve fucked up, I can’t get no more money,

We can’t put up income tax, so we must raise more VAT.

(I asked him some considerably difficult questions at this juncture)

VERSE 3 – JOHN MAJOR

Who won’t lend us money? “IMF” was his reply,

“Not more cuts” I said dismayed, “Yes, we’ll need more cuts” he cried.

(He’s more of a heartless bastard than I’ll ever be, I was not inconsiderably upset, oh yes)

VERSE 4 – JOHN MAJOR

I was so upset that I cried all the way to the parliament,

When I came out there was Gordon standing on the pavement.

(That’s Gordon Brown, the shadow chancellor.  And guess who was with him?  Yeh, Margaret Beckett.  And they were both laughing at me.)

VERSE 5 – GORDON BROWN AND MARGARET BECKETT (perhaps with audience participation)

Oh you are dumb and spineless, to not pack in Norman,

Just cos you’ve no-one better than he, just cos you both are friendly.

But we know he’s a moron, (Norman is a moron, Norman is a moron, Norman is a moron).

Click here or watch below a video with Golden Brown by the Stranglers. If you click here, you can read their lyrics too:

Click here or below for a video of Jilted John:

If you want the lyrics for Jilted John – click here.