Not much in Janie’s and my diaries for Janiary 1993 other than work and stuff, although I am pretty sure that we were spending most weekend time together by then.
I guess we were starting down the road of being people with whom we could do nothing together.
I did a couple of bridge and bookwriting sessions without Janie. Janie seemed to have given up on French lessons by the start of 1993 but was still taking Saturday work and going to the odd chiropody meeting.
On Sunday 17 January, although there is nothing in my diary, Janie has a whole load of notes about Steve Bright’s attempt to repair one of my reel-to-reel tape recorders. We must have been together for that.
The following weekend Janie notes that Ros was coming on the Sunday and I am pretty sure I first met Ros then.
“Two years ago you met a mystic woman named Ros.” “You can tell all that from the coffee grounds? Amazing!”
We went to Kim and Micky’s for dinner on that Tuesday evening (26 January).
On Saturday 30 January Janie and I schlepped out to Wallington to Paul James’s place for a party at his house. Paul was one of the Binder Hamlyn Management Consultancy partners and I remember being surprised to be invited, although I was doing a tiny bit of work with him at that time.
I seem to recall Janie quite enjoying the party but not to the extent that justified the schlep to Wallington.
I’m not sure what gossip columnist Marjorie Proops did or had done to her in January 1993 – must have been something in the press – just gossip I think, about her having an affair with a relative youngster. She survived until late 1996.
Anyway, here is my lyric, which I don’t think made it to the show. The show was awash with my material at that time anyway.
Neat little lyric, though.
MARJE PROOPS
(To the Tune of “High Hopes”)
VERSE 1
If you want vice at a newspaper price,
There’s a lot to be learned so seek advice.
Just what made that youthful gallant,
Want to thrill an agony aunt;
Anyone knows a gallant can’t,
Move an agony aunt.
CHORUS 1
But he had Marje Proops,
He had Marje Proops,
He had back of a barge, nose too large Proops.
So if you’re reading a solemn,
Agony column,
Just recall that gallant.
Oops there goes another agony aunt,
{Oops there goes another agony aunt,}
Oops there goes another agony aunt.
VERSE 2
When troubles fall and your back’s to the wall,
There are lots of advisors that you can call.
Once there was an elderly vamp,
Wanted fun with a juvenile scamp,
That youngster made his damp stamp,
On the elderly vamp.
CHORUS 2
Cos he had Marje Proops,
He had Marje Proops,
He had light brigade charge, specs too large Proops.
Back to Marje Proops – I remember people at school teasing me that my mum looked like Marje Proops – I think it was mostly the cruel spectacles to be honest>
The following letter was written the day after the opening night. I’ll up the songs referred to therein as soon as I am able:
22 January 1993
Dear Mark
Congratulations on a grand opening night. I enjoyed the show very much and get the feeling that the other writers felt the same. Please pass on my felicitations to the team.
I promised you some comments (hopefully constructive ones) once I had sobered up so here they are. These you may take or bin.
FEMIDOM
I think this song would go down better later in the show (once more people are more drunk). Consider “Coal Digger” or “Prince Charlie” as the warm up number. The metre baffled me. For what it’s worth – here is the metre I intended and tested thoroughly (to rigorous BS5750 standards etc):
Loving you is so fantastic, inside a Femidom,
With your coat of thermoplastic, known as the Femidom;
This vaginal{this vaginal} polyvinyl{polyvinyl},
Is an artificial con,
Little darling let’s bonk and tonk, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}
We only bought the one, because the price is so steep,
By the time you got it on, I’d long since gone off to sleep; etc etc
WHITE HOUSE
Seemed a bit static – consider bringing the other rednecks on once they are mentioned – to create a bit more movement. This is actually a very difficult song and you did it surprisingly well.
SLOBIDANS ARMY
Also a very difficult song – I thought the delivery was excellent. I don’t really think the audience is supposed to laugh much until the last few lines – they should be half wanting to laugh and half thinking how awful it all is. That balance came across very well I felt. Consider substituting Sudan for Iran at the end as it has just hit the news this morning.
COAL DIGGER
Well done! I’d like you to think about the metre on the following lines as the joke is lost unless it is right.
And the miners all – know they’ve been pissed on,
Cos the mining in-dustry’s gone.
MICHAEL JACKSON
Total triumph – very pleased with this one. “There are people starving but I’m the last one laughing,” ended up negative somehow but otherwise I cannot imagine it being done better.
Hope all this helps – and its tough if it doesn’t help.
Well done once again to you all – look forward to seeing you soon.
I wrote my version during the metaphorical-interregnum between George H Bush and Bill Clinton.
It returns to my mind at the time of writing this (November 2016) with some trepidation while we await Donald Trump’s succession from Barack Obama. Oh dear.
I wrote a more substantial update 11 October 1994:
SO LONG MA’AM – AUTUMN 1994 REMIX
(To the Tune of “So Long Mom”)
CHORUS 1
So long Ma’am,
I’m off to bomb Saddam,
So don’t wait up for me;
And while he’ll swelter,
In his air raid shelter,
Baghdad will be,
A pile of debris.
Saddam’s aggressive malarkey,
Means we shall slaughter Iraqis,
We don’t mind killing poor darkies,
To get our point across;
He’s upset Kuwait and massed his forces,
Which has made Bill Clinton very cross (yeh).
VERSE
Bill Jefferson Clinton is the US Pressie,
And no frightened Jesse is he;
He and pal Al Gore drew up a massive hit list,
Forget pacifist,
Tendencies;
Bill is now making his mark,
Annihilating Iraq.
CHORUS 2
So long Ma’am,
I’m off to bomb Saddam,
So don’t wait up for me.
Perhaps I shall use,
Tornado or cruise,
But don’t take offence,
This is self defence.
Now Bill is smoking less pot,
He’d like to kill a despot,
So blanket bomb the best spot,
Within our range and space;
Annul Saddam then come back once over,
When another loony takes his place.
Indeed Harold had told me that Sammy Cahn was impressed by my parody lyrics and had suggested that I try writing some original lyrics as my next move…which apparently had been the route (from parody to witty originality) that Sammy Cahn himself took as a youngster.
Whether that idea really did come from Sammy or was more Harold’s own thinking is lost in ancient history.
Harold had also told me that Frank Sinatra hated My Way, simply because he didn’t like the song…
…and that Sammy Cahn hated the fact that people tended to assume that he had written the lyrics to My Way, whereas it really isn’t his kind of lyric at all.
So in truth, this obituary lyric of mine was a bit of an in joke, which is why it probably never saw the light of day in public – I don’t think NewsRevue used it even in the week of his death.
I suspect this lyric did raise a quiet smile or more among “the in crowd” though, when Harold shared it with his pals. Re-reading it for the first time in ages, 25 years after writing it, I still like it.
SAMMY CAHN OBITUARY SONG
(To the Tune of “My Way”)
VERSE 1
And now the end is here, and so I’ll darn a final lyric;
My friends, I’ll say it clear, that Sammy Cahn’s verse was satyric;
He liked pianos grand, he used a Bechstein and a Steinway,
And yet that Sammy Cahn, did not write “My Way”.
VERSE 2
I’ve heard this song before, I have high hopes it’s magic will pay;
Saturday night, teach me tonight, time after time I’ll go all the way;
Sam didn’t write “My Way”, the words are by some other wanker,
Jul-e Styne or Hammerstein? (thinks for a moment…….sudden flash of light)
This was probably my most successful NewsRevue song of all. It ran for months; perhaps even years and found its way into several “best of” runs, and some other shows. Ben Murphy recorded it and I seem to recall Jacqui Somerville taking it to German Radio.
But I never saw a penny for it myself, as I assigned the intellectual property rights to Save The Children as soon as I wrote it.
Anyway, I am proud of my lyrics (below) and very pleased that they earned Save The Children more than a few quid.
Below is the Ben Murphy recording of the lyric from his album “Cover Of The Rolling Stone”. The preamble and conversational bit in the middle is Ben’s alone.
♬ BETTER FACE ♬
(To the Tune of “Heal The World”)
VERSE 1
There’s a mug that you see on your TV frequently,
‘Though I look differently I’m Michael Jackson;
It may be a surprise ‘cos you may not recognise,
The new bits that my plastic surgeon tacks on.
I may have a face lift, a nose job or a skin shift,
To have a better face and a different race.
CHORUS 1
Every year, I’m gonna have a better face,
Both my eyes and my nose will be in a different place;
Now my cheeks need grouting,
And my lips have been fixed pouting,
It’s the strangest face that you’ve ever seen.
VERSE 2
The third world’s misery to the music industry,
Is the best chance we have to make a living;
War and famine is sad but it doesn’t seem as bad,
When you’re taking much more than you are giving.
There are people starving but I’m the last one laughing,
I’ll get a better place in the record race.
CHORUS 2
In the charts, I’m gonna get a better place,
Discs of gold and platinum are added to my case;
‘Though the poor are dying,
I’m not the one who’s crying,
It’s the best chart place that I’ve had for years.
The following list is titled “Bowden”. Based on subsequent correspondence and what is left of my memory, I think this went to a director named Mark Bowden, who took a particular shine to my songs.
