Author: Ian Louis Harris

I can’t imagine why these weren’t used…

…oh, all right, I can imagine why they weren’t used.

At least they don’t exactly date.

                                                  IF I HAD A …..

(A running gag of quickies to the Tune of “If I had a Hammer”)

Guitarist gently strums the pleasant riff from this song.

He encourages the audience to sing along with him on the oohh oohhs each time.

 

QUICKIE 1 – STAMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a stammer,

I’d stammer in the morning,

I’d s s s s s s;

 

QUICKIE 2 – HAMMOCK

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a hammock,

I’d (snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

 

QUICKIE 3 – WHAMMER (not for children or people of a nervous disposition)

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had a whammer,

I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the morning,

I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the evening,

All over this hand.

 

QUICKIE 4 – HUMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I were a hummer,

I’d hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,

Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,

Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.

 

QUICKIE 5 – GRAMMAR

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;

If I had no grammar,

I’d in the morning grammar,

I’d evening in the grammar…..(ends in confusion)

 

THAT’S ENOUGH “IF I HAD A…..” QUICKIES

Here and below is Trini Lopez singing If I Had A hammer – click through here to see the lyrics too:

I seem to remember this one doing rather well in NewsRevue, but more in terms of its component parts being recycled than as a coherent whole…

…perhaps that’s because the medley is not much of a coherent whole, while the component parts are pretty good:

                                TOP OF THE POPS FINANCE/BUDGET SPECIAL

(A medley of songs and chart rundown for the 1993 Economy)

 

GORDON BROWN

(To the Tune of “Golden Brown”)

VERSE 1

Gordon Brown, Labour’s first son,

Scottish brogue, like a Glasweigan;

Throughout the weeks, talks through his cheeks,

Speaker may drown, with Gordon Brown.

VERSE 2

Gordon Brown, shadow finance,

Hates Lamont’s monetary stance;

Don’t reinflate, low interest rate,

Uniform pound, from Gordon Brown.

VERSE 3

Gordon Brown, thick wavy hair,

Don’t confuse, him with Tony Blair;

Fat cheeks and jowls, he always scowls,

‘cept when he frowns, that’s Gordon Brown.

(Optional fade out, as in original, “Never a clown, with Gordon Brown”)

 

CHART RUNDOWN – (CHOOSE YOUR OWN DJ)

What a simply sensational sound that is, at number seven, the Economic Stranglers with Gordon Brown.  And now, here is the rundown of the rest of this week’s Top of The Pops Finance/Budget charts:

At number 6 we have a double A side from Shalamar, “Take That to the Bank of England” and “I owe you one-hundred-billion”

Down to number 5 we have “Money’s Too Tight To Mention” from Simply In The Red

Still moving up, at number 4 is “Busy Doing Nothing” by over three million people and rising

For the 30th week running at number 3 “Float on” by E.R.M.

Still at number 2 (but only just) is “You Won’t Find Another Fool Like Me” by Norman Lamont

And this weeks new number one is Jolted John by Jolted John Major

 

JOLTED JOHN

(To the Tune of “Jilted John”)

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

I’ve a podgy thick chancellor, his name is Norman,

Has a face that could crack glass, just like Teressa Gorman.

(And this is what he said)

VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR

He said listen John, we’ve fucked up, I can’t get no more money,

We can’t put up income tax, so we must raise more VAT.

(I asked him some considerably difficult questions at this juncture)

VERSE 3 – JOHN MAJOR

Who won’t lend us money? “IMF” was his reply,

“Not more cuts” I said dismayed, “Yes, we’ll need more cuts” he cried.

(He’s more of a heartless bastard than I’ll ever be, I was not inconsiderably upset, oh yes)

VERSE 4 – JOHN MAJOR

I was so upset that I cried all the way to the parliament,

When I came out there was Gordon standing on the pavement.

(That’s Gordon Brown, the shadow chancellor.  And guess who was with him?  Yeh, Margaret Beckett.  And they were both laughing at me.)

VERSE 5 – GORDON BROWN AND MARGARET BECKETT (perhaps with audience participation)

Oh you are dumb and spineless, to not pack in Norman,

Just cos you’ve no-one better than he, just cos you both are friendly.

But we know he’s a moron, (Norman is a moron, Norman is a moron, Norman is a moron).

Click here or watch below a video with Golden Brown by the Stranglers. If you click here, you can read their lyrics too:

Click here or below for a video of Jilted John:

If you want the lyrics for Jilted John – click here.

Some Hamas forces got stuck out on some Lebanese hills on the borders with Israel…

…I know what you are thinking…this is not an easy subject for comedy. You are right and I was wrong.

But I had a reasonable go at it and it has balance. Writing now, 25 years later, I am proud of this lyric, even though it didn’t make the show. I remember Janie really liked it at the time…that mattered.

DON’T LEAVE US THIS SPACE

(To the Tune of “Don’t Leave Me This Way”)

 

INTRO – SUNG “MECCA” STYLE

Ay, ay ay ay ay ay ay, ay ay ay ay ay, ay ay

 

VERSE 1

Don’t leave us this space,

We can’t survive, can’t stay alive,

In Lebanon;

Don’t leave us this place,

We can’t exist, fundamentalist, Islamisists,

Don’t leave us this space.

 

CHORUS 1

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-amas,

Israeli soldiers burst in to grab us,

Cos they believe we’re causing Arab fuss,

They exiled us out to South Lebanon,

They say Israel has got a Jihad ban on,

So listen to Abdul Aziz Rantisi,

Now only Yizhak Rabin can set us free, {set us free, set us free}

 

VERSE 2

Don’t leave us this space,

We just can’t stand, this no man’s land,

With ice and breeze;

Don’t leave us this place,

In these harsh climbs, Sir Ranulph Finnes,

Would also freeze,

Don’t leave us this place.

 

CHORUS 2

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-shwari,

Has won around Boutros Boutros-Ghali,

She’s the Palestinian Mata-Hari,

Four hundred of us want reparations,

With the help of the United Nations,

But Israel won’t return us to Palestine,

Despite Resolution 799 {799, 799}.

 

OUTRO – DANCE OFF STAGE SINGING

Please let my people go, let my people go.

Here is a vid of Themla Houston belting Don’t Leave Me This Way:

…and here is a link to Thelma’s lyrics.

Genetic engineering has been in the news, on and off, for a heck of a long time. e.g. 25 years ago at the time of writing (February 2018).

I wrote this very ambitious lyric for NewsRevue back then.

I mistakenly didn’t think it had been used – the show was chock full of my songs at that time anyhow and I wrote this early in a new run.

Normally a song needed to be spectacularly good to displace established material.

I don’t think this is spectacular, but there are some good lines in there, though I say so myself…

…and Mark Bowden and his cast seemed to like my stuff a lot. Anyway, you can judge for yourselves:

MATING A BULL WITH A HEFFER

(To the Tune of “Stairway to Heaven”)

 

VERSE 1

There are breeders who show X and Y Chromosomes,

And they’re mating a bull with a heffer;

The sperm’s sex they confirm just by dying the sperm,

And dividing a pair with electrons.

Ooohhh, ooohhh, and they’re finding a fair way to sex them.

 

VERSE 2

Now the ladys who know fertilise in vitro,

With a polymerase chain reaction;

The girls check on the sex of the sprog that’s due next,

But their fellows miss out on the action.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, whooohhh is going to fund ‘er?

 

MIDDLE BIT ONE

Once they have dyed and charged the sperm up, in a tea cup,

I’m gonna put my new blue genes on;

But this genetic engineering has me fearing,

If this world is still where I belong.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, ooohhh suppose they blunder:

 

MIDDLE BIT TWO

They’ll cross a mussel with a hedgehog, you’ll hear alarm bells,

Now Sonic plays DNA games;

Led Zeppelin’s lyrics are pretentious, and if you’re drunk,

You may imagine that their words rhyme.

 

CLIMAX

And once they’re further down the road,

Geneticists will write a tome,

Then buy and sell genetic code,

Cos they will know human genome,

And once the scheme of youth is sold,

We’ll live to be ten thousand old,

And once our aging process’ slowed,

We’ll spawn a twenty legg-ed toad,

French restaurants will buy a load.

And they’re breeding a pear with a head on.

(Lead singer holds up a grotesque effigy which is a talking doll covered with a large plastic pear.  The doll says “Mama” and the lights blackout)

Here is a vid of Led Zeppelin performing Stairway To Heaven, with lyrics: