Category: Writing (my writing)

Terrible forest fires in South East Asia is not really a funny subject and slow numbers don’t usually work in NewsRevue, but somehow this one did work and I recall it went down very well in the show.

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR ISLES
(To the Tune of “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”)

VERSE 1

They asked me if I knew,
Why Sumatra’s stewed;
I of course replied,
Once a forest’s died,
It cannot be deep fried. (oh no).

VERSE 2

In archipelagos,
Each must hold their nose;
Through the forest fires,
Indonesia riles,
Smoke gets in your isles.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Those Malays,
All want to go away,
As none of them can breath now;
In the main,
Don’t take Garuda planes,
Because they cannot fly now.

VERSE 3

Those clouds will drift and go,
To Northern Borneo;
Through the darkened sky,
How that smog will fly,
Smoke gets in Brunei.

VERSE 4

This smog will run amok,
Soon to reach Bangkok;
Thailand, you’ve surmised,
Punchline’s no surprise,
Smoke gets in your Thais.

Below is a video with The Platters singing Smoke Gets In Your Eyes, with the lyrics on the screen:

I remember that this one was used and I remember that it amused several of the regular NewsRevue writers (as well as, hopefully, the audience). It’s an “aftermath of volcano eruption” story, basically.

MONSERRAT
(To the Tune of “Monster Mash”)

 

VERSE 1

I was walking down the street in a Leeward Isle,
When I saw a huge eruption in New Labour’s style;
Something hot was smouldering in southern ports,
Robin Cook was rowing with his muse, Claire Short.

CHORUS 1

She is a bat,
(Down in Monserrat);
In Monserrat,
(It’s a New Labour spat),
In Monserrat,
(Down in Monserrat)
In Monserrat
(It was in Monserrat)

VERSE 2

Ancient rocks descended on the Albert Hall,
Elton, Sting, Phil Collins, Ringo, George and Paul;
Many paid a hundred, others paid yet more,
Tho’ no-one left on Monserrat is faintly poor.

CHORUS 2

They passed the hat,
(Round for Monserrat);
For Monserrat,
(Now that the ground’s less flat);
Volcano’s shat,
(All over Monserrat),
It’s Monserrat,
(Oh Fuck Monserrat!!)

 

Below is a video of Bobby “Boris” Pickett singing The Monster Mash:

Click here for the lyrics to The Monster Mash.

Princess Diana’s untimely death was not good news for topical satire. My classic lyric, She Ain’t Heavy She’s Bulimic, which had run in the show for much of the preceding four years, died along with Di and Dodi.

It was nigh on impossible to write anything that even touched on the topic which could get into the show…the following lyric being no exception. I felt at the time that Elton John’s Diana version of Candle in the Wind was a bit of a cash in on the tragedy, but it was not an idea ripe for the show at that time. Reads interesting now, 20+ years later.

VULTURE IN THE WIND
(To the Tune of “Candle in the Wind”)

VERSE 1

Goodbye Elton John,
Tho’ you ought to be long gone,
Or even near forgotten, like Kajagoogoo or The Darts;
You crawled out of the woodwork,
You made your comeback just at the time,
That your career was flagging,
Like a eunuch’s poor spare part.

CHORUS 1

But it seems to me, you live your life,
Like a vulture in the wind;
Writing clichés at the death scene,
With Bernie Taupin;
Can’t escape your tinkled ivories across England’s verdant hills,
You sound like Richard Clayderman,
Or even Mrs Mills.

(Piano flourish and BLACKOUT)

Below is a video of Elton John singing Candle In The Wind with the lyrics on the screen.

Scottish devolution, eh? A bit like Euroscepticism; a gift that keeps on giving for satirists and a pain in the butt for politicians. 

I’m not sure if this quickie was ever used. 

DEVOLUTION QUICKIE
(To the Tune of “The Bonnie Bonnie banks of Loch Lomand”)

 

INTRO

And now, a referendum broadcast on behalf of the Scottish Nationalist Party.

CHORUS 1

You take the Welsh poll,
But we’ll take the Scots poll,
And get devolution before ye;
Then we in West Lothian,
Will never vote again,
For that bloody Tony Banks,
And Mo Mowlem.

 

Below is a nice video recording of The Bonnie Banks, with the lyrics on the screen: