Writing (my writing) – Page 53

Scarborough Cliffs/Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Cliff Face, NewsRevue & Ben Murphy Lyrics, 6 June 1993

The day before I wrote these lyrics, a large chunk of a Scarborough Hotel, Holbeck Hall, fell from the top of the cliffs into the sea, as a result of coastal erosion.

This seemed like good material for topical satire; which it was.

The first part of the lyric, the Scarborough Fair bit, was not much used, but the second part of the lyric ran in NewsRevue for some time and was recorded by Ben Murphy on his album that summer; click below:

SCARBOROUGH CLIFFS

(To the Tune of “Scarborough Fair”)

VERSE 1

Are you going to Scarborough cliffs?
Strawberry jam, whipped cream, scones and tea;
The eastern coast has started to shift,
Scarborough’s falling into the sea.

VERSE 2

Tell her to find me a Chippendale chair,
Walnut, oak, ebony or teak;
Now Holbeck Hall has laid itself bare,
She may catch a falling antique.

VERSE 3

Beautiful paintings are now on the skids,
Renoir fakes, Picasso and Freud;
One genuine worth thousands of quid,
In the struggle may be destroyed.

VERSE 4

Through the soil where once flowers bloomed,
Scavenge greedy bastards below;
You’ll see the folk who were not entombed,
Next week on the Antiques Road Show.

OH I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE CLIFF FACE
(To The Tune Of “Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside”)

Oh I do like to be beside the cliff face,
Oh I do like to be beside the sea;
Oh I do like to watch the bits of Holbeck Hall,
Crumble away and fall till it’s not there at all.

Just bury me beside the cliff face,
I’ll be impaled by cutlery;
Then a Chippendale bedstead will descend onto my head,
Beside the cliff face,
Beside the sea.

Below is Simon and Garfunkel’s recording of Scarborough Fair:

Below is the original recording of Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside by Mark Sheridan, from 1909. The chorus starts around the 48 second mark:

https://youtu.be/KyFniXdqsQQ

Sex In My Anorak by John Random & Others (Including Me), Opening Night, Canal Cafe Theatre, 2 June 1993

Janie joined me (and I’m sure quite a few of my NewsRevue writer friends) for the opening night of this show, conceived by John Random.

I think the idea of it was to be a showcase for revue material that John and others of us sometimes wrote that was not ideally suited to the topical NewsRevue show.

I have a couple of pieces of paper about the show, one of which tells me that I forked out some dosh to angel the show.

I cannot remember how much, if any, of that cash came back to me. John might have information on’t.

Here’s the other artifact, which was a sort of interim newsletter which also gives some clues as to the conceit (if that is the right word) of the show.

I also cannot remember how many, if any, of my lyrics found their way into this show.

In fact, the item I remember most clearly about this show is an idea that John in the end didn’t use, which was the idea of performing Spike Jones’s version of the Hawaiian War Chant live.

It would have been wicked hard to stage well with four performers and one pianist. But John and I both still regret that the idea got…as it were…spiked.

I do remember one of John’s numbers, which I think was the closing number, named Living In A Cliche, which was a spoof of Bon Jovi’s Livin’ On A Prayer.

Gosh, yes, that track is simply asking for the John Bon Random treatment.

I wonder whether John still has running orders and/or other materials pertaining to Sex In My Anorak. I do remember thinking the show was rather good.

Postscript: a few months ago we had a discussion about this show and also about Bish Bash Bosh on Facebook in the NewsRevue group – click here for link. Nick R Thomas in particular remembered some interesting stuff about Anorak:

I had a co-written sketch about cats. If I remember correctly, the sketch I wrote with Bournemouth writer Gary Mitchell was about the Cats Protection League actually being a protection racket run by cats.
John had a wonderful running song sketch throughout based on 2Unlimited but featuring nuns, eg “No no, no-no no no, no-no no no, no-no sex before marriage”.

Come to think of it, this No Limit number was also simply asking for the 2Johnlimited Random treatment.

Norman The Chancellor, Topical Lyric, 30 May 1993

I cannot recall whether or not my January 1992 sardonic song about Norman Lamont was ever performed in NewsRevue.

But this one, when he resigned in May 1993, was a feature of the show for some time and I think went to Edinburgh that summer too. It has a nice political knockabout quality to it.

Strangely, I don’t think there were, in May 1993, confirmed rumours that Norman was going to score City directorships in a hurry; I was supposing. But by September he had joined the Board of NM Rothchild and I wrote a rather pointed update to my lyrics that autumn, click here to see those, which extended its shelf life.

The tune is the well-known children’s song, Nellie the Elephant:

Here’s the original May 1993 version of my lyrics:

♬ NORMAN THE CHANCELLOR ♬

(To the Tune of “Nellie The Elephant”)

VERSE

One grey day,

A cabinet shuffle came;

The people said they were badly lead,

And Norman got the blame.

John may say,

He offered environment;

But Norman’s sights were on greater heights,

So he left in discontent.

CHORUS

Oh,

Norman the Chancellor packed his punch,

And said goodbye to John’s circus;

Off he went in a grumpety grump, grump, grump, grump.

Norman the Chancellor did some lunch,

And said hello to the city;

He’ll get rich in the slumpety slump, slump, slump, slump.

MIDDLE BIT

Directorships were calling far far away,

He stopped and bought,

His cigars and port,

In a Threshers on the way.

OUTRO

So,

Norman the Chancellor left the bunch,

To slag them off in his memoirs;

Griping that he was dumpety dump,

Dump,

Dump,

Dumped.

Bagels In The Morning, NewsRevue Lyric, 29 May 1993

This was a rewrite of one of my earliest comedy lyrics.

Bagels In The Morning, Comedy Lyric, 7 June 1991

The original was generic, but the rewrite was intended for NewsRevue – in honour of Barbra Streisand’s much publicised affair with Andre Agassi, which Agassi at one time described as “like wearing hot lava”.

I don’t think this lyric was ever used in the show.

BAGELS IN THE MORNING – VERSION TWO
(To the Tune of “Angel of the Morning”)

VERSE 1 – BARBARA STREISAND

You tell me I am your princess,
And Barbara Streisand’s all the rage;
You, Andre, fell for my caress,
Despite the fact I’m twice your age.

Our love affair is so audacious,
That when I wake up I’m voracious.

CHORUS 1 – BARBARA STREISAND

Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
Go fetch me lox with smooth cream cheese,
Go fetch me bagels in the morning,
I’ve conquered Andre Agassi.

VERSE 2 – ANDRE AGASSI AND BARBARA STREISAND

ANDRE:You were a less assertive catch,
When we met at the Open;
I courted you game set and match,

BARBARA:With fumbling and gropin’.

In your virility I trusted,
But you didn’t cut the mustard.

CHORUS 2 – ANDRE AGASSI

ANDRE:I’ll need some new balls in the morning,
I need to work on my forehand;
My only service ace this morning,
Is bringing bagels for Streisand.

BARBARA:Some with seeds and onions,

CHORUS 3 – BARBARA STREISAND {AND ANDRE AGASSI IN HARMONY}

Go fetch me bagels in the morning, {I’ll fetch her bagels in the morning}
Go fetch me lox with smooth cream cheese, {I’ll fetch her….}
Go fetch me bagels in the morning, {I’ll fetch her bagels in the morning}

ANDRE:This cow’s impossible to please.

I demonstrated a suitable tune on the 1991 version with PP Arnold’s rendition of Angel Of The Morning. Here is Juice Newton’s rendition of the same song:

Car Maker Burana, NewsRevue Lyric, 24 May 1993

I watched very little television in those days – I had no TV at the flat from the summer of 1990 until towards the end of that decade. I did see some TV at Janie’s place and at the gym, though – clearly the amount of advertising dedicated to selling cars made an impression on me.

This lyric did well in NewsRevue – I especially remember Jonathan Linsley liking it – perhaps for its lung-busting quality – perhaps for the out of context thought of chicken korma.

CAR MAKER BURANA

(To the Tune of “O Fortuna” from “Carmina Burana”)

(OPTIONAL ANNOUNCEMENT:And now we proudly present Car Maker Burana by Carl Ott)

INTRO

A fortuna, we’ll spend sooner,

Car makers advertising.

VERSE 1

Ford Mondeo, Renault Clio,

The advert’s saying sod all;

Vauxhall Corsa ads are coarser,

A topless supermodel.

VERSE 2

Fiat Strada, Skoda, Lada,

Don’t advertise on tele;

Ford Fiesta on the tester,

Unleaded is less smelly.

VERSE 3

Austin Metro, Audi Quatro,

Are advertised on posters;

Fiat Tippo, Ford Scorpio,

Both run like roller coasters.

VERSE 4

Swift Suzuki, Honda Pukey,

These rhymes have got remoter;

Nissan Dorma, Chicken Korma,

And that is all for now as we have got to motor.

Technically, the above lyric is version two which was published a couple of months later. The only line that seems to have changed between the two versions is line two of verse one, which started its life as:

The adverts are such twaddle;

A little note for the completists, there.

Postscript: 25+ years after writing Car Maker Burana, I have become more ensconced in the world of early music, both reading about it, playing it and playing about with it. I stumbled across the following essay by my early music teacher, Ian Pittaway, which made me realise that, far from being a modern parodist, I have long been a contrafactist in a tradition dating back hundreds of years.

One song to the tune of another: early music common practice, 800 years before Humph

Not only that, but the specific work I chose to parody…I mean, as my contrafactum…for the Car Maker lyric, is from a 12th/13th century goliardic tradition of just such contrafacta. Go figure.

Anyway, here is a video of O Fortuna from Carl Orff’s Carmina Burana with translation on the screen…

https://youtu.be/AdIpoE2LEps

…and here is Simon Rattle and the Berlin Philharmonic delivering the piece more recently:

While here is a third and slightly weirder version.

https://youtu.be/xdXnZJ6JQOs

President Al, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 May 1993

I rather liked this lyric, but I don’t think it was ever used.

PRESIDENT AL

(To the Tune of “You Can Call Me Al”)

VERSE 1 – CLINTONS

A man in Washington he says,
Why am I soft in the noddle now?
Why am I soft in the noddle when the rest of my team is so bright?
I need a photo opportunity,
I need a lot of attention,
Don’t want to end up a has been in a tax and spend fight.

Bill Clinton, Bill Clinton, ponders there all night,
Far away in the Oval Room,
Hilary Clinton, Hil Clinton has much more ability,
But for now the USA it just won’t boom.

CHORUS 1- CLINTONS

“If you are a feminist,
I can give you jobs” said Bill;
“Wife in charge of health care,
And medical appointments are now made with Hil”.

VERSE 2 – GORES

A man in Washington he says,
“Why am I short of attention?
Get so damned little media attention and my job’s such a bore.
Got my wife beside me,
We stand behind Clinton,
He needs a role model and we are clothes models”,

Gore, Gore, we should be in Hollywood unlike,
Bill’s roly poly little bat faced girl;
And the poor, poor, say we are all star struck,
Can’t decide if we’re decisive enough.

CHORUS 2 – GORES

I look like a bodyguard,
And Tipper is the Clinton’s pal;
And although I’m steady,
I’m ready if I’m called in as President Al,
White House Al.

This lyric works ever so well with the tune of You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon. Dig this vid:

Portillo, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 May 1993

Another lyric that went begging, as far as I can recall.

PORTILLO

(To the Tune of “Tit Willow”)

VERSE 1

In the house at Westminster an abrasive git,
Known as Brillo Portillo Portillo;
Had his hands on the purse strings and talked heaps of shit,
That fellow Portillo Portillo.
Is it weakness of intellect in Michael’s ken,
Or a rather tough line from those Thatcherite men?

PORTILLO:It’s my mindless ambition to reach number ten.

But will-oh Portillo Portillo?

VERSE 2

He planned lots of cuts and he made Tories row,
That is still-oh Portillo Portillo;

PORTILLO:The young and the poor never vote anyhow,

Thus billowed Portillo Portillo.
He sounded like Thatcher, young Mike must’ve seen her,
But from his mouth the policies sounded obscener,

PORTILLO:If they can’t afford pills let the plebs drink Ribena.

That’s shrill-oh Portillo Portillo.

VERSE 3

Now I feel just as sure as I’m sure Gordon Brown,
Tried to grill-oh Portillo Portillo;
That his own over zeal will bring young Michael down,
Sounds brill-oh Portillo Portillo.
He would charge for the pill but we can’t understand,
Why he’d dish out free condoms with the other hand,

PORTILLO:My Mates shares have just gone up eighty-five grand.

Cheap thrill-oh Portillo Portillo.

The above lyric works well to the Tit Willow song from the Mikado:

https://youtu.be/sou331FNeU4

Better The Leader You Know, NewsRevue Lyric, 16 May 1993

This is not one of my better lyrics and I’m pretty sure it never made the show.

BETTER THE LEADER YOU KNOW

(To the Tune of “Better The Devil You Know”)

WOGANESQUE VOICE:Good evening and welcome to the Eurotory leadership contest. The UK jury is definitely out tonight as we go over now to hear this year’s losing entry by the UK Tory Party.

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

One thing about those Tory blues,
They rarely treat their leaders true;
When I do something not quite right,
They’re round with long knives in the night.
It is a chore to be PM,
But the job’s mine and not for them.

CHORUS 1 – STILL JOHN MAJOR

Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t,
Oh yes, oh yes,
I can buy a little time by sacking Lamont,
Oh yes oh yes;
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t.

VERSE 2 – MAGGIE THATCHER

I tell him he’s a wally almost every day,
I’m out of my head or so the brain shrinks say;
He wont assert himself like the real Tory men,
He’s got the key to my place, meaning Number 10.
You know I’ve more spunk than those men,
We’ll junk John then I’ll run again.

CHORUS 2 – MAGGIE THATCHER

Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t,
Ah ha, ah ha,
I can cause a lot of fuss while these new Tories wont,
Ah ha, ah ha.

OUTRO

MAJOR:Don’t chose Portillo,
THATCHER:Or Hestletine;
BOTH:No peccadillos, that job is mine.
Better the leader,
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t.

The above lyrics work to the tune of Better The Devil You Know, which was the UK’s Eurovision entry in 1993. Decide for yourselves whether my lyric or the Eurovision song is more dreadful:

Domestic Fuel, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 May 1993

I think this was one of the best lyrics I wrote for NewsRevue.

It was almost certainly the quickest, in terms of creative process.

The idea for it – based on the government’s imposition of VAT on domestic fuel for the first time in the UK – popped into my head as a Circle Line train approached High Street Kensington. I grabbed a piece of paper from my attache case, boarded the train and started writing.

I was done by the time we arrived at Notting Hill Gate – perhaps 90 seconds later, I still have the piece of paper somewhere – I’ll scan it and add it once I go through that part of my physical archive.

There is also a story attached to my witnessing the song’s first ever performance – a couple of weeks or so later. Keith Wickham was directing the show and I was very keen to attend the opening night; 27 May 1993.

I was in Manchester on business and arranged to leave quite early on the Thursday afternoon to be sure to arrive back in London on time. But I hadn’t accounted for several junctions of the M6 motorway to be a blocked by an accident, which meant hours of traffic jams and diversions.

I remember clearly writing off the idea of going home first…then writing off the idea of eating a proper meal before the show and eventually even writing off the idea of getting a beer and a packet of crisps in before curtain up. I think I drove much too fast once I got past the hazard and was lucky to get to the Canal Cafe Theatre at 20:00 on the dot and in one piece, just in time for curtain up.

I’m pretty sure that the crowning glory of that dash was, for me, to see Domestic Fuel performed and I’m pretty sure it was Rosie Cavaliero who performed it that night – perhaps Keith can confirm or deny.

Anyway, here’s the lyric:

DOMESTIC FUEL

(To the Tune of “Everything I Own”)

VERSE 1 – OLD BIDDY

Fuel sheltered me from harm,

Kept me warm, kept me warm;

Fuel gave my light to me,

‘lec-tric-ly, ‘lec-tric-ly;

But Tory ministers are cruel,

By taxing my domestic fuel.

CHORUS 1 – STILL WITH THE BIDDY

So I must give everything I own,

Give up my light, my hearth, my phone,

And cut my expenses to the bone;

Just to heat my flat again,

And to treat my sore chilblain.

VERSE 2 – A CRUEL TORY

This is someone who’s old,

Decrepit and bold,

Who is taking hand outs for granted;

We shall lose her one day,

Hypothermia, say,

Then there’s one less pension we must pay.

CHORUS 2 – STILL THE CRUEL TORY

(To audience)Cos we have taxed everything you earn,

(To Biddy)Now it’s the old must take their turn,

{BIDDY: eh}

We’ll ignore health and age concern;

{BIDDY: mustn’t grumble}

Just to balance books again,

Lower interest rates again,

Then we’ll tax her once again.

{BIDDY:I don’t want to be any trouble.}

Ben Murphy made a good recording of this one – you can listen below:

Not quite the power of the original performance – superbly done by Rosie Cavaliero – but that original performance is sadly lost in the mists of time.

If you want to know what Everything I Own sounds like when sung by Ken Booth, click here (where you can also read the lyrics) or watch the embedded vid below:

A Submission Sheet To Keith Wickham, NewsRevue, 11 May 1993

This is a useful note, in that it confirms that Keith Wickham went straight from cast to director at that time. It also helps confirm which of my extant batch of songs had not been used yet, to me, still felt current/useful.

If I recall correctly, Keith used plenty of mine, but probably not these ones.

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING

KEITH WICKHAM MAY-JUNE 1993 RUN

Dear Keith

There seems little point in my submitting the material that is currently being used, as I believe that you and Dan are to continue in the show. I am therefore just submitting material that has been cruelly overlooked before, some of which may match the skills of your new troop and which is not too long in the tooth. I shall obviously submit new material as and when it comes to me.

Please do call me and let me know what sort of things you are short of/need and I shall try to oblige.

See you soon.

Song Title	Original Title/Artist on Tape	New/Nil
jimmy knapp	jimmy mack/martha and the vandellas	y
bosnia-herzegovina	copacabana/barry manilow	y
grunge clobber wearer	guantanamera/pete seger	y
zaire of the brat	year of the cat/al stewart	y
if i had a …..	if i had a hammer/trini lopez	y
my genitalia	my generation/who	y
don’t leave me this space	dont leave me this way/harold melvin & bluenotes	y
heatwave	heatwave/martha and the vandellas	y
mushrooms under my skin	i’ve got you under my skin/frank sinatra	y
fair weather friend	you’ve got a friend/carole king	y

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: