I have/had happy memories of Jonathan Linsley as performer and director in my early days of NewsRevue, in the summer of 1992. So I was very pleased to learn of his return the following summer.
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING JONATHAN LINSLEY JULY-AUGUST 1993 RUN
Dear Jonathan
I enclose your pack of lyrics and tape for my current offerings. The pack includes some very new ones, the songs currently in the show, some that have been cruelly overlooked before but may still have some life in them. I do have several good ideas on the jotter which I shall forward to you as soon as they are ready.
Please do call me and let me know what sort of things you are short of/need and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then do let me know. Constructive feedback helps me to get better at this lark!
This little quickie speaks for itself, really. I’m not sure whether or not it was sued.
BODY DOUBLES (VOICEOVER)
Film experts in Russia report that the film “Indecent Proposal” has flopped. The studio blames a translation mistake in the marketing blurb. Instead of saying “watch sex scenes between body doubles” the advert said “see the Congress of Peoples Deputies”.
I’m pretty sure this wasn’t used. As much as anything else, another of my lyrics that works to “He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother”, the Princess Di Bulmia Song, was a perennial in the show at that time:
I don’t recall this lyric being used in NewsRevue, but there are a few minor revisions of it on my machine over that summer, so I’m guessing that it probably was.
JUDGES ARE SENILE
(To the Tune of “Putting On The Style”)
VERSE 1
Eighty three, goes to court, likes to wear his wig, Britain’s legal system appointed this old prig; He was a bright young lawyer who made a legal pile, But now he’s old and talks baloney, judges are senile.
CHORUS 1
Oh Magistrates are lunatics, judges are senile, That’s why it’s a toss up what happens at a trial; Convicted rapist walks free, another court meanwhile, Jails a kid who smoked dope, judges are senile.
VERSE 2
Starforth Hill blames a girl ‘cos he’s off his board, If he goes on at this rate they’ll make him a law lord; He says all girls are sinful as does Judge Argyll, These old sods know not what they’re saying, judges are senile.
CHORUS 2
Oh Justices need therapy, judges are senile, Most right thinking people find their opinions vile; Ernest Saunders set free, judge gives him a smile, Old Ernest has Alzheimer’s but is not senile.
VERSE 3
Justice on the Woolsack, the appeal court’s packed, The House of Lords gives judgement ten years after the act; That House is not debating the crimes that we revile, But huge vexatious corporations suing for a pile.
CHORUS 3
Oh UK courts are such a crime, judges are senile, That’s why lots of young folks want other domicile; We should make British justice defend itself on trial, Let’s start by sacking judges who have gone senile…. i-ile, i-ile, i-ile.
Below is the updated lyric for Verse Two and Chorus Two dated 11 July 1993:
JUDGES ARE SENILE – VERSION TWO
(To the Tune of “Putting On The Style”)
VERSE 2
Criminal Justice Bill scraps half of our rights, Our hope of getting justice is like free Hoover flights; We’ll lose our right to juries resolving our trials, And get some bigot Magistrates with arthritis and piles.
CHORUS 2
Oh Magistrates need therapy, most of them are vile, They behave like judges but lack judicial guile; Although the Magna Carta’s been around a while, The stupid Royal Commission would scrap jury trials.
It seems I further revised Verse Two in August 1993:
VERSE 2
Criminal Justices scrap half of our rights, Our hope of getting fairness is like free Hoover flights; We’ll lose our right to juries resolving our trials, And get some bigot Magistrate with arthritis and piles.
While wading through some papers connected with that holiday, I found the following photocopy of a letter to Time Magazine, who, it seems, were unwilling to say goodbye to me as a paying customer, despite my attempts to cancel my subscription.
Why the letter starts on the right hand page and moves on to the left I think is just a photocopying thing. Or it might be an ethnic quirk…he says, without a hint of irony.
As the letter makes clear in the last sentence, it is not a complaint. Goodness only knows what a complaint from me would have looked like back then.
Anyway, the letter made me laugh when I uncovered it after all these years. It made me realise that I am not turning into a cantankerous old git…I was always a cantankerous git…I’m just “gitting” older.
I don’t think this lyric ever made it into the show and possibly just as well. The slow numbers have to be very good to work in the show and this lyric doesn’t make the grade as I look at it 25+ years later.
TELECOM CHARGES
(To the Tune of “Wichita Lineman”)
VERSE 1
I am a financier for BT, And I’ll buy BT 3; Fifty quidsworth yuppy, Taking shares profitably.
They’re raking in a huge pile, They’re making hay while the sun shines; Cos the Telecom charges, Are way out of line.
VERSE 2
I know they have some competition, But it don’t look like trade; As Mercury it seems to me, Can never make the grade.
Those BT fat cats are laughing, They make more money every time; Cos those new operations, Must hire BT lines.
VERSE 3
But someday soon BT will tumble, And lose their monopoly; Now yuppies drone on cordless phones, That don’t come from BT.
And though we need them more than want them, And wally’s use them at odd times; The cellular cordless, Don’t use BT lines.
Below is Glen Campbell singing Wichita Lineman, with the lyrics of that song there to be seen on the screen:
This seemed like good material for topical satire; which it was.
The first part of the lyric, the Scarborough Fair bit, was not much used, but the second part of the lyric ran in NewsRevue for some time and was recorded by Ben Murphy on his album that summer; click below:
SCARBOROUGH CLIFFS
(To the Tune of “Scarborough Fair”)
VERSE 1
Are you going to Scarborough cliffs? Strawberry jam, whipped cream, scones and tea; The eastern coast has started to shift, Scarborough’s falling into the sea.
VERSE 2
Tell her to find me a Chippendale chair, Walnut, oak, ebony or teak; Now Holbeck Hall has laid itself bare, She may catch a falling antique.
VERSE 3
Beautiful paintings are now on the skids, Renoir fakes, Picasso and Freud; One genuine worth thousands of quid, In the struggle may be destroyed.
VERSE 4
Through the soil where once flowers bloomed, Scavenge greedy bastards below; You’ll see the folk who were not entombed, Next week on the Antiques Road Show.
OH I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE CLIFF FACE (To The Tune Of “Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside”)
Oh I do like to be beside the cliff face, Oh I do like to be beside the sea; Oh I do like to watch the bits of Holbeck Hall, Crumble away and fall till it’s not there at all.
Just bury me beside the cliff face, I’ll be impaled by cutlery; Then a Chippendale bedstead will descend onto my head, Beside the cliff face, Beside the sea.
Below is Simon and Garfunkel’s recording of Scarborough Fair:
Below is the original recording of Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside by Mark Sheridan, from 1909. The chorus starts around the 48 second mark:
Janie joined me (and I’m sure quite a few of my NewsRevue writer friends) for the opening night of this show, conceived by John Random.
I think the idea of it was to be a showcase for revue material that John and others of us sometimes wrote that was not ideally suited to the topical NewsRevue show.
I have a couple of pieces of paper about the show, one of which tells me that I forked out some dosh to angel the show.
I cannot remember how much, if any, of that cash came back to me. John might have information on’t.
Here’s the other artifact, which was a sort of interim newsletter which also gives some clues as to the conceit (if that is the right word) of the show.
I also cannot remember how many, if any, of my lyrics found their way into this show.
In fact, the item I remember most clearly about this show is an idea that John in the end didn’t use, which was the idea of performing Spike Jones’s version of the Hawaiian War Chant live.
It would have been wicked hard to stage well with four performers and one pianist. But John and I both still regret that the idea got…as it were…spiked.
I do remember one of John’s numbers, which I think was the closing number, named Living In A Cliche, which was a spoof of Bon Jovi’s Livin’ On A Prayer.
Gosh, yes, that track is simply asking for the John Bon Random treatment.
I wonder whether John still has running orders and/or other materials pertaining to Sex In My Anorak. I do remember thinking the show was rather good.
Postscript: a few months ago we had a discussion about this show and also about Bish Bash Bosh on Facebook in the NewsRevue group – click here for link. Nick R Thomas in particular remembered some interesting stuff about Anorak:
I had a co-written sketch about cats. If I remember correctly, the sketch I wrote with Bournemouth writer Gary Mitchell was about the Cats Protection League actually being a protection racket run by cats.
John had a wonderful running song sketch throughout based on 2Unlimited but featuring nuns, eg “No no, no-no no no, no-no no no, no-no sex before marriage”.
Come to think of it, this No Limit number was also simply asking for the 2Johnlimited Random treatment.
But this one, when he resigned in May 1993, was a feature of the show for some time and I think went to Edinburgh that summer too. It has a nice political knockabout quality to it.
Strangely, I don’t think there were, in May 1993, confirmed rumours that Norman was going to score City directorships in a hurry; I was supposing. But by September he had joined the Board of NM Rothchild and I wrote a rather pointed update to my lyrics that autumn, click here to see those, which extended its shelf life.
The tune is the well-known children’s song, Nellie the Elephant:
