Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

Odd one, this. I don’t have a printed copy on file and it has a slightly unfinished feel to it – I’m not sure I ever finished/submitted it.

One or two good lines, though.

2-4-6-8 INTERNET
(To the Tune of “2-4-6-8 Motorway”)

VERSE 1

Whizz kid sitting pretty with a new style Pentium,
Ain’t no 486 , you get speed on your side;
Ain’t no use unless Intel’s been ammending ’em,
Unless you never want to long divide.

CHORUS 1

And it’s 2-4-6-8 Internet,
Me and my modem buzzing all through the night;
3-5-7-9 bug on the line,
Superhighway, crashed, got a warning light.

VERSE 2

Well there ain’t better news if you choose to cruise the Compuserve,
And World-Wide-Web’s like astronomy in a smog;
No one knows if this highway’s leading nowhere,
Cos most people still think Kermit’s just a frog.

CHORUS 2

So let’s start a British Internet,
Too few modems, all get stuck in a jam;
3-5-7-9 work on the line,
Highway’s shut, use an envelope and a stamp.

Here is the Tom Robinson Band singing 2-4-6-8 Motorway, with lyrics on the screen:

 

Presumably someone found a yeti’s remains in Hunan province.

I don’t think this lyric made it into NewsRevue.

BLACK YETI
(A Quickie To the Tune of “Black Betty”)
VERSE ONE

Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
The Yeti has been seen – Hunan man,
In a Chinese ravine – Hunan man;
He’s abominable -Hunan man,
And he finds it hard to pull – Hunan man;
We’ll make his mark -wo-oh Black Yeti,
A Chinese theme park – wo-oh Black Yeti;
Hunan man.

VERSE TWO

Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
Boy that Yeti was mean – Hunan man
Fried up with yellow bean – Hunan man;
Black Yeti was a male – Hunan man,
We threw him in jail – Hunan man;
Without a trial – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Chinese style – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Human rights.

Sorry, human rights is off. Try number 23 – summary execution without trial or appeal.

Here is Ram Jam singing Black Betty with lyrics on the screen:

A medley of lyrics about Tory sleaze that work well with early Beatles hit tunes.

I really like the first two lines. The rest isn’t too bad either.

SLEAZE MEDLEY

(To Various Beatles Tunes)
SLEAZE, SLEAZE, DEALS
(To the tune of “Please Please Me”)

Last night I said these words to Michael,
How much must I pay for a title?
A song (a song), you’re on (I’m on), the pong (what pong?), so strong (so strong);
Sleaze, sleaze deals, oh yeh, what questions must I ask?

Papers make their allegations,
“Benefits and compensations” they said,
(Al-Fayed),
Our regime will battle on,
Despite Tim Smith and Hamilton’s
Denoue-ment, yeh, ‘tho’ Neil says that he’ll sue.

MONEY (FOR QUESTIONS ASKED)
(To the tune of “Money , That’s What I Want”)

The best things in life are free,
But we Tories still prefer to sleaze,
Cos we want money (for questions asked)
For questions asked (and weapons passed)
And weapons passed (young Thatcher’s task)
Just ask young Mark (that’s Thatcher’s Mark).

SHE BACKED YOU
(To the tune of “She loves you”)

MAGGIE: You think you’ve sold a gun,
MARK I sold it yesterday-ay;
MAGGIE: You drove out to Oman,
And you got lost on the way-ay.
Your mother backed you,
MARK: So I knew that sheikh would bid;
MAGGIE: Because I backed you,
You have earned 12 million quid
ALL: Oooooohhhhhhhh
CHORUS: She backed him (yeh, yeh ,yeh),
Should have whacked him (yeh, yeh, yeh),
But with a mum like that, we knew he’d turn out bad;
And with a son like that we knew ………….she’d end up………..MAD!!

(Either: BLACKOUT or Yeh yeh yeh, yeh yeh yeh, yeh yeh yeh yeh!!
or perhaps even Blair Blair Blair, Blair Blair Blair, Blair Blair Blair Blair!!!!!)

Here are some YouTubes – the first is a poor live performance but it is The Beatles and has the lyrics underneath the vid if you click through to YouTube proper:

Here is the Barrett Strong version of Money, with lyrics on the screen:

Then back to poor live Beatles with the lyrics underneath if you click through for She Loves You:

 

Four Weddings and A Funeral had been such a big film that year, as had Liz Hurley “busting out all over” her film award dresses and as had the film’s hit song; Wet Wet Wet’s version of Love Is All Around (see below).

I gave the story my treatment – quite sparse but effective I still think:

LARGE BREASTS ARE ALL AROUND
(To the Tune of “Love is All Around”)

VERSE 1 – HUGH GRANT

I see them on the film set,
They’re bursting out of clothes,
Large breasts are all around me,
And so my feeling grows;
That siren Elle MacPherson,
And Lizzie Hurley know,
That if they want attention,
They’ve gotta let ’em show.
MIDDLE EIGHT – LIZ HURLEY

You know I love you, I always will,
Your rich since Four Weddings and a Funeril;
They say you’re brainy, but I’ll defend,
My cleavage is my own deep end.
VERSE 2 – BOTH

HUGH: I see huge breasts before me,
As I lay on my bed;
LIZ: I kinda get to thinking,
You’ve one track in your head;
HUGH: I give nice comments to you,
So why are you upset?
LIZ: Large breasts are all around you,
And you’re so wet, wet, wet.

Here is Wet Wet Wet singing Love Is All Around, with the lyrics on screen:

While we’re here – I have always liked the song and far preferred it in its original recording by the Troggs. Here is a quintessentially sixties promo video of  The Troggs on one of those old-fashioned trains.

The log says September for this lyric but the earliest electronic file is the above date.

I wrote an update of this lyric 16 July 1995:

LARGE BREASTS ARE ALL AROUND – CAUGHT WITH A HOLLYWOOD TART – SUMMER SILLY SEASON 1995 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Love is All Around”)

VERSE 1 – HUGH GRANT

I feel you with my fingers,
And then I suck your toes;
Large breasts are all around me,
And so my feeling grows;
My girlfriend Lizzie Hurley,
And tinseltown tarts know,
I’m mad and at attention,
If they just let ’em show.

MIDDLE EIGHT – LIZ HURLEY

You know I love you, I always will,
Your rich since Four Weddings and a Funeril;
They say you’re clever, so use your brain,
One flash of tits, you go insane.

VERSE 2 – BOTH

HUGH: I see huge breasts before me,
As I lay on my bed;
LIZ: I kinda get to thinking,
You’ve one track in your head;
HUGH: I’ve told the world I’m sorry,
So why are you upset?
LIZ: Large breasts are all around you,
And you’re so wet, wet, wet.

One for completists, this. I needed to do some research to work out what I was on about.,.

…James Kelman’s Booker win and Julia Neuberger’s disliking of same.

EFFING BOOKER
(A Quickie to the Tune of “The Bonnie Banks of Loch Loman”)

SUNG IN A SERIOUSLY DEEP GLASWEGIAN HUE

You use your fine words,
While I’ll use the F word,
And I’ll win the Booker before ye;

I’ll make sure that fat cow will never speak again,
Once I’ve nutted fucking Julia Neuberg.

Completist heaven.

Here’s the original folk song with its lyrics on the screen:

I don’t think this one was used. I wasn’t at my funniest that autumn – I was taking the job of starting up Z/Yen too seriously, probably.

Michael Howard, then Home Secretary, deserved the treatment, though.

MIKE-ILL
(To the Tune of “My Girl”)

VERSE 1 – VILLAIN

I’ve got lobster in a crowded gaol,
When it’s cold outside I still crap in a pail;

CHORUS 1 – STILL WITH THE VILLAIN

I guess you’d say,
Where do crooks behave this way?
Whitemore,
Talking ’bout Whitemore, Whitemore.

VERSE 2 – MICHAEL HOWARD

I’ve got so much money the thieves envy me,
I’ve got privilege aplenty, cos I’m home secretary;

CHORUS 2 – MICHAEL HOWARD

I guess peep-ill,
Think I’m tough on crimin-ills,
Mike-ill,
Diction’s strange, Mike-ill, Mike-ill.

VERSE 3 – TERRORISTS

We don’t need no bar files baked in a cake,
We’ve got Semtex, guns and fittings for bombs that we make;

CHORUS 3

We guess your bloke’s,
Law and order’s Grade A joke,
Michael,
Howard’s crap, Michael, Michael.

Here is The Temptations singing My Girl, with lyrics on the screen: