The Passing Of Ivan Shakespeare, 3 February 2000

I am writing this 20 years to the day since the sudden and tragic death of Ivan Shakespeare, who collapsed and died of a heart attack while jogging.

Ivan was a friend through and fellow writer for NewsRevue.

His career as a comedy writer was well documented some years ago on the comedy collective writers project website – now, like Ivan, no longer with us. But that site, including the excellent Ivan Shakespeare biography piece, has been preserved on the Wayback Machine click here.

I learnt of Ivan’s passing a few days later, I believe.

I recall John Random phoning me and also asking me what I thought he should say in the Independent newspaper obituary piece he had been asked to write. I remember saying that I thought the irony, dying while undertaking activity to try and get fit, would not have been wasted on Ivan. I was chuffed that John used that idea at the start of his obituary – transcribed in the biography above and scanned, with thanks to John Random, below.

John has also, kindly, scanned one or two other obituary pieces:

I have extracted the relevant page from The Stage, which shows not only Ivan’s obit but the good company he kept that week.

Along with several other fellow NewsRevue writers, I attended Ivan’s funeral at Hoop Lane Crematorium. I remember the comedic touch of Ivan’s trademark hat sitting atop the coffin. I remember feeling so very sad for Elspeth, Ivan’s partner.

I remember how awkward everyone felt; we were a comedic lot, struggling to deal with a tragic situation. To what extend could/should we make light of any part of the event? To be sure it was not a time for mordant or sardonic humour. I concluded that many comedy writers are, at heart, amongst the most maudlin people on earth.

Yet a magnificent thing emerged from this tragedy.

A few week’s before his untimely death, Ivan sent an e-mail to the few of us who were already e-mail friendly, suggesting that, although several of us had started to drift away from the regular NewsRevue gatherings, it would be nice to meet occasionally in any case, perhaps dine together, perhaps watch the show or perhaps both.

A few of us at the funeral concluded that we really must implement that lovely idea. John Random picked up the mantle and we have met several times a year, every year, since.

We have named those gatherings Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinners.

The first was, I think, around May 2000. I’ll write it up in the fullness of time. I have written up most of the more recent ones – see above link (repeated here). The next one (at the time of writing) is scheduled for early April 2020.

Ivan would have loved those events. He would also have loved the idea that he initiated and caused them.

20 years gone and still missed. Ivan Shakespeare.

That’s What We Call NewsRevue, Newsrevue Lyric, 11 January 1998

I remember being very dissatisfied with this one when I wrote it. Mike Ward from the Actor’s Workshop had suggested the idea to me, which was a good one. But it came out, in my opinion, very tired, bitchy and unfunny. It is the last NewsRevue lyric in my log and I suspect that it was the writing of this one that convinced me that I was out of ideas and needed to retire from NewsRevue lyric writing, at least temporarily, although it proved to be a permanent retirement.

There is irony in the fact that I used the tune That Is the End Of the News for the lyric that, in effect, marked the end of NewsRevue for me.

THAT’S WHAT WE CALL NEWS REVUE
(To the Tune of “That is the End of the News”)

 

INTRO 1

We are told, very loudly and often to lift up our hearts;
We are told, that good humour might soften life’s cruel old farts.
So however bad economic troubles might be,
We just lampoon our leaders and sing with glee.

VERSE 1

Heigh-ho, Blair’s mob are pains again,
New bye elections might see Tory gains again;
Word is Hague’s gay as he, like Peter Lilley,
Prefers his to hers when it comes to his willy.

VERSE 2

We’re so glad Harriet Harman,
Is screwing lone parents at rates so alarming;
We’ve now learned New Labour has more cuts than sabres,
As heartless as those Tory Blues.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

We’re delighted,
To be able to say,
Gordon Brown is not gay,
He’s depressed;
We’re excited,
Now the pounds out of range,
Of the Euro,
It’s all for the best.

OUTRO 1

Three cheers, Jack Straw’s been trusted,
With stamping out drugs although his son’s been busted;
While Mandelson’s heaven is Brighton, not Devon,
And that’s what we call News Revue.

 

INTRO 2

We are told ghastly jokes in the City when drinking in bars,
We are told that it’s charming and witty to mimic the stars;
So when fortune gives them a cup of hemlock to quaff,
We perform songs and sketches and laugh laugh laugh.

VERSE 3

Heigh-ho, Prodigy’s fearful,
We wish that Oasis were slightly more cheerful;
With Spice Girls these days getting booed off the stage, it,
Appears Pulp themselves need some help, they’re so aged;

VERSE 4

Now don’t laugh at poor Mrs Merton,
But nor do her viewers, that’s her final curtain;
The lovers of draggage, prefer Lily Savage,
It must be her splendid hair-dos.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Winning days, see,
Greg Rosetsky win games,
He’s as English as mounties and moose;
Football’s crazy,
Gazza beats up his dames,
But he’s gentle compared with “The Juice”.

OUTRO 2

What fun, Paula Yates’ tippled,
They say Posh Spice has a new ring through her nipple;
Now she’s got seven,
While Mel has eleven,
And that’s what we call News Revue,
Yes that’s what we call News Revue.

Below is a video of Joyce Grenfell singing That Is the End Of The News – I cannot find Noel Coward’s original on the web:

Click here for the lyrics to that Is the End Of the News.

Submission To Andy Coleman & Dan Clark Re NewsRevue, 11 January 1998

Andy Coleman / Dan Clark
News Revue
11 January 1998

Dear Andy/Dan

I enclose my new/unused material together with a tape of the sounds.

If you want any of my “archive material” rewritten or some tweaks to the enclosed songs, let me know. Also, if there are any subjects which you feel desperately need a song – give us a call.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Ian

Song Title
Original Title/
Artist Approx.. No. of weeks performed at Canal Cafe
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
geoffrey robinson
mrs robinson / simon and garfunkle N
that’s what we call news revue that is the end of the news / (noel coward) performers unknown N
beef bones dry bones / fred waring and the pennsylvanians N
gaudy dames
gaudete / medaeival baebes N
spin talk wizard
pinball wizard / who N

Geoffrey Robinson, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 January 1998

Geoffrey Robinson was the Paymaster General in Tony Blair’s first government. He lost that job in late 1998 over the Peter Mandelson home loan scandal covered by version two of the lyric below. 

Coincidentally, that Mandelson home was a few blocks away from my flat; I still go past it on my way to the health club and for some time back then Mandelson himself was to be seen there.

GEOFFREY ROBINSON
(To the Tune of “Mrs Robinson”)

CHORUS 1
So here’s to you, Geoffrey Robinson,
Tony loves you more than you will know (wo, wo, wo);
What’s that you say, Geoffrey Robinson?
Havens hold a place for those who pay (hey, hey, hey, hey hey hey).

VERSE 1
We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files,
We’re glad that you have learned to help yourself;
Look around and you will see unsympathetic eyes,
In the treasury, where you feel so at home.

CHORUS 2
What’s in your past, Geoffrey Robinson?
Madam Bourgeois loved you as we know (ho, ho, ho);
Down on your knees, Geoffrey Robinson,
God knows what you’ve licked to earn your pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).

VERSE 2
Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes,
Stuck away in Guernsey in your trust funds;
It’s a little secret, just the Robinson’s affair,
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the press

CHORUS 3
Coo coo catchoo, Geoffrey Robinson,
Money sticks to you as we all know (wo, wo, wo);
Rolling in cash, Geoffrey Robinson,
Vested offshore in a tax free way (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).

VERSE 3
Sitting in your mansion on a Sunday afternoon,
Going to the conference debate;
Laugh about it, shout about it, when loop holes are lax,
Only little people need pay tax.

OUTRO
You’re not quite like John deLorean,
At least he built a factory or two (woo, woo, woo);
We’ve news for you, Geoffrey Robinson,
Gordon Brown has ways to make you pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).

I also wrote an update of this one 22 December 1998:

GEOFFREY ROBINSON VERSION 2
(To the Tune of “Mrs Robinson”)

CHORUS 1
So here’s to you, Geoffrey Robinson,
Tony loves you more than you will know (wo, wo, wo);
What’s that you say, Geoffrey Robinson?
Havens hold a place for those who pay (hey, hey, hey, hey hey hey).

VERSE 1
We’d like to know a little bit about you for our files,
We’re glad that you have learned to help yourself;
Look around and you will see unsympathetic eyes,
In the treasury, where you feel so at home.

CHORUS 2
What’s in your past, Geoffrey Robinson?
Madam Bourgeois loved you as we know (ho, ho, ho);
Down on your knees, Geoffrey Robinson,
God knows what you’ve licked to earn your pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).

VERSE 2
Hide it in a hiding place where no one ever goes,
Stuck away in Guernsey in your trust funds;
It’s a little secret, just the Robinson’s affair,
Most of all you’ve got to hide it from the press

CHORUS 3
Coo coo catchoo, Geoffrey Robinson,
Money sticks to you as we all know (wo, wo, wo);
Rolling in cash, Geoffrey Robinson,
Vested offshore in a tax free way (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).

VERSE 3
Sitting in your mansion on a Sunday afternoon,
Going to the conference debate;
Laugh about it, shout about it, when loop holes are lax,
Only little people need pay tax.

OUTRO
Who’s your fat friend, Peter Mandelson?
Geoffrey bought a lovely house for you (woo, woo, woo);
It’s just on loan, Peter Mandelson,
Geoffrey will find ways to make you pay (hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey).

Below is Simon & Garfunkel singing Mrs Robinson:

Click here for the lyrics to Mrs Robinson.

Gaudy Dames, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 January 1998

Mediæval Bæbes was a bit of a thing back then. Janie and I were just starting to take a real interest in early music around that time. I bought their debut album, Salva Nos.

But there was something about this commercialised form of mediæval music that bothered me, so I gave The Bæbes the NewsRevue lyric treatment.

GAUDY DAMES
(To the Tune of “Gaudete”)

CHORUS 1

Gaudy dames, gaudy dames some sing soprano,
We are named Medieval Baebes, gaudy dames;
Gaudy dames, gaudy dames, some sing contralto,
Sensuous poses, low cut drapes, gaudy dames.

VERSE 1

We’re a bunch of choir girls who have shot to stardom;
We’re as pure and virginal as a Turkish harem.

CHORUS 2

Blowsy dames, blowsy dames, who sing in plain chant,
We’re like Spice Girls minus spice, blowsy dames;
Cows may say, cows may say that we’ve had implants,
Torture post-medieval ways, cows may say.

VERSE 2

All of us are Virgin girls signed to Branson’s kingdom;
Hope he makes his duff balloons elsewhere than his condoms.

CHORUS 3

Lousy pay, lousy pay now we are pop stars,
We’re still paid medieval rates, lousy pay;
God may say, God may say we sing like angels,
But its hell to hear us rant, God may say.

VERSE 3

We can all be photographed so we look like lovelies;
Tho’ without a special lens look like teletubbies.

OUTRO

Cow like shapes, cow like shapes, not that you’d notice,
Clever angled camera takes, cow like shapes;
Gawd the strain, gawd the strain stuck in this corset,
Thumb screws would seem like a break, gawd the strain.

Below is a version of Gaudete performed by the Choir of Clare College Cambridge:

Click here for lyrics to the carol Gaudete.

Submission To Andy Coleman Re NewsRevue, 29 November 1997

Andy Coleman
News Revue
29 November 1997

Dear Andy

Glad to learn that you are doing the Christmas show and that you have gathered a great sounding cast.

I attach 1997 material which, in my opinion, has “best of” potential. I have recordings of all of these, so if you need recordings just let me know and I’ll drop them in to the Canal. (The Cafe, of course, not the actual wet place).

If you want any updates or rewrites (the attached material or other stuff of mine which you like) let me know.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Ian Harris

Spin Talk Wizard, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 October 1997

I think Peter Mandelson was the main target of this lyric, although the connection between that 1997 Labour Government and spin doctoring more generally was fast becoming evident.

I don’t remember this lyric being used, but I was attending the show a lot less by then.

SPIN TALK WIZARD
(To the Tune of “Pinball Wizard”)

 

VERSE 1

Ever since I was a young man, I’ve addressed the Labour halls,
From Blackpool down to Brighton, I must have roused them all;
But I ain’t seen no-one like him, his tongue’s shaped like a fork;
That slime Peter Mandelson, sure plays a mean spin talk.

VERSE 2

Stands like a statue, he’s the heart of Blair’s machine,
Not one hair’s misplaced cos, he always wears Brylcream;
Spins with intuition, the Tories take a walk,
That geek Peter Mandelson, sure gives a mean spin talk.

CHORUS 1

He’s the Blair spin doctor,
There has to be a twist,
That Blair spin doctor,
Knows how to use his wrist.

MIDDLE EIGHT

How do you think he does it?
(Pure bullshit),
In Armani suits.

VERSE 3 – PETER MANDELSON HIMSELF

Even on their favourite subjects, Tories lose my twist,
My disciples lead me in, even ‘tho’ they don’t exist;
I’m a future Labour leader, anyone can see;
‘Tho’ that damned Trot Ken Livingstone, got on the NEC.

CHORUS 3

He’s the Blair spin doctor,
It has to be a joke;
Cos that Blair spin doctor is,
Such a twisted bloke.

MANDELSON: They mean that in the most positive way. BLACKOUT

The video below has The Who playing Pinball Wizard with the lyrics on the screen:

Submission To Jaspre Bark Re NewsRevue, 27 October 1997

Jaspre Bark
News Revue
27 September 1997
By Fax

Dear Jaspre

Sorry it has taken me a wee while to respond to your message, but I haven’t been around. I enclose one or two rewrites and some new/unused material.

If you want any other older ones rewritten let me know. Also, if you need recordings of any of these, please call and leave a message today – I could drop them crack of dawn tomorrow at the Canal if you need them.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Ian

The following songs are attached

Song Title
Original Title/
Artist Approx.. No. of weeks performed at Canal Cafe
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
gordon brown golden brown / stranglers N
spin talk wizard pinball wizard / who N
vulture in the wind candle in the wind / elton john N
smoke gets in your isles smoke gets in your eyes / bryan ferry 4-6
taliban carrie anne / hollies N
me and paula jones me and mrs jones / billy paul N
feng shui whip crack away N
ffion rave on / buddy holly 1-3
bruce grobbelar’s hat young, gifted and black / bob & marcia N
jack straw my name is jack / manfred mann N
hooray for bollywood hooray for hollywood N
monserrat monster mash / bruce “boris” pickett 1-3

I know the note itself is dated 27 September, but all the temporal evidence including the electronic evidence suggests that this really was written and delivered in late October.

Smoke Gets In Your Isles, NewsRevue Lyric, 29 September 1997

Terrible forest fires in South East Asia is not really a funny subject and slow numbers don’t usually work in NewsRevue, but somehow this one did work and I recall it went down very well in the show.

SMOKE GETS IN YOUR ISLES
(To the Tune of “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes”)

VERSE 1

They asked me if I knew,
Why Sumatra’s stewed;
I of course replied,
Once a forest’s died,
It cannot be deep fried. (oh no).

VERSE 2

In archipelagos,
Each must hold their nose;
Through the forest fires,
Indonesia riles,
Smoke gets in your isles.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Those Malays,
All want to go away,
As none of them can breath now;
In the main,
Don’t take Garuda planes,
Because they cannot fly now.

VERSE 3

Those clouds will drift and go,
To Northern Borneo;
Through the darkened sky,
How that smog will fly,
Smoke gets in Brunei.

VERSE 4

This smog will run amok,
Soon to reach Bangkok;
Thailand, you’ve surmised,
Punchline’s no surprise,
Smoke gets in your Thais.

Below is a video with The Platters singing Smoke Gets In Your Eyes, with the lyrics on the screen:

Monserrat, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 September 1997

I remember that this one was used and I remember that it amused several of the regular NewsRevue writers (as well as, hopefully, the audience). It’s an “aftermath of volcano eruption” story, basically.

MONSERRAT
(To the Tune of “Monster Mash”)

 

VERSE 1

I was walking down the street in a Leeward Isle,
When I saw a huge eruption in New Labour’s style;
Something hot was smouldering in southern ports,
Robin Cook was rowing with his muse, Claire Short.

CHORUS 1

She is a bat,
(Down in Monserrat);
In Monserrat,
(It’s a New Labour spat),
In Monserrat,
(Down in Monserrat)
In Monserrat
(It was in Monserrat)

VERSE 2

Ancient rocks descended on the Albert Hall,
Elton, Sting, Phil Collins, Ringo, George and Paul;
Many paid a hundred, others paid yet more,
Tho’ no-one left on Monserrat is faintly poor.

CHORUS 2

They passed the hat,
(Round for Monserrat);
For Monserrat,
(Now that the ground’s less flat);
Volcano’s shat,
(All over Monserrat),
It’s Monserrat,
(Oh Fuck Monserrat!!)

 

Below is a video of Bobby “Boris” Pickett singing The Monster Mash:

Click here for the lyrics to The Monster Mash.