Tag: NewsRevue

Submission To Mark Brailsford Re NewsRevue, 23 September 1997

Mark Brailsford
News Revue
23 September 1997
By Fax

Dear Mark

Welcome back!! Sorry it has taken me so long to submit, but inspiration comes when it comes. I sent you my archive last time, which was not so long ago; I therefore attach only my latest songs.

If you want any older ones rewritten let me know. Also, if you need recordings of any of these, please call and leave a message today – I could drop them crack of dawn tomorrow if you need them.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Ian

The following songs are attached

Song Title
Original Title/
Artist Approx.. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
bruce grobbelar’s hat young, gifted and black / bob & marcia N
monserrat monster mash / bruce “boris” pickett N

Bruce Grobbelaar’s Hat, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 September 1997

Let’s be honest about this – corruption in football and/or complex legal cases involving footballers is not really my sort of story. I didn’t even know how to spell Bruce Grobbelaar‘s name, nor which team(s) he played for, until I looked it all up just now (May 2019).

No, I must have been persuaded to write this lyric during a NewsRevue writers meeting, by concocting the opening line there and then. 

What little evidence I have suggests that this lyric was never used. The specific cases against Bruce Grobbelaar remain somewhat moot, apparently, while the general public opinion charge of dishonesty stuck.

BRUCE GROBBELAR’S HAT
(To the Tune of “Young, Gifted and Black”)

 

VERSE 1

Bruce Grobbelar’s hat,
Oh what a con pulled off by him;
Inside Bruce Grobbelar’s hat,
It’s filled with dung up to the rim;
If you’re digging real low,
There is one bet you should know;
Under Bruce Grobbelar’s hat,
Is a fat cat.

VERSE 2

Bruce Grobbelar’s hat,
That’s what they mean by a hat trick;
Talking Bruce Grobbelar’s hat,
It has more beaver than his chick;
When it’s hiding his bung,
There’s a stink like cows’ dung;
But in Bruce Grobbelar’s hat,
You’ve such a pratt’.

Below is Young Gifted And Black, performed by Bob & Marcia, with lyrics on the screen:

Vulture In The Wind, NewsRevue Lyric, 17 September 1997

Princess Diana’s untimely death was not good news for topical satire. My classic lyric, She Ain’t Heavy She’s Bulimic, which had run in the show for much of the preceding four years, died along with Di and Dodi.

It was nigh on impossible to write anything that even touched on the topic which could get into the show…the following lyric being no exception. I felt at the time that Elton John’s Diana version of Candle in the Wind was a bit of a cash in on the tragedy, but it was not an idea ripe for the show at that time. Reads interesting now, 20+ years later.

VULTURE IN THE WIND
(To the Tune of “Candle in the Wind”)

VERSE 1

Goodbye Elton John,
Tho’ you ought to be long gone,
Or even near forgotten, like Kajagoogoo or The Darts;
You crawled out of the woodwork,
You made your comeback just at the time,
That your career was flagging,
Like a eunuch’s poor spare part.

CHORUS 1

But it seems to me, you live your life,
Like a vulture in the wind;
Writing clichés at the death scene,
With Bernie Taupin;
Can’t escape your tinkled ivories across England’s verdant hills,
You sound like Richard Clayderman,
Or even Mrs Mills.

(Piano flourish and BLACKOUT)

Below is a video of Elton John singing Candle In The Wind with the lyrics on the screen.

Devolution, NewsRevue Quickie Lyric, 2 August 1997

Scottish devolution, eh? A bit like Euroscepticism; a gift that keeps on giving for satirists and a pain in the butt for politicians. 

I’m not sure if this quickie was ever used. 

DEVOLUTION QUICKIE
(To the Tune of “The Bonnie Bonnie banks of Loch Lomand”)

 

INTRO

And now, a referendum broadcast on behalf of the Scottish Nationalist Party.

CHORUS 1

You take the Welsh poll,
But we’ll take the Scots poll,
And get devolution before ye;
Then we in West Lothian,
Will never vote again,
For that bloody Tony Banks,
And Mo Mowlem.

 

Below is a nice video recording of The Bonnie Banks, with the lyrics on the screen:

A Visit To NewsRevue With Janie, John Random and Friends, 1 August 1997

I went to NewsRevue so often in the 1990s, I’d rarely even note it in my diary.

Thursday night was “writers meeting and see NewsRevue night” most weeks.

But on this particular week things must have been different, as John Random has recently (July 2017) sent me a note from his own diary, as follows:

IT WAS TWENTY YEARS AGO TODAY – SORT OF

John is such a nice chap, his note doesn’t actually ask me to upload the lyric so he can read it.

But I’m a nice chap too and I realise that a revisit to the lyric will please John, me and perhaps other Ogblog readers too, so “up it goes”…as Bill Clinton no doubt frequently used to put it.

Letter to Aiden Tierney, NewsRevue, 22 July 1997

Aiden Tierney 22 July 1997
New Revue

 

Dear Aiden

EDINBURGH

A few rewrites for Edinburgh. Apart from Paisley and Adams, I believe that none of these have been to Edinburgh before.

 

I hope to see you and speak to you soon.

Yours sincerely

 

 

Ian Harris

Encs.

 

NewsRevue Tonight, Multiple Lyric Revisions 1996 & 1997

My main post on this long-running lyric can be found if you click here.

There were several revisions, the last three of which follow.

This one is from 9 January 1996 and is actually numbered “4”:

NEWS REVUE TONIGHT – REVISION NUMBER GOODNESS KNOWS WHAT
(To the Tune of “Comedy Tonight”)

VERSE 1

THATCHER: Someone familiar,
PAISLEY: Someone peculiar,
ALL: Weirdoes from everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Major’s deflecting,
GIRLS: Emma’s defecting,
ALL: No party whipping here at News Review tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

GIRLS: Nothing that brings share options down,
BLOKES: Bring on Ken Clarke in place of the clowns
GIRLS: Old exploitations,
BLOKES: New corporations,
ALL: Something to make the boss contrite;

CLIMAX 1

ALL: Barbican tomorrow,
News Revue tonight.

VERSE 2

GIRLS: Alan Clark’s diaries,
BLOKES: The Scott enquiry,
ALL: Sleaze factor everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Serbs’ revolution,
GIRLS: Scots’ devolution,
ALL: Side splitting everywhere at News Revue tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

GIRLS: Nothing with French nuclear tests,
BLOKES: Show us exploding silicon breasts;
GIRLS: News that reflects life,
BLOKES: Diana’s sex life,
ALL: Satire that puts the world to right;

CLIMAX 2

ALL: Maida Vale tomorrow,
News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue..Tonight!!

Next up, revision 5 dated 16 November 1996 – I get the impression I did this in response to a request:

NEWS REVUE TONIGHT – XMAS 1996 REMIX (YOU ASKED FOR IT)
(To the Tune of “Comedy Tonight”)

VERSE 1

MAJOR: Someone familiar,
PAISLEY: Someone peculiar,
ALL: Weirdoes from everywhere at News Revue tonight;
LABOUR: New Labour morals,
TORY: Old Tory quarrels,
ALL: No party whipping here at News Review tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

GIRLS: Nothing that brings share options down,
BLOKES: Bring on Ken Clarke in place of the clowns
GIRLS: Old exploitations,
BLOKES: New corporations,
ALL: Something to make the boss contrite;

CLIMAX 1

ALL: Barbican tomorrow,
News Revue tonight.

VERSE 2

GIRLS: More cash for questions,
BLOKES: And lewd suggestions,
ALL: Sleaze factor everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Benazir Bhutto,
GIRLS: Tutsis and Hutus,
ALL: Side splitting everywhere at News Revue tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

GIRLS: Something to treat your Christmas guests,
BLOKES: Madonna and child with big pointy breasts;
GIRLS: News that reflects life,
BLOKES: Bill Clinton’s sex life,
ALL: Satire that puts the world to right;

CLIMAX 2

ALL: Broadway tomorrow,
News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue..Tonight!!

Finally, the sixth and final revision, a version for Edinburgh 1997:

NEWS REVUE TONIGHT – EDINBURGH 1997 VERSION
(To the Tune of “Comedy Tonight”)

VERSE 1

BLAIR: Someone familiar,
PAISLEY: Someone peculiar,
ALL: Weirdoes from everywhere at News Revue tonight;
LABOUR: New Labour morals,
TORY: Old Tory quarrels,
ALL: No party whipping here at News Review tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

GIRLS: Nothing that brings share options down,
BLOKES: Take off Ken Clarke bring in Gordon Brown.
GIRLS: Old exploitations,
BLOKES: New corporations,
ALL: Something to make the boss contrite;

CLIMAX 1

ALL: Edinburgh tomorrow,
News Revue tonight.

VERSE 2

GIRLS: War in Tirana,
BLOKES: Canaan Banana,
ALL: Globe trotting everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Congo’s solution,
GIRLS: Scot’s devolution,
ALL: Side splitting everywhere at News Revue tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

GIRLS: MP’s we chase, much like fox hunts,
BLOKES: Jack Straw and Gordon Brown are……;
GIRLS: …….at lunch;
GIRLS: News that reflects life,
BLOKES: Camilla’s sex life,
ALL: Satire that puts the world to right;

CLIMAX 2

ALL: Royal Mile tomorrow,
News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue..Tonight!!

Submission To Aiden Tierney Re NewsRevue, 29 June 1997

Aiden Tierney
News Revue
(London WC1 Address Redacted)

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
EDINBURGH 1997 RUN

Dear Aiden

Welcome back to News Revue!! It was good to get your message the other day. As you requested, here is a starter pack which consists of my latest songs plus some older ones which have longevity or are still topical.

Feel free to give me a call on (0171) 243-0725 if you want anything else or want a rewrite or two. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Ian Harris

Song Title
Original Title/
Artist on Tape Approx.. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
labour medley world war two songs by ghastly soldiers 7+
david hellfgott in concert all by myself / eric carmen 4-6
jack straw my name is jack / manfred mann N
gordon brown golden brown / stranglers 4-6
when you fall out when you’re in love / dr hook 4-6
me and paula jones me and mrs jones N
maggie might maggie may N
ffion rave on / buddy holly 1-3
julio down by the seaside julio down by the school yard / paul simon N
side 2
the shit of araby the sheik of araby / spike jones 7+
plagiarise walk on by / dionne warwick 4-6
my cherie earns more my cherie amour / stevie wonder 4-6
taliban carrie anne / hollies N

You, Me & Julio Down By The Seaside, NewsRevue Lyric, 24 June 1997

This was an attempt at a perennial silly summer holiday song for NewsRevue. I’m not sure it works, despite a few good lines. I’m pretty sure it didn’t get used in NewsRevue.

YOU ME AND JULIO DOWN BY THE SEASIDE
(To the Tune of “You Me And Julio Down By The School Yard”)

 

VERSE 1 – BOTH

We’re Sharon and Tracy, plan to get away,
Want to fly to the Costa Brava;
Gary got sloshed, so we borrowed his dosh,
Which started the whole ffff palaver.
It’s not against the law,
It’s not against the law,
A bit of fun and more,
That’s what we came ‘ere for.

VERSE 2

SHAZZA: Julio waits in the “Cafe Ole”,
So we ordered his huge paella,
TRACE: Shazza got laid, while muggings here paid,
And got a bleedin’ dose of salmonella
We’re well on our way,
We don’t know where we’re staying,
We’re well on our way,
We’ll ‘ave some fun while we sort it out;
Goodbye to Gary and Wayne back in Essex,
It’s you, me and Julio down by the seaside;
Screw you, me and Julio down by the seaside.

VERSE 3

In a couple of days, coppers took us away,
And the Spanish cells are not well nice;
The judge looked delighted when he had us extradited,
We was all over El Pais;
(TRACE: You was all over the bleedin police ‘n’ all
SHAZZA: Shut up you fat slag. You can bleedin’ talk)
We’re well on our way,
We’re flying back to England,
We’re well on our way,
Hopin’ Gary and Wayne don’t mind;
Goodbye to Julio and his Tapas on the ‘ouse
(SHAZZA: Tap us on the arse – ha ha
TRACE: Shut up you fat slag),
You, me, Wayne and Gary down home in Southend,
You, me, Wayne and Gary sloshed down in Southend,
Shaz, Trace, Wayne and Gary sloshed down in Southend – Ole.

Below is the official Paul Simon video of Me And Julio Down By the Schoolyard which I’d never seen before and is well worth the three minutes investment required.

Click here for the lyrics to Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard.

Ffion, Newsrevue Lyric, 23 June 1997

The suggestion, back in 1997 when William Hague, the then Tory leader, married Ffion Jenkins, was that this was a marriage of convenience.

Writing more than 20 years later, in May 2019, it appears either that the chatterati were mistaken or that it remains convenient.

Anyway, my lyric below was in the show for some while, until someone else came along (was it Debbie Barham? John Random? Noel Christopher?  Other?) and wrote a wonderful version of Wimoweh – “Ffion Sleeps Tonight”, inferring even less subtly than my lyric below that there was little intimacy between William and Ffion.

FFION
(To the Tune of “Rave On”)

 

CHORUS 1 – OTHER FEMALE

We-e-e-e-e-ll the little bitch dates William Hague,
I’d sooner have bubonic plague,
F-Ffion,
A crazy moniker,
I’d need,
A gin and tonic or
Prozac,
To get laid,
F-F-Ffion with him.

CHORUS 2 – FFION

The way he dances on the floor,
You’d think he’s pushing eighty four;
F-F-F-Ffion,
I’m William’s totty,
And folk say,
I must be potty,
He’s like,
A three pound note,
Straight as a claw.

MIDDLE EIGHT

F-F-F-F-FFion,
A crazy party,
Votes in,
Her bloke, a smarty,
Pants who,
Takes a tarty,
To look cool.

OUTRO

F-F-F-F-F-FFion
He’s like a willow,
Hague would
Prefer Portillo
Than spend,
A night with you,
F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FFion, you knew,
F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FFion, true blue.

Below is a video of Rave On by Buddy Holly with lyrics on the screen.