Tag: NewsRevue

I don’t remember all the details of this news item but I think the lyric provides plenty of clues. Here is a link to the news item at the time.

I think this one did well in the show, but only briefly. The publicity-seeking, octuplet-carrying mother sadly lost all the babies, which rather put a dampener on the story as a source of comedy.

EIGHT BABIES
(To the Tune of “Two Ladies”)

A song for pregnant woman (PW), other woman (OW) and rogue father (RF). Brummy accents would be nice but aren’t compulsory

VERSE 1 – PREGNANT WOMAN AND (ROGUE FATHER)

Biddly-diddly-de, biddly-diddley-de, biddly biddly biddly biddly de;
Diddly-di-de-de (eight babies),
Diddly-di-de-de (eight babies),
Diddly-di-de-de (and I’m the only man here);
Diddly-di-de-de (she crackers),
Diddly-di-de-de (I’m knackered),
Diddly-di-de-de (there’s eight for one).

VERSE 2 – ROGUE FATHER AND (PREGNANT WOMAN)

Diddly-di-de-de (eight papers),
Diddly-di-de-de (eight papers),
Diddly-di-de-de (but only one exclusive);
Diddly-di-de-de (Max Clifford),
Diddly-di-de-de (fat cheques for),
Diddly-di-de-de (News of the World).

MIDDLE EIGHT – ALL

PW: I’m Mandy Allwood,
OW: I’m the one he’ll wed,
RF: I’m taking hormones to serve them both in bed;
ALL: We’ve one thing in common with publicity;
PW: The fee, OW: The fee, RF: The fee.

VERSE 3 – ALL

Diddly-di-de-de (OW: two ladies),
Diddly-di-de-de (PW: two ladies),
Diddly-di-de-de (RF: and I get all the bad press);
Diddly-di-de-de (OW: two timer),
Diddly-di-de-de (PW: eight timer),
Diddly-di-de-de (RF: they’re up the duff).

OUTRO

PW: Are you going to help me to change all those nappies then, Paul.
RF: I thought Max Clifford said he’d do that for me.
OW: He never, he just said he could take all the shit off your hands.
BLACKOUT

Here is Two Ladies from the movie Cabaret:

Here is a link to the Two Ladies lyrics.

I remember that John Random wrote a great NewsRevue sketch/lyric for the Orange order marching season one year – hopefully we can find it in his archive somewhere when we excavate same. Mine, below, is not as good…but it is still quite good.

WHEN I SEE AN ORANGEMAN SMILE
(To the Tune of “When I See An Elephant Fly”)

 

INTRO

LEAD: Did you ever see an Orangeman smile?
CHORUS 1: Well I’ve seen a sweet smile!
CHORUS 2: I’ve seen a rye smile!
CHORUS 3: I’ve seen a Bosnian Muslim with no arms, legs or tallywacker smile.

VERSE 1

LEAD: Yeh, I’ve seen all that too.
I’ve seen a Papist grin,
And seen a Catholic sin,
I’ve seen Republicans use their guile;
But I’d be done seein’ about everything, when I see an Orangeman Smile.
CHORUS 3: (Dr Paisley style) What did you say, boy?
LEAD: I said when I see an Ulsterman smile,
I’ve seen a Tudor beam,
And seen a Stuart gleam,
I’ve seen a Feinian run a mile;
But I’d be done seein’ about everything, when I see an Orangeman Smile.

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS: Da be do da da do da wa (etc. – do the do-do’s yourselves)
CHORUS 1: I saw a marcher, some say he grins,
LEAD: No I’m sure that he just snarls with a bit of a wince;
CHORUS 2: I didn’t see that I only heard,
CHORUS 3: (Dr Paisley style) He shouts abuse in accents so completely absurd.

VERSE 2

CHORUS 1: I’ve seen an Irish laugh,
CHORUS 3: I’ve seen a Paisley scarf,
CHORUS 2: I’ve seen some funerals done in style;
LEAD: But I’d be done seein’ ’bout everything when I see an Orangeman smile

OUTRO

CHORUS: Ba-da-do-do, da-da-wop sh-bop (etc.)
CHORUS: But I’d be done seein’ ’bout everything when I see a Unionist,
LEAD: Even when he’s truly pissed,
ALL: When I see an Orangeman smile!

Below is the wonderful scene and When I See An Elephant Fly song from Dumbo:

Click here to read the lyrics of When I See An Elephant Fly.

I’m not sure that this lyric was ever actually sued…

…I mean used…

…in Newsrevue, which is a shame because I think it is rather a good one. It has a perennial quality to it.

SOLICITORS ARE DOIN’ IT FOR THEIR FEES
(To the Tune of “Sisters Are Doin’ It For Themselves”)

 

VERSE 1

Now there was a time under legal aid;
That behind every – big case, there had to be a – big budget.
But now these times have changed and Legal Aid’s for the few;
So we’re comin’ out of the law courts, cos there’s somethin’ that we’ve got to say to you.

CHORUS 1

The solicitors’ are doin’ it for their fees;
Running up expense accounts
And bringing you to your knees.
[with suitable wanking gestures] Solicitor’s are doin’ it to themselves.

VERSE 2

Now this is a song, meant to denigrate,
The foul disintegration of the welfare state;
Tory party values we all advocate,
But when legal aid is threatened we all remonstrate.
Surely we’ve justified hysteria,
Some of us cannot afford a second car;
We can’t believe it’s gone this far,
There’s loads of lawyers propping up the commons bar.

CHORUS 2

Solicitors are doin’ it for their fees (oh yes we are)
We’re standin’ on our own two feet
As long as we’ve got subsidies
[with suitable wanking gestures] Solicitor’s are doin’ it to themselves.

MIDDLE EIGHT

We aren’t making fortunes, we’ve been put on trial,
A lawyer loved a green form, cos he knew he’d earn a pile – oh yeah.

CHORUS 2

The solicitors are doin’ it in their pants,
We’ll have to justify our fees;
And back them up with evidence,
The solicitor’s have done it all to themselves!!!

Here is the amazing offcial video of Annie and Aretha singing The Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves – if you click through you can read the lyrics too:

 

Not my best ever lyric, this one. I don’t think it was used, but perhaps it was.

I guess I was irritated about Coca Cola’s prominence in the Olympics marketing that summer. But the games were being held in Atlanta Georgia, so what did I realistically expect?

Anyway, here are my lyrics:

THE OLYMPICS ARE SHIT
(To the Tune of “The First Time”)
VERSE 1

First line, first drug,
What a feeling is this?
Electricity surge
Extra power, what bliss.
Like a break in the clouds in the Atlanta sun
With the sound of the crowds now the contest’s begun.
These are amateur games with professional kit,
And a whole load of substance abuse, the Olympics are shit,
The Olympics are shit.

MIDDLE EIGHT

When they were new,
The Olympics were fair and true,
Now there just are no words to describe the deception
Oh no no no

VERSE 2

Big dosh, such hype,
What a sponsorship deal;
The most mercenary yet,
Can this nightmare be real?
Let me sponsor your towel, print my name on your shorts,
The gold medal is yours, we don’t care for the sports;
They should give an award for the product which bored,
Us the most with this commercial shit, Coca Cola is it!
Coca Cola is it.

Here is the advert/song which is a suitable repository for the above lyric – other brands’ irritating soft drink commercials are available.

Here is a link to that advert’s cheesy lyric.

There must have been a few strikes on that summer. It’s a neat idea but probably reads better than it would have performed. I don’t think it was performed.

STRIKE ME A LETTER
(To the Tune of “The Letter”)

VERSE 1

SINGER: Give me a ticket for an aeroplane.
STRIKE 1: (speaks) Sorry dear, the pilots and air traffic controllers are on strike.
SINGER: Ain’t got time to take a fast train.
STRIKE 2: (voiceover) London Transport apologises for the inconvenience, but due to industrial action there are no fast train Metropolitan Line services today.
SINGER: Lonely days are gone, I’m a goin’ home,
Cos my baby just-a wrote me a letter.
STRIKE 3: (speaks) Unlikely, dear – post boxes are boarded up for the umpteenth time as postal workers are staging another 24 hour stoppage…..
SINGER: (speaks – frustrated)…. she had it couriered to me – OK?

VERSE 2

SINGER: I don’t care how much money I’ve got to spend.
STRIKE 1: (speaks) Cashpoint machine’s broken down again.
SINGER: Got to get back to my baby again.
STRIKE 3: (speaks) You’ll have to drive, clever clogs. No planes and trains, remember?
SINGER: Strikes that never end, drive me round the bend,
And now my baby just e-mailed me a letter.

MIDDLE EIGHT

SINGER: Then she faxed me a letter and demanded her rights to see me without doubt,
Listen, mister, in the States, Bill Clinton says it’s just three strikes and you are out,
I’ll go there, hey….

VERSE 3

SINGER: Give me a ticket for an Aeroplane,
STRIKE 1: (speaks) Choose your transatlantic carrier, sir – British Airways, British Airways or British Airways.
SINGER: (speaks) um….British Airways please.
STRIKE 1: (speaks) I think they’re about to go on strike again.
SINGER: These disputes are such a vast pain
Tories cause a storm, strikes become the norm,
I think I’ll write John Major a letter.
STRIKE 3: (speaks) Not much point just now, the postal workers are still on strike.
SINGER: (speaks) Just answer me this one question – how do striking postal workers hold a postal ballot to agree the end of a strike?

BLACKOUT

Click here to listen to the Letter by The Boxtops and also read the lyrics in the comment. Or simply view/hear by clicking below.

Usual apologies for the poor look of the “table” of submissions, which converts so poorly from Amipro software, but you’ll get the idea.

Jason Kane seems to have called me prior to my submission; a rare proactive move by a new director before the start of a run. Well done him.

Jason Kane
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JULY-AUGUST 1996 RUN

Dear Jason

It was good to hear from you this weekend. I was feeling guilty about my lack of submissions and actually had a jotter full of new ideas.

This starter pack consists of mainly the new songs, plus a couple of rewrites and one or two currently in the show which I think still have legs.

Please do call me again if you are still short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

 

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Approx.. No. of weeks performed/ 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

hillary / eleanor / turtles – new

john major just cares for me / my baby just cares for me / nina simone – new

tony blair / gloria / vivaldi = new

solicitors are doin’ it to themselves / sisters are doin’ it for themselves / eurythmics – new

saturday night’s all right for tantrums / saturday night’s all right for fighting / elton – new

mr ghali / mr blobby / mr blobby – new

netanyahu / hallelujah chorus / handel – new

paisley & adams / father & son / cat stevens – 1-3

ode to eurosceptics / symphony  9 mov 4 excerpt / beethoven – 1-3

Presumably there had been a news item about Elton John having a hissy-fit about something. 

SATURDAY NIGHT’S ALL RIGHT FOR TANTRUMS
(To the Tune of “Saturday Night’s All Right For Fighting”)

 

VERSE 1

It’s Saturday, late,
And so I’m in a state;
I’m Elton John don’t call me queer;
It’s seven o’clock, got my glasses stocked,
In my walk-in wardrobe full of gear.

My cash pile’s a biggy,
So don’t go and call me wiggy,
Or Elton here might cause a scene;
There’s nothing bizarrer than a poof in a tiara,
With a partner who’s a screaming queen.

Ohhhhhhhhhhh….

CHORUS 1

Don’t give me so much TV exposure,
I’m still standing ‘tho I’ve sinned;
Saturday night’s all right for tantrums,
Like a candle in the wind.

Your song’s got me sounding like a rocket man,
A song for any guy I like;
Saturday night’s all right for tantrums,
Saturday night’s all right.
All right, all right, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

OUTRO

CHORUS Elton John, Elton John, Elton John
Elton John, Elton John, Elton John
Elton John, Elton John, Elton John’s
Full of shite.

Below is a video with Elton John singing Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting with lyrics on the screen:

Written primarily for NewsRevue, I think this one was performed during the summer of 1996. I don’t think it made it to Edinburgh though; maybe it did.

These days (writing in December 2015) the notion that New Labour is almost indistinguishable from the Conservatives is considered to be hard-left Corbynism, but in those days, before Labour took power in 1997, it was pretty much the way most people felt.

Click here for a YouTube link to the Nina Simone recording of the original song, with those original lyrics helpfully shown in the notes, or below just to hear Nina.

♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬

♬ JOHN MAJOR JUST CARES LIKE ME
(To the Tune of “My Baby Just Cares For Me”) ♬

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR – SOLUS

John Major don’t care for fools,
John Major don’t care for schools,
John Major just cares for beef;
John Major don’t care for bastards’ tactics,
John Major don’t care for Eurosceptics.
George Gardener is not my style,
And even Peter Lilley’s guile,
Is something I don’t need;
John Major don’t care who knows,
John Major just cares for me.

MIDDLE EIGHT – INSTRUMENTAL – LET THE PIANIST SEIZE THE DAY

(John dances a little – then enter Tony Blair)
JOHN: Hello Tony. Have you come to join me?
TONY: I’ve been with you all the while, John.
(They dance together – at points synchronised – at some points chronically unsynchronised)
TONY: I say I say I say. What’s the difference between new labour and old conservatism?
JOHN: I don’t know. What is the difference between new labour and old conservatism?
TONY: I don’t know. I thought you knew. What’s this “New Labour, new danger” bit then?
JOHN: New danger that the British public gets another 17 years of the same old rubbish, I suppose. I don’t write ’em. I just tell ’em.
(They dance some more.)

VERSE 2 – BOTH

TONY: New Labour don’t care for wealth,
New Labour don’t care for health,
JOHN: It cares like me!!
TONY: New Labour don’t care for left wing vision,
TONY: New Labour don’t care for Socialism.
JOHN: Eric Heffer is not his style,
TONY: And even Norman Tebbit’s smile,
Is something I can see;
JOHN: (Its something he can see)
I wonder what’s wrong with Bambi?
TONY: John Major just cares for,
JOHN: The stuff Tony Blair’s for?,
BOTH: {New Labour just cares like me.}
{John Major just cares like me.}
Yeah!!