Had I known what a terrible, genocidal civil war was opening up at the start of April 1994, I would not have written this lyric. The sentiments in it are fine; such a war is a bad idea; but not in the form of a musical parody.
_ RWANDA _
(To the Tune of “Oliver”)
[OPTIONAL INTRO VOICEOVER:And now we go over to the United Nations Security Council, where the Rwandan Foreign Minister is explaining his country’s crisis to the Secretary General, Mr Boutros Boutros….Boutros. RWANDAN:Please sir, we’ve gone to war. BOUTROS:What? RWANDAN:Please sir, we’ve gone to war. BOUTROS:War!! But wait! Before I take this land to task, may I be so curious as to ask its name? ALL:Rwanda….]
OPENING BIT
Rwanda, Rwanda, the nations so poor but it still goes to war; Rwanda, Rwanda, they’d not go to war if they knew what’s in store.
MIDDLE BIT 1
Now an air crash, back lash, has left Bantu nations both leaderless; To lose one’s misfortune, but to lose two leaders seems more like carelessness.
CLOSING BIT 1
Rwanda, Rwanda, Burundi’s had more of the poor and the war; They must rue the day, they separated from Rwanda.
MIDDLE BIT 2
They are Bantu Hutus, with Twa pygmy tiny minorities; Now there’s tribal war, they’ll tread on their Tutsi’s who were the authorities.
CLOSING BIT 2 Rwanda, Rwanda, colonial rule made these tribes lose their cool; They must rue the day, the Belgians came and took Rwanda.
Below is the song Oliver, Oliver from the musical Oliver! – the relevant bit starts about 90 seconds into this video:
What a cast! Daniel Craig, Susan Engel, Clare Holman, Stephen Dillane, Harry Towd…directed by Declan Donnellan too.
I insisted that Janie go alone to see Perestroika and she told me at the time that it was not as good as Millenium Approaches. But was she saying that just to be kind or was she saying that because she got less enjoyment without me or was she saying that because actually the first part is the better part?
I gave it the lyrics treatment and I think this one went down well in NewsRevue.
_ ROYALTIES IN THE UK _
(To the Tune of "Anarchy In The UK")
(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. novel-iste, be-ography etc)
INTRO
Write now……(that’s w.r.i.t.e. ha ha ha ha)
VERSE 1
I was an anarchist, Now I’m a novelist; I still can’t pronounce and I still seldom rhyme, I wanna compose a book of prose; Cos I wanna Bi-ography.
VERSE 2
Not all the Pistols could survive, Vicious is an adjective; It also is a proper noun, I think I’d better write that down. Cos I wanna be literary.
VERSE 3
A history of the punk age, Use a safety pin to mark the page; You wouldn’t have bet, That I am literate, But this author’s scheme, Is for an income stream.
OUTRO
Cos I wanna see royalties, (And I don’t mean the monarchy); I want literary royalties, (From the public library), Cos I wanna be wealthy!!
Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:
Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:
The British National Party (BNP) was the most prominent far-right political party in the UK at that time. I wanted to have a rant about them and who could blame me?
I don;t think this lyric has enough going on though, so unsurprisingly I’m pretty sure it wasn’t used.
_ BNP _
(For Skins and Niceguys To the Tune of "ABC")
INTRO
Do-do-do, do-do-do; do-do-do, do-do-do;
VERSE
SKINS:We’re born and bred in Millwall, Which is also known as Isle of Dogs; SKIN 1:I-I-I’m proud to be a Brit cos I’m as thick as shit, SKIN 2:We hate Jews and gays and wogs. NICEGUYS:Now now now fascism is rising {SKINS: rising, rising} NICEGUYS:From London to Ukraine {SKINS: where the hell’s Ukraine?} NICEGUYS:To preach foul prejudice, All you have to do is join a group like this.
CHORUSES
SKINS:The BNP, ain’t Liberal Democracy, My factional tendency, is Nazi, BNP is the group for me. NICEGUYS:BNP, bigoted policy, God help the Bangladeshis, who must be, All at sea with the BNP now. NICEGUYS:Fascist louts are dumb, Senior Berlusconi won the eye tie vote with tit and bum. SKINSBNP, like fascists in Italy, {NICEGUYS:BNP is evil it is full of racist people SKINS:Just purchase Milan AC, and TV, {NICEGUYS:Tit and bum And Saatchi for your victory. NICEGUYS:Cos that’s how racist hate achieves, In West Ferry and Italy, So don’t cede, To Nazis!!!.
Below is a video with The Jackson 5 singing ABC and the lyrics on the screen:
25 years ago (as I write in April 2019), we had a Tory government hopelessly split over Europe, a Prime Minister in John Major who seemed to be hanging onto his job by a thread and cruel economic winds blowing through the UK economy.
But returning to April 1994, here’s the little lyric I wrote about the pathetic government of the time…which seems just a little less pathetic now, comparatively speaking:
_ I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT _
(To the Tune of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again")
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you reach the top? A cabinet full of folk who hate yer, Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer; I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
What do you get when you meet Delors? A larger block vote with no concessions, Subsidise Frog and Kraut recessions; I’ll never fall in line again, with Michael Hestletine again.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
CHORUS:Don’t tell us what it’s all about, Cos Major’s in and we’ll chuck him out; MAJOR:What would Ken Clarke or Hestletine do, To get us out of deep deep swine do?
VERSE 3 – CHORUS OF TORIES
What do we read in opinion polls? A Nation that says it hates John Major, Careerist MPs will all upstage yer, John cannot run a cabinet, John cannot run a cabinet.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES
MAJOR:Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out, Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt; CHORUS:We’d prefer Hurd or Gini Bottomley, MAJOR:You bastards need a frontal lobotomy.
VERSE 3 – ALL THE TORIES
What do you get when your leader falls? Another arsehole with no direction; But still we should win the next election, You’re bound to vote us in again, (God knows why but) you’re bound to vote us in again.
As it happens, the public didn’t vote them in again, but it did take three more years before they got the boot. Just before they got the boot in May 1997, I wrote this update of the above lyric, which got the piece a revival in NewsRevue.
I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT – 1997 REMIX (To the Tune of “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
VERSE 1 What do you get when you reach the top? A cabinet full of folk who hate yer, Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer; I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
MIDDLE EIGHT Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out, Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt; Some folks say we’re unelectable, Even though we’re Eurosceptical..
VERSE 2 What do we read in opinion polls? A Nation that says it hates John Major, Careerist MPs will all upstage yer, I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.
Below is a video of Dionne Warwick singing I’ll Never Fall In Love Again with the lyrics on the screen:
What I knew about contemporary television could have been written on the back of a postage stamp in 1994 – I hadn’t had a TV for years.
But I did know who Julie Goodyear was, because my parents watched Coronation Street regularly.
_ JULIE GOODYEAR QUICKIE _
(To the Tune of "I want to sing in opera")
(Manchester accent is virtually compulsory for this quickie)
VERSE
I want a show like Oprah’s, I’ve got her kind of chat; I don’t much look like Oprah, For one,I’m not so fat.
CHORUS I’m Julie Goodyear, But Oprah has nought she should fear, Although I’ve now got, My soap Oprah, It has not proved so popular, So far. (Ta very much and goodnight).
