Author: Ian Louis Harris

A Short Visit To Tony, Phillie & Charlie In Germany, 17 to 20 February 1995

Tony, Phillie & Charlie Graham (Janie’s twin & family) were living in (or rather just outside) Bad Homburg, in Hesse for a few years. We only visited them there once. This was that visit.

Charlotte was still a primary school kid so of course she was in a show and we went along to see it. The music was Carnival Of The Animals by Saint-Saëns. The children dressed as animals and danced.

Charlie was the elephant, Phillie in pink
Balletic
Take a bow, children

The Graham Family had taken a town house on the outskirts of the town; modern build but the shape of a Georgian or Victorian town house in England – i.e. several floors with more or less a room per floor.

Janie and I occupied the basement spare room which could have been a granny flat.

Phillie’s OCDs were in full swing by then, so if we used the bathroom we’d here the patter of feet down the stairs soon after and Phillie would be in there cleaning. She’s have been fine in the time of Covid, he realises writing this up in early 2021.

We had a day out as best we could at that poor weather time of year – Tony fancied Heidelberg so we bundled into his Merc and off we all went. It was a good choice and the weather was not too bad. The vista in the headline picture is from there.

A market stall in Heidelberg
Don’t call me a square…oh I see, a picture of me IN a square
Heidelberg grandeur

On Sunday morning I recall military-style operations in order to deposit garbage at the municipal dump. Apparently such matters are verboten auf sonntag, but such rules are not for Phillie so off we all went for some civil disobedience. Tony’s penance was to clean his car’s hubcaps afterwards with various accessories including, at one point, a toothbrush.

You learn a lot about your nearest and dearest if you stay with them for two or three nights.

On the Monday, we bade them goodbye and spent a few hours in Frankfurt before our flight home. We visited the Goethe House, which I loved. We also had time to take a lunch of Schweineshaxe which is a bit of a rare treat favoutrite for both of us and put us in a thoroughly good mood for our flight after a very enjoyable long weekend with the kin.

Ideas For Ben Murphy, Fragment, Origins of the Tarrantino Lyric, 16 February 1995

A strange fragment document on my computer – I usually scribbled things on jotters in those days.

Guy kicked – frog in his throat
leg over down the palace
the nut’s named eric

son of preacher man
let’s stay together
you never can tell
pulp fiction – quentin tarrantino

I’ll guess that I typed a few phrases while chatting with Ben on the phone. Mostly meaningless to me now. But clearly this was the seed of my Tarrantino lyric, which Ben loved, used a lot and indeed recorded, albeit with a great deal of his own lyrical variations thrown in; not least because he performed in politer company than NewsRevue.

I’ll up my lyrics when I get to them. In the meantime, here is Ben’s wonderful version of Tarrantino while you wait.

Letter To Ben Murphy Plus Donald and Lydia, 16 February 1995

Hmmm, I wonder whether I kept that tape of Ben Murphy’s out-takes – they sound like fun. Another mini Ogblog project for the jotter.

I recommend that Ben records Donald and Lydia in this letter and Ben complies – see MP3 below the letter. What power of persuasion I must have had. Such a shame he ignored my other requests.

I still really like For What It’s Worth – one of my first baritone ukulele efforts and I still play it quite a lot.

 

Ben Murphy                                     16 February 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben

THE PROMISED STUFF

It was good to talk to you last night. I enclose the stuff I promised and shall think about the other stuff.

The songs from your out-takes I really liked were:
For What It’s Worth (number one request)
The Irish Rover
Dreaming just comes natural (or something – C&W number about about Lydia & Donald – I really like it)

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris

Encs.

 

Here is Ben Murphy’s clear and crisp recording of Donald and Lydia:

 

But if you’d prefer to hear (or want to hear as well) John Prine’s wonderful original version:

 

Have I The Right, Regrettably Unused NewsRevue Song, 12 February 1995

I can usually tell now why songs were unused, but some were most unjustly overlooked…like this one.

Perhaps a bit too much going on in one item? Still, pearls before swine, were some of these lyrics. Ian Paisley singing “come right back to 1690” should have been performed.

I co-wrote this one with John Cowen. Perhaps that explains why so much is going on in one lyric.

John Random might choose to explain why this one was unused, as it transpires it was submitted to him.

HAVE I THE RIGHT
(To the Tune of “Have I The Right?”)
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

Have I the right behind me?
Or will the rebels gag and bind me,
Will Tebitt ever ever stop;
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the right invectives,
Bastard and dimwit are ineffective,
So I might soon be for the chop.
(Sing along now, entourage, yes, both of you)

CHORUS 1 – JOHN MAJOR & HIS ENTOURAGE

Come right back, you Eurosceptics,
You’re loud and mad and you’re apoplectic,
Come right back, to 32 Smith Square (oh yeh);
Come right back, rejoin our party,
Or we’ll get Blair and his arty-fartys,
Slick right back like Mike Portillo’s hair (oh yeh).

VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR

Have I the right wing morons?
The Teddy Taylors and Theresa Gormans,
I wish that I was reassured,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the Ulster crazies?
The Molyneauxs and the Ian Paisley’s,
They’re angry with my peace accord;

CHORUS 2 – IAN PAISLEY

Come right back to 1690,
We won at Boyne and we’re part of Blighty,
Come right back to Ulster Union (oh yus);
Come right back, to times medieval,
Talks with the Irish are a damn-ed evil,
Come far right or you will soon be gone, (oh yus), (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
ALL: Soon be gone, oh yeh, (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
Soon be gone.

If you want to hear the Honeycombs and see their lyrics, click below.

The Dance Of Death by August Strindberg, Almeida Theatre, 11 February 1995

We went on a bit of a Strindberg fest that February – this the first of two Strinds in one month. the second was Easter at The Pit:

Easter by August Strindberg, The Pit, 25 February 1995

My log says that we thought The Dance Of Death “superb” and why not? John Neville, Gemma Jones, Cheryl Fergison and Anthony O’Donnell makes for a seriosuly good cast.

Here is the Theatricalia entry for this production.

A contemporaneous review or two:

…and some clippings. First up: Michael Billington:

Billington On dance Of DeathBillington On dance Of Death Thu, Jan 19, 1995 – 31 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Next up – Kate Kellaway:

Kate Kellaway On Dance Of DeathKate Kellaway On Dance Of Death Sun, Jan 22, 1995 – 146 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

A Couple Of Weekends With Colleagues Past & Present, 28 January & 4 February 1995

Wild Boar by Valentin Panzirsch, CC BY-SA 3.0

I said “wild boar”.

Actually that was the second of the weekends, when Michael Mainelli & Elisabeth (then still Reuss) came over to Janie’s place in Sandall Close for a feast of wild boar. Almost certainly not the handsme fellow depicted.

The week before, we went to Paul James’s place in Enfield for a party, possibly a housewarming as he was living in Wallington the previous time we went to his place.

Under Pressure, NewsRevue Quickie, 1 February 1995

Presumably there was severe flood risk in Holland that winter. I don’t recall whether or not this quickie was used; I think it ought to have been.

UNDER PRESSURE
(To the Tune of “Under Pressure”)
Two or three wimmin (a man can be a wimman for these purposes) link hands on stage. Ideally they have tulips about their persons and/or mock Dutch accents.

MAIN BIT

Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do;
Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do.
Pressure,
Pushing down on me,
Pressing down on you,
It’s pissing down.

Under pressure,
In the Netherlands,
Where the weather’s planned,
That we might drown.

OUTRO

Under pressure,
Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do;
Under pressure.

(During the above outro lines)
VOICE-OVER: That was a network of Dutch dikes – Under Pressure.

Here’s Queen and David Bowie singing Under Pressure with lyrics on the screen:

Letter To Ben Murphy Re Mr Barrymore, 29 January 1995

I assume Mr Barrymore is the comedian Michael Barrymore.

Strange that Ben Murphy asked me to do stuff about a TV personality, as I had no TV in the 1990s so presumably was writing to some sort of characteristic brief provided by Ben.

Also strange to uncover this stuff today, as the same comedian’s name came up earlier today, in conversation at Lord’s with “real tennis Tony”. Yet that name probably hadn’t entered my consciousness in decades.

Letter and some fairly inexplicable quickies follow. I don’t think Ben used any of this stuff; perhaps the odd scrap live.

Ben Murphy                                                 29 January 1995

(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben

AT LAST – SOME STUFF

I have not had much time for writing or thinking since we last spoke, but here is an update of some stuff and my thoughts so far for Mr Barrymore. I’ll try and come up with some more soon but don’t hold your breath.

You were going to send me some of your tapes for punting around to hopefuls in the States etc. – is that still a happening thing?

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris

Encs.

…and the relevant enc…

BARRYMORE IDEAS
GRAND ROLEX WATCH

My grand Rolex watch was too large for my wrist,
So it sat there for years in my drawer;
I daren’t put it on just in case I get pissed,
Or get mugged when I walk out the door.

T’was a gift from me dad,
Who was always such a lad,
But gawd knows how he paid for this clock.

(look at watch in anger)
Now it’s stopped, short, never to go again,
(smash watch)
It’s fake from Bangkok.

 

STATIONARY TRAIN

The stationary train sat on the track, didn’t move;
The stationary train sat on the track, didn’t move;
The passengers knocked the ale back,
While tannoy voice blamed it on Railtrack, leaves and crew, crew, crew, crew, crew.

The tannoy said (crackle crackle) “we apologise to passengers for blah blah blah), didn’t move,
The tannoy said (crackle crackle) “would passengers waiting blah blah blah), didn’t move,

 

THERE’S A KIND OF HUSH

There’s a kind of hush,
All over the world tonight……..
(Voice off): So shut up then!!!
IF I HAD A STAMMER

Guitarist gently strums the pleasant riff from this song.
He encourages the audience to sing along with him on the oohh oohhs each time.

QUICKIE 1 – STAMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a stammer,
I’d stammer in the morning,
I’d s s s s s s;

 

QUICKIE 2 – HAMMOCK

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a hammock,
I’d (snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

 

QUICKIE 3 – WHAMMER (not for children or people of a nervous disposition)

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a whammer,
I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the morning,
I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the evening,
All over this hand.

 

QUICKIE 4 – HUMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I were a hummer,
I’d hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.

 

QUICKIE 5 – GRAMMAR

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had no grammar,
I’d in the morning grammar,
I’d evening in the grammar…..(ends in confusion)

Letter To Michael Eriera, NewsRevue, 29 January 1995

Oh dear, what a vague letter. Fortunately for me, Michael Eriera really liked my stuff – indeed I worried sometimes that he overused my material – so I’m sure my vagueness didn’t spoil my chances that run.

Michael Eriera                      29 January 1995

(Finchley N12 address redacted)
Dear Michael

SONGS

I know I sent you some stuff and I know I promised you some more. I can’t remember what I sent or what I promised, so here is a big pack of lots of stuff. Do chase me for more if there’s anything else you liked that you can think of.

Hope all is well and I’ll speak to you soon no doubt.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris

encs

Virginia, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 July 1994 and 29 January 1995

I know what you are thinking.

Why did the author of the lyric You Can’t Hurry Trusts want to write another lyric on a similar topic two years later?

Well, my only excuse for the 1994 lyric below was that NewsRevue was always hungry for new material, even for news stories that ran and ran, even when the existing material was very strong.

My excuse for the January 1995 version was that Bart’s (St Bartholemew’s Hospital) proposed closure was news.

I think only the second version was used in the show, briefly.

Here’s the 1994 version:

VIRGINIA
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1

DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT: Do not close.

VERSE 1

A DOCTOR: Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS: ….doing sums…..)
PATIENT: I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.

CHORUS 2

DOCTORS: Virginia, we’re only two star,
You’re shaking our confidence daily;
PATIENT: Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.

DOCTORS: Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

CHORUS 3

DOCTORS: Jubilation, we’re three star again,
We do all our work in out patients;
PATIENT: Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.

(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)

Here’s the Bart’s closure remix from January 1995:

VIRGINIA – BARTS CLOSURE ETC REMIX
(To the Tune of “Cecilia”)
CHORUS 1

DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re breaking our hearts,
You’re closing more hospitals daily;
Oh Virginia, we’re down in your leagues,
We’re begging you please, do not close,
PATIENT: Do not close.

VERSE 1

A DOCTOR: Doing sums from dawn till night,
While Virginia’s in the Isle of Wight;
(DOCTORS: ….doing sums…..)
PATIENT: I got up cos I got bored,
But when I went back to bed she had closed down my ward.

CHORUS 2

DOCTORS: Virginia, you’re closing down Barts,
You’re causing more casualties daily;
PATIENT: Oh Virginia, I’m down on my knees,
My callipers seized and withdrawn, just withdrawn.

DOCTORS: Ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba.

CHORUS 3

DOCTORS: Consternation, made losses again,
We’ll save if we treat in out patients;
PATIENT: Ruination, I won’t walk again,
They do all their work without patients.

(Doctors merrily pick up the poor hopeless patient and carry him offstage while oh-oh-oh-ing the merry “jubilation” tune)

Here’s Simon & Garfunkle singing Cecilia, with lyrics on the screen: